Blackout
by THEsnapcrakklepop
Summary: Ever wonder what Edward went through while Bella was going through New Moon? Read on, folks! Dialogue has been changed/edited so as not to infringe copyrights and to add my own personal touch to Stephenie Meyer's story.
1. Preface

Blackout

PREFACE  
Whatever was going to happen, would happen. I wasn't about to stop things now. I'd made up my mind; yes, I knew what I was capable of, but I also knew what I wasn't. And- not for the first time- eternity just seemed like too much to bear. So, not for the first time, I wouldn't bear it. I smiled at the simplicity of this path, so much easier than the fork I'd forced myself to take not so many, many, long months ago. Who was I fooling? Even the mental use of the word "Fork" was enough to twist my already agonized countenance into a grimace of pain. But I'd done my time; I'd served my sentence. Those months were like years, and the years blurred together until they culminated at this one moment. This was all I had. I toyed with the idea of what would transpire immediately after, but I would not let myself dwell on it. Neither the future, nor the memories of her face, her skin, her hair… the hot throb of life beneath the delicate skin of her throat… Oddly, I could almost catch her scent on the mild breeze as if calling to me, mocking me. No. I would not dwell on this. Actions speak louder than words, they say. So I steeled myself with one last breath, the hint of her fragrance teasing my lungs, and moved to step into high noon.


	2. Celebration

**A/N: New Moon, its characters, and its occurrences all belong to the talented Stephenie Meyer**.

**UPDATE: I'm finally getting back on track w/ this fic, and that means I had to do a little housecleaning. Some chapters will be combined, others will simply have been gone over yet again for errors/mistakes, and ultimately I'll catch up & continue posting. It had just been so long since I wrote that when I sat down to post Ch. 20, it occurred to me that I didn't even remember most of what I'd written! SO- I've been going over each chapter and will pick up where I left off as soon as I can, promise promise! xoxoxo ~SCP**

**Chapter 1- Celebration**

I don't know what I thought of today. A small part of my heart was wrenched with grief at the thought that one day, one day my Bella would be gone. But as long as I was around to protect her from the danger she usually (albeit unintentionally) brought upon herself, we'd have decades together before that was even a thought. Of course, knowing that I would not be the one to silence her heart was an overwhelming comfort. Once and again I would see the flash of steel in her gaze as she would attempt to discuss her desire for immortality with me, but on this I wouldn't- couldn't- compromise. Her own life was not mine to take; the mere thought of it hurt to imagine. After the fiasco that was last spring, after knowing the sweet, hot rush of her blood filling my mouth, my vision, my very soul— Ah, but there was the catch. What soul? I had spent decades contemplating the idea in brief fancies of thought before reality crushed around me. With my unfailing memory, I could recall all too easily the faces of my prey as they saw my unstoppable form descend upon them, silencing the shrieks of terror their own victims would never voice. And why should she be so eager for this? I shook my head and glanced into my rear-view mirror to see her ancient vehicle slowly chug its way into the school yard. Alice gave a squeal of excitement, turned to grab a small silver box from the backseat, and was out of the car faster than humanly possible, literally.

I flashed her a warning glance. _Calm down_, I mouthed at her with a smile as I unfolded all six feet, two inches of my frame onto the damp asphalt. She stuck her tongue out at me with a decidedly childish grin on her pixie-like face, and danced over to Bella. My Bella. My Love. My heart, if it had any trace of the living, moving organ it had ever been, would have swollen to bursting with happiness at the mere sight of her face, despite the scowl that stamped there instead of the usual wide-eyed look of wonder she usually had around me. I chuckled to myself and leaned against the trunk as I watched Alice's irrepressible enthusiasm trap Bella like a net. All this fuss over Bella's birthday would only end in trouble for Alice, but she was like a hurricane of joy- all you could do was brace yourself and wait it out.

I could hear their conversation from where I stood- vampire senses being what they are- Alice's exclamations and Bella's protesting murmurs. I knew they'd reach me soon, and stood up straight from my stance against the car with a deep, cautious breath of cool, misty air combined with the intoxicating fragrance that was Bella Swan. I was still developing coping skills to the tongues of fire the flicked at my lungs each time I inhaled when she was nearby, but I was pleased to find out the black monster of thirst hadn't uttered so much as a sullen rumble over the past few months.

Almost of its own volition, my hand stretched out to reach for her. She clung to it immediately and a look of relief mixed with that ever-present wonder flashed briefly in her eyes. Gently, softly, I compressed my hand around hers and she squeezed back with enthusiasm. Her heart actually skipped a beat, and I smiled into her eyes. In my own sense of wonder I lifted my other hand, allowing my finger to trace the outline of her full, beautiful mouth. My eyes still on her lips, I asked- for clarification- "Now, like we've talked about, I am forbidden from telling you 'Happy Birthday," is that accurate?"

Still with that inexplicable sense of wonder on her face she replied in the affirmative with more my sort of diction than hers. It felt almost as if she were repeating words after a hypnotist. I gave a slight smile and nodded.

"Very well, just making sure," I teased. In half-exasperation, half-habit, I brought my hand from her mouth to my hair, no doubt tousling it into even more disarray. "Because there was always a chance you might have decided otherwise. If I recall, the majority of humans usually _like_ special occasions and presents."

Alice laughed, whether at my words or at Bella's expression I couldn't be sure. Her mind implied it was both as she coyly glanced at me. "Oh, she'll like it. Everybody is expected to treat you nicely today and obey your every whim. What tragedy could possibly happen?" she asked airily. Alice was being light; Bella's response was anything but.

"Aging." Bella's voice was barely above a whisper. I narrowed my eyes slightly and tried to keep my temper in check. We'd been through this and through this, and- as stubborn as she was- I knew in the end she would see it for what it really was: clinging to an idealistic idea of the glory of eternity. I snorted to myself but Alice's cheerful reply saved me from opening my mouth to start a pointless argument.

"You're only just eighteen, and that's not really old. Aren't most women twenty-nine before they start worrying about aging?"

"Eighteen is older than Edward," Bella replied morosely, and her eyes flicked up to meet mine.

"Well, if you're going to get technical about it, but it's only one teensy year's difference!" Alice chirped.

But Bella was sulking. I groaned inwardly at her foolish desire to have me end her life for her. I'd seen her relationship with her father- Did she really want to end that? I knew she wasn't particularly close to anyone at school, but Angela was no doubt one of her closer comrades- Was she truly willing to sacrifice those ties? Her life- for me? Surely I alone, no- not even my family- wasn't worth cutting her connection to the world she was a part of before I impaled her with my existence. I winced at the imbalance of the whole situation. Yet she continued to plead, usually more with a look than with directly, verbally insisting on this choice for her future, and I continued to remain steadfast against even entertaining the idea.

An impasse, truly.

Alice's voice broke through my moody reverie as she artfully attempted to change the subject.

"So… when will you be coming over?" The gleam in Alice's eye betrayed any attempt at secrecy for the party she had planned for Bella.

"I was unaware I was supposed to come over," Bella shot back.

"Oh, come on Bella!" Alice pled. "You can't seriously be telling me you're just going to spoil our fun tonight, can you?"

"Alice, I thought today would be about _my_ wishes," Bella sighed.

I needed to put a stop to this before it turned into either Alice wilting with disappointment or Bella crying with frustration. Loving them both as I did, I interrupted, "I'll pick her up from her house as soon as school is out."

Bella's voice was a mix of protest and desperate hope. "I'm working tonight!"

"No you're not," Alice triumphed. "I called Mrs. Newton earlier and she traded your shift- _with_ happy birthday wishes!"

Bella looked flustered. I was momentarily distracted by the red flush slowly creeping up her cheeks as she frantically tried to come up with some excuse about needing to see "Romeo and Juliet." I rolled my eyes at her and Alice took the words right out of my mouth. Or rather, my head… her psychic abilities were as irritating as they were useful, sometimes.

"You've already seen Romeo & Juliet enough to recite it!"

"I have _not_ seen the 1968 film! And Mr. Berty told us that version is the best one!"

Alice's patience was wearing thin. "Bella, I can make this easy, or I can make this difficult, but in the end—"

I could see this dissolving into exactly the fiasco I had intended to avoid. I broke into Alice's near threat with what I thought would be the best compromise. "Alice, calm down. If she wants to see this film, then she shall. It is her birthday, remember?"

"Yeah!" Bella chimed in.

I smiled at her juvenile antics and continued, "I'll just bring her over sometime after seven, which will also give you a chance to get things more prepared."

Alice seemed to be the only one pleased with my decision. "Alright! That sounds perfect. I'll see you later Bella. And it will be a blast, just wait!" She flashed a deflated Bella a perfect smile and gave her a quick kiss before bounding away towards the school building.

"Please Edward, just— " Bella started to protest but I silenced her with a finger against her warm, parted lips. The tingle that rushed from that brief contact momentarily distracted me, but I focused on what needed to be said.

"Bella, love, we'll talk about it later. Come on, if we don't get going we'll be late."

She bit her lip in resignation but I could tell what she was thinking, even with her mind so silent to my ability to determine the thoughts of anyone around me. The depth of her chocolate brown eyes revealed she wouldn't mind too much if we skipped class together, but I sighed and set my shoulders with determination as I held her hand on our way to class.

As the school day wore on, I pointedly ignored all stray thoughts of desire toward this most desirable creature, as well as the mental daggers of malice that were aimed at me when she wasn't looking. I had to give the Newton boy credit; his attitude towards Bella now seemed to be a sort of wistful resignation rather than the outright lust his thoughts had first been stained with. I gave him a friendly yet cautious smile. I was resolute on making this day as comfortable as possible for Bella. If I could, I would have given her anything that struck even the faintest edges of her fancy. I wanted to give her the world, to give her anything, because I knew she couldn't have the eternal life she so foolishly thought she wanted. She seemed intent on refusing any gifts from me, even any thoughts of gifts from me, and I couldn't understand why. Money was something we Cullens didn't give too much thought, and now that I finally had the one person in my life I wanted to use it for she seemed uninterested to the point of distaste. But if she was truly content with settling for my arms around her shoulders, my lips against her creamy skin, and my fingers intertwined with hers, then I'd give as much of myself as I could—within reason.

Physical love was a difficult matter for us… I was all too aware that with the merest twitch, I could likely crack one of her delicate bones. And given the vampiric tendency to deign completely into physical sensory reception once that "switch" was thrown, I knew to draw the line before things got too unbearable. My desire for her body was just ahead of my desire for her blood. And both were far, far behind the inescapable visions of her in a broken, mangled, bloody mess if I were to foolishly allow desire to overthrow reason and restraint.

I shuddered now as that mental image wisped through my mind while we worked our way to the cafeteria. I'd been careful to neither mention her birthday nor allow Alice to bring it up, either. We sat at our usual table, joined by Mike and the fickle Jessica Stanley, as well as Bella's genuine friend Angela and her boyfriend Ben. A few others- Eric, Tyler, Conner, and the insufferable Lauren Mallory were also at the table, but they—especially Lauren—weren't exactly what Bella or I considered "friends". Usually there was an almost tangible barrier between our group and the latter, but Bella had informed me that they were usually much more amiable on the rare sunny days when Alice and I avoided all public places. And with the absence of my "siblings" Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper, things were definitely friendlier than they had been compared to the previous years we'd suffered through the purgatory of what had once been yet another high school in a small, cloudy town. Bella had brought me out of the blackest midnight into a world I didn't even know could exist, despite the evidence of love all around me in Carlisle's devoted gaze at Esme, Emmett's worshipful awe of Rosalie, and Jasper's sacred, quiet care of Alice, my favorite "sister". I could tell that even being without him for just the course of a school day was agony for Alice, but she was at the moment occupied with plans for Bella's birthday this evening. My eyes lingered on her in a gaze that was half affection, half patient tolerance.

_I know you're thinking about me_, Alice eyed me meaningfully. _Don't get any ideas. I'm going through with this one hundred percent. And she'll love it, I know she will!_ Her thoughts ended in almost a plea for understanding.

I sighed so quietly no one else took notice, and glanced pointedly at Bella while shaking my head infinitesimally. I knew Alice's unstoppable joy would clash with Bella's eternal discomfort with any sort of attention. "She won't like it," I murmured below the depths of normal human decibel perception.

Alice merely "Hmph'd" in disdain and thought towards me, _You have no idea how much fun this is going to be for all of us. Think about it. When was the last time any of us really celebrated a birthday?_

I set my lips as I thought of the "party" we'd had in 1935 for Emmett, and I could tell Alice was aware of my perfect recollection.

_This will be so much better than that_! she mentally squealed. And then—a flash—something? _Blood_? Bella, on the ground! Alice shook her head as a dim essence of a vision filled her mind and then was gone before it could fully register. Nearby, someone dropped a lunch tray and the clang was met with a round of applause.

"What was that?" I asked in a strained tone.

Mistaking my question as a query for what had just occurred, Angela and Bella both answered, "Connor dropped his tray." Angela and Bella smiled at each other, and Ben cried "Jinx!" but Bella's eyes held a question. I patted her hand reassuringly, and she turned back to laughing with Angela as Alice thoughtfully trained her mental discourse towards me.

_I don't… know… Bella's going to trip? Or something… _she huffed in exasperation. It always annoyed Alice when her vision wasn't totally clear. _But I'll have plenty of band-aids on hand, just in case_. She laid a pacifying hand on my arm and I glanced back at Bella. She'd missed the whole exchange.

After the final bell rang, I walked Bella through the familiar rain to the decrepit rust bucket she called a truck. I had yearned to get her something more remotely close to being categorized as "dependable," but she incessantly refused. I held her passenger door open for her and blinked as she just stood there dripping with her arms crossed. The anxiety of her catching a cold, as she would if she continued to stand in this downpour, was driven away by her voice.

"Shouldn't I be allowed to drive if it is _my_ birthday?"

I let none of my concern or impatience show in my voice as I replied, "I'm following your desires by pretending that today is not your birthday."

"Well, if today isn't my birthday, then I shouldn't have to come over tonight," she countered.

"Very well." I was amused at her total desire to shift any sort of attention whatsoever away from her attention-deserving self. I just wanted her out of the rain, and I walked around to hold her driver's side door open, instead. "Happy birthday," I teased.

"Oh hush," she chastised me half-seriously.

As we made our way through the mist, my thoughts turned toward her party set for that evening. Regardless of how much she hated attention, I knew she'd be pleased by the presents my family had garnered for her. Thinking of her gifts reminded me of music, and I smiled to myself as I turned to her radio in what I knew would be a futile attempt to gain any sort of clear signal. When the best I could extract was a fuzzy country tune punctuated by random interruptions of even louder static, I shook my head in dismay.

"You know, the reception on your radio is terrible."

She frowned, a small line appearing between her perfect eyebrows. I could tell she was still brooding over the coming evening by the attitude in her voice. "If you want a good radio you should have driven your car!" she retorted.

Considering how rarely she was anything close to angry with me I couldn't help but be amused with her obvious anxieties about today. I pressed her hand to my lips gently and my nostrils flared briefly as I inhaled her sweet, intoxicating fragrance and held her, there, in my lungs. Regardless of what happened, tonight or otherwise, I knew I'd never forget this scent for the rest of my existence.

When we finally arrived at Chief Swan's house (Bella's ancient truck could barely wheeze along at anything beyond 50 miles an hour), I removed my hand from hers to bring my fingertips to her face, tracing over her delicate skin… So fragile… Thinking of how I knew I'd keep her scent with me forever suddenly me made me want to commit her very cells to my memory. It was odd, this fierce possession that devoured me so suddenly and without warning... It was all I could do to just barely let my fingers drift across the dull pulse in her temples, the fine structure of her cheekbones, the soft curve of her jaw… I couldn't bear to know she harbored even the slightest negativity on this day, especially when I knew how happy my family would be for a chance to celebrate with me for Bella. Well, I mentally amended, all except for Rosalie…

I said softly, "Oh Bella… today, of all days, I'd expect that you would be happy…" My eyes closed as I inhaled her essence, letting it wash over my face, breathing in Bella.

She in turn was inhaling and exhaling hesitant, quivering breaths as she replied shakily, "What… What if… I just don't want to be happy?" Her attempt at sounding like a petulant child was foiled by the desire that was laced in her voice, and I knew it. And she knew I knew it.

Calling her bluff, I stared deeply into those fathomless brown eyes and breathed, "Well, that's a shame…" before I lowered my lips gently to hers and allowed myself the delightful indulgence of her mouth against mine. Almost unconsciously, she swiftly locked her arms behind my head and pulled me into her passion. I smiled to myself at her predictability, but gently untangled her grip from my body even though every cell in mine was screaming to bring her closer, closer than close, until I could feel that wet warmth from the inside out… But ah, my imagination was running away with me almost as shamelessly as hers was. With a plea of "Please… behave..." said softly against the softer skin of her face, I gave her one more brief kiss before crossing her arms against her torso gently.

I could literally hear her heart pounding in her chest, and, unbidden, memories of her sweet blood flooding my mouth made my mouth fill with venom in anticipation. But all it took was one look at her face as she brought her hand up to her heart and felt for herself how wildly it was thrumming.

She asked softly, reflectively, "Do you suppose this will ever get easier for me?"

I smiled as I tried to imagine my Bella without her adorable, constant palpitations or tell-tale blush. But then other images of her- cold, hard, and completely inhuman- brushed at the edges of my thoughts. I shook my head and that thought of her away and my smile returned. "I sincerely hope not," I replied.

She scowled and said in a huff of resignation, "Let's just go watch the Montagues and the Capulets butcher each other, okay?"

Still teasingly, I conceded, "Your wish is my command, my lady." And graciously I held the front door open as she stomped inside and dropped her bags onto the floor. Her irritated expression didn't last long however, as she stopped in the process of removing her shoes. When I shut the door and strode over to plant a kiss on her temple, she melted into the smiling, charming Bella that had captured my heart.

I stretched myself out over the Swan's sofa as Bella knelt by the VCR to start the movie. Once she had fast-forwarded beyond the beginning titles, she sat in front of me and I pulled her into an embrace. The fragility and the warmth that exuded from her body only reminded me of how firm and freezing I must be to her, so I reluctantly called upon my sense of chivalry and covered her with the blanket that had been draped across the back of the couch. We settled in to watch the movie, but once the first line was delivered, it occurred to me just how irritating Romeo Montague was.

"I never did have much forbearance for Romeo," I mentioned offhandedly as the scenes played out before us on the screen. Bella seemed offended.

"Romeo? Why? What is wrong with one of the best-known fictional characters of all time?"

Braiding our fingers together I replied, "Well for starters, isn't he supposed to be in love with this Rosaline character? I think that seems a little fickle. Not to mention that moments after their wedding, he murders Juliet's cousin Tybalt, which isn't very smart. He makes error after error... Is he trying to thoroughly destroy his own happiness?"

Bella gave a sigh of mock frustration. "Would you like me to watch this alone?"

"No," I admitted a tad huskily. "I'll be paying more attention to you, mostly." I untangled our fingers and brushed my hand along her arm, feeling the hairs rise one by one. I wasn't sure that was entirely due to my cold skin, and that pleased me.

A thought suddenly occurred to me. "Will you cry?" I asked.

"More than likely," she conceded. "That is, if I actually get to focus on the movie." Her voice held a teasing smile.

"By all means," I murmured into her hair. "I'll let you focus, then."

And so the afternoon slid by in a tragically romantic blur. From time to time I found myself caught up in the story, when I wasn't busy being distracted by listening to Bella's breath or heartbeat. I noticed with satisfaction how the rate of both would increase as I would murmur the occasional Romeo line to her… it was actually fairly easy, considering everything he said was something I found applicable to my own truest love… When I contemplated the way her eyes sparkled with anticipation of the deliverance of those lines, I couldn't help myself-

"O! She doth teach the torches to burn bright. It seems she hangs upon the cheek of night. Like a rich jewel in an Ethiop's ear; beauty too rich for use, for earth too dear."

Yet it was when Juliet delivered her oft-quoted line "What's in a name?" that I set my lips in frustration. If only Bella could see- not what's in a name, but what's the difference of years? I was hers forever, even if her forever was shorter than mine. And that made me contemplate, truly, for the second time in my existence… what would life be like without Bella? Even as she progressed into sixty, seventy, eighty... No amount of wrinkles or grey hairs would ever take away from the intoxicatingly beautiful creature I knew thrived beneath the skin. Not that it wasn't beautiful skin, and would always be beautiful skin- it was Bella's, how could it not? But life _after _Bella? Meaningless. But my family… their importance to me was different from the way my life was tied to Bella's. Just as strong, but… My mind went in endless circles. And yet I knew without a doubt I'd inevitably find myself at the Volturi's doorstep to dispose of whatever shell I knew I would be without my Bella, who was now—crying?

The credits rolled and I realized with amusement just how caught up Bella had gotten in the story. I sighed mentally. It was so easy for humans, really- the desire to forfeit life was achieved by any number of things. Too easy.

"I will admit, I'm slightly jealous of Romeo at the end," I said as I wiped a tear off of her ivory cheek with a wisp of her hair.

Bella said musingly, "She really is beautiful."

I was mildly appalled that that's where her thoughts went. "No," I corrected her. "I'm not jealous for _Juliet_- merely the simplicity of suicide," I said teasingly. "Human beings have things so effortlessly on that front! All it takes is knocking back one measly shot of poison…"

Bella paled and the horror was evident on her face. "What?"

"It's just… something I had to consider before," I clarified. "I had an idea from Carlisle's exploits that it would not be easy. I honestly don't know how many times he even tried to commit suicide at first, once he fully realized what he had turned into…" My voice trailed off as I watched her eyes widen. I deliberately forced my voice to return to its cheerful tease, "He's obviously still healthy as a horse." I smiled.

Bella didn't. She turned and stared at me, as if to really look into my face. "What on earth do you mean?" she exclaimed. "Something you had to consider before?" My own words flew out of her mouth in a demanding rush. "What are you talking about?"

"Well, this past spring, when you… nearly got… killed…" Memories of that awful room with that monster James, his eyes full of mockery as he crouched over Bella's bleeding, broken form flashed across my mind and I took a deep breath as I tried to bring my voice back to a lighter tone. "Granted, I was most assuredly attempting to try to find you, alive, but in the back of my head I was making back-up plans. As I mentioned, it's easier for a human than it would be for me."

Bella's left hand came up almost unconsciously to trace the scar on her right hand. She had started slowly shaking her head even before I had finished speaking. She gave an involuntary shudder and she quoted me again. "Back-up plans?" she asked weakly.

The mere possibility of life without Bella was almost blasphemous. It seemed so simple, so obvious to me. Could she really not understand the depth of my love for her, the unbreakable connection I felt with her? I rolled my eyes at the thought. "It's not as though I would live without you. I just wasn't quite certain on how to execute it—I knew Jasper and Emmett would be no help… and so I'd thought perhaps I would travel to Italy and do something that would stimulate the Volturi to action."

It seemed odd that I would be discoursing with Bella now about the thoughts I'd had only a few moments ago. Bella interrupted my brooding sharply.

"_What_ is a Volturi?" she exclaimed.

I was momentarily stunned at her fervor but my thoughts quickly resumed their place on the train they'd been riding earlier… I realized she would have no idea who Aro, Marcus, and Caius were, to say nothing of their guard and their powerful potential. I attempted to explain.

"They're… a family," I began delicately. "An ancient, powerful family of vampires. I suppose they would be considered the next thing to a royal family in our world. Carlisle was staying with them for a while in Italy, in his earlier years before he migrated and decided to stay here in the United States. Do you recall the account he gave?"

"I definitely recall that," Bella confirmed with a shiver.

She would have done more than shiver if she had been fully aware of all they were capable of… With all their unchecked ability, I was sure they were the perfect answer should I ever need a solution to the problem of my existence. I had only seen the three leaders through Carlisle's memories and a painting in his study from centuries ago, but Aro's eager smile, Caius' malicious grin, and Marcus' attitude of utter boredom to everything around him were images that prevailed through the filter Carlisle attempted to see them through for my sake. I was all too aware that they and their guard would have no problems disposing of me if I were to cause enough trouble for them. But that was no longer an issue. My Bella was alive, here, and with me.

"Anyway, you don't provoke the Volturi. Not unless you truly desire death—or whatever happens when we cease to exist." I was honestly a little bored with the concept; considering how much I'd thought of it in the past, the thoughts were suddenly stale and unappealing.

Bella's eyes widened once more as she placed her hands on either side of my face. I could feel her muscles tensing with strain, with the effort she put into holding her hands there, but not the pressure itself. It would have taken much, much more to make any serious difference.

"You can't ever, ever, _ever_ even think of anything like that, ever again!" she said forcefully. "Despite what happens to me, _you aren't allowed _to hurt yourself!"

"Well," I replied reasonably, "I won't ever place you in harm's way again, so the point is moot."

"_You_ won't ever place _me_ in harm's way? I thought we had confirmed that it's my fault I've got so much bad luck! How could you even think of such things!"

She was genuinely angry now, and I didn't want her to be upset over something so trivial. But I had to make her see reason, so I asked her, "Well, what would you do, if you had been in my place?"

"That's different."

I couldn't understand how. I laughed at her bemusedly as she dug herself into a logical hole.

"What if something _did_ happen," she interrupted my laughter. "If you died- would _you_ want _me_ to just kill myself?"

The chuckle died in my throat. I honestly hadn't contemplated that point. "I suppose I see your side… to a degree. But how could I live without you?"

"The same way you lived before I ever stumbled into your life and complicated it," she retorted.

I sighed. It wasn't nearly that simple, and I told her so.

"Well it should be easy for you- I'm really not all that fascinating," she said.

I was about to counterpoint that when I realized I was doing just what I'd hoped to avoid- argue with her about a nonexistent issue.

"It's a moot point, remember?" I reminded her. Before the words left my mouth, I could hear the sound of a familiar engine turn onto the Bella's street. I sat up and pulled away from her, painful as it was, before we ended up in the middle of a make-up kiss that I had no desire for Charlie to walk in on.

She smiled a little as she sat back against the cushions. "My dad?" she asked.

I just smiled, as three seconds later he did indeed pull up to the house. Bella seemed determined to at least be touching me in some small way, and she grabbed my hand and held it in hers with a solid grip.

The odor of steaming human food preceded Charlie as he walked into the room. "Hi there, kiddos," he said, smiling at Bella.

_Oh, he's here again. They're practically inseparable, those two… I doubt he'll be hungry but I at least ought to offer…_

"I figured you'd like a cooking and cleaning break in honor of your birthday. Are ya hungry?" His eyes remained on Bella.

"Yeah, thank you Dad," Bella smiled up at her father and we joined him in the kitchen.

He set the pizza down on the table and kicked off his shoes. _Does that kid ever eat? It's kind of strange… Although, I guess having a doctor for a dad would make you more health-conscious. Wonder if the poor kid has ever even eaten pizza before…_

I smiled to myself at the memory of Bella's fascination with me and food in the burgeoning days of our relationship. If he knew how I'd end up coughing up the food later, he wouldn't be so eager for me to eat at all. Still, he made no comment audibly on my obvious lack of appetite.

I sat through their meal and chatted with Bella and her father over the typical happenings of a small town. But when the meal was done I noticed how close the hands of the clock were to proclaiming it seven p.m. and thought to ask Charlie for his permission for Bella's occasion tonight. Even now, I felt safer with Bella at my house knowing someone else knew where she was. I asked if he minded that I borrowed Bella for the night, and he responded in the affirmative with the explanation that his favorite baseball team would be playing that night.

As we stood up to vacate the table, Charlie picked up the camera he'd bought for her birthday to complement the scrapbook her mother had purchased. "Here," he said, tossing the camera towards Bella.

In characteristic Bella fashion, the camera missed her fingertips and was headed for the linoleum. I caught hold of it before it crashed to the floor, garnering a "Nice save!" from Charlie. He continued with, "You know, if the Cullens have something planned tonight you ought to take pictures. You know your mother—she's going to want prints before you even get them taken."

Documenting as much of Bella's life as possible seemed like a good idea to me, considering Charlie would need something to remember her by in the unlikely event Alice's one-time vision of Bella as a vampire came true. I shook the thought from my mind and agreed, "That's a good idea, Charlie." I handed the camera to Bella, who in turn focused it on me. I grinned at her as she snapped a shot.

"Well, it's working," she grinned back.

"Good," Charlie said. "Hey, do me a favor and say hello to Alice for me would ya? I haven't seen her over here in some time…"

"Dad, it's been all of three days," Bella reminded him.

I could tell from Charlie's thoughts that he was quite fond of Alice. That wasn't unusual; my sister could have a very magnetic charm when she wanted to. Charm aside, though, Charlie was mostly grateful for having someone over to take care of Bella in ways he couldn't while she was recovering from the injures she'd sustained from James.

"I'll let her know," I smiled at him.

"Alrighty. Well you enjoy yourselves, kids…" he trailed off as he made his way toward the couch. Bella was freely mine tonight.

It was with a smile that I led her from the kitchen to her truck, and said a silent prayer of thanks when she didn't object to me holding the passenger door open for her. I reminded myself of that pleasure as I chugged painfully along in her ancient vehicle with its built in speed limit…

"Go easy," Bella cautioned me as the truck groaned.

I couldn't understand why she would voluntarily keep such a thing when I was more than willing to help her with a new vehicle… the possibilities were endless! "You know what would be perfect? An Audi coupe. It would be very quiet but with a lot of power… you'd love it…"

"There is absolutely nothing wrong with my truck," she declared defensively. "Speaking of unnecessary expenses, I hope you know you'd be in trouble if you spent anything for my birthday."

"Not a single cent," I promised.

"Good."

I was exasperated. She had no clue how important this would be, not only for Alice, but for my family. Bella didn't understand just how excited they would be. I explained the significance of the evening, recounting for her the conversation Alice and I had had at lunch, and I could see understanding in a startled flash across her face. They so rarely got the chance to genuinely celebrate anything- not counting the countless "weddings" we'd had for Carlisle and Esme, Jasper and Alice, and Emmett and Rosalie in turn…. Oh, Rosalie… With that thought, I figured it would be best to warn her…

I cleared my throat. "And when I say that everyone is excited, I really mean everyone…"

"Like…all of your family?" Bella asked with slight panic. "I was under the impression that Rosalie and Emmett were still in Africa!"

"Well, they were, but Emmett wanted to be here."

She digested that before tremulously asking, "And… what about Rosalie?"

It was more than common knowledge that Rosalie disdained Bella, but she had promised to be on her best behavior and I told Bella so, asking her not to worry.

She didn't reply, so I changed the subject. "If you won't let me buy you a car, then, what _would_ you like for your birthday?"

She said with a pout, "You're very much aware of what I'd like."

I should have stuck with Rosalie.

I took a deep breath and said, "Bella, please- not tonight!"

"Fine… perhaps Alice could give me what I want."

I was mentally cursing her for even mentioning she'd had a glimpse of Bella as one of our kind. I turned to Bella with a promise, "This won't be your final birthday, Bella."

"That's unfair!" she exclaimed.

I was exasperated. How could she keep pushing this? Unfair? Did she honestly think me ending her life was fair for me? I took several deep breaths to calm down as we pulled into the driveway.

"Don't forget, it's a birthday _party_," I reminded her. "Please—try to be good."

"Fine," she said resignedly. She took my outstretched hand and a quizzical look came across her face. "I want to know something."

I steeled myself for whatever she could come up with now. This day did not have a good track record for Bella's sensible inquiries.

"If I develop this film, will you show up in that picture I snapped?"

That was so unexpected I laughed, shaking my head. After all we had discussed so long ago about myth versus reality in the meadow, did she really think I wouldn't appear on film? Had she not seen the portraits and photographs of each of us scattered throughout the house? Still laughing, I opened the door to my home and led her inside. My family had heard the car coming a few seconds ago and took that as their cue to gather in the living room.

A loud cheer of "Happy Birthday, Bella!" greeted us as she flushed and lowered her gaze to the floor. It was the only open space that Alice and Esme hadn't covered with flowers or candles. But in the soft candlelight reflecting off her hair and eyes, with the fragrance of flowers hanging in the air, I all but forgot my family.

Bella was a hundred times more beautiful than I imagined.

The blush that made her seem so achingly beautiful only signified her discomfort, however, so I forced myself to focus on the task at hand- making sure Bella was happy. I pulled her close to me and buried my face in her hair, kissing the soft tresses. I relinquished my hold on her to allow for Esme and Carlisle to greet her as well. Carlisle's profession being what it was, and Esme's compassionate nature brimming from every pore, left me completely at ease as they embraced Bella.

"Sorry, Bella," Carlisle whispered loudly with a mischievous gleam in his eyes. "We couldn't tone Alice down!"

Emmett and Rosalie stood next in the receiving line, and they didn't assuage my mind much as far as keeping Bella safe went. Emmett would never intentionally hurt Bella, of that I was sure, but his awareness of his superhuman strength made him cautious. _Don't worry, bro, I'll be careful!_ he thought. He tapped Bella with the lightest of touches on her shoulder and mentioned, "You didn't change one bit! I thought I'd be able to tell you'd aged a year, but you're still the same Blushing Bella!"

"Gee, thanks," Bella said with soft sarcasm as she gave Emmett more reason to use his new nickname.

Rosalie stood off, blank-faced, with thoughts of boredom. _I just don't understand what you see in her, Edward. _

I glared at her.

She raised her eyebrows at me. _What? I could be taking down an exotic gazelle right now but I'm here because Emmett "couldn't miss this." What is it about that human that makes everyone think the world revolves around her?_ Her thoughts became less directed at me and more pensive in general. I had no patience for Rosalie and managed to bite back a retort when Emmett spoke up.

"I've gotta step out for a sec," he glanced at me before winking at Alice. _Keep her occupied, 'kay?_

I gave him the slightest of nods.

Once again he directed his communication towards Bella—"Don't do anything funny while I'm gone!"

"I'll do my best," Bella smiled.

He slipped from the room as a beaming Alice danced forward from where she had been holding Jasper's hand. Jasper, for his part, stayed put. I flinched as I felt him take mental note of just where each exit was, Bella's proximity to them, to me, and the pulse of her throat that his gaze locked on…. My low hiss wasn't heard over Alice's announcement that it was time to open the presents.

Jasper blinked and then lowered his gaze in apology. I understood at once- it wasn't Bella, it could have been any human that he was strategizing to corner and… Still. With Bella, that was over the line and he knew it. Shame filled his face and I noticed his eyes weren't as golden as they could have been. I was about to ask him quietly when he'd last fed when Bella's confused voice piped up, "Um, thanks?" as she held an empty box.

Rosalie even smiled and Jasper chuckled, glad that something broke the tension. "It's a new radio- for your truck," he said. "Emmett is outside installing it as we speak, so you won't be able to return it." He winked.

When he did that, he was much more like the brother I knew and loved. This evening was actually turning into more fun than I'd thought. Seeing Bella unable to escape the gifts she more than deserved made me happy.

"Thank you Rosalie, and Jasper. And thanks Emmett!" she called out. His laugh could be heard echoing from the front yard, which made us all laugh.

"Mine and Edward's next!" Alice exclaimed as she walked to hand Bella a small, flat package. I grinned in anticipation. I'd spent a little over two months perfecting, recording, and then editing the music I thought she'd like best, and I was actually feeling a bit like a child on Christmas even though the gift wasn't mine to open.

But Bella shot me a look when she saw the "To/From" tag. "Remember what you promised!"

I was about to shoot her an exasperated reply when Emmett came bounding in.

"I'm right on time!" he exclaimed triumphantly. He ended up pushing Jasper forward, who had already moved up, in an attempt to get a closer look. With everyone crowded so close, I felt the need to comfort her.

Brushing back a stray twist of hair that had been teased loose, I assured her that I hadn't spent a single penny. I felt her shiver beneath my touch, which caused me to shiver in turn. I could tell she was breathing in my scent even as I noticed the knowing chuckles and smiles the rest of my family shared amongst each other.

With resolution, Bella held her hand out to Alice. "Let's have it," she sighed.

Emmett was practically bouncing from excitement.

Bella began to remove the wrapping and rolled her eyes at me.

In that instant, two things happened at once:

One, a single drop of blood welled up from a paper cut on Bella's finger.

Two, Jasper's eyes widened and his nostrils flared at this close proximity to fresh, human blood. I didn't even take the time to listen to his thoughts. The wild, inhuman desire on his face was enough to set me in motion.

"NO!" I shouted. Without a thought other than for Bella's safety, I flew in front of her to shield her from Jasper's on-coming rush. She ended up falling back across the table, which broke under my force, scattering cake, flowers, candles, and glass everywhere. Shards of glass embedded themselves in her skin as she sank to the floor, pale and barely breathing, as a fresh rush of crimson started flowing down her arm.

Jasper snarled and was grasping for her faster than a blink, with Esme wringing her hands in despair and Carlisle reaching towards Jasper, just missing his collar by inches. Even Rosalie seemed momentarily frozen, horrified by Jasper's manic frenzy.

I saw rather than heard Alice shriek as I pushed Jasper, holding him at bay while Emmett's eyes grew large and in a split second he was attempting to wrestle Jasper back. He took in a deep breath and held it, but when he inhaled he caught something, a trace, an essence. I recognized it immediately in the minds of every one of my family members as soon as I smelled it for myself, the word branded onto the forefront of their minds in a single, united proclamation of recognition and hunger-

_Blood_.

They mentally echoed the word as they turned to lock their eyes on my worst nightmare- Bella, small and bleeding on the floor, gazing up at my family in terror.

**Dun dun DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! We all know what happens next b/c I'm sure we've all read New Moon, but what I **_**don't**_** know is what you guys think — should I keep it up or leave the world of the Cullens to Stephenie Meyer? Review & let me know!**


	3. Resolution

**A/N: Again, the following is based entirely upon the world Stephenie Meyer has created, and I'm merely humbly attempting to convey my impression of her brilliant work. Get ready for some shock-n-dismay! Sorry this update is so effing long! I won't be insulted if you read it in bits & pieces, I promise. Once again, Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight-related.**

**O_o **

**I JUST REALIZED- THAT MUST MEAN SHE OWNS PART OF MY SOUL! XD Bleh, enough about **_**my**_** soul- let's focus on Edward's, hmm? (=**

**Chapter 2: Resolution**

I was horrified. All I could do was stand in shock before the gravity of the situation settled on me and I whipped around to stand over Bella. In mere seconds, Alice's flicker of a vision from earlier that day had become a horrible, nightmarish reality. Jasper's resolve had fallen from his face and been replaced by some snarling, grasping monster that I had never seen before. Alice's face was twisted into a mask of pain and fear as she flew to protect Bella from her own soul mate. I held my breath, even as a growl of warning erupted from my chest, while I huddled over Bella.

A series of choice expletives were on the verge of escaping my lips when Carlisle's calm voice rang with authority, "Rose, Emmett, take Jasper outside."

Emmett nodded, determination across his face. "Let's go, Jazz."

Jasper still grappled with Emmett's vise-like grip, reaching, snarling, lunging towards Bella with teeth bared and no trace of sanity anywhere in his expression. Rosalie placed herself in front of Jasper to help Emmett lead him outside.

_Having a human around was a disastrous idea,_ she chided me. _I knew something like this would happen. Maybe you'll realize now that she's just not worth it_. She arched her eyebrows and actually grinned. I was suddenly as furious at Rosalie as I was at Jasper, but she stepped outside before I could direct that fury at her.

Esme glanced back at us, fret and shame mixed on her face. _Edward, I- I can't—_

I pressed my lips into a thin line and nodded at her with resignation.

She pressed her hand over her face and gave Bella a look of pure anguish. "Oh Bella, I'm so, so sorry…" And she, too, disappeared into the night.

"Edward, let me see her." Carlisle was the only one left. _It's alright, son. We'll get this taken care of._ He waited patiently, one hand extended toward us in a silent plea.

I lowered my gaze back to Bella, who sat wilted and shocked on the floor. Alice had dashed to the kitchen and now returned holding a dish towel, but Carlisle shook his head.

"There's too much glass in that cut. Let's just worry about getting the bleeding stopped first."

He knelt by the table and tore a strip from the now cake-stained tablecloth, tying it tightly above Bella's elbow to slow the bleeding. I was fighting every instinct to breathe; despite not needing the oxygen, it was starting to get uncomfortable. One look at Bella's face, however, made me resist from inhaling.

"Bella," Carlisle murmured. "Would you like me to take care of this here, or should I take you to the hospital?"

"Take care of it here, please, if that's alright," Bella croaked weakly.

"Let me go get your medical bag," Alice spoke up. She cast a glance at me.

_Oh Edward… I'm so sorry... _she thought at me before she darted off to Carlisle's office.

I blinked, gazing at Bella grimly until Carlisle requested I help him move her to the kitchen table.

I swung Bella up into my arms. Her bird-like frame was practically weightless in my arms; one more tally mark of remembrance towards how fragile she was. Too fragile, really…. Once again I struggled with the thought that perhaps I was doing more harm than good with my selfish persistence in staying anywhere near this beautiful, breakable creature. What had I been thinking, imposing my world upon someone as delicate as Bella Swan? I chastised myself mentally and ignored the façade of cool acceptance Bella infused into her voice as she told Carlisle she was fine.

The monster I had thought I'd beaten out of my system reared its ugly head only long enough to make itself known. It didn't snarl, it didn't strategize, it merely waited with malicious patience as if Bella would willingly shove her crimson dripping arm in front of my face. Already my brain was buzzing in anticipation but I struggled to maintain my willingly breathless state. The memory of the taste of Bella's blood popped into my mind, and, combined with the sight of it now clotting on her arm, it was all the more reason for me not to add the scent of it to my all-too-sensitive sensory input.

Bella sighed. "Oh Edward…. Just leave," she pleaded with me.

I shook my head resolutely. "It's fine," I lied, fighting back the traitorous thirst that grew more intense each second.

"There's no reason to be the champion of stubborn," she smiled weakly at me. "Isn't that usually my job? I think Carlisle can handle this. You need air."

I shook my head at her again. I needed _her_- no amount of fresh air could compare with that. But Alice and Carlisle both shot me warning looks.

_Edward, it's fine_, Carlisle attempted to persuade me.

_Edward, don't blame yourself_, Alice thought at the same time as Carlisle.

"I'm fine!" I persistently answered them all. Alice sighed mentally.

"Why do you have to torture yourself?" Bella grumbled.

I was almost out of air to speak with, but there was no way I would leave her side when this had been my fault from the beginning.

Carlisle interrupted my attempts to defend my presence. "Edward, you should find your brother before he goes too far away. No doubt he's disappointed in himself, and I'm certain you're the only one he'll even come close to listening too right now."

"Yeah!" Bella said hopefully. "You should find Jasper."

"Might as well make yourself useful," Alice spoke aloud. She continued mentally, _Face it, Edward, all you're doing by standing there is being stubborn and masochistic. Besides, _her face fell a little, _Carlisle is right… I doubt Jasper would listen to even me right now. Anything I could possibly say he'd just chalk up to what I'm "supposed to say." _She shrugged slightly as her mouth pulled up at one corner.

I narrowed my eyes at each of them in turn. And if I could, I would have sighed in exasperation, but they were right. As it was, I didn't trust myself enough to even do that. I dipped my head briefly before striding to the back door in the kitchen and resisting the urge to fill my lungs until I was fully past the house.

I caught a slight whiff of Jasper's scent off to the northeast, with the others' being slightly fresher, and followed it dully. I made no move to hurry, partly because I was truly tempted to run back to Bella now that the cool, damp air had had a chance to cleanse every cell in my pulmonary cavity. But the other part of my hesitation was because I had no clue what I would say to Jasper once I actually found him. The barest rush of air behind me had me whipping around in seconds, only to see Alice rushing over to me.

She seemed to sense I wasn't feeling particularly talkative, and I was grateful for her lack of chatter. Her thoughts seemed focused entirely on Jasper, and with a pleading look towards me I took her outstretched hand and hastened my steps with hers towards where he would be.

We found them in the clearing where we had played baseball so many months ago. Jasper sat on the ground with his head in his hands, Esme's arms around his shoulders. Emmett and Rosalie appeared to be in a heated discussion, although most of the heat seemed to be coming from Rosalie. Emmett's tone merely pleaded with her and abruptly she cut off her arguments as soon as Alice and I stepped into view.

Alice released my hand and practically flew to Jasper, kneeling on the ground before him and taking her head into her own hands. He looked up at her with a mixture of relief and shame, but the relief was eclipsed by the shame once his gaze met mine.

"Edward, I—I— " He seemed at a loss for words.

I cut off whatever he would have said with a look. I wanted to yell at him, to demand to know what he had been thinking, to make him explain why he hadn't fed before tonight, but seeing his defeated form made me pause. Once I opened my mouth to speak, Rosalie beat me to it.

"Oh, come on, Edward!" Her voice echoed angrily in the night. "When are you going to realize that Bella freaking Swan just isn't made for our world? There are countless times things like tonight could have happened before, and might happen in the future! Why can't you see that you can't make her fit?"

"Rose!"

Her name was said by everyone at once- Esme with astonishment, Emmett with disappointment, Jasper with supplication, Alice with anger. I snapped my mouth shut and turned on her with a hiss, with all my fury from earlier sparking in my eyes. She actually trembled and took an involuntary step backward to Emmett.

"Look, all I'm saying is… can't you see what I mean?" she looked pleadingly up into Emmett's face and was met with disapproval. She tried again, but I was so far past reason I stalked past her to Jasper, holding out my hand to help him up. He stared at me warily, but accepted my grip and got to his feet.

"I'm not that much mad," I said honestly. "Obviously I want to know what you were thinking, but I understand that moment didn't have much thought involved, did it?" I asked wryly.

He smiled slightly in confirmation. "She _is_ sweeter than most other humans," he admitted. "I suppose I understand- in part- her attraction for you. I'm sorry that I was out of line, that I was so… so animalistic!" He shook his head in disbelief at the memory. "But back there, she was just another human…" He lifted his hands helplessly and Alice joined Esme in embracing him.

"I forgive you, Jasper," I said quietly. And truly I did. But I could feel the acid in my voice as I turned to Rosalie, who was quivering against Emmett.

"Edward, believe it or not I do care about you and I want you to be happy, but I also want you to really think—"

Her words were met with a groan from everyone except Esme.

"No, seriously!" she protested. "Edward," she continued softly, "this is just one incident in a whole string of bad possibilities. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, just _realistic._"

This time, Esme wasn't silent.

"Rosalie, I think we all understand your point, but what Edward wants is up to Edward. And if he wants Bella to be a part of his life than so be it, and none of us need interfere in that decision."

They all continued discussing what to do next, who to send to see if Bella was alright, and whether or not to come back before or after she'd gone home.

Esme's words rang in my head, making me pause to consider… What did I want? For as appallingly tactless as she was, Rosalie had a point. Did I really want Bella exposed to the undeniable danger she would face if she were to be a part of my existence? And the thought stopped me stone cold, because I knew the truth. Bella could either be part of my world, or she couldn't. And being part of my world meant truly being a part of it. Rosalie was right, I realized with grief. But I could not- would not- destroy the love of my entire existence. I could not damn her to this eternity of soullessness. Carlisle had disagreed, in his quiet way, with my view about the lack of our kind still retaining a remnant of our eternal souls. And yet I remembered countless black decades that had blurred to one grey area until I met Bella Swan, as well as each face of the humans I myself had preyed upon. Could I subject her to this? To this torment, to removing her from her friends, her family? Even those she disdained would have treated her better than she had been treated tonight. Even the intolerable Mike Newton would have at least returned her to her father in better condition than the bloodied, lacerated mess she'd ended up as tonight! In that moment, I made my resolution.

Alice was shaking her head at me, knowing what I would say before I even said it.

"No, Edward," her voice laced with dread. "It doesn't have to be that way…"

Everyone else was silent instantly, eyes glued to me.

"What?" Jasper looked at Alice, whose eyes were still locked onto mine.

"It does have to be that way, Alice," I replied. In a softer tone, I addressed Esme but my words were for everyone. "We can't do this. We can't stay here. Every second that I'm with her is about restraint, and she's too fragile. I can't expect you all to exercise the same caution, just because my thick-headed selfishness won't—"

Esme's breathing sped up. "Edward, don't you think you should—"

"No!" I interrupted forcefully. I found myself nodding at each of them. "Rosalie is right." I ignored her shocked expression and pressed on. "She's right. Bella should never have been introduced to our world, and it's entirely my fault… my fault…" I broke off, closer to tears than I had ever been in my entire vampire existence, if they were even a remote possibility. I set my shoulders and ignored their pleas and protests as I started back towards the house.

"Edward, wait!" Alice cried out as she sped up to catch me. "Edward, don't do this. Not right now. Not tonight. At least give us a chance to make some plans, to get things in order, for Bella to come to grips with the idea of us leaving before we actually leave!" She was babbling. "Edward, listen to me!"

I stopped, breathing hard. "What?" I asked flatly.

"Edward- please- think about this. You can't just cut yourself out of her life like this."

"Watch me," I replied. The steel in my voice showed none of the inner turmoil I was feeling, even though I'd convinced myself I'd made up my mind.

"We all love Bella, and I know that pales in comparison to how you feel, but try to think about what Bella would feel? If you are really, truly going to do this, please at least give her the chance of a normal 'break-up', you know? Dropping her off tonight and vanishing is not a very good plan!" she chided.

I considered her words. "Very well. I'll do what I can to make this as easy as possible. But I don't want her to have any regrets. I'll make it so that it'll be as if I never was a part of her life; as if I never existed. Enough time will pass eventually…" I forced myself to believe the words. "She'll move on." My breath caught on that last phrase, and I looked up to see Esme hurrying towards us.

"Emmett and Rosalie are taking Jasper back to their spare house near Mount Carrie. They'll be back before morning, but he just needed some time," she said gently, then glanced at Alice. "I think Edward needs some time, too."

I smiled at her gratefully and hugged her to me before kissing the top of her head. Esme was so much of a mother to me; I was actually mildly glad Bella hadn't had the chance to truly bond with this amazing woman. I looked to Alice. Alice would be more difficult… She had been tied to Bella from the beginning. But as I turned to hug her as well, I spoke in agreement with Esme, "If you don't mind, I'd rather see Bella alone for now."

We had reached the house.

"That's fine," Esme said gently. "I should probably grab the bleach from the shed and clean up, anyway. Alice, do you mind grabbing the mop?"

Alice flashed her white teeth in a sad smile. "I'm on it." They disappeared in the dark towards the shed of cleaning products and tools.

My footsteps were heavy as I entered through the living room. I surveyed the damage- shattered glass, smeared icing, and—I shuddered—splatters of blood across the hardwood floor. I turned on my heel as I heard Carlisle's voice drift into the dining room.

"I just looked at him. Despite how ill he was, he was still good-looking. There was something beautiful and innocent about his face. The sort of face I would have hoped my son to have.

"And after years and years of vacillating, I decided merely on impulse. I took his mother down to the morgue before coming back for him. Everyone was so busy; they didn't realize he was still breathing. There was such a shortage of staff it was easy to lose track of the patients' needs. The morgue was vacated, at least of those who were alive. I snuck him out the rear exit, and carried him over the roofs until we were at my residence.

"I was unsure of what I needed to do next, so I decided to recreate the injuries I myself had received in London so long ago. Later I regretted it; it was more lingering and painful than strictly required.

"But I wasn't sorry. I never have been sorry for saving him." Carlisle shook his head as if to emphasize his point. "I guess I should take you home," he said, coming back to the present. He looked up to glance at the clock and his eyes caught mine in the doorway.

"I can do it," I announced, emerging from the shadows. My voice sounded wooden and my feet still felt like lead. I couldn't look her in the eyes, not knowing what I'd decided and what I had to do. Even now I longed to bury my face in her hair, to rewind the night and never have brought her over here to experience this disaster.

Pain shot through my very being when she said, "Carlisle can take me," but I looked away to swallow back the grief. She glanced down at the bloody, tattered mess that was her shirt and I fought to control myself.

"I'm alright. You're going to need to change your shirt, anyway," I explained, hoping my despair wasn't bleeding through my words. "You would end up putting your father into cardiac arrest with that on. I'll go get Alice to find you something."

I spun abruptly away from them and hurried out of the room before I betrayed my need to hold her, just hold her close and never let her go.

"Alice," I called. The volume in my voice was unnecessary as Alice could have heard me whisper, but I didn't want to make things more uncomfortable for Bella than they already were. Normal people couldn't hear from a whisper from a one-story difference in location. I snorted to myself. People in general couldn't hear that well, to say nothing of being normal; I would never be a "person". I was an abomination; an immortal risk. And there was no way I'd let Bella forfeit her soul just to remove that risk.

Alice appeared at my side instantly from where she'd brought a fresh tablecloth out of the linen closet.

"Don't say anything to her, please," I begged.

She opened her mouth, then shut it and shrugged hopelessly. _If that's how you want it to be…_ she thought as she preceded me into the kitchen, hurrying to Bella's side.

"Come on," she said with an attempt at brightness. "Let's get you something less gruesome to put on."

I could hear them murmuring from upstairs, but I didn't feel like picking their conversation out of Alice's head. I trusted her implicitly. _Then again…_ a thought nagged at me, _before tonight I would have said the same about Jasper_. I sighed wearily and waited for her by the front door. From the dining room, I heard Esme briefly explain my decision to Carlisle. His eyes widened at me.

_Are you sure that's what you want to do, son?_

I nodded resolutely. "It's not even a matter of what I want to do anymore, as much as what's best for Bella," I replied quietly. I set my face in what was hopefully a blank mask as Bella came downstairs. I held the door open for her.

"Don't forget your presents!" Alice exclaimed as Bella made her way towards me. She gathered the as-yet unopened CD from me and plane tickets from my parents, plus the stereo box and her camera, and heaped them into Bella's undamaged arm. "Once you've opened them you can thank me," she grinned charmingly. Sweet, dependable Alice.

Carlisle and Esme each offered Bella a subdued "goodnight" and glanced at me, as Bella did.

I kept pace with Bella silently. I couldn't even think of what words to say at the moment. When we got to her truck, I opened the passenger side door for her out of habit. Lord knew that it would be just our luck for us to get into an accident, and despite the tank-like body of her vehicle I felt safer behind the wheel than my fragile love with one bandaged arm. _She'd probably be better off in a real tank,_ I mused. _Or at the very least, a car able to withstand missiles would be appropriate, considering her magnetism for trouble._ A brief, half-smile touched my face as I considered my private joke and climbed into the driver's seat.

I lost myself in my thoughts and pushed her engine as fast as it would reluctantly go on the way toward the Swan house. How fitting, that her surname should be Swan. That was my Bella exactly- pure, delicate, ethereal, and perfectly untainted. Exquisite, really. Such a warm, breakable being really didn't belong, didn't fit alongside my unyielding skin and the brutal chill that was my world.

"Say something," Bella pleaded, interrupting my reflections.

"What should I say?" I asked flatly.

She seemed to shrink into herself as she said softly, "Say that you forgive me."

I was astonished. How could she possibly blame herself for the bedlam that had occurred tonight? "Forgive _you_? What is there to forgive you for?" I asked, almost angrily. It was a product of being in the wrong place with the wrong people. I scoffed at myself as I thought again about how we weren't even "people"…

"If I hadn't been so clumsy, none of that would've happened!"

I forced myself not to sound exasperated. "Bella, you got a paper cut- that's hardly cause for condemning yourself!"

"The fault is still mine."

This was past reason! Again I wondered how she could even remotely consider anything that had happened to be her fault tonight. If she had been around her normal human friends under the same circumstances… I had to make her understand.

"Your fault? If you had been at Mike Newton's house and gotten cut there, with Angela and Jessica and all your other normal human friends, what's the worst that could have possibly happened? Not finding a band-aid? Or even if you had stumbled and upset a stack of glass dishes on your own, what's the worst-case scenario? You'd have bloodied up the seats as they drove you in to the hospital?" My voice cracked as I considered my own words. "Mike Newton would have at least been able to hold your hand as they gave you stitches—and he wouldn't have been resisting the impulse to drink you dry the entire time as he did it. Do not attempt to take any of the blame for this, Bella. All it will do is make me more repulsed at myself."

"How in the hell did Mike Newton make his way into this discussion?" she asked angrily.

"Mike Newton made his way into this discussion because he would have been infinitely healthier for you to be with!"

"I would rather die than be with him!" she declared. "I would rather die than be with anybody but you!"

I took my eyes off the road for second to pinch the bridge of my nose in frustration. Vampires didn't get headaches, but it was easy to get exasperated and lose concentration.

"Please, don't exaggerate and be dramatic," I scoffed.

"Only if you'll stop being absurd!" she retorted.

Absurd. She was calling me absurd. I sighed internally, trying to harness and channel some of that exasperation I was feeling into determination. She was silent for the rest of the trip.

When we pulled up to her house, I kept my hands locked on the steering wheel in an effort at self-control. Part of me wanted to scoop her up and take her away with me somewhere, anywhere where we could just _be_. But I now recognized that part of me for what it was- pure selfishness. And I wasn't going to do that anymore. I wouldn't let my selfishness win anymore.

"Are you staying tonight?" she whispered.

"I really should go home." I replied tonelessly.

"Will you stay for my birthday?" she persisted.

I had to fight a smile at the flaws in her logic. "Either you want people to recognize today as your birthday or not. You can't have it both ways."

"Well, I've decided that I want you to recognize my birthday. See you inside!"

She stepped out and leaned back in to retrieve her gifts. I frowned, knowing she didn't truly want today to be recognized as her birthday but that she just wanted me to stay with her.

"You don't need to bring those," I observed.

"Yes I do. I want to," she replied quickly. I wondered if she thought I was attempting reverse psychology.

"No," I contradicted, "you don't. Esme and Carlisle spent money on them."

"I'll survive," she grinned. She shut the passenger door and I hesitated for a moment.

Selfishness won.

I was at her side in an instant.

"Please, at least allow me to take them," I gently removed the presents from her light grasp. "I will be waiting upstairs."

"Thank you," she smiled up at me.

I sighed. "Happy birthday." And I leaned down to press my lips to hers. Of course, she tip-toed up to keep it going as I straightened up. I smiled at her indulgently and walked around the side of the house.

I scaled the wall up into her room in an effortless leap and eased the window open. I settled myself on her bed and looked with interest around her room. The seemingly mundane aspects of human life I actually found quite fascinating- the need for electric light, temperature regulation, sustenance- none of that had changed in my ninety-odd years, just the way humans went about achieving such things. How they had defined need had changed. One thing I noted with consistency was the need for music. That certainly had endured my transformation. Each of us in my family all had our own favorite songs. I fiddled with the partly-opened packaged containing my CD, recalling the inspiration behind the electronic data stored on the disc. At that moment, I could hear, she was currently turning off the faucet and drying her hands awkwardly. My lacerated love…

I glanced up when she came in. "Hi," I said quietly.

She hopped onto the bed, pushing the gifts off of my lap so she could take their place.

"Hi," she replied, burrowing her face into my chest. My heart was breaking to realize how close she was, realizing I wanted her closer, and knowing how wrong both realizations were.

"Can I open up my gifts now?"

I was startled. "When did this eager change of attitude happen?"

"You piqued my interest."

She reached for Esme and Carlisle's present. I was stricken with visions of a repeat of this evening, so I reached out to take the gift back. "Please, let me." I half-smiled as I removed the paper from the long, flat box, and then handed it back to her.

"Do you think I'll be able to manage taking the lid off?" she mumbled.

I ignored her sarcasm.

She stared at the thick, folded sheet of paper listing the details of two flights to Jacksonville for a moment before her eyes grew wide in anticipation.

"We get to go Florida?"

"Well, that's the plan," I said with mild amusement. I refused to spoil the moment by admitting that, after a few days, I would not be accompanying her anywhere ever again...

"No way! My mom's going to go nuts! Is this okay, though?" she asked, suddenly concerned. "It'll be so bright, you'd have to stay in the house the whole time."

I smiled at her, "I think I could deal with it." But then my smile disappeared as I took in her response. "If I had any clue you would react to this so well, I'd have made you open this at home with Esme and Carlisle. I thought you would have protested."

"Well, it's obviously too much, but you get to come with me!"

I laughed. "I'm wishing I had actually bought you something, now. I was unaware you could actually be sensible."

My heart ached as she set the voucher aside and reached for my gift. I unwrapped that one as well before I handed the CD case to her.

"What is it?" she asked quizzically.

I didn't answer; I just extracted the disc and put it into her bedside stereo. I hit play, sat back, and waited until the first notes escaped from the speakers.

She sat, frozen for a moment until tears started to well up in her eyes and pain twisted her face.

I was irritated, mostly at Jasper for the moment, for causing an injury that would take away from this moment. But my worry for Bella's discomfort overrode anything else.

"Is your arm causing you pain?" I asked, concerned.

"Oh no, I'm not crying because of my arm! This is beautiful, Edward. You couldn't possibly have given me anything I wanted more. I love it… I can't believe it!" she said in awe, and abruptly sat back to listen to the lullaby inspired by her.

"I didn't think you'd allow me to purchase a piano to play it for you here," I teased.

"You thought right."

"How is your arm?"

"It's good," she said tightly. I could tell it was causing her discomfort, so I offered to go get her some painkillers.

"I'm okay!" she insisted, but I made my way to her bathroom regardless.

"My dad!" she whispered fiercely.

I was amused at her concern. I moved much too fast and too quietly for her baseball-occupied father to catch me.

"He won't notice me," I assured her. I made my way to her bathroom medicine cabinet, filled a glass of water, and returned before the door could even close.

She took the bottle of Tylenol from me without complaint- proof that her arm was bothering her more than she let on.

"It's after ten," I noted. I used one arm to move the covers back as I picked her up with the other. I tucked her under the covers and lay next to her, putting my arm around her.

She pressed her blanket-clad form against my body and let out a deep breath of happiness.

"Thank you, really," she whispered.

I said the only thing I could say- "You're welcome." How she could even think to thank me after tonight's disaster was beyond my capacity for rational thought. How was that even right? _Thanking_ me… She needed to be pushing me away, not snuggling up next to me. And resignation washed over me as I realized once again just what I would have to do, what would be best for her in the end.

"What's on your mind?" Bella asked softly.

I didn't want to bring up the issue, so I merely replied, "I was just tossing around the concepts of wrong and right, actually."

She spoke up quickly, almost as if she were attempting to distract me. "Remember how I told you I decided you _shouldn't_ ignore my birthday?"

I couldn't see where she was going with this. "Yes," I answered cautiously.

"I was just thinking, because it is still technically my birthday, that I want another kiss."

I smiled wryly. "You're pretty demanding this evening," I said, my eyes twinkling at her.

"I know, but—please—don't do anything you aren't sure you want to do," she added quickly.

Her words burned me. "God forbid I would do something I'm not sure I should do," I rasped, and I pulled her face up to mine.

I can honestly say that I tried—truly—but when her heart began pounding out its usual frenzied rhythm I was filled with a sense of desperation, forlorn that her heart should beat this way for me like a caged bird. Because I _had_ become a cage to her- a cage on her only chance at true freedom, true happiness. I could feel her hands twist into my hair, grasping, as she eagerly pushed her body against mine. I didn't stop her. But as the kiss became more urgent on both our parts, I mentally kicked myself for letting my selfishness take over even more than it already had. She had crossed my usually careful boundaries, and I stopped her with soft but firm hands.

She fell back onto her bed, panting, and I was gasping as well. Once again, every cell in my body was eager for her, for more than I should take. For more than she should have to give.

"I'm sorry," I apologized. "That was unacceptable of me."

"I certainly don't object," she said breathlessly.

Of course she wouldn't, which threw her selfless, giving nature into sharp relief against my own reckless desire. I frowned at her.

"Bella, you should try to sleep."

She shook her head even as I spoke the words. "I want another kiss."

I gazed at her reproachfully. "You're misjudging my ability to maintain my self-control."

"Is it because you want my body? Or my blood more?" she challenged.

"They're equal." She'd hit the nail on the head with that temptation. I found myself smiling briefly before resuming my sober expression. "Why push you luck? Get some sleep."

"Okay," she sighed, and cuddled up to me. In seconds she was nearly wilted with unconsciousness, but in an attempt at stealth she pressed her arm more firmly against my shoulder. I could feel the heat radiating from the injury and knew my cool skin must be like some sort of anesthetic for her.

An anesthetic, I thought with despair. That's all I was for her. Cutting her off from the truth of what she would be if I remained with her. Blinding her to her own ability to truly live to the fullest. Cutting off her chance to have a normal, happy, human _life_. I gazed at her sleeping form in anguish as she shivered once. I could never give her life. I could only bring her death, or separation. My heart— what she herself had jump-started, caused to once again feel as if made of living cells and tissues—was now broken. But what I knew I had to do.

**ALRIGHTY kiddos. If you think this reminds you of **_**New Moon**_** almost verbatim, that's because it is. I've got my copy open right next to me every time I write, too keep it as accurate as possible- line for line- until Edward disappears. What isn't in the book, however, is Edward's line "You can go to hell" in the most recent trailer. Think I should add that in when I get there? Post a review and tell me what you think!**


	4. Termination

**A/N: Again, Stephenie Meyer is the author/owner/ultimate goddess of all things Twilight. I am merely and meekly paying her homage with my attempt at Edward's story.**

**Forgive me for taking so long to update! All I'm saying is, this has been the hardest thing in the WORLD for me to write. I'm not even kidding. This took a lot out of me… LOL Now I know why SM isn't even gonna go there. *sigh* This is a longish chapter, so I had a few finishing touches to put on the break up itself before posting. But post it I did, and so…**

**Chapter 3: Termination**

6:02.

I glanced out the window as the first feeble attempts at daylight saturated the clouds and lit up the fringes of the eastern sky. After Bella had fallen asleep, I spent the remainder of the evening assuring myself that leaving was the best choice. The right choice. She needed someone, that was undeniable, but I couldn't be what she needed. Ever. I was a monster whose only benefit to the sleeping form next to me had been protection—from others who were just like me. Even that was a featherweight compared to the weightier, undeniable truth that I was more poisonous for her than protective. And so I worked up the nerve for my inevitable departure. _Inevitable. _The word jumped out, bit me by the nerve endings, reminded me I only had so much time left. My gaze flickered to the clock.

6:03.

I was relieved and impatient at the same time. I hated prolonging the inescapable. I was selfish, to be sure, but my cowardice was competing for the title Edward's Most Defining Personality Trait at the moment. So much of me just wanted to vanish, to disappear with one last kiss and hope that when she woke up, she would think I had been a dream. That it had all been a dream, from the beginning. I was certain she would be bewildered, but after enough time I hoped she would merely look back on these months with only a slight sense of unease before moving on with her life.

6:05.

I sighed and studied her heart-shaped face, her lashes spread out like fans against her cheeks. I knew I was being ridiculous. Bella Swan wasn't the only person in Forks my family had interacted with- we couldn't vanish without a trace and not expect to leave suspicion behind. Alice was right. I couldn't just leave. I'd give myself two days, three at the most, and during that time I would have my family make all the necessary arrangements to leave Forks and all its memories behind, not to mention purge all physical reminders of my existence from Bella's room. I knew _I'd_ never forget this place, though. Not only because of Bella, but this town where it was so easy to just _exist_ without too much thought. Plenty of wildlife, enough cloud cover to be able to blend in and function like a normal human, as well as a close proximity to all the sorts of things my family liked. Carlisle had his successful medical practice; Esme, with her mostly web-based interior design firm, was more than content here; Alice and her closeness to Seattle enjoyed every bit of its bohemian flavor; Jasper- so far from the nightmares of his past- had the peace and quiet of the woods. Emmett—and here I smiled to myself—had the thrill of grizzlies and physical challenges in those same woods… Even Rosalie was happy here, where she and her ostentatious vehicles were even more obviously aesthetically pleasing than anything for miles around.

Except Bella.

6:08.

I growled quietly in frustration. In all my years as a vampire, time had never passed so slowly. I knew what lingering would do to her, but it was just as painful for me. The longer I stayed, the more I wanted to. And that was exactly the reason why I had to leave in the first place.

But the minutes crept by as they are wont to do, and after the clock said half-past six I slid out from underneath Bella's clinging, sleepy form. I made sure to wipe all emotion from my face as I guiltily stole a kiss from her brow before ducking out of her window and landing on the damp spring earth below.

I tried not to think too much as I ran through the mist about how much each individual, minuscule droplet of moisture caressed my skin the way Bella's scent teased my thoughts. I arrived at my house in a matter of minutes to find Carlisle and Esme in the middle of a deep discussion on the sofa. Carlisle smiled at me sadly and Esme brought her hand to her face before rushing to embrace me.

"Oh Edward," she cried. Then she took a deep breath, dipping her head in acknowledgment of the encouragement Carlisle was nodding at her. Despite their inability to hear thoughts as I did, my vampire parents didn't seem to need words to communicate. "I want you to know I was serious when I told you that we would move if you needed us too."

Carlisle came to stand beside her. "Circumstances have changed," he continued, thinking of the day last year when I struggled with the idea of leaving Forks, "but we know you've had to pick up and pack out for us before, too. We're not upset, and honestly I'm impressed with your dedication to keep Bella safe."

Something inside me constricted, but I just stared at him. The thought of me emotionally broken beyond repair flashed through his mind just quickly enough for me to notice, but I ignored it.

"Where's Alice?" I asked dully.

"Upstairs," Carlisle replied, glancing at the ceiling.

Esme shifted uncomfortably. "She saw that you were coming, and what you're apparently going to speak with her about. She knows you'll find her, but she doesn't feel like making it easy for you… I tried talking to her, but I guess…" Her voice trailed limply off and she turned to Carlisle.

I looked at him, pleading without words to understand. He gave me a sad smile. _It's just like you said, son. It's for the best. We'll work this out._

I heaved a sigh and made my way upstairs. I was greeted by the door flinging open.

"This is absolutely unfair," she said between gritted teeth. "To not even give me a chance to say good-bye, and she's my friend, too!"

"Alice," I sighed, "if you can already tell what I'm going to say then you can also tell I'm not backing down on this. You know I don't want to make this any harder for Bella than it has to be."

She just stared at me, remorseful.

"Besides," I reasoned truthfully, "Jasper needs you. You know it. How could you sacrifice his feelings just to say good-bye to Bella?"

Her eyes narrowed at me. "That's low, Edward. I'm very much aware of how much Jasper needs me right now, thankyouverymuch, but this has nothing to do with him," she said, her voice full of ice. "I don't want to stay 'just to say good-bye to Bella', I'd be staying because I wanted to. I like it here. We all do," she insisted.

She must have seen the pain in my eyes because her next words were softer, more pleading. "Edward, you have to know that as much as we're behind you on this one, it still hurts. And despite your thoughts that this is therapeutic for Jasper too… no, just listen." She saw I had been about to interrupt her and cut me off with a gesture. She took a breath and began again. "I can tell you find some justification in believing that us getting away from here would give Jasper a fresh start, but you KNOW that he only sees this as a failure. Running away isn't a "fresh start" for him, it's just running away from a problem he would have handled just fine in the end. So we're doing this, and we're doing this for you, but you don't have to ask us to like it."

I leaned against the doorpost, suddenly worn out. "Alice, I know that. You know I know that. But Bella deserves more than my selfishness, or yours right now."

Her eyes widened and blazed. I could feel the fury from her thoughts but she could see the logic in mine. She opened her mouth, shut it, and then blinked. She breathed in acceptance and the look in her eyes faded to one of pity as she squeezed my hand.

"Then I'll stay home, Edward, and I will go check on Jasper. Maybe I could convince him to spend some time in Denali. And I'll look on the bright side," she laughed nervously. "It's the end of one more high school early for me!" Her smile was strained but sympathetic. I turned to go change my clothes and get ready for one more day out of the few I had left.

When I pulled into the parking lot Bella hadn't yet arrived, so I parked next to an empty spot and got out to wait for her, leaning against my car. Thousands of tumultuous thoughts churned in my mind, and I almost wished I hadn't asked Alice to stay home so she could see if… if what? I sighed and heard Bella's vehicle rumbling towards the school. She was still three miles away so I took care to make my expression smooth and care-free by the time she arrived.

I walked up to her truck and opened her door for her, noting the anxiety on her face.

"How are you feeling?"

"Perfect," her voice trembled.

My heart was breaking. I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing. At all. All morning. From time to time I would inquire about her arm, the only safe topic, but her answers seemed distractedly dismissive.

By the time lunch rolled around, I was still at a loss for words. My mind was more than active, but my tongue seemed cemented to the roof of my mouth both in fear that I would say something to cause her worry and in desire to not burst out with declarations of my undying love while pleading for her to understand why I needed to do what I needed to do… Ugh, again with my excessive thoughts! I grabbed some pre-packaged oblong food product as I followed her through the lunch line and led the way to our table.

We sat and I unwrapped the package—it turned out to be a granola bar—but found myself merely breaking off pieces off it and pinching them between my fingers. They were ground to dust immediately, almost a reminder of just how easy it would be to do the same to Bella were I to make one small mistake in handling her. She interrupted my dark thoughts as she tentatively asked a question about Alice, and I tried not to blanch while answering her as honestly as possible.

"She is... with Jasper." I couldn't meet her eyes.

"How is he?"

"He left for a bit."

"Really?" she asked, shocked. "Where did he go?"

I considered my words before shrugging casually. "Nowhere in particular." If she knew Emmett and Rosalie had a house near Mount Carrie, she'd no doubt go there once we'd left.

"So Alice is gone, too," she whispered bleakly.

"Yeah, she won't be back for some time. She was attempting to persuade him to travel to Denali."

She swallowed, and her eyes glistened as she clenched her fist. I wished with all my being that I had the ability to read her mind. I didn't want to lie to her, however, so I cowardly stayed on safe ground again.

"Does your arm hurt?" I tried to sound courteous.

"Who gives a flying flip about my arm?" she grumbled.

I did… I cared because I was the reason her arm was hurt in the first place. I cared about her shoulder, her hand, her face, her hair, her legs, her eyes, her lips… I cared because without me, she would stay whole and perfect.

It's possible I should have answered, because no doubt her thoughts were in line with mine when she put her head down on the table. But I didn't say a word. For the rest of the day.

Once the school day ended, I walked her to her car, once again tongue-tied.

"Will you be stopping by tonight, after?"

"After?" I was confused. Perhaps I had taken for granted my nightly visits? Or perhaps she was starting to realize how unhealthy it was for me to be near her… My chest felt clenched until I heard her answer.

"Well, when I took yesterday off I had to switch with Mrs. Newton, so I have to work tonight."

"Ah," I said, nodding in understanding.

"So… you will come by when I'm done though, right?"

So it wasn't a case of her pushing me away. I wanted to be clear, though. "If you'd like me over."

"I _always_ want you," she answered passionately.

For a moment I couldn't speak, but I knew what she meant. I needed to keep myself in check before this got any harder. "Very well," I replied neutrally. I granted myself a chaste kiss against her forehead and strode back to my car, but I didn't allow myself to watch her leave.

I came home to find Rosalie draping a sheet over an empty bookcase. Emmett grasped it, hefted it over his shoulders, and walked out of the nearly empty living room. I entered silently; even my family didn't notice me until the door clicked shut softly.

The echoing living room was stripped of all artwork, books, and electronic equipment. A few bits of furniture remained, covered in sheets and drop cloths. What furniture wasn't covered had been removed, presumably to the basement or attic.

Rosalie turned to me. "I hope you're happy," she said icily. "Everyone else is pretty much miserable. Hopefully you'll know better next time before you find yourself foolishly attracted to a human. It would have been better and saved us so much trouble if you'd have just sucked her blood in the first pl— "

I didn't even think, I just lunged at her. I didn't notice Emmett had come back into the room until I found myself being held back by his viselike arms.

"Rose, go outside," Emmett commanded quietly.

Rosalie snapped her mouth shut and glanced at me. "I didn't mean it like that, Edward, I just meant that you can move on now, and give Bella the chance to do the same."

"Rose," Emmett threatened. "Outside, baby. Now isn't the time."

She sighed and walked out the back door. I had stopped struggling but was still furious. Emmett looked at me piercingly.

_I'm not letting you go until you look at me,_ he thought.

I looked. He released his grip on my shoulders but kept his hands in place.

"She's being honest, you know… She didn't think about how it would sound, but she really didn't mean it like that. Rose just can't stand seeing everyone so mopey 'cause she doesn't understand there's just cause to mope," he said with half-smiling.

I exhaled forcefully and noticed Carlisle was watching us from the top of the stairs. Emmett let me go and stepped back.

"Give her some time to understand how much it hurts you; she'll figure out what to say and how to say it."

"I very much doubt that," I muttered sourly.

Carlisle came down the stairs and Emmett nodded at him before looking back at me. "I'm going to go talk with her. Don't worry. She knows this is difficult for you." And he stepped out.

Carlisle said, "I've already spoken with Jasper... for the time being he's staying at Emmett and Rosalie's house in the eastern part of the state, since they're preparing to return to Africa. Alice has been making arrangements with the Denali coven to see if they'll play hosts for a while until everything… settles down here…"

It seemed like everyone was walking on eggshells around me. But I wasn't going to give in this time. I nodded silently and ignored the look of concern on Carlisle's face. He seemed to accept that I was just not prepared to speak of things just yet. Emmett came walking back in just then. He took one look at us both and broke the heavy silence that had descended.

"Regardless of when we leave, you know Esme's crazy about this house. We were hoping… someday… we might be able to come back, so we're not selling it." His voice took on a reflective tone. "Obviously we would wait until some time had passed; seventy, eighty years, at least. It breaks her heart to think of someone else possibly re-decorating her living room," he said with a wry smile.

I was floored, though, and he saw it.

"Of course we wouldn't even think of coming back if Bella still lived here," he hastily added.

"I'm not coming back," I said flatly, cutting him off. "Ever. Period, Emmett. If you all decide to come back here, that's up to you. But I'm done with this town. It's just—it's not—" I ran a hand through my hair in frustration and decided I couldn't do this, not now. I turned to walk out and stalked to my car. I didn't know where I would go, but I had to leave.

Once I was behind the wheel, I sat staring at the dashboard. I knew I would head towards Bella's house. It was still a good two and a half hours before she would be home, so driving was probably not the best idea. I groaned and walked back into the house.

Emmett was still standing in the living room. His thoughts were surprised, but he looked at me with a question in his eyes

"Wanna hunt?" I asked wearily.

A smile broke across his face. I could always count on Emmett.

Two hours later I parked in Bella's empty driveway and waited until Charlie pulled in. His thoughts were surprised and wary at the same time. I had never been able to pin point exactly why I couldn't hear him as clearly as I could everyone else—barring Bella—but after being around him for so long it was easy to pick out the timbre and the feeling of his mental projections.

"Hey Edward," he offered the words like a gift. "What brings you here? Bella's working; won't be home for another thirty minutes or so."

"I know, I just figured I'd surprise her. Things are kind of hectic at home right now…"

He raised his eyebrows but didn't say anything. "Well, c'mon in and make yourself comfortable."

"Thank you, Chief Swan."

I followed him into the house and sat on an armchair while he removed his jacket and holster. "There's still some leftover pizza I'm gonna heat up. You want a slice?"

"No, thank you, though. I ate before I came," I smiled to myself as I answered.

His thoughts flitted to suspicions of male anorexia as he attempted to surreptitiously look over my frame, but he appeared satisfied with whatever he saw as he didn't bring up food again.

I settled in to stare blindly at the sportscasters on the screen and make occasional small talk with Charlie, but thankfully he lived up to Bella's description of being a man of few words. He seemed content with silence, and other than the occasional comment on a quarterback or shortstop, we didn't speak much. Half an hour later, Bella walked in the door.

"Edward? Dad?" she called.

"In the living room," Charlie called back over the opening credits of SportsCenter.

I was both dreading the evening ahead and relieved she had finally made it home. It had started raining, and I distrusted Bella's archaic truck to navigate the wet roads safely. But I made a point not to seem too alleviated by her presence, and kept my eyes on the television as her exquisite scent filled the room.

"Hello," she said faintly.

"Hey Bells," Charlie rumbled contentedly. "We just heated up some leftover pizza. I think there's some left on the table still." His eyes were glued to the instant replay of a game-winning strike-out.

"Cool," she said, unmoving.

I forced myself to smile politely and looked up at her. "Be right there," I assured her. I didn't let my eyes linger on her face, or the worry and uncertainty in her eyes, and forced my gaze back to the TV.

Bella merely stood speechless in the doorway before slowly shuffling into the kitchen. Even from this distance, I could hear her breaths become shorter and faster, punctuated by an occasional whimper. I almost abandoned my plan then and there, but Charlie punctuated the air with an exclamation.

"Whoa! You see that touchdown? Holy mackerel, that's some quarterback they got this season!"

The outburst kept me from leaping into the kitchen and scooping Bella up into my arms. "Definitely," I replied to Charlie. "He certainly seems to have a good instinct for the game."

He grunted in agreement and was mostly silent for the rest of the program. At one point, Bella flew by in a blur up the stairs, with her camera. I assumed she was putting it away from its previous, high traffic location, but after ten minutes she descended slowly, camera still in hand. I didn't bother looking up; I couldn't bear the look of uncertainty I knew that would be on her face.

A bulb flashed. I turned to her, blank-faced. What did she think she was doing?

Charlie spoke my thoughts aloud in a complaint.

"Aw, come on," she smiled as she settled herself on the floor in front of the couch. "You realize Mom is going to be calling any day to find out if I'm putting my presents to use. I've gotta get started before she gets insulted."

"But why take pictures of me?" he mumbled.

"Because you're so very attractive," she teased. "And, because _you're_ the one who bought this for me, that means _you_ are obligated to be one of my subjects!"

"Obligated, shmobligated," Charlie muttered in protest.

"Edward?" Bella glanced up at me. "Take a shot of my dad and me, together."

She tossed me the camera without meeting my eyes and kneeled down by the arm of the sofa near Charlie's face. He exhaled in resignation.

I brought the camera's viewfinder up to my eye and tried to ignore the microscopic scratches and dust particles on the lens. Bella looked as though she were waiting for an execution.

"Smile, Bella," I cued her. Her mouth came up, lips parted to reveal her perfect teeth, but the expression didn't meet her eyes. I ignored the pain in my chest as I pushed the button.

"How 'bout I get a shot of you two?" Charlie offered. His thoughts seemed tinged with desperation to get the lens on anything but him. It seemed he shared Bella's desire to shy away from any sort of attention.

I stood up and lobbed the camera to Charlie. Bella walked over to stand stiffly beside me and I placed my arm obligingly across her shoulders. She in turn wrapped her arm around my waist and seemed to lock it there, as if unwilling to have even the slightest space between us. I pressed my lips together to force back the rush of emotion that came welling up from somewhere inside of me, and felt her take a deep breath after Charlie reminded her to smile.

"That's enough with the camera for today," Charlie declared. He stuffed the camera in between the couch cushions and promptly lay across it. "You don't need to shoot the whole roll of film at once."

I removed my arm from her shoulder and maneuvered myself out of our semi-embrace, taking my place in the easy-chair once more. Bella stood for moment before returning to sit with her back to the sofa, and she didn't move for the rest of the night.

I didn't know what to say, and I knew anything I could say would make things worse. When the ending credits rolled, I was actually relieved to see how late it had gotten. I stood up to stretch and announced that I should return home. Charlie seemed unaffected as he kept his eyes on the advertisement for a new type of fishing bait.

Bella followed be out into the yard by my car.

"Are you going to stay?" she asked despairingly. She seemed resigned to something, and merely nodded her head when I replied in the negative. I refrained from even kissing her goodbye, forcing myself to just get in the car and drive.

The house was quiet when I stepped in; Rose, Alice, and Esme were packing a few last minute things and Emmett was with Carlisle, going over a the necessary additions and precautions needed to keep the house livable. I passed Carlisle's study on the way upstairs and he glanced up at me in the doorway. Emmett beckoned me inside but I couldn't speak anymore tonight. I charged up the stairs to my room to shut everyone out. I flopped on my couch. I wasn't tired, not physically, but I felt like I had been hit by a locomotive. I pushed play on my stereo remote, not even caring what song came out of the speakers.

_I never knew… I never knew that everything was falling through  
That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue  
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth…_

I jumped up and yanked the cord out of the wall with perhaps a bit too much force than entirely necessary. I ruefully surveyed the shredded cord in my hands and decided that The Fray was both ironically appropriate and at the same time just too much to bear for the moment.

_Oh dear…_ I heard Esme's thoughts turn to me in sadness as she ascended the stairs. She must have heard the abrupt cut off of my music and paused at my door.

"Come in," I called wearily before she could knock.

She pushed the door open softly, and worry seemed etched into her face. She said nothing as she joined me on the sofa, and I put my head in my hands, my elbows on my knees. She placed her arm lightly on my shoulders and just sat with me. She seemed to sense that silence was what I needed, and for that I was grateful. She even kept her mind on mundane things, wondering what Carmen was up to. The "cousin" of Tanya, Irina, and Kate in Denali seemed to share the wholesome goodness that Esme did, and although they weren't very close they were fond of each other. But after a while even the silence became oppressive.

"Am I doing the right thing, Esme?" I asked painfully.

She paused, her thoughts speculative.

"I trust you, Edward," she said finally. "If you honestly love Bella enough to want her to be happy, and you honestly think that you stand in the way of that happiness, then I suppose it makes sense if you look at it in black in white. But what about you? Can you really live without her?"

"I made her a promise, once, that I would stay with her as long as it was best for her. After what happened yesterday, I'm no longer convinced my being with her is the best idea. And you're right, in black and white it all makes so much more sense. So why doesn't it feel easier to just leave?" I groaned.

"Because feelings aren't black and white," she said softly. "Your heart is very—"

"My heart," I scoffed. I winced when I saw her flinch; causing someone like Esme any amount of any kind of pain seemed inexcusable. But I pressed on, explaining. "My heart, my soul…What does any of it matter? I forfeited both when I became what I am. And I can't do that to her, Esme," I rationed with myself. "I refuse to be the one who takes away from any part of the beautiful whole that she is."

"Then I suppose you have your answer," she said gently. I looked at her, past her, to the night sky outside. The sun was just barely coming up and turning the black to grey. I felt like that sky. Like I was in the deepest, darkest place I could possibly be, but to function I needed to be grey, neutral, indifferent. I knew what I had to do.

I just couldn't do it. Not yet, at least. I knew I should but… Selfishness was warring for my sanity; I knew I couldn't discuss my decision with Bella- I just had to leave. And yet everything in me was pleading for just one more day, and one more day after that, and one more day after that… This would never get done!

I talked it over with the two people who were better than any parents I could ever ask for, and they agreed with Rosalie and Emmett to leave the next day. Alice would stay behind with Jasper until she could see with certainty that Bella would be alright after I left.

Carlisle and Esme had decided to relocate to Ithaca, New York. Carlisle was taking up a recent job posting at Cornell and would begin teaching night classes, and Esme had purchased a new house to renovate ten miles north of town for Rosalie and Emmett to reside in. Alice had calmed Jasper down enough to convince him to try his hand at education again, but on a collegiate level; he'd decided to attempt yet another Master's degree. Alice herself was thinking of starting some research on her past based on the information James had revealed last spring. It seemed everyone would move on, settled nicely into their new lives, and I was stuck here in my own self-inflicted hell. I sighed. It was my own fault; I didn't want to leave, but I couldn't stay.

Once at school that day, I stayed as silent as I had the day before. I couldn't think of anything to say to her; I was entirely too focused on working up the courage to say goodbye, not to mention remembering her small, bloody form on my living room floor... My fault, all my fault! Her soul was too precious, too important, to forfeit for my mere self, to say nothing of her body, her life. But I didn't realize how distracted she seemed herself until our English class together.

"Bella?" Mr. Berty was asking a question about the play she had watched mere days ago. "Bella?" he repeated. _"Miss Swan!_"

She snapped to attention stared at Mr. Berty. I murmured, "Do as thou wilt, for I am done with thee."

She paled, then repeated the line in a weak whisper. Mr. Berty nodded and walked off, placated. I flinched as she turned her wide eyes on me, but I could not bring myself to look at her. The cold response of Lady Capulet to her daughter in Shakespeare's greatest tragedy seemed all too fitting for the very words I would force myself to make her believe later.

At lunch, she seemed to sense she would get no response from me and I watched miserably as she tried to be cheerful. Reaching into her bag, she extracted the camera her mother had gotten her and handed it to the Stanley girl. She asked for them to take pictures for her, and almost predictably the battle for camera possession began. Bella seemed making an attempt to converse, and I made no show of attempting to join her.

I barely said goodbye to her once the school day ended. I drove home to my echoing house and found Carlisle getting ready to leave for one last night at the hospital and Rosalie packing. Everyone else in my family would be so occupied, but what would I _do?_ My life, my very existence was tied to Bella Swan. Not to mention that I didn't feel particularly inclined to settle into a new life at the moment; I was in no mood for Esme's pity, Carlisle's instinctively medical mind, or Emmett's teasing, and I was certainly not willing to deal with Rosalie's snide remarks just yet. Jasper's ability to manipulate emotions was usually an unconscious thing; I didn't want to risk him numbing my senses like some human subject to a drug-induced fog, and his quiet intensity was more reminder of Forks than I wanted. And yet Esme was right- if I was truly doing this for Bella's benefit, then I needed to stand by my decision. All of this waiting was just wearing on me. If I was going to leave, I had to leave now before I changed my mind.

The next morning I said my goodbyes to everyone except Alice and Jasper, complete with promises to reunite once I had taken care of my necessary task here. Alice's visions involved nothing more than glimpses of Bella looking shocked and depressed for a while, but I expected that. There was a fleeting vision of Bella's face as she fell… screaming? But the vision was too unclear and Alice was unsure if it was a prediction or a memory of Bella's birthday. I drew a resigned breath. I knew it was time. Jasper looked at me sorrowfully, and I stressed again that I didn't blame him for this situation, or count on him as the deciding factor in my resolution. And so he would leave with Alice the next day to get settled in New York State. I agreed to the other part of Alice's plan— for me to meet her in Mississippi later to begin the search for her true identity. My mind-reading ability would be helpful, and I was thankful for a chance to focus on anything but myself. Carlisle had already begun spreading the word of our family's imminent departure, and Esme had taken care of all the necessary paperwork needed for my and Alice's withdrawal from Forks High. The rest of the family would be gone when I got done with school, and I was glad that once I walked out of this house I would truly be done with it—and all its memories—forever. I could let it haunt someone else.

School was much the same as it had been the last two days. I felt even more remote, but I knew I couldn't extend this any longer. I had made up my mind to go to her house that very afternoon and remove all traces of my existence. I would take everything that could possibly connect her to me, making it easier for her to second-guess my presence in her life to begin with, and therefore move on.

Once we had walked to her truck after the last bell, I gathered my courage and spoke directly to her for the first time in days.

"Would you mind if I stopped by this afternoon?"

She blinked at me before replying. "Not at all."

"Right now?" I asked her, a tad persistently. Now that I had my foot in the proverbial door, I wanted to walk through it before it could shut on my resolve.

"Of course," she said slowly. "I just needed to drop my Mom a letter in the mailbox on the way home. I'll see you there."

It occurred to me suddenly that if I was really going to do this the way I intended, I would need to have a note ready for Charlie. And Bella couldn't be around to witness that. Besides, this would give me the chance I needed to clear her room of anything related to me or my family.

"Let me do it," I suggested. "And I bet I'll still be there before you." I smiled at her slightly, but I could tell it was a poor attempt. Still, she agreed— but the look on her face was one of blank acceptance rather than willing consent.

I raced to her house and didn't even bother going through the front door. I eased the window up from the sill and stood there, in the middle of her room, just staring. _So many memories in this room_, I thought. And then I set myself up on the task at hand. _All the more reason for me to get started now._

I made a methodical sweep of her room, piling up photographs and such with the gifts my family had given her on her bed. When I turned to cast one last glance across over the walls and floor, I spied the scrapbook she'd placed my picture in. I lifted the cover with a shaking hand, and saw the pictures in their spaces. The very first one was of me, with the caption written underneath in her adorable scrawl: _Edward_ _Cullen, Charlie's kitchen, Sept. 13th_. September 13th. The very day my eyes were opened this madness and my plan was set in motion. I didn't look at the rest of the pictures as I removed them from their places.

But once I had everything, I didn't know what to do. It all sat on her bed in a pile- the CD, its case, her travel vouchers, the photos, the stereo box… I cursed myself mentally for not thinking to replace her old stereo but there was no time now. I gathered the things and was headed to the window to go bury them all in the forest when I stopped, frozen by the panic that was rising in my throat like bile. Without thinking, I turn around in a spin entirely too fast for it to be considered movement—I had merely wished to be kneeling on her floor and found myself there, prying up the floorboards. No matter what she did with her life, I would forever remember the impact she had had on mine. I deposited the gifts into my newly-created cache, keeping back only the envelope of her newest photographs, then replaced the floorboards and stood up. It was juvenile of me, but somehow, part of me just _had_ to stay connected with her, even if she disconnected from me.

I could hear her truck groaning up the hill to her street and quickly grabbed a sheet of paper form her desk.

I imitated her handwriting as closely as possible, forming the o's like u's in her hasty way.

_Dad-  
Went walking up the trail with Edward.  
Be back soon, Bella._

I shut her window and ghosted down the stairs to leave the note on the kitchen table. I let the front door close softly behind me and did not grant myself the painful pleasure of one last look at her house.

I climbed into my car and sat in silence. I expected to be fighting the panic I had felt in her room, but I felt strangely calm. Prepared. I took this as a sign that I was indeed doing the right thing, and when she pulled up next to the house I was able to get out of the car and walk to her with no trace of hesitation.

I took her backpack from her and returned it to the truck.

"Come, walk with me," I asked neutrally. I grasped her hand and led her into the edge of the forest near the east end of her yard. I stopped abruptly, debating with myself to go as far into the woods as I'd originally planned. Knowing Bella it was probably a better idea to leave her with the house still in sight.

I leaned against a tree and drank in the sight of her face. Her human, delicate face. A face with no place at my side, now or ever.

"So… let's talk," she said bluntly.

I didn't see any point in drawing things out. With a deep breath of preparation, I let the words fall like a thick drop into a still pool. "We're moving, Bella."

She also inhaled and exhaled deeply, a look of contemplation on her face. She spoke almost as if she wasn't sure why she was asking a question.

"Why now? One more year, and—"

I couldn't let her plead with me now; I'd already decided and things were set too far in motion to stop them.

"It's just the right time, Bella," I explained, giving her the reasons I'd come up with just this morning. "Honestly, how much longer could we stay here? Carlisle is pretending to be thirty-three, but he hardly looks thirty. It would be time for us to begin again soon enough, anyway."

She stared at me, confused. I just stared back without blinking. A wild thought flew absurdly through my mind, that perhaps if I stared at her without blinking long enough it would finally push her over the edge into reason, and she would see me—_really_ see me—and understand that the _thing_ I am was no good for her.

"When… when you say _us_—," she said weakly.

There was no getting around it. I was dreading this but I knew it was just to be expected. "I'm talking about myself and my family." I clipped each word off as succinctly as possible.

She was shaking her head before I had even finished speaking. She licked her lips and blinked rapidly, then looked at me with acceptance. "Fine, I'll go with you."

She'd completely misunderstood! And yet the knowledge that even now she was so dangerously attached to me only fueled my resolve.

"Bella, you can't come with us. Where my family's moving… It wouldn't be good for you."

"What's good for me is being where you are!"

"_I'm_ not good for you, Bella."

"Stop it!" she cried, pleading. "You are the absolute best part of my life!"

The best part of her life was a soulless monster? All the more reason for me to leave! "My world is not for you," I answered her forbiddingly.

"On my birthday, with Jasper—that was _nothing,_ Edward! Absolutely nothing!"

I nodded, "Exactly. It was just what one would expect."

"But…you promised!" her voice broke. I almost expected my heart to break along with it but I felt nothing… nothing other than a sort of hazy numbness. My world had been reduced to two constants- Bella's safety, and my duty to stay away from her to ensure that safety. Everything else was irrelevant.

She spoke faster now, reminding me. "Remember? In Phoenix, you told me you would stay with me—"

"For as long as it was for your good," I finished for her, correcting her.

"_No!_" she shrieked, suddenly angry but still somehow sounding desperate. "This has to do with my _soul_, doesn't it?" The words seemed to erupt from her throat of their own volition and I was taken aback momentarily by her intensity. "Carlisle told me what you felt and it doesn't matter! It doesn't matter, Edward! You can take my soul! I don't even want it if you're not around—it already belongs to you!"

Ah, and therein lay the problem…. If someone such as I had her soul in my hands, wasn't it my obligation to do whatever was necessary—even leave her—to preserve it and keep it safe? I found myself staring at the forest floor, the dry dead leaves with their tiny veins no longer feeding them life… I almost smiled to myself as I realized how poetic I waxing- I was like the winter, choking the life out of my vibrant Bella just with my existence in her life. Any possibility that there had been the slightest trace of a smile fell from my face as I realized the painful truth behind the thoughts. When I finally looked up, I wasn't seeing Bella. I was seeing the leaves, once healthy and growing, now dead and waiting to be broken, tossed underfoot like so much trash.

I looked at Bella with resolution and spoke the biggest lie of my life.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." I tried to speak as clearly and slowly as possible, my eyes never leaving her face, as I watched her take in what I was really saying.

She opened her mouth to reply, closed it, and opened it again before hesitantly saying, "You… don't want me?" The statement turned up at the end, so it was almost a question.

The confusion on her face would have been comical if it were any other subject. As it was, I felt no humor nor did I leak any into my short response.

"No."

I was unwilling to say any more than that. We stared at each other for several moments before she broke the silence.

"Oh." Her voice was oddly hollow. "That... alters the... circumstances."

I brought my gaze to the leaves behind her again. "You know, I will always love you," I found myself saying, and spoke hastily to correct my verbal liberties, "in a way. But the night of your birthday hit me that things needed to change. Mostly because… I'm worn out _pretending_ to be something I'm not… and I'm not human, Bella." I swung my eyes down to meet hers. Surely she could see some small trace of the monster under the skin, couldn't she? Did she have any idea, any concept at all of how very easy it would be for me to end her life with one accidental swing of my arm? I shuddered internally at the thought but I was also angry. "I've carried this charade for much too long, and I apologize for it."

"No," she whispered weakly at me. I could tell understanding was slowly sinking in. "Don't do this…"

But I already had. I had made up my mind, and I wasn't going to pretend that I was doing anything than saving her from myself. Carlisle was a thoughtful man, if not an outright pious one, and it was he who often quoted the verse in the Bible to "flee from temptation." Having Bella Swan in my life was almost as bad as me being in hers… Mishaps like the other night were always on the verge of exploding into disaster. "You aren't good for me, Bella."

She opened her mouth again, closed it again, and I merely waited for her response. When it came, it was barely a croak. "If… that's what you want to do…"

I just nodded, once. At this point it was beyond want. I was doing what I could, all in my power, to make sure Bella would be safe from me and my kind. But oh, how it pained me to know that she believed me so readily! She just accepted, with no real fight or protest... Nothing more could be said, so I readied myself to leave. And yet… the flicker of Alice's vision, Bella's mouth opened in a scream as her face slid down through empty air… It gave me pause to reconsider speaking some more.

"If I could ask for one small request, if you don't mind…"

Her gaze swung up to meet mine and it looked as if all the life had gone out of her face… Her eyes were large, pleading with me silently, and almost seemed to say _Whatever you would possibly ask of me, just name it and it's yours… _And then she poured that look into one word, declared with all the solemnity of a vow. "Anything."

I ignored the pain that was starting to burn in my chest, pushing it down beneath my resolve, and I spoke once more. "Do _not_ do anything careless or foolish. Do you understand me?" I tried to convey the urgent need for her to stay safe into my command, and as she nodded dumbly a stroke of genius inspired my next words. "I'm keeping Charlie in mind, you know. He needs you, so take good care of yourself for his sake."

She nodded at me again, but spoke softly. "I promise."

I loosened my strained posture and felt satisfied. "I promise you something, too," I said. "This will be the last time we ever see each other. I won't be returning. I will not make you endure anything such as this ever again. You'll have the chance to live your life with no more imposition from me." I reflected on the words I'd said to Alice, and spoke them to her now. "It will be as though I never existed." I felt like an actor delivering a well-rehearsed line. I watched her lower lip tremble and suddenly felt compelled to comfort her. "It's alright," I said gently, "you're a human. Human memory is like a filter, and time heals all wounds for you."

"What about your memories?" she said in a strangled, pleading way. She stepped towards me and stopped.

I couldn't lie to her anymore. I couldn't bear it. Everything in me was suddenly rushing, fighting the desire—no, the need!—to snatch her up and carry her away. But there was no use in being unnecessarily harsh, so I glossed my words over after a brief hesitation.

"Oh, I won't ever forget you," I paused. "But my kind… well, we get distracted quite easily." I tried to smile as I stepped back from her. "That's all of it, I guess. We won't be intruding upon you again."

"We?" She barely breathed the question before realization filled her voice. "Alice is gone."

I kept my eyes on her face, shaking my head to confirm her statement. "They've all left. I stayed back so I could tell you good-bye."

"She's not coming back?" Her voice seemed on the verge of hysteria and incredulity.

I clarified. "She wanted to say goodbye too, but I persuaded her that a clean, short separation was a better idea for your sake."

She just stood there, seemingly in shock, but I knew the message of my words had been conveyed.

I could think of nothing left to say but the inevitable.

"Goodbye, Bella."

I felt almost peaceful that I had gone through with my decision. The sharp flares of pain were nearly assuaged by this thought, and what wasn't quenched by that was covered by a blissful sort of numbness as I turned to leave through the trees.

"WAIT!" she cried, and I turned to see she was reaching for me. I sighed internally and forced myself to pin her wrists to the sides of her own body. In an act of utter impulsive whim, I allowed myself to steal one kiss from her furrowed brow; the briefest, slightest brushing of my lips against her skin. With my mouth still on her forehead, I gave her one parting reminder. "Take care of yourself."

And I allowed myself no more.

I left.

I fought the urge to turn back and hide in one of the many trees just to see that she made it safely back into the house, but thankfully I was so far away at this point that I convinced myself turning back was a stupid idea. The forest blurred by me, mercifully quiet, until I stopped in a small clearing and found myself gasping. For the first time since I was a human, the air burned in my lungs from my eight-mile sprint. I cursed myself when I realized I would have to go back anyway, to get my car, and groaned at the thought of passing by her house again. How could I have been so monumentally stupid as to _forget my __car_? But I knew I couldn't very well leave it there, so with an abrupt exhalation at my own stupidity, I turned and raced back to her house. I kept my lungs closed off from her scent so I wouldn't be able to track her in the woods. I assumed she had walked back into the house and was probably upstairs, so I didn't even give it a passing glance as I compacted myself into the Volvo, started the engine, and found myself racing southeast… Away from Forks… Away from bringing death to Bella Swan's doorstep, and letting it follow me towards the Gulf Coast.

**And that's it. He just leaves. I toyed with the idea of letting him only run a few feet before going vertical, hiding in a tree to keep an eye on Bella, but then I thought of the humor there would be if in his emotional state he forgot his own car. So ends the Stephenie Meyer input into this story, at least until the end… from here on out it's all my crazy imagination that decides what insanity Edward Cullen will get himself into. Hang on for the rest of the ride… and would someone hand me one of those Kleenexes?**


	5. Baggage

**Chapter 4: Baggage**

**Stephenie Meyer is the owner of the inspiration behind this story in all its depressing glory. ((is that an oxymoron?))**

**There are no words. Whatever made up the hole in Bella's chest has been compacted, hardened, and shoved into Edward, making him feel deadweight and frozen. How he copes and functions continues to unfold…**

I was in the southwestern corner of Idaho on the I-84 before it even occurred to me I was out of the state of Washington. Once I was in my car, I had simply kept going. Every song I attempted to play—even my traditional relaxation melody of Debussy—reminded me of Bella, so I traveled in silence. It felt as though a lead weight had settled in my chest. Looking back, even through my rear-view mirror, was something I could not afford to do. Flying would have been faster, but I needed the activity of driving to keep my mind occupied- shifting, accelerating, braking, and cruising as needed. I pushed my Volvo's engine to the limit, the speedometer needle climbing past 100, then120… My mind was on reaching Alice and Alice alone. But vehicles aren't vampires, able to replace their sources of nourishment at will. I sighed when my gas light came on and pulled into a small gas station. Alice was waiting for me in Mississippi with a bag full of various sources of identification, extra cash, credit cards, and clothing. As it stood I had only a handful of cash and one credit card, but of course the pump's credit machine was broken.

I sighed again and made my way through the dusk into the tiny convenience store, my eyes taking in the sleepy man behind the counter. I peeled off one of the hundreds from the stack in my wallet, but the man merely eyed it as if it were poisonous.

"Hey man, we can't break that, dude." The man's nametag read "Joey" and my nose registered the lingering traces of marijuana that clung to the man's clothes. He pointed to a small red plastic sign on the counter, the predictable "WE DO NOT BREAK ANYTHING OVER $20's" in peeling white letters.

_Holy hell_, he thought in amazement_. Wonder what this guy's story is, cruising in a ride like that and peeling off hundreds like some movie star…or a dealer… Wonder if he's got a stash he's willing to part with…_

I grimaced, but said persuasively, "Are you sure?"

"Uh…" He stared at me dumbly and thought, _We've prolly got enough in the safe but I'm not about to get raked over the coals by old man Jacobson again after getting busted for rolling on my last shift…_ "Sorry, guy," he lamented.

"Fine," I said shortly. "Just… use the remainder for the next customer."

"Uh… what?"

Was his brain truly fried from all of his cannabis consumption? I tried to sound patient. "I'll fill up my tank now, and just use the difference on the next customer that comes in. Tell them it's a prize for being the fiftieth customer or something."

His eyes widened. "Seriously? I mean… whoa dude."

I gave him a tight smile and replied, "Consider it my attempt at paying it forward."

He nodded, clearly impressed by my generosity, but little else was registering. "Righteous." _After he jets I'm totally gonna use this to score!_

I placed the hundred dollar bill on the counter and leaned over, holding his gaze. "And don't even think about using it to score. This money is to be used for good, and if you don't follow through, I'll know." I parted my lips in a menacing smile and watched his eyes widen in fear.

_What the—? _His brain was sending warning signals that there was something quite inhuman about me. I left the shop and walked out to my car without a backwards glance, convinced he would believe his drug use was making him see things. Thankfully, a black mini-van pulled in just as I was replacing the cap. A harried-looking woman in her mid-thirties was wrestling the seat belt of a car seat in the back, thoughts on making it home in time for dinner. The child was half-asleep and obviously feeling uncooperative, so the woman didn't notice me until I was almost right behind her.

"Excuse me…" I cleared my throat. "I wasn't able to break my large bill to pay for my gasoline, so I left the remainder with the young man behind the counter. Perhaps it would help to fill up your vehicle?"

The woman flew around with her hand pressed to her chest. "Goodness!" she exclaimed, startled. "I guess, I mean… wow, thank you!"

_The young man behind the counter? He doesn't look old enough to call anybody young… But he _does_ look good! Ugh, Mikey, you need a diaper change, buddy…_

"Thanks!" she called out as I chuckled and returned to my car, watching her walk into the shop with her sleepy toddler.

Joey had seen our exchange and his thoughts were remorseful once he realized I had told the woman I'd help pay for her gas. I locked eyes with him and gave him another chilling smile before getting into my car.

Once I was back inside, my eyes fell on the small, thick envelope I'd had with me since this afternoon in the school parking lot. Bella's pictures and a letter to her mother. I briefly toyed with the idea of actually mailing it, but knew it would only end up back with Bella and I had no intention of letting that happen. I had promised her I would erase my presence completely when I left; having these pictures around was only going to make it harder for her to let go. I reached over and hesitated before tearing the envelope open and removing the stack of double prints. I stared at the top picture, me in her kitchen. I studied my face briefly- the Edward in that picture looked nothing like the reflection I saw in the mirror. I shoved the pictures guiltily back into the envelope when I noticed the black mini-van idling behind me. I realized the woman was waiting patiently to pull forward into my spot at the pump to use the remainder of the cash credit for the gasoline.

I tossed the envelope onto the passenger seat and started my engine, pulling forward and onto the access road to resume my trip towards the southeast. Some miles later when I put on the brakes behind an obnoxious rig driver, the pictures slid forward, spilling across the seat and floor in a scattered pile of color lit by the street lamps. My eyes alighted on a half-covered picture in the stack- Bella and I in her living room. I nearly drove off the road at the sight of her face, and the lead that had settled in my chest seemed to grow and fill my limbs, my bones, until I felt was made of metal and unable to move. My chest heaved and I slammed on the brakes, ignoring the protest of horns and rude hand gestures behind and around me. I realized how unsafe it was to be driving like this, pulled over onto the shoulder, and waited for the gasping to subside, my grip tightening around the steering wheel.

With shaking fingers, I lifted the picture from the rest of the pile. Her face… her achingly beautiful face… The traces of sadness and anxiety were there—how had I missed them? Had she any idea of what I had been planning? Even if she did, I argued with myself, any emotional pain she might feel now would not only be better for her than any physical danger I constantly threatened to put her through, but would also wash away in time. I sighed. The heaviness in my body seemed to pulled me to the earth. I yearned to be able to curl into a ball and let it have me, let the rocks, the dirt, the leaves, the whole _world—_ let it cover me and suffocate me. The feeling eventually passed when I remembered Alice waiting for me. I concluded that as agonizing as it would be to sit still for hours on an airplane, it was a good deal safer than me driving. The recent sound of tires squealing as they braked to avoid my car rang in my ears, and the streaks of rubber on the asphalt were indicators of just how close I had been to a collision. It seemed no matter what I did, I was always on the verge of destroying life.

I pulled back onto the interstate with trepidation, looking for signs for the nearest airport. I was just outside of Salt Lake City. I would deposit my car there and—the ring of my cell phone was startling. I glanced at the display screen: Alice. I smiled slightly.

"Yes, you psychic pixie?"

"It's about time! I thought you were never going to get on a plane. Take Continental flight 1512, there are still seats left in first class and if you hurry you can make the 2 a.m. flight. You'll have a ten minute layover in Houston, but you'll be leaving from the same terminal so you'll be able to rush without getting noticed that you're going eighty miles an hour," she teased. "Although when you're flying out of Salt Lake City, the flight attendant will try to hit on you, so just—"

"Alice," I interrupted, "I'm on my way." I snapped the phone shut. I knew she was trying to cheer me up, but I was in no mood for cheering at the moment.

I left my car in long-term parking with no care or thought of its fate. As far as I was concerned, the thing was just another reminder of Forks and I was almost relieved to be rid of it. Once on board the flight, I sat staring out the window. The blue-black velvet of the night sky was punctuated with stars that shone coldly, as if they were bright eyes staring at me in condemnation. I groaned and sank my head into the cushion.

Bella's envelope of pictures was in the small satchel I had with me. In addition to the pictures, it contained some sunglasses I'd picked up at the airport gift shop, nothing else. It was my only carry-on. How fittingly metaphorical that my only baggage should be Bella Swan and her memories, even though they were printed on photo paper. I traced the edges of the folded paper on which she had penned a brief but descriptive note to Renee, but reading it just seemed wrong somehow. Bringing the page to my face, I inhaled her scent. I had thought about leaving the whole envelope and its contents in the glove box of my car, but it pleased me to know I could still carry her with me in some small way. I moaned with the realization once again of just how masochistic I was.

My moan brought the stewardess hurrying up the aisle. The scent of her blood was almost drowned by the amount of perfume she had doused herself with.

_My, my… what a dreamboat!_ The woman was in her early thirties and a small lapel pin revealed her to be Erica, with eight years of service. "Anything I can… do for you, sir? You look rather stressed…" She eyed me up and down and I felt almost violated at the racy fantasies that began to spin out in her mind. I smiled tightly at her.

"No, thank you. I had a slight headache earlier, but it's passing now."

"Oh, you poor thing. You know," she leaned down to whisper conspiratorially, "I'd heard that neck massages were very good natural remedies for easing tension headaches. The flight is mostly empty, and I'm sure the captain wouldn't mind if I helped out one of our paying customers for a minute…" Her voice trailed off suggestively as she imagined stroking one of her crimson fingernails along my jaw line, but I wasn't about to be _her_ paying customer.

"Thank you for your concern, but I'll be alright once I'm on the ground." I looked away and closed my eyes.

"Fine," she said while rolling her eyes. _Oh well. He's probably gay anyway. __No__ man keeps his nails that neat and clean… _And she wandered back down the aisle. Oh Erica, I thought tiredly. If only you knew how much blood is on these hands…

The remainder of my flight passed without incident, other than Erica giving me one last coy glance as I exited the plane. The flight to Biloxi was, mercifully, uninterrupted by anything.

The idea of helping Alice was all I would focus on. _Bella Swan is safe now_, I repeated to myself like a mantra. I had lived before her, but I wasn't so sure I could live after… It didn't matter. Alice needed me and I couldn't disappoint the second-most important female vampire in my existence.

Alice was waiting for me at the gate and for a moment I saw myself through her eyes. I looked almost human- my face appearing haggard and my eyes a dull ocher. She embraced me but didn't say a word concerning anything other than the purpose of my trip.

_Second-most important, huh? What, is Rosalie bribing you? _she teased.

I grinned wearily at her and sighed. "It's Esme and you know it, little vixen." I could already feel myself hardening, connecting with the leaden feeling that was weighing me down, changing me from the inside out.

_I _suppose_ Esme can take first place if you remember to keep me ahead of Rosalie._

This time I smiled indulgently. We made our way through the garage to the Audi RS4 she had garnered through who-knew-what methods. I glanced at her with furrowed brows but she shrugged. _It was the best they had! Anyway it doesn't matter. I couldn't find anything close to a decent sports car down here. The hotel we're staying at is just off the edge of the beach, but there's enough game throughout the state to keep us nourished while we're here. How do you feel about alligator?_ she quirked an eyebrow at me and her mouth curved up with an impish tilt.I looked at her blankly until she bit her lip and looked away. _I'm sorry… I just hate seeing you in this rut!_

"It's fine," I replied. I was shocked at the raw sound in my voice, but Alice thankfully ignored it. "What's the plan?"

_I've already been able to track down three mental hospitals in the area, so that gives me a good place to start…_

That's what I needed. A new start. Alice and I made our way out into the humid Mississippi dawn and set our minds to the task at hand- discovering who she had been, so she could, in some small way, better define who she really was.

[[[[[[[[[[o]]]]]]]]]]

*****I sat at the table on the eighth floor of our hotel, staring out the window at the people in the tepid Gulf Coast evening down below. People laughing, sneaking, kissing, talking, _living! _I told myself for the umpteenth time that this was the reason I left, to give Bella a chance for life. A chance to truly survive with no fear or threat of unnecessary sacrifice. A chance to live without the constant watchfulness of physical boundaries.

"Edward, you're sulking again… I need as much help as I can get, but it's killing me to see you like this! Are you sure this was the right decision?"

I pressed my lips together and tried to shake off my dark thoughts. I refused to answer her question so I merely replied, "I apologize, Alice. Where did you want to start?"

"I don't…" She stopped, worry and sympathy radiating from her expression. She sighed and said in mock-frustration, "You're so focused on being focused that I suppose any attempts to help you deal with Bell—"

"_Don't_," I whispered, pained. The leaden gravity that filled my chest began to burn. I had to—_had to_—forget Bella Swan as best as I could. I would never forget her, as a person, but I had to cut out any and all dreams of having her in my life. I repeated my earlier question, but more firmly. "Where. Did you want. To start?"

Alice shook her head sadly before opening a phone book with a list of names circled in red.

"The Gulfport Regional Medical Center has been around since the nineteen teens, but I keep seeing myself at the facility in D'Iberville," she said thoughtfully. A memory of a vision—walking under the archway with "D'IBERVILLE ASYLUM" etched into the granite—flashed in her mind.

The sun had set four hours before, but Alice and I had spent most of the inconveniently sunny day in the now-familiar seclusion of the De Soto National Forest, nourishing ourselves with a few deer just on the unusual chance we would possibly encounter one of Alice's relatives. Aside from that, our only concern at the moment was weather.

I was on the verge of inquiring about the week's forecast when Alice said absentmindedly, "If we can hold on for a few more days, we should be able to go out in public soon. The cloud cover is thin, but it'll hold long enough for us to get some things taken care of."

The conversation would have undoubtedly kept going were it not for a sudden, all-encompassing vision that began to unravel in Alice's mind. Her thoughts went totally black, and then… was that…Bella?

I jumped up from the table and flew to my sister, my eyes wide open and my breath coming in ragged gasps. Without speaking, Alice turned her eyes onto my face and seemed to fix my gaze upon hers. In that instant, I felt as though the hotel room had faded and I was standing, panicked and furious at the same time, on a damp, dark street. In her mind, Alice could see Bella walking. But the vision was so clearly being relayed to my automatic ability to read minds that _**I**_ could see Bella walking—

_But this was impossible! I was hundreds of miles away, sitting in a hotel room!_

—down the alley in Port Angeles, towards a bar and the unsavory types usually present haunting the doorways of such establishments. So real was the vision, so completely vivid, that I found myself speaking aloud.

"Bella, stop this immediately!"

The vision continued to play out in Alice's mind as she sat frozen on the edge of the bed, still silently staring. It was beyond bizarre! There was the window, the chair I had tipped in my haste to reach Alice, here! On this bed in front of me! And yet I could also see Bella—hesitating—clear as day, as well as her surroundings. The Stanley girl hesitated on the fringes of Alice's sight, and therefore seemed to be slightly behind me as well.

What was Bella thinking!

"Turn around!" I commanded, furious and frightened all at once. "Walk back to Jessica… You swore to me—nothing foolish!"

Yet was I not the foolish one? I was speaking to a girl in a completely different corner of the country! Alice blinked and her eyes seemed to haze.

"Ed… Edward?" she seemed confused. "What—"

And she was ramrod straight again as the room filled with the vision of Bella taking another step forward, towards the lurking figures across the street.

"Bella, turn around," I threatened. The vision began to fade, as they usually did, and I uttered one last desperate plea- "Remember what you promised!" into empty air. And suddenly that's all it was. Empty, still air. Alice blinked rapidly and the distant look in her eyes was gone entirely.

"Edward," she put her hands up cautiously. "What was that? You've never reacted so violently to one of my visions before!"

I was at a complete loss for words. I sank onto the bed next to her and put my head in my hands. I said the first thing that came to mind.

"Was that real? Is she really being so reckless?"

"Edward, I—" It was Alice's turn for speechlessness. She was wracking her brain trying to figure out what was so different, so off about this vision compared to all the others she'd had. She turned her wide eyes to me again and I knew, even without reading her mind, that what she'd just seen was as routine as any vision she had ever had. Again, she struggled for words.

"It's as though you were… in my mind, watching my vision with me. But you've done that before and never had that intense of a reaction… Is it… is it just because it's Bella?"

I almost winced at the name. I hadn't forgotten the freshness of leaving her, even after all these long weeks, but I'd done my best to focus on other things. Now, however, she was front and center in my mind. My chest ached with the feeling of lead I'd experienced so often since the day I had left Forks. I could think of nothing to say, so I repeated my question.

"Was she really being so reckless?" I fumed.

Alice half-shrugged, concern creasing her brow. "My visions are anything but perfect, Edward; you know that. Bella might have thought of walking to that wretched place—though why I have no idea—but I doubt she would actually—"

I cut her off. Thinking of Bella was precisely the thing I'd hoped to avoid on this trip. It tore me open, burned me like acid-fueled flames, ran me over, and swallowed me whole all at once.

"Alice," I growled, "From this point forward you will NOT be searching for Bella's future. You're most likely right in that she really wouldn't do something as… as _stupid_ and reckless as the actions you imagined her doing, but… but…" I ran my hand roughly through my hair in frustration. "Regardless of what you think, I had and still have every intention of letting Bella live her life with no interference from us whatsoever. Is that clear?" The question escaped through gritted teeth.

Alice was at first startled, then irritated. "I can't help it if she pops up like some incessant whack-a-mole through the holes in my psychic consciousness, Edward," she snapped. "I'll do my best to focus on the task at hand, I just ask you to remember I've vested more interest in this than you have AND remember I'm not the one trying to talk to a vision!"

The words were harsh but they were delivered with a tone of something akin to pleading. She was right. Was I going mad? I slowly walked back to the chair I'd knocked over and righted it. I took a deep breath and turned, nodding, to Alice once more.

"I apologize. That was just so…"

"I'm sorry, too," she broke in softly. "Let's not think about it. Moving forward, remember? We have an asylum to track down."

I felt my face slide into its automatic crooked smile. "Moving forward," I agreed. I looked in surprise at the clock and realized it was nearly 7 in the morning. The shining sun was a reminder that we would be stuck in the hotel room unless we were to completely cover our skin, and the idea of walking down the street in a coat, gloves, and scarf was ridiculous to consider even here in the dead of winter; to do so was just begging for unwanted attention. So we continued to prepare for the search for Alice's past.

**Soooo tired… have to be at work in a few hours so I'm off to get some sleep. I have nothing witty to say here haha. Um… review, plz? K thx bai.**


	6. Visions

**As a Christian Stephenie Meyer inherently believes in the value of giving, and therefore gave me (and many others) the Twilight Saga. I'm just paying it forward like Edward to a manic minivan mom. **

**Chapter 5: Visions**

Days passed before the weather was cloudy enough for our escapade. We alternately hunted and researched to pass the time. I endured the occasional shopping trip with Alice, who insisted that this climate called for an entirely new wardrobe.

One morning, the roads toward D'Iberville were passable enough and we made our way through the humid Mississippi dawn towards a place neither of us had heard of. Alice's thoughts avoided anything even remotely related to Bella. After checking in with Jasper, and calling Carlisle to assure him I was still alright, she focused instead on potential scenarios to achieve the desired results of discovering her past. For my part, I stayed silent, willing myself not to reflect on the occurrence of those early morning hours days before.

What had that been? The hazy, almost transparent flash of Bella's face in the street light… My throat constricted. Perhaps she was seeking new attention. I felt almost guilty for warning a Bella-vision not to enter a bar, when, if that was what she truly wanted, she was more than entitled to it. And then I felt silly for feeling almost-guilty about warning a vision. Which made me confused again as to what the vision had been.

I sighed. It seemed no matter how much or how long I rode this train of thought, it would never arrive at a conclusion. I settled into my seat and watched the miles go flying by. Running would have been just as fast, and ten times more therapeutic, but I felt somewhat comforted by the heavy tinting on the windows of Alice's latest car conquest.

When we finally arrived at the secluded asylum, the air was completely still. Thick grass tangled up trellises once meant for roses, as well as choking every crack in the pavement. Unkempt bushes encroached upon the long, single-lane drive. Moss hung from trees in knotted clumps that trailed to the ground like living, swaying stalactites. It was as though nature was taking its rightful place back as the dominant landmark.

An iron gate filled the break in the low stone wall that ran around the property's perimeter. Alice and I got out of the car and approached the rusting gate that would block the entrance of the decrepit building from vagrants and trouble makers. "D'IBERVILLE ASYLUM", the sign read. The letters were etched into the granite arch overhead, just as they had been in Alice's vision. I glanced at her. When the sun began to break through the heavy clouds, I was relieved we were alone. The sun grazing off our skin threw glittering pinpoints of light against the rocks in the wall before it was hidden behind the clouds again, but it would have undoubtedly caused complications. The facility was obviously deserted, and Alice's thoughts were more speculative than anything else.

"What now?" I asked her.

She stared at the building's crumbling façade.

"I knew it would be like this," she said quietly. "I saw that my journey would only start here. We need to find out where they would transfer former patients' records—"

Just as quickly as it had occurred before, Alice went rigid and the landscape disappeared from her vision. Her voice came faintly, and I was filled with panic as she clutched my hand.

"She's… she's on a motorcycle?" Her voice curved upward at the end, framing what she had said into a question. Whatever she was seeing was fuzzy, almost blurry. Odd. Alice's visions were usually crystal clear.

"A what? Who? _Bella_?" I demanded. My mind reeled. I couldn't imagine my fragile Bella on such a hazardous vehicle. Then, a tiny needle of pain stabbed my heart as I remembered she was not my Bella anymore. Nevertheless, I turned my entire focus onto the vision unfolding from Alice's mind. I was sucked into the premonition exactly as I had been earlier.

The sweltering, humid air seemed to conflict with the sight my eyes were taking in. The edges of the forest blurred with images of cliffs, bright sky, and indeed, Bella Swan straddling a shuddering, idling motorcycle.

In almost a repeat of that morning earlier in the week, I was fuming and spoke without any conscious thought. "This is dangerous and juvenile and stupid, Bella!"

Through Alice, I could see her eyes widen, see the vehicle lurch forward, see her slide to the ground and the motorcycle end up nearly on top of her, as if to prove my point, to pin her down under the knowledge what she was doing was recklessly stupid. "I told you," I found myself saying.

Alice continued to stare at me, blinking rapidly, seeing both her vision of Bella on a motorcycle—a _motorcycle_!—and seeing me responding to the vision. The out-of-focus quality of her vision was so unusual it was almost distracting. The sight changed to Bella on the bike again, and again I found myself speaking to a mental apparition.

"Are you trying to commit suicide, then? Is that the reason for this?" I was torn between fury and weakness with the mere sight of her face. She seemed translucent, like a ghost barely hovering in my field of view, able to disappear at any moment. A beautiful ghost. But what was I thinking? "Bella" and "ghost" are two concepts I should not even entertain. I told the vision Bella the only thing I could think of.

"Go back home to your father," I commanded as sternly as I could. Alice was staring at me, open-mouthed, unable to detach from the vision that played out in her mind. She seemed willing to endure it, but amazed and confused by my behavior. The vision shifted, changed to a green blur and I was dangerously close to a temper tantrum of sorts as I realized this to mean she would actually be attempting to not only _travel_ on this death trap on wheels, but to increase her speed!

"No!" I yelled. "Pay attention to what you're doing!" I was pleading with her. Abruptly the quiet Mississippi afternoon flooded my senses.

"Edward!" Alice cried. "Are you alright!"

I had laid one hand on the stone wall, and now I found that my hand had clenched one of the stones into a gritty powder. Dazed, I removed my hand shakily from the wall and sat down hard on the ground. Alice crouched over me and stared into my eyes, alarm evident in her stare.

"It's not real, it's not real," she crooned softly, over and over the way one would to a frightened child awoken by a nightmare.

"I know!" I said in frustration. "I don't understand! I feel as though it's not even a conscious choice, Alice! I simply react without thought- to a vision, to a… a possibility!" I swore and whispered desperately, "What is happening to me?" My eyes searched her face as she stared back in confusion and concentration.

"I don't know," she replied honestly. "Perhaps you're under the impression you could actually reach her? Or maybe it's like you said, you're just reacting without thinking. Like an instinct. We see the ones we love in danger and we just… act. How many stories have you heard of humans pushing someone out of the way of a moving car without thinking that they themselves would get hit? Is it possible you've retained this human automatic response? Even more puzzling, why was this vision so… so hard to see?" Her voice trailed off as her thoughts became more intrinsic.

Questions, questions, questions to my questions. My mind went back to the day I had acted the way I did today, instinctively, when Tyler's van was sliding towards Bella across the icy parking lot… I stood up wearily and made my way back to the car. "I'm sorry," I said tiredly once we were back on the road. "I didn't mean to interrupt our plans for the day, it just…"

"Don't worry about it. I don't understand why my vision wasn't as clear this time," she said in confusion, "but it probably means it isn't going to happen." The statement was said firmly, and mostly for my benefit. She dismissed the memory and brought her quest to the forefront of her mind.

"Anyway, the asylum was closed down; we were finished there. I'll have to hunt down where they would keep records of former patients before I can make my next step," she said. She wasn't trying to be overtly bubble or chirpy; for that I was grateful.

I braced myself for the leaden feeling I knew would soon fill my chest, but preparing for it made it no easier. I felt as though my limbs would sink through the leather seat, through the chassis, through the asphalt and the rocky soil beneath; as though the earth itself would ingest me and leave me to decay. I let my mind dwell jealously once more on the ease of Romeo to consume a tiny vial of plant extracts and just be done with the whole mess of living. How frustrating that my entire system was replete with ample amounts of venom which did nothing to terminate my existence.

My attempt to turn my sour thoughts away from such things was aided by both us arriving at our hotel and Alice's sudden joyful punctuating of the silence.

"Yes!" she exclaimed. "We're going to have some company." She flashed a grin at me and the vision that my family would be making their way to meet us in a few weeks for a weekend vacation appeared in her mind.

I followed her into the elevator after nodding at the receptionist behind the lobby desk. I didn't know what to feel. Obviously I was looking forward to their visit, but I wasn't entirely sure I was ready for the questions they'd undoubtedly ask about me… and Bella… Once we were in the hallway to our suite I tried to voice my opinions.

"Alice," I said thickly, "I don't know if that would be—"

"Calm down, Edward," she said patiently, slipping the keycard into the lock and opening the door for me. "They know you're not in the best place emotionally right now. They won't be rude, they won't be disrespectful… well," she wrinkled her nose, "except maybe Rosalie, but she doesn't count!"

And she skipped off, humming, into her side of the suite to plan outfits to impress Jasper upon his arrival. _I wonder if I should wear the navy blue scoop neck dress, or the chocolate brown silk minidress? I should probably schedule a new shopping trip; nothing I have to wear is good enough! _I rolled my eyes but couldn't repress the amusement my favorite sister evoked in me, then sighed and attempted to put the bizarre occurrences of the past few days behind me. Maybe a visit from my family would be a good thing; a step towards healing, perhaps…

But did I really want to heal? Was I truly willing to move past my life, the very core of my being that was so knitted to that of Bella Swan? Even as I asked myself the questions, I knew I wouldn't. I couldn't. My memory, my heart, my life was like a rock- once struck, the resulting nicks, cracks, and chips were forever carved into me. All I could do was try to stay strong enough to stay away from her. To keep my distance to ensure her safety. Wherever she was, whatever she was doing, even if it was barreling down the interstate on a rickety motorcycle, would be infinitely healthier for her than being within ten feet of me. I swallowed back the lump in my throat and went to go help Alice decide if she liked the blue dress, the brown one, or another shopping trip better.

**Oh Edward, such a good brother. Wonder what's to come in the next chapter? Leave me your guesses in the reviews!**


	7. Catalyst

**A/N- Stephenie Meyer is the creator of the story from which my small attempt at entertainment comes from.**

** Chapter 6: Catalyst**

We were ready and waiting in the lobby when the family arrived several weeks later. Alice flew into Jasper's arms; after a brief but intense embrace they stepped apart, just staring at each other. They seemed to be lost to everyone but each other. Something… the echo of a memory of that feeling… tugged at my heartstrings, and I was suddenly overwhelmed. I looked past Jasper at Rosalie, Emmett, Carlisle, and Esme walking into the room.

Rosalie was immediately taken by her own reflection in the floor-to-ceiling mirrors that lined the room in place of traditional walls. I'd no doubt our hotel was up to our opulent standards, but at the moment it struck me just how unnecessary all the gilt edging and rare artwork was. Everyone else stopped a few feet shy of me, their thoughts curious and uncertain. Carlisle was the first to approach me.

"Hello son," he greeted me quietly with one arm extended. I stared at him briefly before returning his handshake, at which he pulled me into an embrace. I stood there, numb, refusing to acknowledge the tide of emotion that threatened to rush over me. Esme hovered close over us and placed a hand gently across my back. Jasper had broken away from Alice's gaze, and they both stood staring. Emmett seemed at a loss and even Rosalie tore herself away from her reflection when she noticed the odd stillness that had descended on us all. They stared at me, and I was suddenly reminded of Bella's last night in our house. It was abruptly all too overwhelming, and I couldn't fight the all-too-familiar lead feeling that possessed my limbs. I sank to the ground, my face contorted by anguish.

Everyone's eyes widened as Alice flew over to me, Emmett took an involuntary step towards me, and Esme looked alarmed.

_I've never seen him so distraught! _Esme thought. Her eyes sought Carlisle's face as he knelt beside me. Jasper seemed tensed to run toward me, both hands slightly extended as he put every bit of his concentration specifically into calming me down.

I sucked down air in an attempt to ease my burning lungs, but to no avail.

"Easy, Edward," Carlisle soothed. "We're sorry… perhaps this visit wasn't such a good idea…" His voice trailed off as he glanced uneasily around at my family.

My family.

These were the ones who knew me best, and there I was reduced to a hopeless mess in front of them. I struggled intensely for a good minute before composing myself.

"I'm sorry," I gasped. I realized I was still breathing entirely too hard, as if I was subconsciously testing their scents for any lingering traces of Forks. It was foolish of me; they'd been residing in New York for entirely too long for any vestiges of my former home to be associated with them now. I shook my head and again, deliberately attempted to slow my breathing.

"I'm sorry," I tried again, and was relieved at how much more normal my voice sounded. I stood shakily.

Alice stared reproachfully at me before turning her attention to Carlisle. "We should get upstairs," she murmured. The hotel staff was staring at us curiously, and my bizarre behavior was attracting unwanted attention to these oddly pale guests. I nodded and struck out for the stairs, not trusting the awkward silence that would no doubt ensue once my family and I were all crammed into an elevator. I couldn't bear to see the frowns of concern on all their faces.

I flew up the stairs in record time, even for me, and was lying on the bed curled in a ball when the rest of the family trickled in several minutes later.

Esme was fighting the temptation to come wrap her arms around me on my bed, Emmett was shifting uncomfortably, and Rosalie was biting her lip while staring unabashedly at me in worry. Carlisle stood hesitantly in the doorway; Jasper hovered tensely near the foot of the bed, eyes darting between me and the others.

Alice flitted from Jasper's side to the center of the room and cleared her throat. "You should see all the research Edward has helped me do, Carlisle," she said with determined cheerfulness. "Thanks to his help, I've been able to narrow down my search to one final medical facility. We've been waiting for long enough of an overcast day to actually visit the site, but it should be rolling around any day now."

Carlisle gave her a soft smile. "That's wonderful, Alice! Um…" he cleared his throat, "I understand Emmett and Jasper have been itching to take down an alligator, and we're going to need some time to unpack and change before we hunt. Why don't you follow us to our room and we can all leave together to conquer some reptiles?" He smiled warmly at Jasper and Emmett, who flashed each other eager grins. Rosalie rolled her eyes but smiled, and Esme's eyes lit up with laughter before she glanced at me again, and her expression dimmed.

"It might be best for one of us to stay here with Edward," she suggested cautiously.

"I'll be fine," I replied. It seemed the leaden weight I felt was escaping into my voice. But then the thought of being left here, alone with just my memories and the aching heaviness in my chest, was suddenly more than I could bear. "Never mind," I said swiftly, swinging my legs onto the floor. "I'll come with you." I perched on the edge of the bed staring at the geometric patterns in the carpet, and took a deep breath. My family was here. I wasn't going to ruin their visit by being such a depressing deadweight.

"Are you sure?" Emmett asked.

I nodded. "I'm certain. Besides, I couldn't miss watching you wrestle an alligator!" I plastered a smile across my face and the tension in the room tangibly thinned out. Jasper grinned back at me before locking elbows with Alice and shoving Emmett good-naturedly through the door. Alice glanced back at me briefly, worry flickering in her eyes, but I just shook my head mutely at her. Rosalie slid through our crowd to catch up to Emmett, and I stood aside to let Carlisle and Esme pass. I let the door fall shut behind me and determined to enjoy the time I had with my family for now.

After letting the rest of the family change into more comfortable clothing, we let Alice take a moment to plot the best course for our new attempt at cuisine. We set out due west through the night for a small town called Plaquemine just southwest of Baton Rouge. We didn't bother taking the car; there were few people out that evening due to a storm brewing from the Gulf. We raced each other under the stars, and for the first time in months I actually felt as though the lead that had developed in my chest cavity wasn't quite as heavy. It was exhilarating to tease Emmett into a race, goading Alice and Jasper to catch up, daring Rosalie to beat me. Carlisle and Esme were criss-crossing each other's paths, and we all ran just for the sheer fun of running.

We could tell we'd reached the Mississippi River because the firm ground suddenly gave way to marshy grasses. Rosalie swore mentally at the thought of how dirty she would get, but her agitation was short-lived as Alice cautioned us all to be quiet and wade to the south.

We were just barely able to make out the scent of rain on the breeze when we caught another scent, a tougher, brackish scent. Rosalie hopped to a small bit of dry land from the riverbank, while Alice, Emmett, Jasper and I waded into the marshy ground. Suddenly, Alice's head whipped to the left and seconds later a relatively small alligator was breaking through the surface and making a beeline for her. With a graceful leap, she wrapped her arms around the creature and let her teeth slice through the tough hide, muscles, and sinews. The animal struggled, thrashing its tail violently before finally going limp and still. Alice stood up and disgustedly surveyed her now torn and bloody blouse. Jasper raised his eyebrows appreciatively while Esme and Carlisle smiled from the bank they'd stayed on to observe. Emmett growled about little pipsqueaks having unfair advantages, and I chuckled. Being with my family was more therapeutic than I'd expected. Only Rosalie stood off, still mostly dry. Her thoughts were a mixture of fascination and horror.

"What did it taste like?" she asked pressingly.

Alice grimaced. "Not the most pleasant blood in the world…. It's cold, which is…" she struggled to find the right description, "different, and there's almost an oily aftertaste. It's reminiscent of a sort of pork flavor, but not really." She smacked her lips in an unladylike way that was unusual for Alice, but Emmett merely looked encouraged.

"That thing was barely bigger than you," he scoffed. "I want to find a real monster! Something that will put up more of a fight!" He grinned.

Alice stared back at him and gestured to her now ruined outfit. "Any more of a fight and I'd have to get new clothes!"

"Oh, heaven forbid Alice embark on a trip to get more clothes," Carlisle teased. Alice stuck her tongue out at him and we all laughed.

Definitely therapeutic.

Alice looked thoughtful for a minute before saying, "There is another bayou farther north, near Concordia… It's called Bayou Cocodrie, at least, so you know it'd have a bigger selection!" She laughed at Emmett.

Rosalie rolled her eyes at the two of them and leaped across the river gracefully to join Carlisle and Esme on the bank. Her thoughts were streamlined with Esme's in the hopes that alligator wasn't the only option on the menu.

"There're deer, too," Alice went on to reassure Esme and Rosalie.

They sighed in relief and smiled at each other.

"No offense, Emmett," Esme attempted to explain. "I'm sure you'd enjoy this, but so far I'm not impressed with the idea of consuming reptile blood!" She smiled her gentle smile.

We took off for the north and Jasper and Emmett made a wager on who could take down the largest animal. By the time we got there the storm clouds were beginning to pile up higher and faster. We saw the crackle of electricity in the air before we heard it, but soon enough we were being splattered by droplets.

Alice had been right; the alligators up here definitely larger and more difficult to take down. Rosalie and Esme went with Carlisle to hunt some deer to the east, and Emmett, Jasper, Alice and I splashed and thrashed through the swamp like carefree children. By the time Esme, Carlisle, and Rosalie had returned, Emmett had taken down three (all of which were at least six feet long); Jasper and I had conquered two each. Alligator was definitely an experience, but not one I was sure I'd want to repeat. The blood seemed thinner, less nourishing somehow. Carlisle and Esme each got one, but Esme pulled back from her kill after her first long draught from its throat. A look of disgust wrinkled her face and again, we laughed. With the storm bearing down so relentlessly and our carefree antics in the swamp, we'd completely lost track of time and were surprised to find it was close to four in the afternoon. The thick clouds were being blown eastward and made it hard to tell where the sun's position was, so we knew we'd have to be careful on the way back to the hotel.

It was when we decided to head back that Alice was suddenly stopped mid-step and I felt the world slide out of focus. We stood, staring at each other, unheeding of the pelting rain. The next thing I knew, I was seeing Bella's haggard face speaking out in nervous fear to… _Laurent!_

I hissed and the family came to an abrupt stop around us.

"Edward, what's going on?"

"Alice, what do you see?"

Carlisle asked me at the same time Jasper asked Alice about the current situation. I was only vaguely aware of their inquires as I noticed the vision playing out before me, the way the others had twice already.

Laurent stood, scarlet-eyed and smirking at Bella.

"Do they visit often?" He would ask

_Was asking? This was absurd! Laurent had gone to Denali and was no longer preying on humans! What could this vision mean?_

in an attempt to garner information about my family's presence in Forks. My family stood staring as I again spoke on impulse.

"Lie," I whispered desperately.

Carlisle's eyes widened as Jasper took several involuntary steps towards Alice. She simply stood there—stood right before me—in this swamp, in rain that might as well have been bubbles for all I noticed it falling. In Alice's mind, Laurent circled Bella, obviously disregarding her persuasive words that we were still active in the area.

"You'll need to lie better than that, Bella," I pressed.

Rosalie stared at me, then at Alice. "What's going on?" she asked. Jasper hissed her into silence and turned to Carlisle, Emmett, and Esme.

"Whatever she's seeing, Edward's seeing it too," he murmured.

"So what?" Emmett asked, bewildered. "How is this different from any other time Edward's been around when Alice has seen something?"

I was barely aware of this as I watched—through Alice—Laurent continue to question Bella. After a while it became startlingly evident that his intention would be (was?) to kill Bella—to feed from her!

"Threaten him!" I urged, my command laced with dread.

Bella's voice was barely an echo, flickering on the edges of my consciousness. "He's going to know you did this… You won't get away with it!"

"Why not?" Laurent smiled menacingly in the scene my eyes couldn't escape. He reasoned that the scent of the killing would be washed away in the next rainstorm, and I wouldn't think of him as the culprit. She would be just another missing person, and he implied the kill would be nothing personal, merely a product of his overwhelming thirst.

"Plead with him," I implored her. I could think of nothing else. The scene began to dim and the sounds began to fade, but it felt so real—so vivid—I was unconvinced this was simply a premonition anymore. But then the vision blurred so violently, all I could do was give one last impassioned order. "Don't move!"

And I noticed for the first time the pounding rain.

My family stood by, dumbstruck, as Alice shook her head to clear the haze from her mind. She blinked rapidly several times and stared at me.

_I don't know what to tell you, _Edward, she thought. _I don't know what that was. These visions are getting harder and harder to see! _She was getting frustrated.

I understood her irritation. The success of her attempts to discover her past hinged on her foresight, and it did not bode well for us if her visions continued to be so dim and inconclusive.

Emmett was the first to speak through the relentless precipitation. "What just happened?" he asked, bewildered.

The rain wasn't that cold, but the damp heaviness of my clothes clinging to me was uncomfortable. It was bad enough to feel as though I were being weighed down from within; I didn't need any exterior hindrances. "Let's just get back to the hotel. I'll explain when we get there."

I was the first to take off for the east towards and through the center of the storm. Thankfully when we reached our hotel, the street outside was deserted. We were able to stealthily scale the walls to our rooms and ease the windows open without being detected.

Everyone stood dripping onto the carpet and I leaned silently against the wall, my hands shoved into my damp and resistant pockets as I stared brooding at the floor. Carlisle cleared his throat. "I suggest we all get cleaned up and meet back here in thirty minutes. Is that acceptable?" Everyone nodded their approval and the room slowly vacated. I looked up from the digital clock on the bedside table that displayed the time—6:34—in electric red numbers. Sighing, I dragged myself to stand under the steaming shower spray, toweled off, and donned fresh clothes. I found myself sitting on the edge of the bed, my head in my hands, for the second time that day.

In minutes my family trickled back into my suite in ones and twos. Alice arrived first, using the hallway between our rooms and knocking softly before covering the distance between us in three graceful steps to kneel at my feet. Next came Carlisle and Esme, who sat at the small table near the window, followed by Jasper taking his usual stance in the hall's doorway, then Emmett, and lastly Rosalie who joined him in the middle of the room.

I lifted my face to stare at my family. Alice spoke up, looking at Carlisle.

"For… a while now, Edward has been having an unusual reaction to my visions," she began nervously. "It's as though he's seeing them… _with_ me. Not that that's unusual; in fact, he usually can see exactly what I see, and how and when I see it. What's unusual is how…" She struggled for words. "…how _intensely_ he reacts."

"At least when the visions concern Bella," I said in a raw voice, "I find myself speaking to her, as though she's really there!" I ran a hand through my hair in aggravation.

"Just a few days ago, he was so convinced he was actually talking with Bella that he ended up yelling into the empty room. And I don't know if what I'm seeing is really happening or just possibilities of Bella's life back in Forks. Not to mention, my visions have been harder and harder to see lately," Alice said with frustration.

"We've already discussed the concept that perhaps it's a remnant of my human reaction to move those I care about out of harm's way," I continued. "It happened with Tyler's van… you remember."

Carlisle stared at me gravely while Esme repeatedly stroked his hand. He shifted his gaze to Alice.

"It would seem your visions are prompting Edward to react with the automatic responses of a human," he said. He briefly wondered if Alice had tried to stop focusing on Bella.

I shook my head in negation as I addressed the thought aloud. "I've already asked her—no, told her—not to search for Bella's future. But these visions come up so suddenly, and then disappear just as suddenly, it's hard to prepare for them!"

"Perhaps you're still trying to protect Bella," Jasper reasoned.

Esme agreed. "Regardless of what you think you're doing for her, I doubt this has been easy for you as you expected it to be. I think you might be trying to reach for her, to protect her still despite the difference in location."

"It's obvious that just because we're gone, it doesn't mean Bella's not going to attract some kind of trouble or another," Emmett said with a half-smile.

"But you can't always protect her, Edward," Rosalie said matter-of-factly. "There are always going to be others like Laurent and Victoria out there."

Time stopped.

Oh God. How could I have been so infernally short sighted? Why had it never occurred to me before? VICTORIA WAS STILL OUT THERE.

Thoughts of visions, thoughts of rainstorms, thoughts of anything else flew out of my mind as I hissed and began throwing things into my satchel—wallet, ID, extra cash, clothes, passport…. The others stared at me mutely for a moment before erupting at once.

"What?" Rosalie asked.

"Ed, man, you're scaring me… What's the deal?" Emmett inquired.

"Edward," Carlisle asked, puzzled. "What is going on?"

"Are you alright?" Esme exclaimed.

"What's making you feel so… driven?" Jasper wondered, baffled.

Alice answered her mate's question in a dead-pan voice, her face shaped by pure horror.

"Victoria."

The name fell into the room from Alice's lips like a bowling ball, rolling around in their minds until everyone reacted at once. Then their thoughts were bedlam!

Alice's mind stayed stuck in "horrified" mode while Esme and Carlisle's first thoughts were ones of initial panic and then planning.

_Oh, no! Bella would be defenseless against a monster like Victoria!_

_I can take a leave of absence; I'll cite a family emergency, I'm sure the university will understand…_

Emmett's mind was nothing but one large, loud, four-letter word.

Rosalie's mental sentiments were confused. _What does he think he's going to do?_

Jasper took a deep breath and was visibly trembling as he fought to calm everyone down.

I looked at each of my family members in turn.

"This is something I have to do alone," I said with determination. "I'm not going to let you uproot your lives again for my sake."

"Edward!" Esme chided me, shocked. "You can't take on Victoria by yourself."

I grinned at my Mother and lied through my teeth. "I won't fight her alone, I just have to find her alone. I promise once I find her I'll let you know and we can work together to destroy her. But tracking her is my task and mine alone." I knew I wouldn't be able to make them understand, so I merely rushed to embrace Esme, then Carlisle.

"So, what? You're leaving now?" Rosalie stared at me as if I were insane.

"I have to do this!" I said swiftly.

I had shaken hands with Jasper and was about to move to Emmett when his huge hands gripped my shoulders.

"Uh-uh, no way," he declared. "You can't do this, Edward! Even if you do find her and get her isolated, there's no telling how long you'd have to hold her for til we were able to come help you. Either we go with you or you don't go."

I hissed in frustration. I didn't have time for this! Rosalie of all people, though, came to my rescue.

"Emmett!" she wailed. "When has Edward ever lied to you about something this important? We were planning on taking a tour through Europe! If he wants to go off half-cocked for Bella Swan _again_, don't you think at this point there's nothing you can do to convince him otherwise?"

The rest of my family weighed her words silently, taking in more than their face value and seeing through the words themselves. They all knew I would never intentionally jeopardize myself except when it came to Bella, but they also sensed I would not be backing down on this. For once I was beyond glad for Rosalie's selfishness.

"She's right, Em," I persuaded him. "I told you, I'm not going to upset your lives with this. When I find her, you'll be the first to know," I promised. I made my way to hug goodbye to Alice, who was still standing in shock, searching for any possibilities of Victoria's location.

"I'm sorry I couldn't help you anymore," I said honestly.

She seemed to stare through me and then brought her eyes sharply up to my face. "He's right, Emmett," she said, her eyes never leaving mine. "He needs to do this alone. We'd just get in the way at the moment."

Her mind projected a horrific sight into mine- Emmett's assistance to me would be compromised by Rosalie being harmed by Victoria in an attempt to distract us, should they accompany me. I was so thankful for Alice that it hurt to know I couldn't help her, but I wasn't going to let Victoria wander freely through the world as long as Bella was alive.

A stray thought pierced me like a bullet—what if it was too late? What if she was already dead? But no…. something in me, somewhere, told me I would know if Bella was dead.

"Where will you start?" Emmett asked me in the same instant everyone's mind focused on the one place I knew Victoria had definitely been before….

Forks.

I had sworn to myself I would never go back, but with Victoria out there potentially stalking Bella I had no choice. I wouldn't talk to Bella; I wouldn't even look for her. My sole purpose, my very reason for surviving anymore, became about protecting Bella. I knew interacting with her would be beyond detrimental to her protection, because Victoria would undoubtedly follow me if she were to be made aware of my return to Forks. That left one option- find her before she found me. I'd make my way to the airport to book a flight to Salt Lake City. There I'd pick up my car (assuming it was still there) because I knew I'd need it for ease of moment once I returned to Forks.

I took a deep breath and nodded. "I have to do this," I said again.

Alice grabbed my hand and spoke passionately, "Stay in Forks only long enough to keep her scent, and then head towards Seattle. After that I can't see anything."

"Thank you," I said regretfully.

I gave my family one last look goodbye and rushed out the door.

**Annnnnd he's off! The hunt begins for Victoria, but Edward's about to get more than he bargained for. Please review! Readers without reviews are like alligator blood- they're nice but not that nourishing. (=**


	8. Determination

**Sorry this took so long to get to you guys… as most of you know at this point, when I went to the doctor I got flu tested and found out I have the Swine Flu. Thanks for being patient until I could get this written and posted. This is my seventh day being sick, and while I'm not feeling 100% better I am feeling okay enough to write. As you noticed I was able to change my PenName to THEsnapcracklepop, since just "snapcracklepop" and a billion variations of it were already taken. (=**

**Thanks so much to everyone who's reviewed this story; it encourages me more than you know! I guess I can stop my talking (typing?) now and let you guys get on with the reason you're here! **

**Chapter 7: Determination**

I made my way under the dim yellow lights of the parking garage towards my car. An almost embarrassing sense of relief flooded my body when I heard the chirp it made from me deactivating the alarm. I tossed my bag into the passenger seat and twisted the keys in the ignition, revving the engine to ensure the battery hadn't died from sitting inactive for so long. Before I could move the gearshift into reverse, however, I found myself leaning my head against the steering wheel. The air, though stale, still carried surprising hints of Bella with every breath. I closed my eyes and felt myself go limp.

What had I been thinking, going off to traipse about on the Gulf Coast while Victoria was still out there, driven in her unjust attempt to slaughter Bella? Despite Alice's claim that her visions were probably not factual, I doubt I would have reacted as strongly if they weren't at least partly true. Perhaps not truth in the literal sense of the word, but possibilities of truth. I wouldn't accept that Laurent was actually in Forks because the alternative was too horrific to imagine. I also took into consideration that the vision had been too blurry and had ended too abruptly. At this point, I was convinced Alice's vision of Laurent was symbolic for a reunion with Victoria and the united resolve to torture Bella. The fuel for that fire was no doubt sparked by solely by Victoria, possibly in an attempt to find me and unleash vengeance for James' death.

After briefly scanning their minds last spring, it was obvious that Victoria's devotion to James was much more concentrated than his need for her and her rather useful gifts of escapism. He relied on her for knowing when the odds were too unfavorable to win, but I had never considered her ties to him until now. Laurent, on the other hand, had always been a follower, subject to anyone with a greater show of authority than he. He had covered it well by acting as spokesperson for their coven, but the insecurities and uncertainties he felt were one of the primary reasons he had headed straight for Denali once the whole mess was set in motion. He needed someone to lead him, and Carlisle's suggestion that he flee to Alaska had been so gratefully received not only because it provided him with an end to James' sick sadistic games, but also simply because Carlisle had given him something to _do._

I exhaled sharply, threw the car into reverse, and shot out of the parking garage going fifty. Once on the open highway I debated with the thought of opening the windows, letting the cool early morning air wash through the car's interior and erasing all traces of Bella's scent. In the end I just couldn't bring myself to push the button that lowered the windows, and I didn't know if it was due to the fact that I didn't want to let it go or because I felt I deserved to suffer, with her scent ravaging, burning through my lungs once again. I couldn't rest without knowing Victoria had been destroyed. I would track her out of my obligation to Bella, considering it was my fault Victoria was even aware of Bella's existence.

The miles flew by while I contemplated just what I would do when I got to Forks. I had to bury the terror I felt at a life without Bella, ignoring her to save her. I would scout out places I knew Victoria had been, stay long enough to fill my mind with her scent, and follow it to her destruction. I fought the sense of strangulation that crept up my chest, constricting my heart and lungs with the pain of knowing how close I would be to Bella without actually being able to touch her, smell her… see her…

Perhaps it wouldn't be such a bad thing to get a visual check—just for my own peace of mind and satisfaction. It made sense, didn't it? How could I be thoroughly convinced of Bella's safety without seeing it for myself? I wouldn't let her see me; I would only stay long enough to ensure she was doing well…

A sharp series of electric notes ripped through the silence and startled me. I extracted the phone from my pocket, and my brows furrowed, puzzled, as I recognized Alice's number.

"Hello?" I asked, confusion evident in my voice.

"NO, Edward! You can_not_ go to Forks!" Alice yelled at me.

I was taken aback, and slightly insulted. "Alice, I have to go through with this! And what sense does it make for me to go so far and not at least see how she's—"

"She's not _in_ Forks anymore, Edward," Alice informed me. She must have sensed my confusion because she continued with, "Victoria. She's not even in Washington. I had a vision… a thought? Something. If you're really going to do this, you'll need to start in Colorado."

"What do you mean by _something_?" Alice's visions were usually much, much more reliable than they had been lately, but the thought was pushed from my mind as I took in the meaning of her words. "Wait, Colorado? Are you certain?"

The idea was at once so abrupt and so absurd it took a while to grasp. The hope I didn't realize I'd been harboring fell away once I understood that I was headed in the complete opposite direction of my goal. I was literally torn between achieving Victoria's end and continuing the journey to Forks, which meant getting the chance to see Bella again. Just to see her…

"You can't go back, Edward. It won't stop at just seeing her," Alice chimed softly. It was as if she was picking my intentions out of my head, and for once I felt stuck at the receiving end of my gift. I wondered in irritation how she could be so sure of my actions, so certain that I wouldn't just be able to watch Bella from a distance, and at the same time how she could be so _uncertain_ of Bella's circumstances. But her instructions weren't harsh; like me, Alice had gotten entirely used to the idea that living as a Cullen meant that when you moved away from a place, you moved away from it permanently. At least until anyone who could possibly remember you was either senile or dead. Again, it wasn't harsh—merely the way of things.

"Edward?" Alice asked. Her voice brought my focus back to the task at hand.

I took a deep breath and swallowed back the hope in an attempt to sound level-headed. "Where in Colorado?"

"Remember, if you really want to go through with this—" Alice began cautiously.

"It's not about what I want, Alice!" I seethed viciously. "I _have_ to do this! Any minute now, while we're wasting time, Victoria could be making her way to Laurent to ask for his help to—"

"Who's wasting time, Edward?" she exclaimed, indignant. "I'm _trying _to help you. But you keep struggling with the reason for your decision to go back and I just want to understand what you're really after here! Bella or Victoria?"

Her words stunned me and I stared out the windshield. I hadn't even realized I had pulled over. I glanced at the mostly empty highway around me; I was 40 miles from the state line of the northeast corner of Nevada. "Victoria first. You're right," I nodded, suddenly ashamed. "I'm so sorry, Alice, I just thought if I could see her one more time, make sure she's alright… Your visions concerning Bella of late haven't been helpful…" I hated reminding her but she took it in stride.

"I thought you didn't want me searching for Bella's future anyway," she retorted, hurt. "Unless you'd like me to add that to my "to-do" list?"

"I don't," I replied remorsefully. "I'm sorry, I..." I ran a hand through my hair and sighed. "How are things going, by the way?"

"Well now that we can have a polite conversation I'd say things were on an upward swing," she remarked, but I could hear relief sparkling through the sarcasm in her voice. "Carlisle and the others have left, but he asked me to tell you to check in every once in a while. I told him you'd try your best, all things considered."

"All things considered," I mused. With a longing glance towards the northwest, I swung the car around back towards the airport. Alice exhaled a satisfied breath on the other end.

"Now that you've actually turned around, all I can tell you is to start near the southwest corner of the state. My vision had you driving past a sign for Pagosa Springs, but I don't know if it means anything," she said apologetically.

"Thanks anyway, Alice," I sighed wearily, and like an ungrateful adolescent I snapped the phone shut. I knew it was juvenile of me, but I wasn't sure I could stay on the phone with her much longer before beginning to plead with her to check for Bella's situation after all. As I sped back towards the airport, I glanced at my odometer. I hated the thought of running my Volvo ragged almost as much as I despaired at how much faster I _could_ be going. I decided I would leave the Volvo at the airport for good this time, and leave everything locked in it. I couldn't keep the baggage with me, literal or metaphorical, if I wanted to be free to track Victoria.

Another three hours later and I was in the air, watching the first stars come into the eastern sky as the plane took off towards Colorado Springs. I'd stopped at an internet café while waiting in the airport for my flight to leave, and looked up "Pagosa Springs" just to see if anything relevant came up. Nothing had, but I trusted Alice implicitly. The small town lay roughly 160 miles southwest of Colorado Springs, but by car it would be almost an extra hundred miles. I made up my mind to find a suitable car once I touched down.

After arriving in Colorado Springs, I realized I would need an update on current events if I was to begin my search. The woman at the newsstand kiosk noted my nearly-black eyes with fascination and horror, so I paid hastily and made a mental note to hunt later, as well.

Once I zipped through the terminal, luck, it seemed, was finally smiling on me, in the form of a sudden snow fall. Snow clouds almost guaranteed freedom of movement, and I had a new purpose, a new drive now. I sat at a bench outside the Drop Off for Departing Flights to scan the newspaper. Sure enough, in the "Local" section, an unsolved murder case was printed in a tiny letters near the center, directly under a small paragraph announcing a missing person's case. The details of both cases were few; apparently Victoria's habits of preying on vagrants and outcasts had endured since last I was able to take a cursory glance at her culinary preferences. Flipping to the advertisements, I quickly located a luxury car dealership and used my cell phone to make all the necessary arrangements to purchase a new car.

I picked up a Supercharged Jaguar XJL around 11:30. Supercharged, not turbocharged, so there would be no turbo lag. I hardly paid attention to the stunned salespeople. They were used to their clientele being somewhat better dressed than khakis and a simple cotton sweater, if not older, but clothes were not high on my list of priorities at the moment. Speed and power, on the other hand, were. The car was an indulgence I granted myself simply because speed and power were attributes I would need on my side while negotiating these mountains as well as tracking Victoria.

I refused to even entertain the idea of returning to Forks even as I realized searching for Victoria was only partly done for Bella's benefit, because the sting of revenge could just as easily lead her in an attempt to harm myself or my family. There was nearly nothing she could do to us physically, but I'd rather spare my family the grief of her attempt. I'd put them through enough without having to add another murder to their collective consciousness, even if we were only killing off a red-haired witch like Victoria. This was my fight; therefore eliminating her was my task.

Barely an hour had passed and I found myself changing from the southbound lanes of the I-25 towards the junction with Highway 160 West. My foot was itching to test the full capabilities of the car. There was no way anyone would catch me out here, and I decided to throw caution to the wind. Slamming my foot onto the gas pedal, I shot forward in a rush of pure recklessness. My mind seized on the word "reckless", and a deep ache welled up unexpectedly as I imagined Bella shaking her head at my need for speed. I was being ridiculous, but I didn't slow down.

Upon arriving in Pagosa Springs, I realized how difficult it would be to blend in. The abundance of thick snow clouds in Colorado Springs was neither as abundant nor as thick here. I stopped my car at a small information office designed to look like a miniature log cabin, timing my entrance of the building with just enough cloud cover. For Victoria to be hunting here seemed ostentatious; it was almost as if she were challenging the typical limits of vampiric existence.

The free brochure I garnered informed me that my suspicions were correct- Pagosa Springs boasted 300 plus days of sunshine a year. I ignored the whispers and stares at my car as I climbed back in, picking through people's minds at random for any information I would need concerning Victoria.

_Holy smokes, must be in town for some kind of car show… _The large, balding man with the red hat was ogling my hood ornament.

_Ooh la la, wonder if he's planning to stay for a while…_ The leggy brunette was ogling me.

_Stupid hooligans… Who gives a rat's tail if one's missing? What's one less rowdy teenage kid?_ _He'll probably show up in a coupla days, reeking of liquor…_

My brain honed in on a grizzly old man who was stapling "Have You Seen This Boy?" flyers to telephone poles. His uniform revealed he was some sort of official, although the tan pants and shirt ensemble didn't appear to be any sort of law enforcement officer. I pulled up to the curb just as he was shuffling off toward the next lamp post down the street.

"Excuse me, sir," I began politely.

"What's that?" he turned to me and stared with surprisingly piercing blue eyes_. Ah, another youngster driving Daddy's Money, it seems… _"What can I do fer ya, sonny?"

The sudden scent of the man was almost overwhelming… venom welled in my mouth as I concentrated on his words and making appropriate responses. Tackling the man and draining him dry was certainly not appropriate, and reminded me yet again how long it had been since I had fed. I cleared my burning throat and spoke up.

"I was just wondering… That young man your fliers are describing- how long has he been missing?"

The man's eyes leveled mine as he mulled over my words. _Now why would a kid like this wanna know where Joey Osmond went? And what's with those contact lenses? Makes it look like he's naught but black rocks for eyes._ "Eh," said the man, leaning back a bit to scratch his head, "Young man? You look a little young yourself, if ya don't mind me sayin'. Joey here's been missing going on three days. I'm inclined to think he got all kinds of intoxicated at some party and just hasn't thought to call his mother yet. Wouldn't be the first time, no sir, not by a long shot, but ever since they found that little girl's body no one's takin' any chances."

"Body?" I let the horror seep into my voice. All thoughts of consuming this man, or anything for that matter, left my mind. Circumstances like these practically screamed "vampire."

"Yup. Little bit of a thing, no one knows where she came from or who she is. Or was, rather. But I don't know what's got folks so riled up over one of our usual trouble makers when he's only been gone three days. He's been gone for weeks before!"

Three days. My mind wandered…. There was a possibility Victoria had been here and gone already, and I felt conflicted between staying to hunt and continuing on. I didn't miss the elderly gentleman's words, though.

"Where was she found?" I asked urgently.

The man stared at me with pursed lips. "Who, the girl? Why?" _Wonder what he's on about. Could be one of those government types, I suppose they run in all shapes and sizes. What if it's some serial killer loose in our town! Although if he was government he'd know well enough the body was found in San Juan National Forest…_

I smiled at him in an attempt to be disarming. "I was just curious. My family and I were in town over the weekend, and I don't want my little sister and brother in an area that could potentially be dangerous," I lied smoothly. "No worries, though, we're planning on staying overnight in Fort Garland anyway," I said, offhandedly naming a town in the opposite direction.

The man hooked his thumbs in his belt loops and grunted. His thoughts were indignant with pride for his hometown, and he was offended at the thought of the murder having a negative effect on the thriving tourist industry. "P'gosa Springs is 'bout one of the safest places on God's green earth. Long as you stay out of the leopards' way out in the San Juan, of course," he chuckled. _I doubt a tenderfoot like him would wanna get within ten feet of a leopard in the San Juan National Forest!_ He thought as he looked over my well-groomed appearance.

The rest of his thoughts rambled on and I thanked him, sliding my window up and pulling the car back onto the main thoroughfare of town. Thoughts of leopards made up my mind- to hunt before I lost too much strength.

Heading farther west into the San Juan Mountains, I found a secluded grassy area beyond the tree line that bordered the road. I waited until nearly sunset before I left the vehicle, because it was bad enough to be hunting in an area with this much recreational activity going on outdoors as it was. Doing so in broad daylight would have been almost asking to be seen. After a few hours had passed I gave myself entirely over to my senses, immediately catching the scent of several elk grazing perhaps three miles to the northwest and set out to take a few down. They weren't up to par with leopards, but at this point I need to take what I could get.

After feeding enough to feel refreshed, I decided to swing around in an arc around the mountain, just to see if I could find anything. Nothing caught my senses right away, and it wasn't until I was on the last quarter mile of the return journey towards my car that the sound of raucous laughter reached my ears.

Sitting on a log at a makeshift campsite and I saw a young man of perhaps eighteen or nineteen bring a bottle in a paper bag up to his lips and sloshing back down to the ground. Two other youths were seated at the small campfire and were making the laughter I had heard, in response to some coarse jest the boy on the log had made. After peering through the dusk at his disheveled appearance, I recognized him to be the boy from the flier in town.

"Joey Osmond?" I called.

He fell over backwards, startled, as his two companions shuffled drunkenly towards him. Joey collected his wits enough to stand and strain his eyes towards the sound of my voice in the darkness. I realized calling to him like an owl in the woods would do me no good, so I stepped forward until the firelight caught the edges of my profile.

"Are you Joey Osmond?" I repeated.

"Who wants to know?" he slurred suspiciously.

"The entire town of Pagosa Springs, for one," I retorted. "Apparently you've been missing for three days."

He looked at his friends in a stupor before swinging his eyes back to mine. He squinted at me, then looked down one of the other boys. "Matt, what day is it?"

"Wednesday," I said shortly.

"Wednesday?" he exclaimed thickly.

"No way!" one of the other young men scoffed.

The third boy looked to be completely, soddenly drunk and was barely aware of the conversation.

"Wednesday," I repeated briskly. "And you might want to call your mother. I just came from town and they were putting up posters with your name and picture. It seems they're worried because of a young girl's body that was found in your area recently."

His eyes widened as he studied me in the firelight. He decided I didn't look like a killer nor act like one, but in all fairness he had no idea who he was really talking to…

"I guess… I sh'go home then, huh?" he slurred.

"You certainly couldn't drive in your condition, and I doubt your friends are in much better shape," I said, gesturing to his two companions.

"Oh yeah," the one named Matt bubbled gleefully.

Clearly in no position to drive, the lot of them. "Here," I said impatiently, tossing my small silver cell phone at them. "Would one of you please call one of your mothers and let her know you're on your way home? I'll give you a ride back to town myself."

Eventually, after deciding I was safe enough to trust after all, and arguing over whose mother they would actually call, I found myself on the phone with Mrs. Osmond, asking for her address and letting her know I'd be dropping her boys off within the hour. She wept and repeatedly asked me to allow her to pay me, which I ardently refused. Sometime later I retrieved the car, herded them to it, and prayed as I drove back towards Pagosa Springs that they wouldn't vomit on my new interior.

Once at the door of the Osmond home, I pulled on a pair of tan leather driving gloves and spoke briefly with Mr. Osmond before departing.

"Thanks for finding our boys, Mr.—?" he trailed off, blocking the doorway from a hyperactive cocker spaniel.

"Ransom. Anthony Ransom." I replied, reciting the name on my false driver's license and taking the hand he offered.

"Yes, well thanks again Mr. Ransom. Funny thing, this town sees plenty of tourists but for some reason you and that red-headed broad, er, lady... Girls, Get to sleep!" He turned to holler up the stairway to his two other children. "Sorry about that… you know kids. Anyway, it just seems to stand out in my memory," he stared at me quizzically, his brain only slightly registering just how pale my skin really was in the starlight.

I tensed. "Red hair?" I tried to make my voice sound casual. "Was she about five-eight, pale skin like mine?"

"Uh, yeah… I'd say she was about five-eight, yeah," he nodded. "You know her?"

I smiled tightly. "She's my… cousin. We were traveling together but she and my uncle decided to go ahead so we could stay behind with my younger brother and sister. When did she last come through here?"

"Just a coupla days ago. She just stopped long enough to get gas and was out of here," he replied, puzzled at my intensity.

"Yes, well, when you travel in two parties, one with children…" I let my voice trail off as I shrugged and smiled disarmingly.

He nodded, understanding. "I know how that goes," he snorted.

"Well, have a good evening," I said, making my way back down the porch steps.

"You too!" he called as he closed the door.

His words had confirmed my suspicions that Victoria was indeed on the move. Now it was even more crucial for me to find the murder site so as to catch her scent while it was still fresh. The engine roared as I disappeared into the frosty night.

**Phew that was exhausting! I promise the next chapter won't take as long to update. Please review! (=**


	9. Traces

**Chapter 8: Traces**

**It just occurred to me that I should be on Chapter 10 or 11… don't know how but I guess I missed some filler chapters somewhere in relation to Chapters 6 & 7 of the book. Oh well! *shrug* I blame the Pig Plague. **

**HUGE thanks go out to my reviewers- I love you more than you possibly know! And to my fiancé for taking such amazingly good care of me. I'm still recovering but officially not "sick" anymore! (=**

**Stephenie Meyer OWNS Twilight! No seriously, she really owns it! d= **

Chapter 8: Traces

The air was eerily silent as I crunched through the undergrowth. Being such a rural area, the stars were almost blindingly brilliant, like small diamonds studded throughout the pre-dawn velvet sky. The air was frosty but mostly still, and this was both good and bad. Such little wind meant that if on the odd chance she was in the area, she wouldn't smell me coming. It also meant I wouldn't be able to smell her either. I would have to tread quite, quite carefully.

After taking off to the west, I had found my way to the base plains along the peaks of the San Juan Mountains. Nuances of blood, thick and feline, carried in the air; I could sense the leopards that the older gentleman had thought of were nearby. The prey I sought, however, had little to do with nourishment.

I made my way to a small clearing and surveyed the layout. Several small saplings had been uprooted and overturned, but other than that there was very little to indicate a living being had ever walked across these grasses. Tattered yellow shreds fluttered in the slight breeze, remnants of the "CAUTION- POLICE CRIME SCENE" tape that had been used to secure the area. Despite faint traces of Victoria's scent that were undeniably present, the salty metallic scent of human blood was nowhere in the atmosphere of the officers who had been here previously. I was both relieved and disappointed. Whatever evidence I could have hoped to find here was either long gone or too well-covered at this point. I was both frustrated and appalled that Victoria would choose to feed upon a small child. Although it wasn't written and the Volturi had never declared such a rule, I'd always assumed it was just taboo to prey upon children. If I wanted to go so far as to be black and white about it, although their blood was usually the most sweet it was also the least satisfying because they were so small. I shuddered and made a deliberate shift in my thoughts.

Where to go from here? I kicked at a tuft of grass impatiently as the sun was rising. With so much technology, so much information available, and the added advantage I had as a vampire, how could I not track one single person? I swore in frustration and ran my fingertips across my scalp, brushing through my hair. The slight breeze blew softly again, springing up so suddenly that when the light trace of blood and rot reached my nostrils it was almost missed. Almost. I found myself whipping around, scenting out the source. West. Southwest. Stronger now. I hurried over a three miles to a small grove of spruce and fir trees and my suspicions were confirmed. Another quarter mile to the south and the smell was muted but unmistakable. A small pile of earth, branches, and grass was haphazardly strewn over the stench of rotting flesh.

I dug through the makeshift grave and was not surprised when a human corpse was revealed. The skin was pale, even for death, and no livor mortis was present—sure signs of a vampire victim. Combined with how much decay had already begun and that the body was in full rigor, it indicated the remains had been there for quite some time. But I was filled with something akin to adrenaline when I realized that, laced through the fetor, the essence of Victoria was present.

I gingerly flipped the bloodless corpse over and ignored the cuts and contusions to the man's face. If his injuries were any indication of how Victoria normally fed, then finding her might be easier than I thought. Such wanton violence was needless and superfluous, but it would be more easily recognizable. I noticed the man's wallet was still in his pocket, and I cautiously extracted it. _Ernest Hildon_, the driver's license read. Another identification card surprisingly revealed the address from Cranbrook, British Columbia. I stared at it, puzzled. Cranbrook was nearly twelve hundred miles from here! The rest of the wallet was mostly empty; a few scraps of paper and a picture of a fierce-looking German Shepherd completed the contents. My eyes flickered back to the deceased man's lacerated face and, not knowing what else to do, I reburied him. Perhaps, once I could find out more about him, I could return the body to his family… assuming he had one, of course. I raced back to my car and turned onto the freeway, headed back east.

Once I pulled into a town large enough to provide enough signal for my phone to access the internet, I pulled into a small commuter parking lot under an overpass and did a general search for Ernest Hildon. Immediately several hits came up, most of them reports that he was a serial rapist and child molester. Modus Operandi consisted of abducting preteen girls from playgrounds and school yards, taking them to remote areas and raping them before dismembering and dumping the bodies. Current whereabouts unknown; he had family in Calgary, Kelowna, Bismarck, Aspen, and Albuquerque, which led investigators to believe that he could be in or around any one of those cities. I shivered, and then felt myself growing angry. It occurred to me, not for the first time, just how cruel and disgusting humans could be. It made vampires seem tame by comparison. Then again, most humans didn't have to worry about losing control with the ones they loved on a daily basis… _But ah, there I go._ I tried to focus and ignore the dead-weight filling my chest, instead of thinking of the one person I was trying to help without thinking too much about.

I sighed and stared at the screen in mild confusion. What on earth would Victoria have been doing with a criminal like Ernest Hildon? I scrolled through more search results and my eyes froze upon a bold headline halfway down the screen. According to police reports, he was believed to be in connection with the disappearance of nine year old Jamie Sanders, from Aspen, CO. My only thought was that he must have abducted her, taken her here, and proceeded with his MO. But again, where would Victoria fit into the picture? The frustration was maddening. The only thing I could think to do from here was find the police report containing the details of the crime scene.

Once the sun began to set I made my way back to Pagosa Springs, eager to take the next step closer to destroying that red-haired witch, Victoria. I wouldn't stop until I knew Bella was safe from she who presented such an immediate risk. The weighty ache that began settling in my chest at the mere thought of her name was becoming all-too-familiar, and I fought for breath as I parked the car in the Police Headquarters & Volunteer Fire Station parking lot. Once the engine was off, I forced myself out the door and crouched beneath one of the windows to determine if it was safe to proceed. My business here was purely personal, and although no one in the building would even know I'd been here I thought it best to be as discrete as possible. The officers behind their desks seemed engrossed enough in their work not to notice me, which worked to my advantage. I began listening in for any clues to Jamie's case.

_I can't wait til my next day off… God I need a massage!_ The desk clerk looked tense as she scribbled over paperwork.

_…Forty-two, forty-three, forty-four, forty-five_… A green-clad custodian was rhythmically mopping a hallway on the north side of the building.

Nothing of interest to me… Perhaps I'd have better luck searching for myself? There were no video cameras that I could see, and I stilled my breathing to listen for the hum or whirr of any electronic surveillance. Nothing. I took a deep breath and opened the door, darting in and flashing down the hallway before anyone could actually see me. The desk clerk's eyes flickered up when the door clicked shut, but she attributed it to the wind. I exhaled in relief and was about to make my way into the first office when an expletive burst forth from the thoughts of a woman in the building annexed to the southwest.

_Don't people know how to preserve evidence around here? Fingernail clippings should have been bagged_ separately, _especially when they belong to a nine-year-old girl!_

Ah. The medical examiner. I quickly flew through the halls, out the door again and noted the desk clerk's annoyance at the cheap construction of the front door, that it must be warped to not catch properly. I chuckled – the oak door, in reality, was made of better quality than the walls of the actual edifice.

I snuck into the ME's laboratory cautiously. Much of the interior was familiar to me, as I'd become acquainted with most aspects of the medical world through Carlisle. She was hunched over a silver slab of a table, irritated because the fingernails in question were bagged by hand instead of individually by finger. Another expletive crossed her thoughts and she exhaled in frustration. She was completely unaware of my presence as I dashed across the doorway to her office. A series of plain file cabinets lined the walls of the room next to the lab, and although I felt a twinge of guilt as I broke the lock on the cabinet labeled "P-T", it was short-lived. I quickly flipped to the S's- Sabrett. Sage. Sak. Salazar. Sanchez. Sanders, Jamie Rose.

Sure enough, the cause of death and list of injuries sustained were consistent with the deeds of Mr. Hildon. The Examiner's notes were barely legible in brief short-hand, but again, years of connection with Carlisle had made all but the most sloppily-written Chinese easy for me to read. The description of "semi-penetration" was interesting… The Hildon man probably brought the child to the clearing in an attempt to follow through with his usual actions, and had been interrupted by Victoria. She then must have killed them both off, not bothering to hide the young girl's body for some unknown reason but burying the man's so as not to attract attention to his state of complete bloodlessness should the remains be found. The fact that most of the blood drained from the child's body was attributed to stab wounds and gashes didn't fool me; the description of "UNK crsnt-shpd punct ≈ rt. sart. UNK H. sap. mbl?" translated to an unknown crescent-shaped puncture wound in the vicinity of her right Sartorius muscle, or inner thigh, with resemblance to an unmatched human mandible, or jaw. Victoria must have gone for the femoral artery. I closed the folder and replaced it, unwilling to learn any more details of the condition Mr. Hildon had left that poor child in.

Something crackled over the police radios in the next building- a fire that had begun in an abandoned farmhouse was getting out of control in Ophir, a town to the northwest. Seconds later, I heard sirens as several cruisers and a fire truck rocketed from the parking lot and sped towards the highway. I quickly closed the drawer and silently left the building, sprinting to my car. After a moment of indecision, I got in and started it, intending to drive only far enough away to hide it. It would be faster and easier if I followed the law officials on foot, so I parked in the commuter lot I had stopped in earlier and ran swiftly to find the location of the fire fighters. The sirens were not hard to follow.

I stayed on the fringes of a quarter-acre of land where the charred remains of what had once been a small barn and a three-story building now smoldered. The blaze was now racing towards tree line east of the property, and fire fighters were working to contain the menacing flames from a group of terrified horses. A middle-aged couple stood clutching a young male child, all of them wailing in grief-stricken disbelief while medical attendants tried to soothe them and usher them into an ambulance at the same time. Over the scent of smoke and ash, however, was the overwhelmingly pungent scent of Victoria. Unthinkingly, a growl ripped from my chest. She had been here! She had been here – recently – and I had missed her! With everyone's attention focused on containing the fire, I took the opportunity to run to the site of the farmhouse's original foundation.

What was left of the structure creaked and groaned but I was fearless as I stepped over fallen beams and burned bits of concrete. The scent of blood was almost overpowering, it was so fresh, and I was completely unprepared for the sight that met my eyes as I rounded the corner of what had once been a north-facing room.

A girl, blue eyes still wide open, had been dismembered and lay blackened, hair singed, on the floor beneath a pile of lumber and brick.

She looked to be no more than fourteen but her youth, her fragility, reminded me so startlingly of Bella that my breath hitched in my lungs. Frustration welled up in my throat but I knew nothing I could do or say would be of any use. Her arm had been completely ripped off at the shoulder and was lying a few yards away, mangled and broken. Her leg was bent at an odd angle and despite the badly seared flesh I could see she had been scratched badly enough to make me step back. A human would presume such viciousness was due an animal attack – bear or large cat, perhaps – but the sickening icy sweetness of Victoria was unmistakable. Her scent was like frost-bitten flowers, too harsh to be anything but vampire. And the air itself seemed to carry rhinally perceptible remnants of rage that swirled like the snowflakes around my head. I trembled with intensity and a cry of anger escaped my throat. The mangled girl before me who stared lifelessly up into the dawn could have been Bella, and I longed for her so intensely I found myself striding back east for my car before I even realized my legs had taken me from the grisly scene.

I stilled when I realized I was hyperventilating and deliberately slowed my breaths as I made my way back to the empty lot under the overpass. I unlocked the door and slid inside, suddenly exhausted, and seriously contemplated just starting the engine and returning to the one place I truly considered to be home, consequences be damned. I sank into the driver's seat and twisted my hands into my hair, groaning. I _couldn't_ go back, not with Victoria out there to wreak such havoc! And the fact that I was only one small step above her and her ilk did not escape me. How many others had I left to die in positions worse than these, with injuries worse than these? I was the very worst monster to be in Bella's life because she trusted me so implicitly one small mistake could quickly become disaster, and knowing her, she would attempt to beg _me_ for forgiveness. I was filled with a rush of longing so acute it smothered me, surrounded me, and crushed me beneath its intense weight. I shook my head in despair and desolation, and despite my earlier vow of doing this on my own I desperately wished for my family, suddenly missing them so much I would have cried if my fiendish self were capable of such a thing. Swallowing pride that never should have been, and tears that never would come, I grabbed my phone from the center console. Before I could even flip it open it began ringing, the screen flashing Alice's number. I choked back a relieved noise that was a cross between a laugh and a sob as I answered with a shaky "hello."

"We're already on our way," Alice's voice was calm and sure.

"Who's "we"?" I asked, my breathing still ragged.

"Emmett, Jasper, and I. We're on Flight 1012 to Colorado Springs and we'll be there in an hour. Meet us at the airport and we'll figure out what to do from there. It's going to be okay, Edward," she said, her voice full of promise.

"Alright," I whispered. "I'll be there," I said before hanging up. I wouldn't say the obvious. My life without Bella stretched out before me like the night sky- infinite, cold, and black. Nothing would be okay.

**Chapter 9 to come soon. Please review.**


	10. Assistance

**PLEASE READ THIS!  
Hello darling readers of mine! I'm sorry this chapter took so long to get to y'all but a LOT has been happening. To start with, a fellow Twilight fan & fanfic reader suffered a sudden, heart-wrenching loss a couple of days go. Out of respect for her I'm not going to go into details of the tragedy but you can PM me with any questions of course and I will answer them as tactfully as possible. The loss of a loved one is terrible in and of itself, but of course dealing with the aftermath is overwhelming in its own right. That said, for those who can & would like to help her and her family out- there is a way: buy JEWELRY. This is not a scam nor is it a joke. A friend of mine makes beautiful custom jewelry and is going to be donating 20% of her profits to help the woman who has suffered this loss. Her website is **

**http:/curlyrocks(dot)etsy(dot)com**

**(Replace the (dot)'s with . of course)**

**The funds will go toward covering some finances for the woman and her two children, and will be just in time for Christmas. Thanks in advance to all who help out. **

**Another reason BLACKOUT got put on hold is because I've been sick (Yes, AGAIN. I know. It's irritating to me, too…) with a stomach virus this time. On top of that, my contact lenses tore and it was my last pair, so I have to go to the eye doctor and get a new appointment because my vision is TERRIBLE. (For those of you who understand eye prescriptions, it's -5.5/-5.25 to give you an idea.) **

**Thanks for taking the time to read this, and for taking the time to read BLACKOUT!**

**Stephenie Meyer= Creator of Twilight Saga. Snapcrakklepop= crazy attempter of Edward's take on Twilight Saga. Know the difference? I do! (=**

**Chapter 9: Assistance**

I sat, simply staring at my phone for what felt like an eternity in the safety of the car. Every sane, logical part of me was screaming that I should be well on my way to the airport by now, that my brothers and sister would come and ease at least some of this pain. But I ignored the voice of reason, letting it fade among the rising rush of voices from the hundreds of thousands of thoughts around me. I let the cacophony of thoughts crash over me like a wave that rendered me useless, my hand unable to twist the keys in the ignition. The overwhelming rush of need to be with her was no longer a leaden weight filling me and pulling me under, no. Instead, it felt as though whatever I had been, whatever organs, tissues, and cells that had formerly been my body composition had dissolved and I was on the verge of flying into space with nothing to hold me here; nothing to tether me. I would lift and float into the black void, spending the rest of my dark eternity searching after the pieces that made me whole, only to be stuck with the inevitable knowledge that the key to holding any two bits of me together was found in the soul of a young girl in Forks, Washington.

I felt a cry of frustration well up in my chest and rip through my lips, echoing into the car's empty air. My hand clenched into a fist and, before I could think twice about it, pounded into the dashboard. There was a loud crack, and I sighed in remorse at my stupidity as I surveyed the damaged console. Perfect. I'd now managed to pound the point home, literally, that destruction haunted me like a plague, infecting everything I came in any sort of contact with. And it wouldn't have mattered, really, if I could only come into contact with Victoria. I growled even as I thought her name. But before I could fully contemplate all the ways I could make her suffer for all the damage she was causing, one voice broke through the plethora of voices in my mind.

_Hmm… Red hair like the female I saw earlier. Heeeeeere human, human, human_… It was followed by the sound of mocking laughter.

Almost instinctively, my head popped up and swiveled to hone in on the voice. Less than fifteen miles to the southeast, a vampire was hunting. And not being so discrete about it. I could easily see the woman he was trailing as he hid behind trees and ducked behind branches, while not masking the noises he made. I looked at my phone again. Jasper and Alice would be arriving in less than ten minutes; even speeding I would be cutting it close if I left now. The scent of fresh human blood was strong in his nostrils and I could feel my throat begin to burn with thirst. Unwanted images combined with repressed memories of wet heat filling my mouth and, even though it was my own fault because I hadn't hunted in so long, I had to stop one of my own before disaster stuck.

I hastened south and east over the twelve mile distance to where the nomad was hunting, ignoring the venom that was beginning to well in my mouth in anticipation. Even before I had reached them, the nomad could sense my presence.

_Someone else here? No! This one is mine… I'll have to be ready to fight. Could make for a more exciting hunt, if anything… But it might ruin everything! I really wanted this one!_ The nomad's mind was practically buzzing as it ricocheted between the exciting prospect of a fight and the potential satisfaction of a successful kill. His intent seemed odd to me; it appeared as though he wasn't after blood so much as letting his prey see him beforehand.

When I reached him, he turned and we saw each other at approximately the same time. He was shorter than I was but more muscular, wearing a pair of blue jeans and black boots, with a white T-shirt depicting the logo of some music group I recognized from the sixties. His jet black hair was parted on the side, and I could sense he used his boyish, square-cut jaw and dimpled chin to his advantage. He studied me in turn and began to crouch as if to spring, while his eyes darted toward the auburn-haired woman who was hiking alone a mere 600 feet from where we stood. I raised my hands, palms up, slowly, as I made a herculean effort to cease breathing. The nomad snarled as he took in my eyes, now faded to a dark goldenrod, and my non-threatening posture.

_A little over six feet… I could take him… Strange thing about the eyes though, is he thirsty? Seems to have a lot of self-control for someone who'd be so desperate to feed… Ugh, she's getting away!_

"I'm not after your hunt," I said slowly and deliberately. "I'm looking for someone."

His eyes narrowed infinitesimally while the internal struggle to stay and find out who I was and what I wanted versus chasing after the hiker played out in his mind. Judging by the images flashing through his mind, I could tell he was quite the chaser; perhaps even faster than I was. It seemed to be his habit to allow his prey to get a good look at him, and then allow them to go as far as he could stand before racing to surprise and attack them, sometimes even waiting until they were miles away. Still he was silent.

"If you're that thirsty, there are plenty of elk in the area to chase down," I said eventually.

That thawed him immediately, and his thoughts turned into a mixture of disgust and curiosity. "You mean to tell me you actually drink _animal_ blood?" He shuddered as he mentioned the word "animal" in revulsion. "I thought your kind were some sort of fairy tale. Who are you?"

If I had a heart, it would have started racing as I heard his mind trace back to memories of speaking with Victoria. As it was, I tried to keep the urgency out of my tone & expression.

"My name is Edward Cullen. I need to know something from you… I can sense you have a gift for speed and that in turn should clue you in that I have some gifts as well. The red haired female you spoke with not too long ago—when did you see her? And did she tell you where she was headed?"

The nomad stared at me in shock, thoughts of his prey all but abandoned. A grin slowly spread across his face. "Well for starters, I'm Tommy. Not that you'd asked or anything…" he drawled sarcastically. He knew exactly who I meant, but was deliberately vague in his answers and could tell it was irritating me. He was young, having been created in 1957 at the age of 20, and the rebellion of the era he'd grown up in seemed to have left a lasting impression on him.

"Now this… _female_ you're asking about… what'd you need to know?" he asked aloud nonchalantly while his mind went on the defensive. _If he's trying to be my competition he needs to know I've got dibs…_

I almost gagged and despite maintaining my calm exterior, I made no attempt to hide the resentment I felt at dealing with an adolescent. "Her name is Victoria, and we have… a score to settle."

"Dramatic, aren't we?" he smirked. _So she _is_ feisty, then, if she's pissing off guys like this._ "I remember _her_ name; what'd you say your name was?"

Considering a vampire's memory was even better than photographic memory, I knew he knew precisely what my name was. However, it wasn't until I repeated my name that Tommy's eyes widened while his mind ran through a memory.

_Victoria's smile flashed as she stroked one finger down Tommy's jaw line. "It's been fun, but I'm afraid I'm only passing through."_

_"Hell, baby, I could pass through with you!"_

_She laughed, her lips turning up in a cat-like smile. "Sorry, Rebel, I'm a loner. Maybe another time, but right now I'm headed south. I've got a Cullen to catch." Her voice took on an iron edge._

_He chuckled. "Is he some sort of fancy sugar daddy?"_

_"No, just an old… friend. See you around."_

"Well, if your name's Cullen, that red-head was just as anxious to find you as you seem to be to find her," he said.

"But where?" I asked, urgency now evident in my voice.

He hooked his thumbs in his belt loops and rocked back on his heels, lips pursed as he studied me. "She mentioned stopping in Texas, someplace, but hell if I know where. But hey," he said, his brow creasing in concentration. "Were you serious about taking down an Elk? I mean, have you _smelled_ an elk lately? Compared to humans, those things are like—"

"I know," I replied shortly. I knew all too well the difference, but nutrition was at the bottom of my priorities list right now. In a final attempt to be civil, I thanked him and, in honor of Carlisle, advised him to at least consider turning to animal blood as an alternative to taking human life; he simply seemed to be both incredulous and dismissive, his mind already returning to wonder if his auburn-haired hiker was still in the area. I winced as I turned to leave.

Making my way back to my car, I wrestled with the thought of waiting for Emmett, Alice, and Jasper to find their way to me. If I didn't move now there was no guarantee I would get another lead with this much potential. What I knew for certain, however, was that she was no longer in the area. It was a snap judgment but it gave me a newfound sense of purpose. A small part of my mind wrenched with grief, knowing that I would be losing the opportunity to reunite with at least part of my family. I brought the car roaring to life. Considering my current position I was closer to Santa Fe than I was to Colorado Springs, and I began making my way south and east towards the airport.

_Why Texas?_ I mused as I sped down the freeway. Assuming she had begun in Washington and followed Robert Hildon all the way from Canada, her hunting patterns were eccentric even for a nomad. But before I could speculate further on her odd behavior my phone began to blink and hum.

"What are you doing? We just landed and you're going south! What's going on?" Alice demanded. I could hear Emmett telling her to calm down in the background.

"I got a lead, and if I don't follow it I'll lose any chance of another one this promising," I pleaded with her.

"What happened to working together?" she growled.

"Alice, I—"

"Alice nothing!" she interrupted. "I put my plans on hold for _you_! I postponed figuring out who I am and—"

"Your name is Alice Cullen," I cut in. "You're in love with a wonderful person named Jasper. You love clothes and you hate poor planning. You won't go a day without your designer handbags and God help us if we attempt to stop you when you set your mind to somethi—"

"Edward," she said through clenched teeth, her voice dangerously low. "I am trying. To figure out. Who I am. As a person!" Her words at the end came out as a cry of passion, and I heard Jasper's attempt at soothing her. It must have worked to a degree because her next words were softer, almost pained. "Who I _am_, Edward. Not what I do!"

"It's practically the same thing!" I argued. There was a sharp intake of breath and then silence on the other end as the impact of my words hit me.

"Edward…" she hesitated gently. But the damage was done, and it stung. If I meant what I said, then I truly was nothing more than a monster. I was Ill-deserving of Bella's ardor, to be sure, but also unworthy of Carlisle's esteem, of Esme's compassion. Of the admiration of my brothers, and the respect and devotion of my sisters. I stared bleakly out the windshield as I found myself on the outskirts of Santa Fe.

"Edward," she whispered again. "You are so much better than you give yourself credit for. Texas is Jasper's old territory; let us help you," she begged.

"There's no time. You may meet me in Texas if you wish, but I'm not turning around. I'm not going back. I _can't_."

Alice caught the inflection and dual-meaning of my declaration. She sighed.

I hung up before she could argue further. The phone immediately rang again but I ignored it, tossing it onto the passenger seat, and I put as much pressure on the gas pedal as was safe for the structural integrity of the car. Less than forty minutes later I was rushing toward the gate that housed my hastily-booked flight.

I imagined Austin was a good starting point, considering its central location. Upon landing I felt the humidity drape over my skin like a film. Unfortunately there wasn't enough a thick enough cloud cover to be able to move about freely, let alone not knowing where or how to begin.

The idea that Victoria was even in this area still continued to confound me. The northeast was much more populated and it was infinitely easier to blend it or hide out if one wished. I had no idea if she was traveling by vehicle or on foot. My inadequacies seemed to loom in my face. I supposed I could start with checking the latest headlines; seeing if any new murders had been committed. I'd also need to rent a suitable car…

_A better idea would be to just go to one of the murder sites, you know. _

I whipped around as Alice's mental suggestion caught me completely off-guard. I noticed her, Emmett, and Jasper making their way towards me; Emmett and Jasper's eyes were anxious and Alice's expectant. Alice bounded up to me and threw her arms around my neck.

"What… How did you…?" I was at a complete loss for words.

"You told us to meet you here if we wanted," Emmett smirked.

"Do you honestly think that after flying halfway across the country to see you we'd just let you leave? I don't think so!" Alice declared.

"You had to know, Edward, that you couldn't expect us to stay in Colorado," Jasper added. His tone held just enough of a teasing note to rise above sounding reproachful.

My shoulders dropped and I let out a sigh. There was no use arguing when they double-teamed me like this.

"What are all standing here for? Don't we have someone to track?" Alice hinted.

Jasper spoke up, "I've been keeping up with news feeds, and there's been an abnormal amount of murders and unsolved disappearances. It seems to be sweeping south and east, through Seguin, along the Interstate 10 corridor and most recently, Houston. The last killing was reported within the fringes of Houston's city limits. We should start there."

I nodded and glanced at my phone. It was still relatively early, so getting another flight to Houston wouldn't be a problem. Once we emerged from the terminal, Alice eagerly announced she would go find us a car, claiming she'd need help as she dragged Emmett along. Considering our need to hurry I had no doubt their methods of attaining a vehicle could be less than legal.

"You're really quiet, Edward," Jasper murmured. "When was the last time you hunted?"

"Not that long ago," I lied. "_This _hunt is just taking up more of my time than I thought it would."

Alice and Emmett returned, with Alice looking miniscule behind the wheel of a red Dodge Ram 2500 with a Hemi Engine. Jasper and I gaped at them; she simply smiled sweetly as Emmett began arranging Alice's bags into the cab.

Jasper raised an eyebrow and shook his head. "Emmett's been rubbing off on you…" he said in disbelief.

She shrugged. "Where we're going there aren't going to be very good roads, and with the way humans drive in this city we need something with power." Her eyes flashed to mine and I saw the memory instantly: Emmett waiting in the trees near a small pond as Alice approached an unshaven, overweight man in a ratty tank and red cap, his breath reeking of stale alcohol as he waited for the fish to bite. He'd made a tasteless joke to Alice about her height, turned to grab another beer from his cooler, and hadn't turned back in time to see Alice- and his truck- disappear. Emmett had literally carried the truck away. I sighed, but it was with a smile as I looked down at my elfin sister. I suppose he should have known better.

I tried to ignore the pain that licked like fire at the edges of the cavity where my lungs should have been, and did my best to smile at my family as I climbed into the cab. Having them here was nice, but I realized all too late that nothing would ever compare to having Bella at my side.

**Are you guys seeing the connection between Alice's poor vision quality and the later knowledge that she can't see the wolves? Heh! And I really struggled hard with the idea of letting Edward make it to Houston on his own, but Alice wouldn't leave me alone about it. (= That's the beauty of fanfic, you get to write out the characters as you see them reacting. Don't worry, things are going to fall into place soon.**

**Once again, please, PLEASE consider making a purchase to help this woman out. If you need any additional information, send me a Private Message. Thanks again, really…. Knowing we as a Twilight community can reach out to help out one of our own would warm my heart more than any reviews I could ever get.**


	11. New Direction

**A/N: Stephenie Meyer is the Queen, King, Rook, Knight, & Bishop on the Twilight chessboard. I'm merely a lowly pawn who's just playing with the characters.**

**Again, if you'd like to help out a friend of the Twilight community, please make a purchase at **

**curlyrocks(dot)etsy(dot)com**

**The event will be going until Dec. 31st.The money will be set up as a trust fund to take care of a fan & her children as they cope with a recent loss. **

**This one is just a short chapter because there are things in my life that I have to deal with at the moment. The next chapter is already written; just needs to be proofread & edited before posting but it should be up soon. After that I might be on hiatus for a little while; the "things in my life" that are going on right now mean I'm not able to be on the computer as much. But the movie's coming out in just three days (insert fangirl squeal here) so that should help satiate you until I get back on track, right?**

**Chapter 10: New Direction**

We were still miles outside of Beaumont when Emmett chuckled softly to himself at the ease and entertainment of utilizing all 345 horsepower of the truck's engine. Alice had been correct- Houston traffic was ridiculous even though it was far too early; it was beyond anything I'd ever seen or experienced prior to this trip. But I ignored it for the most part and let my eyes slide over the other cars, the bluebonnets, and waving grasses that were blurring by in the pre-dawn hours. Normally I tried to keep my abilities shut off to thoughts of my family members unless it was necessary, but now I found myself simply staring out the window with an empty mind without effort. Staring, but not really seeing anything. It was becoming easier and easier to simply sit and just let the voices rush over me. It seemed that without actively focusing on anything in particular, I could slide into a semi-catatonic state. It was certainly easier than the thoughts I'd found at the forefront of my mind lately: what would happen once Victoria was destroyed.

Could I really, truly live without Bella? Never had I felt so lost, so…directionless. Was this sudden hollowness in my chest ever going to be filled by anything else? I didn't even bother to think of it being filled by anyone else… I hadn't lied when I'd told her she was my life. I had made my whole world about her, and now nothing- no pull, no distraction, no person- could ever tear away the gravity that held me to her. I felt I would wander this earth forever, always missing my other half but knowing exactly where she was. _Or where she might be_, I corrected myself. For who was to say she hadn't yet moved on since? Perhaps she had found solace in the arms of someone else already. I stiffened at the thought that "someone" could very well be the Newton boy, but I swallowed thickly as I reminded myself that if that's what made her happy, I had no place to interfere. I'd forfeited any claim on her the moment she had so heedlessly decided she wanted to dispose of her soul in exchange for my eternal company.

My mind went back to that painful scene before I could stop to force myself to think of something else.

Her face, her anguished face as she took in the meaning of my words- that I was leaving forever.

My voice, my attempt to sound convincing and feeling as though I was failing miserably.

Her eyes, her fathomless, trusting eyes—and the many looks that passed through them—as she readily accepted all of my wretched untruths, despite the fact she should have known better.

My hands, steadily holding hers at her side right before I left, when all I'd really wanted was to bring them up to cradle her face and bring her sweet lips to mine…

The space in my chest wasn't merely a result of the air in my lungs. It was as though my lungs weren't even there, as though my heart had never become still because it had never beat to begin with. I could feel myself begin to gasp for air, and I struggled to remain calm, to focus on the task at hand. Emmet's eyes flickered up to meet mine in the reflection of the rear-view mirror; I noted the comparison between his butter-toned irises with my own onyx eyes in the mirror and looked away quickly.

Jasper shifted to look at me. His eyes seemed older somehow, wiser, despite the tinges of regret and blame that laced his thoughts. He focused, then, and his eyes held a note of sage placidity that instantly relaxed me despite feeling like I was sinking in the overwhelming rush of agony I was experiencing. I felt my shoulders fall, releasing a tension I hadn't known I was holding across my trapezoids, and turned my gaze gratefully to his. I had to stay positive. I had to.

As Jasper radiated serenity towards me, I tried to radiate reassurance towards him, to assuage any doubts about fault he might have had. I forced myself to remember the fault was none but mine for involving Bella in my life, and ignored the sting as I pushed to imagine Bella happy and joyous without me. Without me, she would get the chance to live life to the fullest.

The pavement flew by as we passed mile marker after mile marker, making our way east. Emmett laughed to himself again—he was enjoying this Hemi engine entirely too much. I set my thoughts on a pleasant outcome, envisioning in my mind that once I'd left, Bella had returned to her house, and—if I was being honest with myself—probably wept for a bit. Perhaps even a full day. But in my little daydream I assured myself that a return to school would have her human friends there to sympathize and help her get over me, the way normal humans did in the event of any break-up. They would no doubt declare that she was better off without me and paint me as a cretin to make her feel better, having no idea how on the mark they were in their attempt to describe me in a bad light. I supposed she would follow the course of normal adolescence, and I made myself imagine she might get to experience true teenage things—both good and bad— like social functions, extracurricular activities, arguing with Charlie over broken curfews and various other parental rules towards their normal, human adolescent offspring…

Almost as if conjured up by the thought of broken rules, Bella's glaring face flashed into my mind. I'd had no intention of imagining her with this much distinction, and yet her visage seemed marred, as if by the mental equivalent of snow on a television screen. Her blurred, angry face abruptly disappeared from my mind's eye, only to pop back up suddenly and just as obscured—if not more—as before. I was confused and would have panicked that I was going mad were it not for Alice's grip on my hand that had turned into a firm clench as her eyes glazed over in a look I'd seen countless times before. She was having another vision.

Bella was yelling… something? I couldn't make out the words and Alice's face twisted in concentration. Whoever Bella was arguing with, Alice couldn't see. I hated to see Bella so angry and I could only assume she was speaking with Charlie, the only other human I'd encountered who seemed to possess a portion of the mental block that Bella had. Charlie had great proclivity to anger when it came to something he cared about; I remembered sharply the distrust he had for me after last spring break's incident in Phoenix. His face, purple with rage, was conjured up in my memory, side-by-side in conflict with this clouded mental picture that Alice was experiencing. It was even fainter than the one from a week ago… A wild thought ran through my mind—had it really been only seven days since I'd last been with my family? My time in Colorado seemed like such an odd fog of a memory that it was comparable to the strange, dim vision Alice was experiencing at the moment. But, despite seeming so vague and temporary, it was my Bella's countenance nonetheless. I gripped the armrest to my right and barely even noticed when my fingers went through the leather and plastic, gouging a hole into the steel beneath. This was not how she was supposed to be. She was supposed to be happy; whatever she was arguing about with Charlie must have been of great magnitude to put such a look on her face. She seemed so angry, so frustrated, and suddenly I found my voice involuntarily reacting to even this faint trace of her…

"Be extremely careful, Bella," I cautioned her, ridiculously. Emmett raised an eyebrow at Jasper, who shrugged and seemed perplexed to the point of distress. I knew speaking to her seemed ridiculous but at this point it was more of a comfort for me. Regardless of what Carlisle thought it was, I was honestly both pained and gladdened to be interacting with Bella even if it only was through a vision. A heart attack, however, was a very real possibility to someone of Charlie's age and physical condition. "Don't pressure him over the edge. You need to get him to settle down," I pleaded. I felt a wild hope for the first time since co-experiencing these visions with Alice, that, if perhaps I put enough emotion into my voice—enough intensity, enough sincerity—she could in some way hear me.

Jasper had unbuckled his seatbelt and wrenched her hand from mine, attempting to both calm her and discover the cause of the blank look on her face. Emmett glanced over at us and pulled off the highway onto a side street, deserted in the early morning hours. Everything seemed to happen so quickly and yet so slowly at the same time. I could see her mouth moving but couldn't make out what she was saying, and I foolishly concentrated every iota of my will to hear her mind, straining to make out her thoughts even though I knew in my heart of hearts it was futile.

I heard Alice hiss when I saw Bella's face contort with fear as she unmistakably mouthed the word "Victoria." A furious snarl erupted from my own chest and I felt my brothers stiffen, Emmett's senses trained for anything unusual and Jasper attempting to filter out some of the anger I was radiating. My mind kicked into overdrive. Given Bella's propensity to nightmares, Victoria was no doubt haunting Bella's nocturnal unconsciousness. Were it not for the indisputable fact that Victoria was here in Texas, the fear that had replaced the intense anger on Bella's face would have had me headed back to Forks to hunt that wretched excuse for a life-form to her end.

Alice wilted suddenly and Bella's face blurred completely out of sight. Nothing but the crickets and the sounds of the engine cooling disrupted the silence that filled the cab. I sat back, breathing heavily.

_This cannot be healthy… He really needs her, bad!_ Emmett's thoughts were practically shouting at me, they were so intense, but I spoke before he could verbalize them.

I opened my eyes and asked, "What were you laughing about before this whole mess began, Emmett? Share the joke; I could use one right about now…" I pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed tiredly.

He seemed caught off-guard, as though I'd interrupted him. "Huh? Oh, you mean like, ten minutes ago? Uh, I was just thinking how funny it was that we're heading east," he shrugged. "It's like… we were just here! Haha! We're gonna end up right back where we started, and Rose is gonna kill me if she thinks we just stayed in the same place the whole time. If we do I'll have to get to her before she can pitch a fit about it," he grinned.

Jasper looked at him quizzically, but Alice spoke up.

"Where we started? Oh, you mean Mississippi. Hm, I never thought of that…"

Emmett turned his cheery countenance to her, but the grin fell from his face when he saw me. His next words were hesitant, cautious, and I willed him not to say them but he spoke, regardless. "Have you ever thought… that maybe, you might just… need to go ba—"

My nostrils flared. "No!" I growled. "If I go back it would lead Victoria straight to her!"

"But if we come with you…" Emmett reasoned, pleading. "We could fight! We could take her out, easy! "Come on," he scoffed. "We took care of James by ourselves! All of us together could…"

I stopped paying attention as Emmett continued to attempt to persuade me. The look on Jasper's face before Emmett had even made his proposal piqued my interest. It was a look of calculation, of contemplation, and his thoughts matched his face. Emmett was suddenly quiet and still as he took in Jasper's mood.

Alice sensed it, too. "What are you thinking, Jazz?"

I sought the answer myself. _Lead Victoria to her,_ he thought slowly, repeating my words and turning the idea over in his mind. _And we're headed east… She's been heading east, and we're heading east… She's headed east…_

I stared at him dumbly until the facts flashed through his head. A rising sense of panic was interrupted when Alice whimpered, because he still hadn't answered.

"Where's the last place we were all together?" he asked abruptly. He eyed me meaningfully as he began to speak his thoughts out loud. "If I were her, and if I was seriously trying to track you... Look at the facts, Edward." He was in full military mode now. "Considering our last encounter with her, I would assume she thinks wherever we are, you are. Not to mention it was fairly obvious at the time you'd never leave Bella's side." I winced as his words sliced me open, but he kept on, oblivious to anything but his conclusion. "The last place we were all together was in Mississippi; doesn't it stand to reason she would assume she'd find you Bella there also? She's headed _east_," he said again, significantly. "And she's hunting for you both."

**Have y'all made the connection between the wolves and the holes in Alice's vision yet? (= If you were wondering "Hey, Bella never argues with Charlie like that in New Moon!" You're right, she doesn't. But because Alice can't see the wolves, Edward just assumed that's who she was arguing with because it's the only thing that made sense in his head. Next chapter will be up shortly; then as I said I'm probably going to take a break for a bit to deal with some stuff. PM me with any questions. But in Chapter 11 Jasper is about to be a bit of a Soldier Boy up in it, oh! LOL sorry… bad joke. He's nothing like Soulja Boy, although I'm sure seeing him dance would be interesting… Okay I'm gonna shut up and let y'all review. Go ahead, click the little green button… You know you waaaaaaant to! (=**


	12. Change of Plans

**A/N:****Thanks for sticking with the story so far peeps! I just checked my stats and holy cow… it's really humbling to see how many people have checked out my fic! MUAH & hugs to you all!**

**Stephenie Meyer is the sharpest bulb in the oh-so-bright box of Twilightness. I'm just one little filament that is shining my own version of twi-light-ness. (; **

**Chapter 11: Change of Plans**

Alice, Emmett and I sat, stunned. The concept that Victoria would be hunting for Bella as well as hunting for me was at once astonishing and relieving: if Victoria were truly after Bella, then by tracking us she'd be in fact headed away from Bella. I had a wild, fleeting thought that I should travel to Finland, or perhaps Dubai, to lay a trap for her even further away from Forks.

"Well if we know where she's headed why not search her out already!?" Emmett exclaimed. "We can take her down and have her finished in no time!" His eyes gleamed at the prospect of a little action.

"No," Jasper contradicted. He turned to Alice. "You are sure you saw her headed for Beaumont?" he asked her.

"Absolutely," she replied with unmistakable certainty.

"Then that's where we should go and wait." He turned his face back to Emmett. "It would be easier to lay a trap for her and let her come to us than it would be to waste time and energy hunting her down." His eyes flickered to mine briefly as he mentioned "wasting energy" and "hunting".

Everyone turned to me. Honestly I was a little more inclined to go with Emmett's idea but I trusted Jasper's judgment— and his methods.

"Let's stick with our original plan," I decided. "If we know for a fact she's headed for Beaumont, then that's where we need to be."

"Alice," Jasper said, taking over, "I'll need you to keep an eye out for when she'll arrive and where she'll hunt. If we can circle up and get her surrounded, we can take her down without too much of a fight."

Alice nodded solemnly. "We've still got a few days before she shows up. I don't know where she is now but I guarantee she'll be there in two days, tops."

Jasper nodded before glancing at me. "Edward, I'm relying on you to be listening."

"Count on it," I replied through clenched teeth. The only thing I wanted in my hands more than Bella's precious face was Victoria's head, watching while her body was burning ten feet away.

"Emmett," Jasper continued. "Get us to Beaumont as fast as possible."

"Yessir!" he grinned with a mock-salute, and we made our way back to Interstate 10 and towards the small town near the Texas-Louisiana border.

We crossed into the edges of Beaumont and almost at once Alice saw that it would remain in our best interests to stay near the eastern edge of the city. We exited the interstate and waited for traffic to thin out before Emmett lifted the truck and carried it over the underbrush to a small thicket near the banks of the Naches River.

"We have plenty of time before Victoria arrives," Alice convinced Jasper. She sounded more assured in her earlier conviction that Victoria would arrive in either the late morning or early afternoon, since she was aware of our need to avoid being seen in the sunlight. "Plenty of time to plan _and_ plenty of time to hunt." Alice glanced at me with an attempt at discretion, but I caught her look. I was thirsty, true, but nourishment seemed so insignificant what with being so close to the brink of capturing Victoria. Emmett joked about going further east, crossing the border to take down a few alligators again, but I declined politely. Jasper, however, seemed up to the challenge of course.

"What do you think, Alice?" Jasper's eyes twinkled.

"No thank you!" she laughed. "I'll stick around here; you boys go have your fun!"

Emmett chuckled. "Betcha I'll be on my third before you even can hunt up one!"

Jasper snorted a retort, "You're on!"

After making sure yet again that Victoria wouldn't come while they were away, they raced off. Alice stayed behind with me, but I could see it was difficult to a small degree to be away from Jasper for even such a short time. Thankfully, she kept her thoughts quiet, focusing instead on events that hadn't happened yet in case anything useful popped up. After a while, she turned her ochre eyes to me.

"You really do need to hunt, Edward," she suggested softly. "You're going to collapse if you don't get something inside your system soon."

"Honestly Alice, I feel too keyed up at the prospect of finally destroying Victoria to think about nourishment," I replied.

"Feeding now will only help improve your strength for the coming fight," she argued.

I considered her words. It was true; feeding now would be advantageous later. It had been longer than I usually went without hunting and the prospect was starting to sound more and more appealing. Almost instantly, thirst flared up to tease the back of my throat with dull heat. Alice could see my resolve wavering and placed her hands on her hips and smiled knowingly.

"You're going to say yes in two minutes. Just save yourself the deliberation and come on!" she laughed.

Still, I wanted to be sure—it would have been too much of a disappointment to get this close to a definite opportunity and have it slip through my fingers. After assuring me for the tenth time that there was no way Victoria was going to come before I had the chance to feed, we set off a short distance to the northwest, to Big Thicket National Preserve.

We managed to take down a few white-tailed deer, but my mind wasn't on the hunt. I let my third kill slip from my hands and stood up. I was impatient to stay close to the city limits in the event Victoria made a snap decision and changed her mind about her arrival date. Alice was roughly a quarter mile away, daintily wiping the corners of her lips, and she began dancing back toward me.

"You're impossible," she laughed. "Everything is going to be fine. You worry too much!"

I simply shrugged. "Are you sure you're alright with this?" I asked once she was closer.

"With what? Helping? Ha!" she scoffed. "What else would I be doing?"

My thoughts wandered to her search for her past. I felt horribly selfish for being so needy, but I couldn't deny that their help was invaluable.

Alice shook her head before I could speak. "It's alright, Edward." She shrugged. "I've gone this long not knowing who I am… I can wait a little longer while I'm helping my brother out." She smiled at me and squeezed my hand.

I didn't know what to say, but Alice didn't seem to need any explanations. I don't know what I would have done without my favorite sister.

We were making our way back across the river when Alice suddenly slid to a stop. She stood, frozen, and I approached her cautiously. The hints of a vision had me tense instinctively as I rushed the rest of the way to her side, but the tension was short-lived when I saw Emmett in her mind's eye.

"What's going on, Alice?" I was concerned, albeit not as much as I would have been if Bella had made another appearance in her thoughts.

"Emmett," she murmured, confirming the sight in her mind's eye.

I saw the vision play out- Emmett's face, worried, as he spoke urgently on the phone to Rosalie. I saw patches of green rushing past him as he and Jasper made their way west back to us.

I sighed and tuned the vision out. What could Rosalie have possibly said to have put such worry on Emmett's face? Knowing her, she'd probably gone too long without checking her reflection…

Alice turned to face me as the vision faded. "Emmett's leaving," she said simply. "Rosalie is upset."

I felt my eyes widen and the faintest traces of worry began to creep onto my conscience. "What happened?" I asked.

Alice sighed heavily. "Nothing. Nothing too tragic, anyway," she answered sarcastically. "Rosalie just happened to call Emmett while he was hunting and… she did just what Emmett was joking about earlier- she got genuinely offended that we're back near the Gulf Coast again." A look of disgust crossed her face. "She actually thinks we're leaving her out… some nonsense accusing us of never having left Mississippi to begin with. Apparently you're holding a grievance against her because she hasn't kept her distaste for Bella a secret, so she feels she's being deliberately excluded from helping."

We had crossed the river back to the clearing where Emmett had dropped off the truck and Alice sighed in frustration. "She's in Alaska right now with the rest of the Denali Coven," she continued, "and Carlisle and Esme have followed to persuade her she's wrong. They have no clue how close Victoria is, by the way, otherwise they'd be here, too. I haven't had the time to call them with an update of how close she is …"

Jasper and Emmett came back into the clearing just at the tail end of Alice's explanation. Emmett glanced at me ruefully and then turned to Alice in consternation.

"I guess you've explained it then," he said sorrowfully.

Alice nodded. "I'm sorry Emmett… Was there nothing you could say?"

Emmett exhaled forcefully through his nose. "I tried, Alice!" He spoke to her but his eyes fixed on mine. "She's convinced that we planned all this to keep her away, partly because she thinks you've got a grudge and partly because I'm 'over-protective'," he quoted. "Then she hung up on me. I tried calling her back, but…" His hands fell limply to his side. "I have to go... She needs me now and I can't let her just give me the cold shoulder!"

With his eyes still on mine, he wordlessly pleaded with me to understand. He replayed in detail what had happened, running through the conversation in his mind again.

"_I don't get it! What is it about her that makes __everyone __in our family drop whatever they're doing to run to her rescue??"_

_Emmett sighed."Bella's only part of it, Rose… we're doing this for Edward." He glanced at Jasper in frustration._

"_What, so I can't help Edward out either?" Rosalie retorted. _

"_But you just said you didn't—"_

"_Let me guess- basically because I don't worship the ground Bella Swan spits on, I can't be counted on to help my own family?" _

_The pain showed through the sarcasm almost as much as her jealousy did. Emmett was at a loss. _

"_Baby, I—"_

"_Whatever, Emmett. I'm sick of Edward moping around like we mean nothing to him, and I'd never have expected to see you sucked into his mess. But if you want to follow him and his foolish attempts to protect some human," she spat the word out, "then go for it. But don't expect me to be happy about it and DON'T lie to me when the truth is you really just don't care if I'm there or not. I'll be in Alaska if you and my other "relatives" decide to grace me with your presence again," she ended acidly. _

_There was a vicious click as she hung up. Emmett swore and immediately attempted to redial, but it went straight to voicemail even after his fourth attempt. He sighed and shrugged, then turned to follow Jasper back to Alice and me. _

I couldn't tell if he was more disappointed in Rosalie's behavior or in the fact that he'd be missing the fight; his thoughts seemed to tip evenly on that scale. Jasper came to stand beside Alice and shook his head. "We'd still be able to take her out, just the three of us," he offered to me hopefully.

Emmett groaned. "Edward," he began, "I'm so sor—"

I held up my hand. "It's alright Emmett. You do what you need to do. We'll manage." I gave him a sad smile. At that moment, the scale tipped and I could tell that missing the fight weighed more slightly heavily on his mind than dealing with Rosalie, and it was almost enough to make the situation amusing.

His mind turned to weighing the options of driving versus running to the airport. "I'm gonna miss that truck," he joked. "But I think it'd be faster for me _and_ smarter for you if I left it here." He eyed the large cab and truck bed wistfully but didn't let his thoughts linger.

I didn't voice what I had been thinking (If it bothered Rosalie so much to feel so excluded, why hadn't she simply come down?) because I was afraid I already knew the answer; that she wouldn't have come even if circumstances were different.

_I'm sorry, man_, Emmett thought again.

I just shook my head.

Jasper glanced at me. "It's not worth it to linger on this. We need to re-strategize."

Emmett exhaled again, loudly, and gave us each a parting handclasp before he took off. "Maybe something will slow her down and I'll get to help after all," he grinned. "Shoot, I might even drag Rose down here just so she could see for herself that I wasn't lying." His face tightened and I knew he was only speaking in jest. For as much as he claimed to see no problem with bringing Rosalie along, I knew if she so much as broke a fingernail he'd be heartbroken with remorse.

"Don't worry about it Emmett. We'll work things out," I tried to comfort him. I was bitterly upset with Rosalie for doing something as petty as making Emmett chose between her and the rest of us, but no matter. Let her sulk. Emmett gave us one last look and raced away towards the northwest, and the airport.

Once he was out of sight I turned to face the others. Jasper was the first to speak. He seemed to share my views about Rosalie being nearby. "If she came it would just complicate things," he confirmed. "Emmett would never let her get hurt, and his attention would be torn between staying on the offensive and defending Rosalie."

"No need to explain, Jazz. I understand," I replied, nodding. Emmett's brawn would have been incredibly helpful, but between Jasper's expertise, Alice's foresight, and my unshakable will to destroy Victoria, I could hardly feel even the least bit nervous.

"Who's to say you wouldn't get distracted by trying to protect me?" Alice teased.

"Easy," Jasper teased in return. "It'll be over so fast there'll be no one to protect you from because Edward and I will do most of the work."

"Jasper Whitlock!" Alice scolded with a smile on her face. She struck him lightly on the shoulder and then shrieked in laughter as he spun her around, dipped her, and kissed her.

I had to turn away. The unexpected show of devotion pierced and pricked me like barbed wire; lacerating and puncturing me until I almost felt deflated. I compressed my lips into a thin line and stalked into the woods towards the truck.

"Damn," Alice muttered, still in his arms. "Edward, wait!"

"Come back!" Jasper called. I could sense when they glanced at each other and rushed to me in unison.

"I'm sorry," Alice said earnestly.

"Don't worry about it…" I whispered, pained. "It's not your fault."

The word seemed to ricochet in my mind…_Fault_. I shook my head and sighed. It would do me no good to have my mind occupied like this with the confrontation about to happen so soon. I leaned against the truck and had every intention of forcing myself to think about the day ahead, but somehow suddenly even just being in this proximity of a red truck was almost too much to bear. The hulking vehicle behind me was a far cry from the antique, rusting, vermilion Chevrolet that Bella drove, but… I felt Alice's fingers on my shoulder and Jasper's hands on my shoulders as he forced me to look him in the eye.

"We're going to do this, Edward. We can make it." He had mistaken my despondency over missing Bella as being upset over losing Emmett's help. I felt no need to correct him, ashamed as I was at having fallen into this slump so quickly, and made yet another monumental effort to bring myself out of this self-induced depression.

Honestly at this point it was getting ridiculous… would I not even be able to see a red truck without this overwhelming sense of despair? Would I forever be plagued by my memories? If I was going to be of any use, I _had _to focus. To concentrate on the task at hand and make it through one hour at a time. One minute at a time, if need be. I shook myself a little and held Jasper's gaze steady.

"I know," I replied, nodding. I shifted my gaze to Alice; her thoughts hovered between guilt as she struggled to restrain herself from her naturally affectionate nature and rebellion as she attempted to suppress feeling indignant from having to restrain herself from her mate at all. "Don't worry, Alice," I smiled tightly. "Let's just re-organize like Jasper suggested and figure out how to take this witch down."

She gave me a half-hearted smile and gave my arm one last reassuring pat before turning her complete attention to Jasper. It was going to be another long night.

**Okey dokey my loverly readers. Edward is getting closer and closer to losing his mind and heading towards South America. The events that bring him there make ME want to yell with frustration, but that's another chapter. Stick around for what happens next; it might not be up right away but I promise it'll be worth it when does!**

**Y'all know what to do LOL. **

**I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**((Those last three words are from McLovin. He hijacked my computer and decided to let me know he loved me, complete with a bajillion exclamation points, having no clue I'd leave it in this chapter. So take it as a sign that my fiancé loves you guys too… prolly b/c you're still here at this point LOL! I LOVE Y'ALL TOO!)**


	13. Desolation

**A/N: Thanks to all of you for your patience in getting this chapter out. My post-Thanksgiving-induced coma severely limited my writing abilities haha! Long-ish chapter, FYI. Enjoy!**

**Oh yeah and abacus is to snapcrakklepop as TI-89 is to Stephenie Meyer concerning all things Twilight. **

**Chapter 12: Desolation**

The next day passed uneventfully. We had cleared a small area of trees in some places, and placed a few strategically set up as a deterring barrier in others. The brush piles we set up were hardly a true block, but it would buy us some time if she decided to head deeper into the forest and take to the trees. As the night fell and the crickets began to chirp, we re-organized our original plan of a trap. Given what seemed to be Victoria's instinctive sense of danger, we had to be sure our presence wouldn't give too much away. We agreed that staying close to one place would help minimize our scent in the area and as soon as Alice gave us the go-ahead, we'd spread out to try and take her down. Alice and I were to close in from the sides and Jasper from the rear in a sort of triangular formation.

We passed the night discussing strategy and possible outcomes. By daybreak, I was so tense with anticipation that I wasn't entirely convinced I couldn't have taken Victoria down alone. The morning was uneventful, however, and Alice's once-certain visions became clouded with doubt as the day wore on without any sign of Victoria's arrival. By the time dusk had begun to settle over the land, I was so agitated I was unable to stand still. I was dimly aware of my siblings' growing discomfort but every scenario resulted in the same fashion: Victoria must have changed—and still be changing—her plans. Where she could have gone from here, I had no clue, and Alice was getting irritated with the random, intermittent images of a red-haired female launching herself through treetops. It was possible that the best new strategy would be to split up sooner than we had originally planned…

Barely had the thought crossed my mind when I heard a gasp, and turned to see Alice's face slide into a familiar blank mask.

"What's going on?" Jasper asked me. I tuned in to see what was going on and gasped myself.

It was Alice. _Human. _Or at least, someone resembling Alice so strikingly it was startling.

"Alice!" I exclaimed softly.

"What is it?" Jasper asked again.

"It's… _me_!" Alice choked out, shocked. "It's ME! But human!! I don't understand…" Her voice trailed off in a whisper and Jasper shot a look at me.

"What she's seeing… It's… It's her!" I explained in a dazed rush. "She looks just like Alice, but with longer hair. And she's _human_!"

In Alice's mind, a woman, possibly in her mid-to-late thirties, was pushing a key into the lock of a third floor apartment. The resemblance to Alice was uncanny! Fair skin, same height, same cheekbones… The only immediate differences were shoulder-length hair and of course, the eyes. The young woman in Alice's vision had eyes that were such a dark blue they were almost violet.

I knew almost instinctively that whoever she was, she was obviously a relative of Alice's. The similarities were too much to deny or ignore. And in that instant, I knew I would be fighting alone. I was not about to let this chance for Alice to find some link to her past slip by simply due to my selfishness, despite her feelings on the matter. Alice had to find this girl, and maybe not interact with her, but at least find her.

Before I could voice my thoughts, however, Alice whirled around to face me with iron in her gaze.

"No, Edward," she said flatly.

"Alice," I sighed patiently in response. "You need to go. But I just can't go with you."

"We're not letting you do this alone!" she threatened.

Jasper's eyes flashed to mine, his mouth set in a grim line. "Absolutely not, Edward," he growled.

"There's no way I can let you pass this up, Alice!" I argued.

"Edward," Jasper said with deliberation, "what you're talking about is out of the question. We can't leave you alone here to fight her!"

"Where is she!?" I burst out. "She's not even here! All our planning, all our strategy, it's all been for nothing this whole time!" Alice's face registered shock, and then hurt as she took my words to mean doubt in her abilities. I felt almost childish, but the sudden frustration was overwhelming and I felt closer to a temper tantrum than I'd ever been in my existence. The whole situation was just too much to bear at the moment; if I didn't get my space I felt I would explode from some coiled-up ball of tension that had suddenly taken up residence in my core but did nothing to fill the gaping chasm in my chest. I inhaled deeply and turned to my siblings.

"Alice. Jasper." They eyed me warily.

"Edward, don't—" Alice began.

"No." I declared. "I'll check in with you, but it's obvious Victoria is not coming here. And frankly I'm not entirely sure I'm willing to have company at the moment." I leveled my eyes on Alice. "I've been screening your thoughts almost as diligently as you have, and she's not coming," I said dully.

Jasper attempted to calm me down, but it only frustrated me more. What was the point? I was as hopeless at tracking Victoria as I had been at protecting Bella. I felt as though I were being suffocated. I had reached my breaking point.

"Go, Alice." I turned to leave.

"Edward!" she called out in a panicked voice. "Edward, _wait_! What are you doing? Give us more time, I'm sure—"

"I need to be left ALONE," I said blankly, and turned on my heel into the undergrowth.

The sorrow at the thought of me leaving was at war in Alice's mind with the desperation at the thought of uncovering what promised to be a very important clue to her past. She was so hopelessly torn, but before she could speak Jasper reached for her hand.

"Let him go, Alice," Jasper murmured as I stalked away. His thoughts seemed to quietly flicker with the reassurance that once I'd gotten over my temper tantrum I would return with fresh hope.

I didn't know how to tell him otherwise; I didn't know how to explain to them I had no hope left. I wasn't even quite sure where I was going, I just needed to get out, get away, and get up from under the sudden, weighty despair that had settled on my mind and threatened to crush me. Everything I'd ever attempted- from fitting in right with my family to trying to keep Bella safe to tracking Victoria- seemed doomed to failure. Memories of my rebellious vampire adolescence away from Carlisle, of stalking people who were monsters in their own right yet still earned my unjust judgments, flashed in my mind and made me cringe. Memories of Tyler's van, spinning uncontrollably across the ice; of the men in Port Angeles whose intentions went far beyond the border of harm while I foolishly let myself get introduced to Bella Swan's world, constricted my throat and caused my chest to ache. And now, after all this long time of searching, waiting, preparing, pursuing—now, it was all for naught.

What would I have done once Victoria was out of the way? I thought for the two hundred and sixty-fourth time. I found both hands twisted in the mess that was my hair, and for the first time in weeks actually took in my disheveled, dirty, rumpled appearance. There was no way I could return to Forks now… Bella would no doubt sneer in disdain at the sight of my lying, selfish face. I was nearly three miles away when I heard the roar of the Hemi engine and was somewhat relieved to hear that Alice and Jasper were quickly making their way back to Mississippi to observe from a distance this woman who appeared to be Alice's kin. Their thoughts were a tandem whisper of acceptance and comfort, and an unspoken offer to join them when I'd taken enough time so that we could resume the hunt together, but I knew there was no way I could start this from square one again. I would go mad. I was going mad.

I don't know how many hours went by that I wandered aimlessly around the coastal marshlands before a familiar scent crossed my path. I blinked rapidly, making my way to a small clearing, and looked up in surprise to see the last person I would have expected to see come barreling through the shrubbery.

"Tanya," I breathed. I winced slightly as I saw myself through her eyes. She stood not ten feet away, hands on her hips, lips pursed, as she surveyed my torn shirt and muddy trousers. She crossed her arms over her chest and stared in silence for several moments. Her thoughts were mercifully blank; purely speculative.

"Your family sent me," she finally said, breaking the stillness. "Alice called on the way to Mississippi and told me exactly where you would be… What's going on with you? Why don't you come home?"

By "home" I knew she was referring to the house she shared with her sisters, Irina and Kate, and their friends Eleazar and Carmen. I swallowed thickly.

"I just need to be left alone, Tanya," I said wearily.

She studied me, resigned. _You could start over in Denali,_ she pleaded in commencement. _Give us a chance to fix you. __All__ of us,_ she emphasized. Her mind flickered over Carlisle's concerned eyes, Esme's strained smile, Emmett's sullen expression, Rosalie's irritated face… So they were all gathered there as well. I wondered idly what had happened when Emmett had returned, and if Rosalie seemed so put out as a continuation of her former jealousy or if she simply had something new to feel insulted by. "We're your family too, Edward,"she said softly, breaking into my thoughts.

"I know. I just need… some time. Some space. I don't know where to go from here and until I figure that out I just need to be left alone. _Please."_

_It's not healthy, Edward! _she argued._ Wandering around like this in this…. wilderness is hardly the ideal situation for mental recovery._

"What if I'm not ready to heal?" I demanded. And I had to admit to myself in that instant that perhaps the pain was all that was tethering me here. Perhaps if I suffered enough at my own hands the way I had made so many others suffer—Bella included— it would count in some small measure either toward my despicable past or my bleak future. The pain was the only thing that consoled me now.

_Declaring you're not ready to heal is practically proof of just how much you_ need_ to heal. You can't do this much longer. Ambling about ALONE in this humid, pathetic excuse of a wood _should_ be a clue, you know. _Despite her best efforts at shielding her thoughts from me, I still caught glimpses of daydreams- us walking hand in hand in through the towering Alaskan pines, and her complete contentment of my arms around her shoulders.

I shook my head back and forth, back and forth, mutely, before answering.

"Tanya," I managed to say despite my aching throat, "I can't just replace her." She shrank back and lowered her eyes in embarrassment. "And I wouldn't expect you to shoulder the weight of my emotional baggage." I turned a crooked smile in her direction and attempted to lighten the situation.

She sighed. _ And I came all the way down here,_ she thought wryly. She seemed to have abandoned her efforts at convincing me to return with her to Alaska, for which I was grateful. The pressure of Tanya's advances, despite her good intentions and pure desires to strictly comfort me, were more than I could already not handle at the moment. _The least we could do is hunt together, hm?_

I shook my head again, smiling gently this time. "Please," I repeated softly. "You can tell my family I'll check in as much as I can, but for now… I just need to be left alone."

She took a deep, thoughtful breath as she considered the idea of leaving me to wander aimlessly around the southwest in my current emotional state, but she wasn't one to push. I was grateful it had been her and not all of her sisters; there was no way I would have escaped the pressure from all three of them. Eventually she nodded in acceptance and embraced me briefly before wordlessly vanishing into the trees.

I was surprised to notice the sun had set several hours ago; my and Tanya's exchange must have taken longer than I'd realized. I sank to the ground in complete desolation, somewhere on the northwest region of Houston, and tried to tune everything out but the song of the crickets and night wind. My earlier desires to let the earth bury me were back in full force now, and I considered the idea of digging a hole to entomb myself in. I dismissed the idea almost immediately, however. At least being out in…wherever I was… gave me the distractions of small rodents and insects to focus on, instead of the angry, aching feelings that tumbled through my mind.

What was I really doing here? For the first time in several hours, my thoughts began to take on direction again. So Victoria had never come—what had changed her mind? If she hadn't come here, where had she gone? I stood up abruptly. Perhaps… and I knew it was foolish of me, but perhaps I could catch her scent somewhere.

I made my way back south and farther east to where Alice, Jasper, and I had set up our initial "base" area. Nothing, no traces of her on the wind or trees or surrounding grasses, so I branched further east. Nothing, not within a twelve-mile distance anyway, and I knew if she'd been anywhere within a radius of that distance I would have heard her. So I returned to the west side of our meeting grounds and kept going farther west. Still nothing. I sighed but wasn't too disheartened; after all I hadn't expected much to begin with. As I made a wide arc to the south in my return to our former location, I sensed another presence. Someone whose thoughts were fuzzy, as though they were almost too far away to hear, but the feeling of extraordinary stillness achieved by my kind was unmistakable. Vampires were near, two of them, and I had no desire to get caught alone in my weakened state. They, however, had other plans, and I could hear their thoughts turn to curiosity as they caught my scent and came to investigate.

I cursed myself mentally for not taking Tanya up on her offer to hunt earlier. The half-a-buck I'd drained two days ago had already faded into the barest remnants of nourishment, but there was no time now. I stopped in my race back to the clearing and waited for them to catch up with me. They were nomads, but with a strong attachment to their New England roots; hunting this far from home was simply a semi-vacation for them.

The dark-haired male came into view first, but it was the female who intrigued me.

The male's mind was easy enough to read as he took in my height, my muscular structure, my strange eyes, and an attempt at my age. The female, however, seemed to have some sort of mental block. There was only the barest revelation of her thoughts, and even then they were more like the representation of images rather than images themselves. I could make out no words, just the meanings and feelings behind them.

I decided to break the silence. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disturb you."

"It's quite alright," the female with the sandy-brown hair said. "We were quite finished anyway and were running simply to run. My mate here is only 22 years old; still experiencing the thrills of vampire life for the first time," she smiled her scarlet eyes at him.

The male, in turn, was bewildered by my eyes more than anything.

"I was just passing through the territory," I attempted to explain.

Once the male seemed convinced I was no threat, he relaxed visibly. "It's fine," he said, and his voice was surprisingly deep for his slight frame. He cracked a smile.

"This isn't our territory either," the female announced. "We didn't want to step on any toes. I'm Linda, and this is my mate Matthew."

I let the briefest grin touch my eyes as well but was so intently focused on the female's thoughts that I was only half-paying attention. A brief flash of red hair in Linda's memory peeked through whatever mental fog she had in place as a defense mechanism, and it made me catch my breath. They both heard the intake of air and stepped back, glancing around as if threatened.

"No, no," I gasped. "I'm sorry. I just… caught the scent of someone I hadn't seen in a while," I lied. "By any chance… would you have happened to see a red-haired female… passing through perhaps?"

They exchanged glances. "Ye-es," the female finally spoke, drawing the affirmation into two syllables. "It was back when we were near Duncanville; closer to Dallas, actually. She mentioned she was headed south- quite far south, and a little ways east. She seemed intent on finding a male whose description actually matches you."

"When?" I had to fight to keep the anxiety from leaking into my voice.

"Earlier…" Linda mused. "If I had to be precise I would say late yesterday morning. Matthew was hunting on the other side of the valley so he didn't see her," she said apologetically.

"Did she say—specifically—where she was headed?"

Linda studied me briefly, and the conversation replayed in her mind but I could only catch bits and pieces, and indistinct ones at that. A flash of pale skin, and the barest hint of red to her hair, but the height seemed right. Perhaps she had dyed her hair as a distraction? It wasn't unheard of for some of our kind to make cosmetic alterations to their physique in an attempt to blend in for short periods of time.

Linda finally shook her head and shrugged. "All she said was south. She'd made a joke about going to Rio if that's what it took, but other than that I couldn't tell you."

"Rio," I repeated.

Linda nodded. "She was quite clear on that. I'll go to Rio if I have to," she'd said. I don't know what she was after, but she took off in a hurry anyway."

I barely called back my thanks as I took off for Houston's George Bush Intercontinental Airport. Perhaps she'd caught our scent after all and had headed to a more densely populated area to hunt from. If we were using up nourishment to catch her, no doubt she'd be working up quite a thirst in trying to avoid us. I paid no heed to the airline workers and flight attendants who glanced over my untidy attire and lack of any luggage whatsoever. My eyes seemed crazed to them, and scared them off enough to let me be. Once aboard the plane I tried to take several deep breaths. I knew it did no good to waste time in impatience. It was far better to plan what I could do once I found her in Brazil.

I knew one thing- I had no intention of contacting my family. I had finally come to grips with the fact that if I was going to do this, it needed to be just me. Enough had happened over the last month that convinced me I was meant to take her on alone. Perhaps it was karma, perhaps it was simply coincidence, but after being taken away from me for very valid reasons- except perhaps, Rosalie's childish fit- I wasn't going to bring my family back into this.

We made our connection in Atlanta slightly early, and it took every ounce of my concentrated will to simply sit back and wait to land. First class was mostly deserted; with the exception of one man and one woman on business trips I had the cabin to myself.

I tapped my foot impatiently, humanly, and fought against the idea to burst into the cockpit and simply fly the damned plane myself. When we were three-fourths of the way over the Caribbean Sea, I leaned to look out the small window and was startled by a small lump in my pocket. My phone. I had all but forgotten about it, honestly, and was only slightly annoyed to see Alice's number on the screen six times from missed calls. I promised myself I would contact her once the plane landed, but not before I got a lead on where Victoria had headed.

The plane finally landed at Galeão International Airport, north and slightly west of the Rio's city limits. I fought my way carefully through the teeming sea of humanity once my plane got to the gate. Thankfully my sleeves were long enough to hide my arms, and I quickly paid for an inexpensive pair of sunglasses at a kiosk in the terminal before stepping out into the swarming hustle and bustle of warmth, commerce, travel… _life_. The scent of salt was in the air from the ocean, less than a mile away, but nothing else.

I knew it was foolish of me to feel disappointed, but I couldn't help it. It was stupid of me to have expected to find Victoria waiting for me once I left the airport. So I focused my energy on heading south towards Rio and testing the air along the way.

For the rest of the day, I searched. And searched. And searched. On my second pass from the airport all the way down to the famous statue of Cristo Redentor, I decided to go by sea and swam back south. Still nothing. At various times I sensed out three other vampires, none of whom had any affiliation with another, and their minds were simply focused on the hunt. The night slowly gave way to morning, but I was no closer to finding any hint of her than when I'd started.

I finally stopped after my eighth sweep through the city and a 25 mile radius around it, and found myself forlorn and frustrated. I was literally alone in this place, and I was beginning to doubt Victoria had even come here. None of the vampires I sensed had any idea she even existed, and the humans were even less aware.

I gazed up at the massive statue of the Redeemer Christ, his arms outstretched to embrace the lost. His stone arms and hands reminded me of my own, yet his stood as a symbol for redemption and mine for death. I sought out the hooded eyes carved into the reinforced concrete and soapstone, but there was no warmth in them for me. They stared out blankly, across the city and harbor, searching to rest on others more worthy than I. It was there, under that statue of a Redeemer that had no business or desire of redeeming me that I physically felt the void where my soul should have been-- and its name was Bella Swan.

As the sun began to rise and I stood in the shadows of one of the city's many buildings, it dawned on me too late that Victoria wasn't here. There was no other explanation for it. Perhaps she had been here, but there was absolutely no trace of her now. If she had been pursuing me as actively as I'd been led to believe, it stood to reason she would have found _me_ by now, in an attempt to settle her old score. But there was nothing. I had nothing. And I had no one.

I don't know how it came to pass, but I found myself wandering down a crowded street that was bordered on both sides by tenement projects. Most people gave me wide berth, hurrying to various enterprises, but some were still in their dwellings and their thoughts and voices carried to my ears.

_-_ _Ei Natalia, Lava roupa?  
-Sim Mamã._

_-Ei! Paulo!! O aluguel!  
-A semana que vem, Juan!! Por Favor!  
-Sempre "a semana que vem", Paulo…_

_-O sótão desperdiça… Ay, Envelheço…_

The conversations of the four-story structure on the corner were typical of any big city tenement building- a mother asking her daughter about laundry, demands for rent with promises of payment "next week", the landlord's old mother complaining her age was hindering her from getting to the deserted and dusty attic- and I would have drowned them out were it not for the thought that I would need some place to hide among all these people, and soon. I leaped with some difficulty through to the roof; the structural integrity of the building was a far cry from the regulated and standardized architecture of the United States, and the roof itself was broken in several places. I dropped gingerly to the rickety floor and glanced around wearily. The idea of a forsaken attic appealed to me, if for no other reason than I knew I would be left alone. Not that I had anyone to bother me in this city anyway…

As if on cue, my phone buzzed. I sighed despondently as I noticed Alice's number. I flipped the phone open, and, without giving her a chance to speak, asked, "Please- just leave me alone. Please?"

The hollow despair in my voice frightened even me. I snapped the phone shut and tossed it unheedingly to the floor before she could answer. The reality of my predicament hit me full force as I found myself curling up on the creaking floorboards of an abandoned fourth-floor attic. Whatever breaking point I'd thought I had earlier was a far cry from how low I was now. I realized I had completely and utterly failed at nearly everything I had set out to do. I was suddenly lost to grief, and whatever emotions I had left came bursting out of my body in wracking, shuddering gasps.

What was I but another unnecessary life form on this planet? My family was obviously surviving without me; surely I could afford to go missing for a while. The emptiness of mind I craved eluded me, as Bella's face was brought again and again to the forefront of my thoughts. What she would be doing, and with whom. How the weather must be in Forks. The solitude of the meadow I had once claimed as mine and allowed Bella to share with me… I stifled a cry and turned my thoughts upward, outward, anywhere but inward. I let the rush of voices and thoughts and nameless emotions wash over me, and I made no effort to stop them. I simply curled up on the floor with my heart still and broken beneath the heavy weight of so many others thoughts, and without the desire or intention to resurface.

**[[Translations]]**

**- Ei Natalia, Lava roupa?  
-Sim Mamã.**

**(Natalie, did you do the wash?/Yes Mama.)**

**-Ei! Paulo!! O aluguel!  
-A semana que vem, Juan!! Por Favor!  
-Sempre "a semana que vem"com você, Paulo…**

**(Hey! Paulo!! The rent!/Next week, Juan!! Please!/ It's always "next week" with you, Paulo…)**

**-O sótão desperdiça… Ay, Envelheço…**

**(Oh, that attic is going to waste. Ugh, I'm getting old…)**

**For those of you who were wondering, the "red-haired female" in Linda's memory wasn't Victoria, it was Tanya, looking for Edward. Victoria had long since gone back to Forks (duh) and to Linda, they both got lumped together in the category of "redheads". With her mental block, Edward was unable to see who she meant and took Tanya's joke that she'd go as far south as Rio as fact that Victoria had indeed gone there. By the time he gets there & figures out he was mistaken, he's already so broken that he just gives up. He's at a place of complete and utter hopelessness. You should review & tell him to cheer up! Remind him the story does have a happy ending! (=**


	14. Uncomfortably Numb

**A/N: First of all… WHOA!! 50+ reviews?! LOL I never thought I'd get more than 20 people to actually even read the story, let alone review! Thanks guys. (= Emotionally I was in a bad place when I was writing this, but it actually worked to your advantage b/c I'm better able to get into Edward's head. *half-smile* **

**Chapter 13: Uncomfortably Numb**

For the longest time I simply… was. I don't know that I could say I sat, because "sat" is the past tense of "to sit", and sitting is a verb. Verbs convey activity. I was the opposite of active. I was the essence of inactive; a negative existence. But considering the current position of my body, the arrangement of my limbs, I supposed "sitting" was as close as I could get to an accurate description of my present physical state.

I do not know how long I sat there. At one point, I remember that for approximately three whole days I didn't breathe, just to see if, by some off chance, perhaps a lack of oxygen would have any effect whatsoever on my body's ability to be conscious. It was stupid, and when I inhaled roughly eight hours into the fourth day of my futile attempt I became _aware_ that I was being stupid. Not just for not breathing, even though my lungs clearly didn't need the air, but because of the burning rush of need that seared my throat once I inhaled. The intensity of the need would have caused my eyes to sting had there been anything but this cursed venom in my system. Thirst.

Another useless attempt to maintain my state of a "negative existence". I wasn't trying to starve myself, I simply wasn't motivated enough to go hunting. I doubted that in this weakened state I could take down anything much larger than an average-sized jungle cat anyhow. Part of me was secretly envious that I couldn't waste away like a human would have. I almost relished the fantasy of just shrinking and shrinking until I disintegrated into dust or dissolved like mist, being blown away on the wind and forgotten in everyone's memory. The other, more logical part of me, however, knew that whatever wind I could ever possibly be blown away by would only stir up memories of me in the minds of those I loved most.

Almost as if conjured up by the thought alone, my phone began to flash and buzz _again_. I debated just pitching the blasted thing through the window, but a fairly sturdy cell phone, sleek and modern, hurtling through the air into the streets of some South American shanty town was hardly the best way to stay inconspicuous. It was no surprise to see Alice's number, yet again, on the screen. I stared at the number and at the picture I had of Alice which came up every time she called.

I had deleted all of my contacts except for my immediate family, and Bella's house. The one time I'd tried to even think of hitting the button to "Confirm- Delete 'Bella Swan'?" I found myself snapping the phone shut savagely. I couldn't do it, couldn't bring myself to extinguish her existence in any way, not even concerning something as trivial as removing her from my phone. It was ridiculous.

It was silent.

I sighed. However long it had taken to come to that brilliant conclusion—the proof that I was ridiculous—was long enough for Alice to get frustrated and hang up again. I settled against the floorboards and leaned my head back against the slatted wall. The attic had been left undisturbed, just as the old woman had observed. She was affectionately referred to as "Vieja" by the majority of the tenants in the building; I learned that she owned the tenement dwelling and her son was the acting landlord and manager. She'd only complained about the attic on two more occasions since I'd been—and I smiled wryly to myself—negatively existing up here. I was thankful that while her son's thoughts were mostly to appease his elderly mother, he had no concrete intentions to come up to my melancholy habitation any time soon.

The sun chased the moon over the horizon again and again and again. I could see jagged lines of sky from the cracks in the ceiling, as well as through one irregularly-shaped square window on the east side of the room. The attic itself was a long, narrow room, the floor of which was composed entirely of warped and weathered planks. I grimaced, imagining the threat of fire against an edifice like this, and briefly wondered how much time I'd need to get everyone out if such an event were to occur. But what was I thinking? I couldn't very well parade around with eight people in my arms and deposit them in broad daylight into the street below- should the fire occur in the day time. If the fire was at night, however, there was a chance I could go unnoticed provided they were all asleep… unless the luminescent quality of my skin was seen against the relief of the firelight as the building burned…

I blinked furiously against the train of thought I found myself riding. Granted, it was mundane, absurd thoughts like these that kept my mind occupied against other, more painful thoughts. But the very idea that I would go lurking in the night like some superhero of stealth was laughable. If I had learned nothing else from the past year of my eternal existence, it was that I was the farthest thing from a superhero.

More days passed. Vague thoughts flitted through my mind, memories of a film in which the protagonist's love interest is killed by tuberculosis. The closing narrative was burned into my brain and with my unfailingly perfect memory I recalled his monologue.

"_Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months. And then, one not so very special day, I sat down at my typewriter, and I wrote our story…"_

I had no typewriter, nor did I have a tale that much worth telling. The high point of my miserable existence was wrapped up in the porcelain skin of… _her_, and knowing that she'd stay safe as long as I stayed away from was my only comfort. A very, very small comfort.

A low hum filled the air again and I groaned. Alice was positively relentless! I glared down to the vibrating phone and noticed the date for the first time in… I did a quick calculation. If it was already mid-March, I'd been sitting in this place for weeks!! I was oddly surprised but wasn't genuinely startled; mostly I felt a sense of awareness the way one notices if the rain stops after a particularly heavy downpour. Thinking of rain, of course, got me thinking of Forks, and I physically shook my head to clear it of the images that threatened to invade my foremost thoughts. With a huff of exasperation I flipped the phone open for the first time in months— only to see "Call Ended- 57 Missed Calls" appear on my screen. There were also three ignored texts from Rosalie, all of which were in the vein of "When are you going to get over your sulking fit and come home?"

With the gentle pressure of my thumb I dismissed each call and text in turn and resigned myself to push just one more button- Carlisle's speed dial.

"Edward!" His quiet voice was full of relief. I could hear Esme gasp in the background.

"Hello, Carlisle," I said wearily, closing my eyes. I massaged the space between my eyebrows with the fingertips that weren't gingerly holding the phone to my ear.

"I'm so glad you called. It's been a couple of months since we'd heard from you, and Alice has been trying to reach you…" His tone went from relief to reproof as he mentioned my annoyingly persistent sister.

"Yes, I know," I replied dryly. "But I really just need…" I considered my words before re-phrasing myself earnestly. "I _want_… to be left alone right now."

"I understand what you need," Carlisle acknowledged, "but 'right now' is turning into months. Your mother has been worried about you."

I could imagine the scene- Carlisle behind his desk while Esme sat perched on the edge of the armrest, hungry for every word; I could picture his eyes flickering up to meet hers as he told me of her missing me. The pain was more than I could bear and I was about to speak when Carlisle continued from where he'd left off.

"_Everyone_ is worried about you, son. Even Rosalie. And Tanya's been so restless she's pacing a trench into the living room floor, and—"

"Tanya's with you?" I asked, surprise saturating through the deadness I felt.

"Well... we're with her. Them, actually. We came back to Alaska a while ago…" I could hear the sheepishness creep into his voice, "almost as a sort of summit. A meeting, if you will, concerning you."

The surprise died. I felt my face harden and tried to sound as polite as possible.

"Carlisle, the last thing you need to do is concern yourself with me. I'm fine. In fact, that's why I called- to let you know I'm fine."

"Edward," he said, the first hints of paternal sternness in his voice. "You're the farthest thing from fine I've ever seen. Or heard, rather," he amended.

"Give me the phone," I heard Esme plead softly.

Oh no.

I'd been on my self-appointed exile for long enough to have developed a comfortable numbness, a buffer of forced indifference and dullness against any intense emotion and the yawning, cavernous void I felt had been excavated in my chest, but having to force my cold logic onto someone like Esme? Not even someone _like_ Esme, but Esme herself? I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was an eight-hundredth of a millisecond away from hanging up before I heard her plaintive inquiry come through the speaker.

"Edward?" she breathed hesitantly. Carlisle was utterly unfair.

I grimaced at the pain in her voice.

"Hello Esme," I finally exhaled.

"Oh Edward," she said, in the closest thing to a sob I'd ever heard.

Whatever broken pieces were left of my heart were now being ground to dust.

"Yes, Esme," I sighed.

"We're so worried about you! Why don't you come home? Haven't you thought about maybe—"

"I need more time," I cut in sharply. I didn't even want to _think_ of what she could have possibly been about to say. If even the thought of Forks sliced me open, there would be nothing left of me if I allowed myself to think of… her…

Again I shook my head against the pain that hovered mere inches away from my fractured heart. "I need more time," I repeated, softer this time, but only silence came from the other end.

"If that's what you really need," she whispered, hurt.

I groaned internally at the knowledge that my absence was causing Esme pain. After a beat, I replied honestly, my voice raw, "I don't know what I need, Esme."

"It's me again," Carlisle said simply.

I said nothing.

"The reason Alice has been trying to reach you… is because she found out. She knows who she is. Or, who she was, rather…"

I sat up straighter and my eyes opened in surprise. "You mean when she went back to Mississippi?"

"Yes. She's been trying to reach you, to tell you. It is a rather monumental occasion, but celebrating without you here seems… empty."

I could hear the grief he was trying to hide leak through his voice, but I knew what going back would do to me. Eventually they'd come to the conclusion that I needed to be with Bella, and perhaps they'd even send me to her on my own if for no other reason than to keep her away from as much of my world as possible. But I wasn't going to do that to my family. I wouldn't tear them apart like that.

I ignored the voice in my head that told me I already was. In silence I stared at the rectangle of orange light on the floor from the setting sun. The "comfortable numbness" I'd felt was shattered, and the pieces of my façade were pressing into my mind like sharp edges of glass.

"Carlisle," I finally said, "I'm… beyond thrilled for Alice. I really am. But I'm also doing just fine on my own. I'm beginning to think that staying alone might be the best solution for me. I'm not sure how broken I am, but I don't want to place my emotional burdens on you. Frankly I'm not in the mood to be surrounded by a chirpy bunch of people trying too hard to cheer me up. And I'm not enthusiastic about the prospect of Rosalie badgering me about sulking every fifteen seconds either. I don't need to be around all of you when I'm this… broken."

"I am a doctor, Edward," he half-joked. "Fixing broken people is part of my job description."

I refused to make light of my situation. "I'm not a person, Carlisle," I replied bitterly.

He sobered quickly. "Edward, just give us—"

"I have to go, Carlisle." And I pressed "end" before he could say anymore.

**OK I'll spill- I just got home from a weekend out of town and I'm superrrrrr tired. I probably shouldn't upload while I'm this tired but I know y'all have been waiting so here ya go. LOL If you see any typos or anything, leave me a review & let me know so I can fix it ASAP. So far the only squiggly red line I see is under the word "Vieja" but... yeah. (= Thanks in advance for being my lil grammar checkers! (=**


	15. Blackout

**MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!! (= I considered using Stephenie Meyer's Extra as a basis for this chapter, but I thought that if I really wanna make this mine I'm going to go 100% with it. The only thing I kept was the dialogue, and I modified it a bit. You can check out SM's original EPOV one-shot here: **

**stepheniemeyer(dot)com/pdf/nm_extras_rosalie(dot)pdf**

**Hope you like it!!**

**Chapter 14: Blackout**

I stared at my phone in contemplation, my lips pursed. A soft, steady beep sounded every few seconds and the "Warning: Low Battery!" message flashed repeatedly on the screen. I sighed. I didn't enjoy the idea of leaving my sanctuary, but I wasn't too keen on being up here without a way to be contacted should something truly go wrong. I made a monumental effort to rise, shake the dust off my clothes and try to smooth out the folds of my shirt that had settled into hard ridges. I shook my head at my appearance but my self-disgust was short-lived when it came to my clothing.

Once I was standing I felt an odd stiffness in the front of my pants. I checked my front pockets and was, to my embarrassment, surprised to find my credit cards and identification still on my person. I had completely forgotten I even had means of acquiring funds, but the relief outweighed any other thoughts.

I slipped out the window and dropped with hardly a sound into the alley below, completely unprepared for the vicious flame of thirst that roared like an acid burn up my throat once I was so pressingly confronted with the humans around me. I staggered back and did my best to hold my breath, but I knew that I would have to hunt soon if I was going to stay for any greater length of time. It would be infinitely easier to blend in with my black eyes, however, and I was semi-grateful for the film of dust that covered me. My usual lack of melanin would have been too easily noticed and remembered here. With this layer of grime on my skin I could almost pass for a living human… almost.

I ghosted through the night to an electronics store and quickly paid for a charger compatible with my cell phone. Once I had returned to the tenement building, I launched the phone and its charger into the attic with perfect precision before shrinking into the shadows. If the noise drove either the old woman or her son to investigate the attic at last, they would simply realize nothing was there and then hopefully continue to forget about it for months to come.

I stood in the alleyway, briefly contemplating my options. Spaces near the rivers on this continent usually had the most wildlife while being some of the least-populated, and I didn't want to take a chance of some stray human's scent catching my attention while I hunted. I doubted I had the self-control to turn my attention from animal blood to the undeniable lure of human blood should it cross my path. With my mind made up, I began making my way north towards the jungle around the Rio Tocantins.

The scent of a jaguar near Goiás, however, stopped my intentions to continue my hunt farther north. I made short work of the animal, perhaps being a little more vicious than usual in what might have been a subconscious attempt to reassure myself that I was just as strong as ever. The rush of wet heat was over too soon to be truly quenching. I abandoned my plans of searching for a meal near the Tocantins and decided to hunt near the Maranhão River instead.

The flash of a panther's recognizable fur along the riverbanks was like a beacon, and oddly it made me think of some friends Carlisle had acquired even farther north and west, near the Amazon River... I shook the thought of going to meet them out of my head almost as soon as I received it. The idea that Carlisle had heard from Zafrina, Kachiri, and Senna recently was absurd; the chances that they'd heard from him recently were even more absurd. Showing up, unannounced and uninvited, was a sure way to not only be cast into their poor graces but would also unfairly tarnish Carlisle's pristinely polite reputation. Of course thinking of Carlisle only depressed me, so out of pure necessity I focused on my prey and planned my strategies to leap from the canopy onto the panther's back. I had to be careful up here… the branches in these trees were teeming with life forms that could give away my location to the beast I hunted.

Once the carcass was drained I stood, numbly. A small waterfall was splashing noisily and I felt as though my thoughts were like the water- liquid and shapeless, and any unpleasant imaginings were no more of an obstacle to my mind than a rock was to the bubbling river nearby. My thoughts would swirl around or roll over or split and re-form one stream around whatever it was, continuing on their unknown path until they were absorbed by the greedy earth.

I had turned around to begin my trek back to the tenement building even before I realized my body had moved at all. The comfortable numbness I had created around myself earlier had returned, for which I was thankful.

Once I was back in my tenement attic—and I was right, it was just as undisturbed as before—I leaned against the rough wall and slid to the floor. I grasped the phone charger and plugged it into one of the outlets in the wall, pushed the other end into my phone, then tossed it onto the floor with a soft clatter as I sat back and sighed. I supposed at some point, I _would_ have to look into making more permanent arrangements for myself….

I had become a sort of creature who was fast losing touch with any trace of the humanity I had so desperately clung to for the past hundred-odd years of my vampire existence. The numbness was almost blissful, were it not for the struggle to keep my thoughts on safe, stupid things. The rats that shared my crawlspace scurried about undisturbed, and with a minor effort of will I allowed my mind to empty of all thought.

Three hours later, a loud, sharp buzzing sound zinged through the air and was followed by a pop, and the throbbing sound of a massive electrical current dying out groaned into the night. Then, one by one, the city lights began blinking out. As the electricity died, the people's voices grew louder. It was only 9:30; throngs of nightclub-goers across the city spilled into the streets, murmuring soft cries of protest. The darkness swept over the city and left all of metropolitan Rio de Janeiro in a complete blackout.

I almost laughed at the situation. It seemed to mock me! All spark, all life and light gone from this rather technologically sound, sprawling, urban center of tourism, culture, and humanity. Stupidly I thought for a moment that perhaps it was my fault- that plugging in my phone to charge had greedily drained the city's electricity in a selfish, heedless gulp. In my need for electrical power, I had stolen the life from all electric currents in the city. Ah, but now I was being ridiculous again. I sighed and shook my head.

The darkness was thick and cloaking; I felt it almost tangibly. I expertly tuned out the people's grumblings and angry objections until they became a sort of dull roar. The city-wide blackout was much akin to how I felt without Bella- empty, still, and cold. Useless. Aimless. Meaningless. And the worst part, perhaps, was that it was my own fault.

The thought hit me like a slap in the face.

I don't know what was worse- actually thinking her name for the first time in so long, or the epiphany that I had left Bella. I had deserted her. All of the dangers I had considered her threatened by, dangers I had considered period, were still out there. They'd _been_ out there. And here I was, like a fool, thinking I could take the bizarre place over her shoulder like some dark guardian angel…? What was wrong with me??

As I sat in the dark, wretched and miserable, I asked myself- What was I doing, really? Wasting away like some short-sighted melodramatic poet or a naïve child for… I glanced at my phone to check the date and felt a twinge of guilt that it was now fully charged. Another week had gone by since I last looked. Perhaps Rosalie was right. I really did seem to be shoulder-deep in a sulking fit, didn't I? With a sigh, I remembered her declaration from that long-ago afternoon in Mississippi.

"_But you can't always protect her, Edward," Rosalie had said matter-of-factly. "There are always going to be others like Laurent and Victoria out there."_

I considered her words. The very same catalyst that had prompted me to seek out Victoria in the first place was now turning over in my head. Suppose there were other problems out there- not just ones like Victoria and Laurent or even monsters such as myself, but other, more minor threats? Was it not just last year I had contemplated all the many things that could go wrong with a human? Diseases, natural disasters, accidents… The echo of Tyler Crowley's van screeching as it slid across the slick black ice sounded in my memory. Perhaps… perhaps…

A new idea was forming.

What if I did go back? Painful as it was, I was honest enough with myself to realize the possibility that…_she_… had probably moved on, but I took this in stride as another advantage to help my situation. I could stay in the shadows, always following but never followed, as I kept watch over her from a distance. Perhaps I could ensure her safety anonymously. Again, being honest with myself, I knew the pain would be almost intolerable, but I was in just as much agony here as I'm sure I would be there, and at least in Forks I could an eye on her…

Several things were popping into my head at once. Family, for one. I would make Esme happier and bring myself back into Carlisle's high esteem. I would have the chance to congratulate and celebrate with Alice properly. I wouldn't ask them to return to Forks with me, no, but being in the continental U.S. would undoubtedly have its advantages in terms of being available to visit and stay connected. Could I do it? Could I really do it?

"No," I whispered to myself. I slumped over and brought my knees to my chin. I couldn't do it. Not if I was being really, truly honest. Only moments ago I had scoffed at the concept of becoming the inverted idea of her guardian angel; I knew it would only be a matter of time before I let my presence there become known… some "slip" that would clue her in to the fact that I had returned. And I had promised it would be as though I'd never existed, promised her a chance at happiness. I couldn't give her the happiness she deserved. I couldn't allow the soul of my own personal sun to match the ever-nocturnal shade of my own. My soul, if there was such a thing, was as black as the Brazilian night I sat in: completely pitch-black darkness. A void. A Blackout.

When the phone buzzed _again_ I ground my teeth in irritation. It had been going off almost every hour for the whole day! I was beyond caring what the inhabitants of this neighborhood would care if they saw my phone reduced to a smashed pile of plastic and silicone on the street below, and gripped the unwelcome device tightly. I had every intention of rearing back and letting it fly with all of my frustration when the number blinking on the screen stopped me.

Puzzled, I brought my arm down to stare at the screen. Why on earth would Rosalie be calling me now? She'd stopped attempting to contact me months ago, and I'd thought perhaps she was too stubbornly angry to acknowledge my presence ever again. Unless something was wrong… My chest tightened with the first true feelings of anxiety I'd felt in months as I flipped the phone open and answered it with a mixture of breathlessness and frustration.

"Yes?" I asked tersely.

"Amazing!" she replied sarcastically. "The Elusive Edward actually picked up his phone. I'm flattered!"

I rolled my eyes. Her voice was just annoying enough to remind me _why_ I'd been ignoring her to begin with. So nothing was wrong, she was simply being her irritating self. Why she would call me now, except to gloat over my misery, was beyond me. I huffed and shut the phone, softly growling "Just go away!" to the empty attic.

Of course, she immediately redialed me.

I groaned. Knowing Rosalie, I would probably end up spending who-knew-how-long playing this stupid game of hers. Perhaps she was just bored? I ground my teeth and found my lip curling back in a snarl. Maybe I should let her do it, then, just to deny her the satisfaction of getting under my skin…

My mind said reproachfully, "She's already under your skin…"

I sighed. The small voice of reason in my head was right. I took one more deep breath, and made a bargain with myself. One chance- I'd give her one chance to tell me why she felt the need to bother me so mercilessly, and then I was tossing the damn phone out the window.

I hit "talk" on the third ring. "Let's get this over with. What do you want?" I asked rudely.

She blurted out, "I just thought you should know Alice went back to Forks!"

I blinked. "Excuse me?" I asked tonelessly.

"Well, you know Alice- little Miss Know-it-All. Heh," she laughed nervously, "kind of like you…" Her voice trailed off and she sounded apprehensive suddenly, as if she'd forgotten the reason she had called and was simply talking nonsense just to keep me on the line.

My irritation with her was largely overshadowed by my sudden fury with Alice. She'd promised- _promised_ me she would leave Bella alone!! She had sworn to stay out of her life, just as I would! Just as I had promised! My fists, clenched in anger, slowly released. I _had_ promised. But hadn't I only just this afternoon debated about going back? Maybe Alice had seen my hesitation, had seen it was only a matter of time…

But no. Absolutely not. NO! My fists tightened again and I sat up straight.

"Um… Edward? Are you still there?" Rosalie asked timidly.

I didn't respond. I couldn't. I was shaking with anger, staring at the mildewed boards in the corner and trying to shake the all-too-alluring memories of Bella from my mind. My fingertips found their way to the bridge of my nose and squeezed.

"Hello-o-o!" Rosalie said, less timid now. She reminded me of an annoyingly stereotypical "valley girl". "Do you even want to know what she's doing out there?"

"No, not really," I retorted.

I could hear her make a satisfied noise from her throat, no doubt pleased she'd managed to finally elicit a reaction from me.

"I mean, it's not as though she's breaking any rules. You only told us to keep our distance from Bella, right? So that would mean the rest of Forks isn't off limits."

I slowly sat back as my brain tried to process what she was saying. This was a surprise… Had Bella left Forks? This was… unexpected. I noticed irrelevantly that my breathing had stopped, and shook myself slightly as I made myself inhale. The only logical place she could be was Florida, with her mother… Suddenly it occurred to me that perhaps Bella really had moved on and I didn't know what to feel. A pinprick of jealousy struck me as I realized a tiny part of me didn't _want_ her to move on.

My throat constricted.

Another nervous giggle sounded from the phone as Rosalie continued, "And you don't have to be angry with Alice."

"Rosalie, why exactly did you call me? If you're not trying to make things difficult for Alice, I don't see what else you could possibly hope to gain except to bother me!"

I exhaled in frustration and was on the verge of hanging up on her again when she cried out, "Wait! I didn't call you to make trouble for Alice!!"

"Then why don't you hurry up and tell me why you _did_ call, so you can leave me in peace!" I said through clenched teeth.

"Um… Well… because…" she stammered.

"Rosalie," I warned, "you have exactly ten seconds. What. Do. You want?"

"I _want_ you to come back!" she burst out. "I am so sick of Carlisle looking so glum all the time, and Esme never smiles anymore! It's like she's in mourning! You ought to feel disgraced for what you've done to our family. Emmett walks around moping all the time and it's really starting to get irritating. You've got a family; why don't you put your big boy pants on and stop being so selfish?"

"Oh, fascinating advice, Rosalie," I bit back acidly. "Perhaps you've never heard a little story of a pot and a kettle, hm? I could tell it to you."

"Oh grow up! I'm actually thinking about someone _besides_ myself, whether or not you realize it. I mean can't you at least consider Esme? You know she loves you more than any of us combined, and I know you know it! You should come back."

I couldn't reply. What Rosalie had said about Esme and Carlisle cut me to the core.

"I really thought you'd get over the whole Forks thing, once all was said and done," she said.

"My problem was never with Forks," I explained, trying to sound patient. I took another deep breath and forced the next words out. "Bella's moving to Florida has nothing to do with my…" I exhaled in exasperation- although whether it was with myself for being so wretched without Bella, or with Rosalie making me justify myself, I wasn't sure. "Rosalie, look- I'm sorry, I really am. But I promise you, if I _was_ up there, I wouldn't be making anyone happier. Believe me." I felt like I was experiencing déjà vu from my conversation with Carlisle days earlier.

"Uh… Edward…" she stammered again. Why was she hesitating? What if… Was something wrong with Carlisle or Esme? What was she not saying? I voiced my concerns aloud, but she brushed them aside impatiently.

"Nothing's wrong with them, Edward," she said. She still sounded entirely too anxious, but it seemed as though she were trying to take the patient tone this time. "I didn't call you to… I mean… I never said that Bella _moved..._"

Her words hung in the air, and then she was silent. I was confused.

I thought through our conversation… Bella wasn't in Forks, but… she hadn't moved? Before I could think through things properly she was speaking again, almost chastising.

"No one wanted to say anything," she said angrily, "but that's completely asinine in my opinion. The sooner you deal with this, the faster you can come home we can be a family again. Why should you sit in some godforsaken slum when you don't have to? It's done. You can come back, and things can go back to normal."

If any synapses could still fire in my brain, I was sure they'd stopped. Nothing was making sense. I didn't understand what Rosalie was prattling on about.

"You still there?"

"I don't… understand. What are you talking about, Rosalie?"

There was a pause.

"Edward, Bella's dead."

I blinked, and the pause was longer this time.

"I… I am sorry. But I thought you have the right to be told. She… she jumped off a cliff. Alice saw it but … by the time she did it was too late to do something about it. I really do think she would have broken your agreement, though, and gone back sooner if she could have helped. As it is the reason she's back in Forks now is because of Charlie. She went to do what she can for him; you know he's always been a favorite of hers—"

Rosalie's babbling voice cut off abruptly, and I realized I'd turned the phone off. I stared at it without seeing it, the city-wide blackout having no effect on my damned perfect vision. My mind was completely still. I sat for a long moment before bringing my finger to press the speed-dial button I had _sworn_ to myself I would never, ever press again. If Charlie answered, I would find out what I needed to know quickly and subtly. If Bella answered, I would simply hang up. Either way, I would pull the plug on Rosalie's little convoluted prank and continue my negative existence.

A voice I had never heard before greeted my ears huskily. "Swan residence."

I lowered my pitch and set a cadence to my words that mimicked Carlisle's flawlessly. "May I please speak with Chief Swan? This is Doctor Carlisle Cullen."

The voice answered in what was almost a snarl, "He isn't here."

"Well then," I said a trifle impatiently, "where is he?"

There was a brief pause, as if the voice on the other end was contemplating whether or not I deserved to know. "He's at the funeral," he finally said grudgingly.

I closed the phone slowly and sat in the dark.

_Funeral._

Rosalie's voice from minutes ago echoed in my mind.

"_Edward, Bella's dead."_

_Dead._

_Funeral._

_Dead._

_Bella…._

It was at that moment I realized my mind hadn't gone completely still- it had been spinning, spinning sickeningly, wildly out of control, and was only just now slowing down, settling. Settling. The words settled in my chest with an almost audible sound.

It was strange, that dark moment. Suddenly, everything was piercingly clear, as if time had stopped just for me, just to give me the chance to take the time to see every particle of dust in the air, every fiber of every board in the floor, every crack in the window, every star in the night sky. It lasted for one eternal second before it all came crashing down.

Bella was dead.

And my life was not changed, no. It was over.

**By the time you guys read this it'll be after Dec. 25th but I did finish writing it before midnight, I just had to edit it. Technically that counts, right? (= And for those of you whose perverted minds were oh so gloriously in the gutter when you read about the "stiffness in the front of Edward's pants", (shout out to my NMM girls!!) that's as close as this fic can get to a lemon considering it's New Moon. I actually have a blossoming idea for a new fic that might actually get an M rating, depending on where I go with it. We'll see. (; Please review. **


	16. Deliberation

**A/N: Okay so I've basically given up on keeping this story in line with the book to the point of matching chapter for chapter. I'm supposed to be on Ch. 18, and maybe it's because I'm not a big fan of filler, or was just too busy to come up with any… wedding's in 2 weeks … Oh my gosh. I'm getting married in 2 weeks. OH MY GOSH. *hyperventilates* Eek! Okay… sorry about that. Minor freakout LOL. Anyway!! Really though, I don't feel like doing 3 chapters' worth of filler to catch up. So I'm just going to let things play out and if I end up not making it to 24 Chapters like SM did, then oh well. (= If anything it makes this story **_**that**_** much more "mine". I hope you'll at least stick around for as long as I've got left; this is pretty much the beginning of the end, you know!**

**Chapter 15: Deliberation**

"Obrigado, Senhor… Masen…" The dark-haired girl behind the ticket counter looked up and just stared at me, truly seeing me for the first time since I had come to the airport. She blinked as she tentatively held my credit card out to me, which I quickly took back and replaced in my pocket.

"Obrigada," I replied, giving her a curt smile. She probably didn't see a lot of people slap down $4,000 for a last-minute trip to Pisa that often, but I couldn't care less what she or anyone else thought at that point.

After getting confirmation from the young man who answered Charlie's phone, I could hardly think. The implications of a young man at Charlie's house brought on thoughts I didn't even attempt entertain. Bella was dead? The thought alone made me heartsick. I knew, from the depths of my being, there was no living in a world where she did not exist. I recalled the conversation I had had with her in Charlie's living room about the very subject; it was not possible. I couldn't survive without knowing she still breathed, and if Bella's life on this earth was over then there was only one logical conclusion- for my life to end as well. I took such a pitifully small measure of comfort in knowing that she was undoubtedly in heaven. Her soul was as pure and sweet as anything I'd ever encountered, and even though I had my doubts about my ability to join her in her peace, all I could do was take my meager amount of relief for her eternal happiness. I had found myself whispering the words out loud to her… "Be happy," I'd managed to choke out.

And then I had stood up abruptly in my dank attic room, heedless of whom or what could hear or see me when I burst through the window, shattering glass in every direction, and hit the ground running half a block away. I didn't even stop to call Rosalie back or Alice for more information, I had simply flung my phone into a waste bin on the corner and headed northeast as far as I could run, after which I merely dove into the water to swim straight to the airport. I was still dripping and slightly damp when I reached the counter and rasped out that I needed to leave immediately for Pisa, Italy, considering Volterra itself had no airport. I had debated flying into Florence instead; the two cities were roughly equidistant to Volterra but Pisa was more of a direct route, and I wanted nothing of the least trivial deterrence to stand between me and my necessary termination.

I was unaffected by the sight of the Atlantic Ocean rushing by underneath me, neither impatient nor content. I knew I was headed to my death, and that was all that mattered. It was not an issue of satisfaction. It was truth. There were no other options. All of the contingency plans I had laid out a year ago had come rushing back to me. Aro would no doubt be surprised to see me, Marcus would probably be indifferent, but I was counting on Caius. His concept of justice was more akin to vengeance, but I knew his streak of malice would only benefit me now.

The layover in Madrid was thankfully only twenty minutes long. I didn't have to think too much as I made my way to the connecting flight that would bring me to Pisa's Galileo Galilei Airport, and I used the time between flights to reserve a rental car from a payphone. Things were falling into place so easily I felt as though this _had_ to be the right choice. Everything I did from now on, every step I took closer to Volterra, was so effortless it reassured me that ending my existence was truly the proper thing to do.

I was still undecided if I should be killed quickly or slowly… I _wanted_ to be eliminated swiftly, of course, but part of me felt that a slow death might be more appropriate, considering the havoc I'd wrought on the world I lived in. It hadn't started with Bella- all my years of rebellion, the people I had killed, the unnecessary stress I had placed on my family… I rationed that I deserved at least some measure of punishment. But that decision wasn't in my hands, thankfully. Of course there was always the possibility they could deny me my request, but I contented myself with the knowledge that regardless of how or when, I wouldn't be on this Bella-less planet for very much longer. I knew their laws as well as any vampire did; I would find a way to force their hand.

Once my plane landed and I made my way to the terminal exit, I noticed a bored-looking man, standing near the baggage claim and holding a sign with my name on it. I was three steps into making my way towards him when he turned to speak to another waiting driver, and I noticed the flashing, metallic glint of gold from a ring on the man's left hand from the fluorescent lights. A wedding ring.

I'd had dreams once… faint ones. Dreams of dreams, really… I'd entertained little flights of fancy in which Bella would look at me— truly seeing me— and smile. I would take her soft, fragile hand in mine, kneel to the ground, and her eyes would lock onto mine, never leaving… never leaving… I would ask her a question that is even older than I am. I would ask it sweetly, softly, sincerely, and in my fantasies she would answer me with one word that would make my heart soar- "Yes." My Bella would say yes to me, she would say yes to me forever, and no loss of life would be involved. But she wasn't my Bella… she hadn't been for months, and her life was already lost. She would never say yes to me. She would never say anything ever again. And it was my fault… my fault…

The lump in my throat made it nearly impossible to breathe, my hands were trembling with emotion, and I didn't even think. I simply took off running, past the crowds, through the doors, and across the busy Italian streets beyond. And then I kept running. I ran and ran, and I would keep running until I reached Volterra. I didn't care who did see me. _Or doesn't see me_, I mentally amended, _considering it's nearly dusk_. At this rate, I'd reach the city by early evening. It was enough time, I figured, to garner a meeting with the Volturi Court. The running itself was productive and gave me the sense of action, that I was _doing_ something, something driving couldn't have offered me because driving wouldn't be good enough. The car wouldn't be good enough. Nothing was good enough… I wasn't good enough. I had never _been_ good enough… I tried to swallow past the new tightness in my throat, and kept running.

I didn't really have a clue as to what I would be asking for once I achieved my audience with Aro, Caius, and Marcus. Perhaps they wouldn't even have time to see me, and I also had to consider that they might not want to see me, regardless of my business in their hallowed region. Should that occur, I was prepared to do anything to get their attention. Go on a destructive rampage in the city, killing everyone in sight. No doubt _that_ would provoke the guard, but perhaps it would be a good thing. If I attempted to attack them, I would only die that much faster. Of course, if I wanted to be particularly vicious, I could try and expose them for what they are, as well… something that would reveal our inhumanity… Toss a car though the city wall, perhaps? But one thing at a time. I had to reach Volterra first, and I was still roughly twelve miles away.

They went by in a rush and I hardly would have noticed the change in my surroundings, even coming from the lush green of the rolling Tuscan countryside into the stone and terracotta curves of Volterra, were it not for the abrupt splash of crimson everywhere. Lit by the last remnants of sunset and the first few flickering streetlights, there were blood-red banners in every doorway, scarlet streamers from the lamp posts, vermilion bunting on the valences and doorposts of practically each and every edifice in the town. I stopped short, amazed, and realized in a single blink that I had arrived in Volterra one day prior to their annual St. Marcus Day festival. Marcus, one of our kind, a saint! I shook my head in wonder as I stared, then shuddered as I remembered that he was one-third of the point of my visit to this cinnamon-tinted town. It was only too fitting that I should be here now. They'd be even more uptight about protecting their precious reputation as a Vampire-free city, and that helped my chances of them destroying me before I went rogue.

I saw two light-grey clad forms flit away on my right, while one advanced from my left. Their guard was out in full force today, and I concentrated on the vampire who made his way toward me now.

_Who is _that??_ Looks rough… I hope this foreigner is aware he's not welcome now… !!!_

His thoughts became wordless shock as he registered the color of my eyes.

_How peculiar! What does this mean? Won't trust it… Can't trust it…_

"You there!" he called out. He was still several yards away, but close enough for me to hear him over the voices of the townsfolk who were milling about. I turned my head slightly in his direction. "What business have you here?" he barked.

I stared at him blankly, my eyes resting on the Volturi Crest pendant he wore. I wondered if I were to turn away before his very eyes and grab the first human I found, if he would end me now. I glanced to my right at a mother holding her young child's hand, on their way to a bakery for the evening meal. My eyes found the child's sweet, trusting face, and lingered on her small, retreating form as she and her mother entered the small pastry and coffee shop down the street. With my gaze still fixed on the door they had just entered, I replied to the Volturi pawn absently, "I'm here because I desire an audience with your high court."

His eyes narrowed in suspicion. "_Do_ you?" he sneered. "Strangers don't just waltz into Volterra and demand meetings with our leaders unless they're either obnoxiously arrogant or looking for trouble. What do you want with—"

I ignored his demand as my ears picked up on the swish of fabric and the thoughts of one of the senior guard coming up to us.

_Well, well… look who we have here… A desolate, pathetic looking wastrel here for the festivities? This could be fun…_

"I'll take it from here, Simon," I heard a deep voice behind me say. A shiver of fear ran through the cloaked vampire next to me, and he nodded meekly before dashing away gratefully. I turned to study this new interruption.

The eyes matched the timbre of this one's thoughts- cold and intense.

His cloak was darker grey, almost charcoal, and he wore the same heavy Volturi Crest pendant on a thick chain. He studied me in turn, while his mind worked quickly and efficiently to try to figure me out. I stood in silence while he considered me, taking in my disheveled clothing and near-black eyes. There were stray flecks of ochre in my irises, but you couldn't tell unless you were looking for them- and this one was.

_Odd… he stands so still; he looks so defeated. His mind seems to be completely resigned to something. Strange eyes, no hint of red whatsoever, just some stray streaks of what looks like… beige? We could have a quiet trouble-maker on our hands. Take care of him now, or let Aro deal with him? He isn't going anywhere, not if I can help it, but he seems to be determined to see the Court. Perhaps I _should_ let Aro see him after all…_

I continued to stand still before him while he continued his musings. Considering the traits I possessed that he was taking stock of, I could tell that this vampire was a very, _very_ powerful tracker…

"An audience with the High Court, you said?" he finally asked aloud.

"Yes," I dead-panned. "My surname is Cullen, if that makes any difference," I remarked off-handedly. Perhaps he'd heard one of the Volturi hierarchy mention Carlisle in passing and the name would mean something significant to him, although at this point it was becoming almost unbearable The world had actually become a hollow echoing shadow of what it was, since I'd found out Bella was gone… I glanced up to take in the guard's height. He was large enough to do away with me quickly. Would it speed things along if I provoked him?

Right then he nodded with deliberation. "Come with me. I'm Demetri. I'll admit you to their chambers but there's no telling what they'll do to you. You look like you haven't fed in weeks," he noted. He turned to walk down a twisting, crowded alley.

I couldn't help but smile to myself. "I haven't," I replied as I followed him into the dim. "Nourishment has not exactly been on the top of my 'to-do' list as of late."

"Mmm," Demetri replied, raising his eyebrows as he glanced over his shoulder at me.

As we walked over the cobble-stones, I kept my mind focused on Demetri's thoughts. If I wasn't so apathetic, I would have found his mind fascinating. He could pick out literally anyone in the city, even the country, and was doing so at that very moment. He would switch from mind to mind like radio frequencies, never actually hearing the person's thoughts, just their flavor; their… essence. Carlisle would no doubt be intrigued, but as it was, I simply followed Demetri deeper into the heart of Volterra.

He came to a halt before a building with a sign in front that read:

"PALZZO DE SAN MARCO  
MUSEO E NEGOZIO DI REGALO  
Giri oggi finché Venerdi"

and, in smaller letters underneath,

"ST. MARCUS PALAZZO  
MUSEUM AND GIFT SHOP  
TOURS TODAY THRU FRI"

I was surprised when he stopped in front of the gift shop. With a flash of a smile, Demetri glanced around quickly and then disappeared through a side entrance labeled "NESSUN'ENTRATA- NO ENTRY". I followed him swiftly, slipping behind him before the door swung shut. The building's interior was heated against the chill of the oncoming night, and I could hear several voices from the hallway beyond- vampire and human. It was puzzling, but only mildly so. I was impatient to finally reach Aro, Caius, and Marcus after all this long time.

After a series of stairs and another stone corridor, Demetri told me to wait just on the other side of a set of large, wooden double doors. I inclined my head in agreement, and he went in to what appeared to be a sort of turret, shutting the door solidly behind him.

I could feel the respect for Aro radiating from Demetri's mind as he bowed low before their chairs.

"You have a visitor, Aro," Demetri announced.

"A visitor?" I heard a paper-thin voice exclaim.

_Odd, I expected no one today…_ the mind behind the Voice pondered.

Another mind was lively behind the doors- a suspicious, working mind. _Visitor? Who could it be? What do they want? We don't get 'visitors' here…_ And I felt almost nauseated as this second mind began to remember a mass slaughter of innocents that had taken place just days before, in that very room. Whoever was behind this active mind was, no doubt, enjoying the memories of their screams…

Another person in the room gave a mental sigh… a sigh that was an odd mix of restlessness and anticipation. Female. Old, from what I could tell, almost as old as Carlisle. She seemed to be standing completely still, yet if she had been human I could almost imagine her studying her nails or some such behavior, as if in boredom.

I had no other time to study the others in the room, as I heard Aro exclaim sharply, "Cullen, you say? Why did you not bring him in immediately? Bring him in now, bring him now!"

The door was pushed open and a hand came out to grab my arm. I followed without resistance into the circular stone chamber, and found myself, finally, standing before the Volturi High Court at midnight on Saint Marcus Day.

I recognized the black-cloaked Aro, Marcus, and Caius immediately from the painting hanging in Carlisle's study. _Carlisle,_ I thought, pained. But it wouldn't do to think of my family now. As terrible as it sounded, my love for Bella far outweighed any attachment to my family. If she was gone, I would do everything in my power to join her in her absence from this world, even if I was damned from joining her in eternal peace. I squared my shoulders and faced the leaders of the most powerful coven in the world.

Aro sat completely still, only his eyes wide and blazing with curiosity as his breath came in quick little excited bursts.

"So," he smiled genially. "This must be the young Master Cullen that Demetri was speaking of! How wonderful!" His eyes flickered to the door and I noticed Demetri had taken his place on one side of the door, across from another vampire whose eyes were unmistakably hostile. _Why's this Cullen boy so special? We don't need any more members of our guard and if he's got any talent there's no doubt Aro will want to recruit him… _The blistering anger radiating from his eyes as he ground his teeth only encouraged me- if they were already this agitated, it should take very little time to convince them to do away with me.

"Felix," Aro cautioned to the vampire who was staring at me in fury. "Behave yourself in front of our guest," he chided.

Felix tore his eyes from mine and dipped his head. "Yes, Master," he replied benignly. But his mind was still just as vicious as he continued to stare at me.

Aro turned his beaming smile on me once more as he sat up a little straighter. "Cullen, he'd said, and I wondered if it could be someone connected to my dear friend Carlisle. Ah, it could be and it is! How is he?"

His request seemed earnest enough, and I found myself telling him of Carlisle's health and well-being, and his successful diet of animal blood alone. I was distracted though, by the keen stare from the vampire on the right.

His eyes were glued to me. The Voice from the churning mind I'd heard before belonged to him, a being paler than any I had seen, even paler than Aro. His fragile appearance was a stark contrast to the cruel thoughts of his mind, and I knew without asking that he had to be Caius. That left the apathetic one on the left to be Marcus, and his mind was a haze of something akin to remorse, but it was foggy.

"But where are my manners?" Aro was asking in mock astonishment as he self-rebukingly tapped his chest. "Surely you are in need of some new clothes, or refreshment perhaps?" Aro asked, thinking of the tour that would be stopping in later in the afternoon, but I was only half paying attention until I could get a word in edgewise. He smiled widely at me as he rose from his chair and extended his hand to me. "Come," he said with his grin lighting up his eyes.

"Aro," I began, "I'm humbled by your attention, but I came to make a request—"

"Come,come," Aro repeated with a bit of impatience, the smile never leaving his face. I sighed and placed my hand in his, to follow wherever he would lead me. I had my thoughts so set on ending my life as soon as possible that I was wholly unprepared for what happened next.

Carlisle had always been very protective of the memories he'd retained from his time with the Volturi. And in all the years that he'd mentioned how Aro was good at reading people, I had no reason in my mind to take that to mean anything but what he'd stated at face value. I had no idea Carlisle had been what he felt was tactfully editing the extent of Aro's capabilities.

_Let's see what this young mind has to reveal_, Aro thought as he gripped my hand in both of his.

And as soon as the synapses fired, he heard his own thoughts repeated from my mind. I heard it, I heard him hearing in from my mind, in his mind. The effect was dizzying- it was a bit like looking in a mirror with a mirror behind you. He could tell that I could read his mind; he'd sensed it the minute he'd heard himself in my thoughts. His milky crimson eyes widened briefly and locked onto mine as I realized he was going through my memories, listening not only to my current thoughts, but all my thoughts. Any thought I'd ever had, was now his…

_WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME, CARLISLE? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!??  
THIRST.  
It'll be alright, Esme… hold on…  
How will we do this? The thirst… I can't take it!  
How can he have me deny what I am?!  
You can run, little rapist scum, but you can't hide…  
Darkness…  
Mine now, and I shall drink you dry…  
I'm so sorry Carlisle… I wonder if he'll forgive me…  
Rosalie Hale!? I know you feel it would have been wasteful, but Rosalie Hale!??  
She _carried_ him, bleeding, all this way? Carlisle will have to be careful, he's already lost a lot of blood for his size…  
Another cold Philadelphia morning…  
What does she mean, she knows who I am? Odd little pixie-like thing…  
Who is _this_? How many must he have slain to garner all those scars! I'll need to be careful around this one…  
Snow.  
I'm sorry, Tanya. Flattered, but sorry. You're just not for me…  
At least it's hardly sunny here…  
God, if you're out there, is this my purgatory? If there was any way to repent for my transgressions, this should tip the scale in my favor at least in some small way…  
Hm. Another new student.  
Isabella Swan, though she's been correcting everyone all day to call her Bella…  
Strange…Has she moved? No… Odd… I can't hear her…  
I can't hear her? Not possible… No, it's not a lie… I really can't hear her! I'll have to watch her extra closely, I suppose…  
BLOOD.  
SWEET.  
DELICIOUS.  
Oh God. The Blood. Sweet, my prey… sssswwweeeeeeeeeettt…  
_  
I flinched, jerking back from Aro as he re-lived the memory of my first encounter with Bella. His grip was unbreakable, though, and he licked his lips and swallowed as he glanced at me, only partially seeing me, as the rest of his mind was occupied by my memories…

_I know what's next- I'll have to kill her. I'll have to. Destroy the evidence. Start on the right? Or left side of the room? NO! Carlisle would be so disappointed; Esme would be heartbroken… Just endure this class… I can change classes…  
BLOOD.  
…Or not. I'll leave. I have to leave!  
Calm.  
Snow.  
Please don't ask me Tanya... Please…  
Who does she think she is? Will she steal my control so easily? NO. I have to go back. I'll go back…  
She can't care for me the way I care… for… her… Love? Love her? I love her… I love her!  
She can't know what I am… I can't tell her.  
Resurrection.  
Happiness, truly.  
Blood…  
NOT HER!  
She knows what I am._

Aro's eyes flashed and his mouth was set in a grim line at that little tidbit, but soon enough his mouth smoothed out as he experienced every one of the rest of my thoughts. The Meadow. Baseball. James and Victoria, and Laurent. Almost losing her. Prom. Summer. Fall. Her birthday… The necessary break-up. Alice's visions. Tracking. Failing. Rio. All of it. At one point, the part in my mental time-line when Aro was seeing our hunt and destruction of James, Marcus lifted his head ever so slightly to stare in my direction. It was as though he was looking through me, and could see the invisible strings that tied me to Bella. It felt more like steel cables had held me, but I supposed he sensed she was dead, as he looked away disinterestedly after a few seconds.

I stood as he continued to read through every thought, and so far it had only taken all of fifteen seconds to get as far as he had. I stood in misery as I watched, in his mind, my sorrow blossom and swell until it erupted out of me at the news that Bella was dead. I heard Aro hiss and felt him recoil as he read my mind's deliberations, and finally understood why I was standing before him.

He let my hand drop and stepped back. He raised an eyebrow at Marcus, who came to stand beside him. He silently pressed his hand to Aro's before releasing it and settling back into his chair.

Aro's chin dipped and his eyebrows raised, but he said nothing. He turned to me. "It seems we have quite the situation on our hands, don't we? An odd request for one so young, yet I wouldn't have believed the bond you have for her if I hadn't sensed it myself," he asked contemplatively. "Brothers," he announced, raising his voice and swinging his head up after letting his eyes linger on me in fascination, "We must council. Our young friend here has lived through quite a bit and it seems he is unhappy with the recent turns his life has taken."

"Really?" Caius spoke for the first time. "Perhaps we could be of help with his situation…" His voice trailed off, hinting at unsaid possibilities. I wish he would have said them. I wish he would have named, out loud, all the ways he could have killed me… I needed it. I needed to die.

"Time will tell, Caius. Patience. Jane is out, guarding the eastern perimeter with Alec. She should be returning in a few hours, but I would much rather she return now until we make our decision. Felix? Demetri?" Aro called out.

"Master?" they both instantly responded.

"Fetch them and have Chelsea relieve them of their posts until I say otherwise, Demetri," Aro ordered. "You, my dear boy," he said to me, "shall stay right here under Felix's watch, here in the Palazzo until they return. In the meantime, my brothers and I shall decide your fate." Demetri disappeared without another word, Felix grinned as he took my arm to lead me from the room, and Aro turned his gaze to me in wonder before turning to his brothers, and then the door was shut.

**It's now 3 am & I'm tired!!! I went over this thing about 4 times but I don't know if I missed anything editing-wise, so if you see a mistake please point it out so I can fix it! What with the wedding coming up so soon idk when I'll get the chance to update again but rest assured I'll be working on it!!**


	17. Death

**Ok, ok… I'm sorry this has taken so long to get to y'all! You guys know all the typical excuses- real life gets in the way, work, church stuff, getting my monthly visitor and feeling like I'm going to die, medical problems, the whole "new marital status" thing… ^_^ (seriously, being a wife is AWESOME!) However. I can't, in good faith, honestly feel like those excuses are anything but just that- excuses. I'm a procrastinator and you guys deserve better than that. I promise I didn't mean for this to turn out like Midnight Sun LOL. So I'm going to crank out the next chapter as fast as possible, considering I have the next couple of days off from work AND I've already got it in my head where I want it to go. I'm hoping I don't let y'all down. Thank you, thank you, THANK you for your patience and dedication… you guys are incredible & I heart you so super much! (=**

**I own a brand new shiny wedding ring. Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight & all its characters. As much as I love all things Twi-related, I think I got the better deal here! (;**

**Chapter 16: Death  
**

Felix was leering at me. There was no other word to describe the look on his face. It was pure, unabashed resentment, cold and calculating.

It had been no more than thirty minutes since I was led away into an anteroom- what appeared to be an office of sorts, really- while Aro and his brothers discussed my fate. I had dropped onto a beige leather couch and briefly took in the decor- thick, forest green carpet, lead crystal vases full of tiger lilies, and oil paintings of the Tuscan countryside that were hung about the room. I didn't bother seeking out their thoughts; the look of anticipation in Aro's eyes before I had left was unmistakable. He wished to see me in one of their cloaks, running hither and thither to do their bidding and enforce the iron grip this most powerful coven had on those such as myself. Perhaps my refusal would stimulate them to kill me out of sheer indignation. I was indifferent. Felix, meanwhile, kept a sardonic eye trained on me as I sat and waited. It seemed that most of my life had been spent in indifference… Another new town- joy. One more false name complete with false identification- how charming. My thoughts drifted to a comparison I had made so many months ago, a mental note that my life was a sort of purgatory I was being forced to endure. I'd had the affection of my family, but no real… _stimulation._ There had been nothing to captivate me. Until Bella.

_Bella._

My jaw clenched and my hands balled themselves into fists as I thought of my stupidity. To have left her, alone… To think she had nothing worth living for to the point that she would fling herself from a cliff and end her life… My self-directed anger was quickly replaced by grief. She was gone. And for the eight-hundred and twelfth time, I was overwhelmed by the realization that it was all my fault. The tension dissipated from my shoulders and I slumped over, my head falling into my hands and my elbows on my knees. I would never criticize Romeo again.

Felix turned a sardonic glance in my direction. With a flicker of amusement, he raised an eyebrow. _Let's see what this little mind reader can do…_

"They say you can hear thoughts. Is this true?"

I kept my eyes on the floor, but my lips pressed into a thin line.

_Pitiful_, he sneered mentally. _Such potential, only to be so affected by a human- a meal on legs! Pitiful._

Abruptly my head snapped up and I snarled at him. To hear the only person in the world who had brought me life in ways I'd never imagined spoken of so crassly was infuriating. A wicked grin spread across his face as he tensed to spring and I was a nanosecond away from throttling his thick neck when a pulse sounded nearby. Involuntarily, my head whipped to the right. _Blood._ Human blood, from a human heart… thick, wet, pulsing… I could feel the venom pooling in my mouth and swallowed quickly, almost ashamed. Felix relaxed and stepped back, a mocking grin hovering at the edges of his lips. I shot a panicked look at him, but he merely returned to his casual stance, hands clasped behind his back and head tilted toward the hallway.

A thin brunette woman walked into the room, flipping through a file with concentration. Felix inclined his head slightly and acknowledged the woman. "Gianna," he smiled.

The woman seated herself behind the desk and smiled coquettishly at Felix. The admiration in her gaze was both in appreciation of Felix's physique and his state of being. She was a human… a human who knew!

_Un giorno.._. _forse_… Her eyes lingered wistfully on my face before she smiled politely and returned to her work.

My eyes flashed up to Felix's face as he grinned tauntingly at me. I looked quickly to Gianna for a second time and then back up to Felix again. She knew! But how? The whole point and purpose of this organization was…

Felix's leering smile was back on his face as he arched a brow in contemptuous amusement.

"As I was saying, with your alleged gifts, you might prove useful to us. I wouldn't count on it, but you should know that those with certain gifts are often encouraged to assist us here in the city." He eyed Gianna meaningfully and his mind was swept up in memories of her charming personality and organizational skills. _With enough time she would make a wonderful assistant to Heidi_… he thought idly. Abruptly he returned his focus to me.

"You'll excuse me for a moment, won't you?" His voice was dripping with false courtesy. I said nothing as he strode to the desk and leaned over to whisper in Gianna's ear.

"Any word?"

She batted her eyelashes flirtatiously and shook her head slightly. "I haven't been told," she replied in a light Italian accent without bothering to lower her voice. She was obviously aware of my ability to hear her voice, let alone her thoughts. "From what I understand, Aro was fetching Alec and Jane to watch for the, the how you say? The results. He will send word by one of them." She glanced at me briefly and her smile grew when she saw Felix grin at her indulgently.

I could hear the acceleration in her heartbeat, the shallowness of her breaths as she stared at Felix. The scent of the thick, hot liquid pulsing through her veins was nearly crippling, it had been so long since I fed. As she moved, I could almost taste her blood in the air. Perhaps there were other humans about the complex? I shook myself slightly and resolutely forced myself to see her as a human being, not a food source.

Her thoughts were again an equal mix of envy and admiration- and she truly believed she would be changed by them if she proved her loyalty long enough. But my focus was interrupted by a door opening as a youthful-looking vampire entered the room. He was barely a boy, yet he carried himself with an air common to the ancients. His manner and movements were odd in one so young in appearance. He had to have been no older than thirteen when he was changed!

Felix's head turned to the boy. "Alec," he acknowledged.

Alec nodded to Gianna and Felix, then turned to me.

"They're ready for you," he announced. He seemed to regard me with the barest trace of curiosity, as if I were an exhibit at a museum or a zoo. _How odd_, he thought noticing the last lingering traces of gold in my irises. _I wonder how my ability would work on this Mind Reader? _

_I wonder which of the Guard Aro _hasn't _informed of my telepathic gifts,_ I thought in exasperation as I grimaced at him. I stood, and Felix gave one last smile to Gianna before raising an eyebrow at me and gesturing that I follow Alec.

Various scenarios and memories began to play out in Alec's mind as he turned to lead me back to the main chamber. I walked behind him with heaviness in my chest, my mind beginning to reel in horror from the mental projections of this young yet ancient one. Alec's ability to numb the minds of his prey was startling. He could effectively shut off any or all of one's senses as he worked simply to torture, to hunt, or in conjunction with another vampire- his sister- to extract information from those whom Aro deemed in need of "a little persuading"… The young girl from his thoughts and memories intrigued me; she was the one Aro had referred to as Jane.

From what Carlisle had told me of Jane, her angelic features were quite possibly her only redeeming quality. She was another ancient who had been changed at a young age, no more than two or three years older than her brother. He hadn't gone into great detail, much as he hadn't when pressed for any other information about his time spent with the Volturi. He'd simply said she was intensely sadistic beneath her charming exterior and nearly impossible to defeat, especially when united with Alec.

It was her charming exterior that I first saw when I re-entered the main room. Jane's thoughts of bloodlust were shockingly aggressive, making it seem to taint the air with its sanguine scent. Her crimson eyes were expressionless, but I could sense she was ready and waiting for any sign from Aro to efficiently make short work of me.

Aro himself was seated in one of the various throne-like chairs on a raised marble platform on the west end of the room. He nodded for Felix to stay near the door and then focused on me.

"My…" he searched delicately for the right term, "brothers… and I have considered your request, young Master Cullen." He shook his head as if saddened by the verdict he was about to deliver, but I saw through his façade. I knew it. They were going to refuse me, to deny my request, and offer me a position with them. "You have to know to destroy you would be a most distasteful chore for us. With your gifts…" His voice trailed off as he gestured to empty air. "It would be such a waste."

I slowly shook my head back and forth, staring at the floor, and noticed for the first time a circular drain near the center of the floor. The floor itself sloped gently in the middle, and I realized with revulsion this was their Feeding Chamber of sorts. The scent of blood I'd perceived in the air wasn't from Jane's memories or the humans around their complex- it was in the room itself!

I would not- could not- ever be one of them!

I stepped back almost involuntarily but Aro caught my hand. He patted it soothingly but I knew he was simply gleaning my mind for information. His eyes flashed to mine with a dangerous glitter, and I felt a sliver of fear quake through me. It was overridden, though, by my resolve.

Aro was looking at me sorrowfully. "Are you sure you don't wish to take your place among us here? You would be so useful," he said wistfully, looking me over. I mentally felt Jane's shock, and although she would never admit it, her indignation stemmed from a deep-rooted jealousy. Alec merely seemed bemused, but Felix appeared to share Jane's sentiments.

The door opened and Caius strode in with Marcus gliding silently after him. They settled into their throne-like chairs. Marcus looked briefly at Aro, but his thoughts were only occupied with a group of tourists that would be arriving that evening for a mass slaughter. I recoiled, swallowing my distaste and effectively severing my link to Aro, and glanced at Caius. He stared at me, smugness all over his face. "_Join or die, Mr. Cullen_," he thought sneeringly.

I looked back to the leader of this strict coven. I would never think of them as a family again. And if things continued down the path they were moving along, I would never think of anything again because I would be dead soon. I didn't care. My world was hollow, meaningless now. Nothing they could offer me would provide a reason to live. Nothing but my Bella would ever give me that. She was gone, and the only thing left for me to do was to follow after her as soon as I could. I looked Aro squarely in the face and answered with a level "No."

A maniacal look of rage flashed across his face, but, with effort, he replaced it with a look of sorrow. "Very well. Then we have no further business to discuss."

"You know you're going to have to act, regardless," I challenged him.

Caius hissed at the tone of my voice, but Marcus was the one who spoke. "We will not act without reason," he murmured.

"You of all people should be aware of the day, _dear_ Marcus," Caius retorted.

Aro looked between the other members of his High Court. "Of course he is," he said, his eyes lingering on Caius' scowling face. "We all are." He turned to me once more. "You are dismissed, Mr. Cullen. But keep in mind, as long as you are within our city's boundaries, we will be watching you."

"I'm counting on it," I replied through clenched teeth, then wheeled away to arrange my date with death.

********

Saint Marcus Day was nothing short of a miraculous opportunity to force their hand. I walked the city streets for hours on end, shoving the aching pangs I felt from missing Bella down and deliberating on the ways I could push the Volturi into action. All my old plans came rushing back to me over the course of the crisp Tuscan morning, and I struggled with which one to choose. I was very much aware of Demetri following my every move. He'd been assigned by Aro to specifically keep an eye on me, and the more I tried to elude him to be left alone with my thoughts, the more he scared me by his uncanny accuracy to pop up, sometimes mere blocks away, as a reminder that I was being watched. All this was encouraging, however, and finally I decided that if I was going to die, I was going to do so in the most ostentatious way possible. An insult to the Volturi of the worst kind- I would go hunting.

I managed to keep Demetri on my trail long enough to the point that I became familiar with his fascinatingly accurate method of tracking and the regular intervals in which he would return to the Volturi compound to report back to Aro. It was during one of these check-ins that I set my eyes on the first human who came into my vision- a middle aged man on his way home from the market to prepare for the festivities of the afternoon and evening. I began stalking him carefully, keeping in the shadows and melting through the crowds that were already beginning to gather in anticipation of the parade that would be starting in three or four hours. I goaded myself onward, ignoring the man's thoughts and focusing solely on his scent, the aroma of his blood filling my mind and being. He was no longer a man, he was simply _human. _He was my prey. My ticket out, so to speak. I would slaughter him in the most obvious, gruesome way- no doubt guaranteeing my own hasty death. I would rip his heart from his chest; splatter his blood along the walls. I would hold him fast under my vise-like grip, letting him know full well what I was and what was happening to him.

I quickened my pace and was on the verge of striking. Perhaps he had a family? I could tear his throat to ribbons before their eyes, feasting on the fount that would no doubt spew from his arterial vessels…

The man rounded a corner and was turning his key in a lock. I was on the verge of attacking- tensed to spring, in fact- when I was halted in my tracks by the undeniable happiness that radiated from this man at the sight of his home and family. What was I thinking?? Forcing my own death was no excuse for the slaughter of innocents… I watched, stunned to motionlessness, as the man entered his home and shut the door. I crept slowly and silently up to the front window and peered in, unnoticed. There was a resounding cheer from his young son and daughter as he joyfully presented them with fake fangs and small flags to wave at the parade later. I could have broken through the door if I chose to, but I was abruptly filled with a sickening self-loathing.

I dashed to a low stone wall some fifty yards away and covered my face, running my hands up into my scalp and grabbing fistfuls of my hair. I felt choked, smothered, suffocated by the monstrosity of it all. And it was all right there in that one word- monster. Who had I been fooling, thinking at one point that I was some sort of guardian angel?? I felt the air leave my body in heaving gusts, but no sobs came. This only frustrated me farther, and in a helpless rage I kicked the damp spring earth beneath my feet so forcefully, the ground actually trembled slightly beneath me.

I slumped to the ground and felt as though there would be no relief from this choking agony until I was dead. I would gladly receive Jane's incapacitating fury at the moment, or perhaps Alec's mind-numbing sensory deprivation. Even the traditional execution performed by Caius or Felix- tearing me limb from limb- would be a welcome occurrence now. Randomly, thoughts of Carlisle filled my mind… How disappointed he would be to see me reduced to such a mindless killer. How disappointed Esme would be to see her son, for all intents and purposes, viciously and barbarically murder an innocent man. Not even Jasper, in all his centuries of slaughter, had acted so savagely as I had been on the brink of doing. And to think I had attempted to be worthy of one such as Bella Swan.

I was disgusted with myself, but the disgust was overshadowed by my despair. Was there no way to simply end this? To just walk into death the way I had so easily almost walked into that man's door? To take a…

I stopped short, almost dizzy with the idea. Just walk into death. It was almost too easy! I could flaunt my existence to the very people Aro and his precious coven had so proudly kept ignorant of our kind! I glanced into the sky and noticed the sun would be directly overhead within an hour. Noon. I would wait until noon, and then I would literally show myself to the protected world of Volterra in the most obvious location of the city. By noon the Saint Marcus Day Parade would be fully underway and the main plaza was only blocks away from Volturi headquarters. Walking out into broad daylight under the clock tower was something the Volturi wouldn't possibly allow. It would be a threatening display, and blatantly aggressive to the one organization that could ensure my time left on this planet would be short.

I was quite looking forward to noon.

***Un giorno…forse = Someday… perhaps...**

**_**Please Review**_  
**


	18. Resurrection

**This was surprisingly more difficult to write than I thought it would be. For the sake of my fantastic readers, I left in the "You can go to hell" line. (= Oh, and speaking of readers, I hope you guys have time to check out a lil project by edanmacu called "These Violent Delights Have Violent Ends". To me, it's what "Twilight" would have been if you took out all elements of the supernatural… and perhaps added in the gratuitous use of various, um, substances LOL. **

**Stephenie Meyer owns the flame that is Twilight; I'm but a humble moth that can't help but coming back to the heat!**

**Chapter 17: Resurrection**

By ten minutes to noon, I had already made my way back to the main square. The Palazzo dei Priori stood tall and indifferent against the sky. There was no trace of clouds, which would serve my purpose all too well. The crimson flags and banners still waved in the slight breeze, and again I reflected on how much everything felt like Fate. Somehow, everything came down to this. "I dreamt my lady came and found me dead." Echoes of the fifth act of _Romeo and Juliet_ trickled down the channels of my consciousness as I watched the second hand work its never-ending cycle around the face of the clock.

Whatever was going to happen would happen. I wasn't about to stop things now. I'd made up my mind; yes, I knew what I was capable of, but I also knew what I wasn't. And- not for the first time- eternity just seemed like too much to bear. So, not for the first time, I wouldn't bear it. This separation from the life I knew, however, I intended to be permanent. I smiled at the simplicity of this path, so much easier than the fork I'd forced myself to take not so many, many, long months ago by ending my relationship with Bella. Oh, who was I fooling? Even the mental use of the word "Fork" was enough to twist my already agonized countenance into a grimace of pain. For a brief instant I felt a flicker of longing for even one of the many pictures of her that were still in a bag, in my car at the airport left behind.

_Just like you left Bella behind…_ my own mind whispered me. I did not flinch from this self-admonition. In fact, I wondered for a moment if perhaps it wouldn't be a well-deserved punishment to wander about this planet for eternity in my melancholy and misery. The centuries stretched endlessly before me as I imagined it, and I shuddered internally.

But I'd done my time; I'd served my sentence. Those months without her had been like years, and the years blurred together until they culminated at this one moment. Perhaps I was a coward, but I couldn't live in a world where Bella didn't exist. This was all I had. Even if I wasn't reunited with her after this, at least we'd both be dead together.

I squared my shoulders as I stood behind the closed doors of the Palazzo, directly beneath the clock tower. I didn't let myself think about opening the door, I simply did it. I stood at the mouth of the small alley that ran adjacent to the Palazzo and saw the sun beating down on the square, hot and blinding. Crowds of townspeople had come out for the festival, and the occasional Volturi guard members were here and there, their grey cloaks standing out among all the red as they kept tabs on things from the city's perimeter. No one noticed me, but as I began unbuttoning my shirt I knew that would change soon. Sure enough, one of the little girls in the family of four that stood closest to the alley was staring at me curiously.

The clock had begun to chime, and in my mind the counting of the hours seemed as solemn and fitting as any funeral dirge. I toyed with the idea of what would transpire immediately after, but I would not let myself dwell on it. Neither the future, nor the past- the memories of her face, her skin, her hair… the hot throb of life beneath the delicate skin of her throat… Oddly, I could almost catch her scent on the mild breeze as if calling to me, mocking me. No. I would not dwell on this. I tossed my worn, dirty white shirt to the pavement at my feet, and as the fabric fluttered to the ground I heard a sort of nameless anticipation run through the mind of a nearby vampire. Felix. He and Demetri were not even two blocks away, waiting to see what I would do. I caught their eyes and saw their indulgently expectant faces. I found myself smiling. I'd be done with this existence, this cursed half-life. Actions speak louder than words, they say. So I steeled myself with one last breath, the hint of her fragrance teasing my lungs, and moved to step into high noon.

As I made my way across the threshold between worlds, the result was immediate and overwhelming. I heard her voice first, and a piercingly bright beam of hope thrilled me. There were no words, just the sound of her voice, but that didn't matter. I closed my eyes in bliss. She was here, I was with her, and whatever afterlife would follow was a thousand times more complete than I could ever have imagined because somehow, I was once again rejoined with my Bella.

I felt a soft pressure, heard a sharp intake of breath, and slowly opened my eyes. Amazing! That not only should I hear her, but to see and feel her as well! All of the bitterness towards my previous conception of heaven were vaporized the instant I saw her, whole, before me. All of the arguments and debates Carlisle and I had agreed to disagree on now tipped completely in his favor. As I stared at her, _holding _her, breathing her in, I voiced my surprise.

"Incredible," I marveled. "Carlisle was right."

Bella's mouth was moving, but I heard no sound. Perhaps when one is dead—truly, genuinely dead— one's senses are a mere glimmer of what they had been. I didn't care. Yet even as I reached out to caress her face, I could tell my awareness was growing. And the apparent swiftness with which Felix and Demetri had acted was perhaps more merciful than I could have asked for. I inhaled her scent deeply and found myself musing in incredulity at their precision and speed.

"It's amazing, how fast that was. I didn't feel anything… They were _very_ good." I closed my eyes and kissed her hair—incredible, that I could bring my lips to those soft tresses once more!— just breathing her in. I was giddy, that she should be here with me… that we could be together! She was as gloriously beautiful as ever; in fact, she was exactly the same as always- the blush of her cheeks, her fragrance, the flutter of her heartbeat… "Death, that hath sucked the honey of thy breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty," I quoted softly. Shakespeare had captured that description so accurately! And as my awareness was exponentially increasing, I felt a small shiver of electricity in our touch; in her aroma. _Bella's heart was beating._ It tortured me in the same exquisite way it always had. I smiled down at her. "Your scent is precisely what I remember it to be… Perhaps I am in hell, but I don't care. If this is hell, I'll take it."

"I'm alive!" she burst out. "And so are you! Edward, _please,_ we need to get out of here!! The Volturi will be nearby!"

_Bella's heart was beating._

"What, darling?" I inquired absently. My mind was still trying to grasp everything. Something wasn't quite right, but what?

"We're still alive, at least for now!" She was frantic.

Little by little my sense of sight, smell, and touch expanded beyond being engulfed by Bella Swan. Especially my sense of touch. Bella's heart was actually beating a little too rapidly for her to be a corpse, or a spirit, or an angel… Maybe angel's heartbeats are accelerated? I wondered idly. And the floor, the stone floor, surely that wasn't…. Were we ghosts?? I was confused. Exasperation flickered in my head, that I would go from one supernatural thing to another. But at least I was with Bella, and Bella was still speaking, and her heart was still beating.

The thought frantically ricocheted in my mind as quickly as I understood it. BELLA'S HEART WAS BEATING! She's alive…. Truly alive, in _Volterra_! The confusion on my face gave way to comprehension, and then to sudden panic.

"But that will change if we don't move before the Volturi— "

I heard a gloating chuckle swiftly make its way towards us as Felix and Demetri suddenly appeared. I realized my misunderstanding too late. I sharply pulled Bella behind me, flat against the brick wall of the Palazzo, and stood protectively before her, my arms spread wide. Felix and Demetri stepped forward from the shadows.

I forced my voice to be soft and polite. "Hello gentlemen. It seems I won't be in need of your services today. However I would be most grateful if you could kindly send my gratitude back to your superiors."

"Maybe we should move our talk to somewhere more appropriate?" Felix hissed with malice.

"I find that unnecessary," I replied flatly. If they wanted to do things the hard way, then so could I. "I'm well aware of your rules, Felix. I haven't disobeyed any of the laws."

_Not yet, you haven't_, Felix thought with a sneer.

Demetri glanced between us and spoke up. "He was simply remarking on the sun's proximity. We should move to a more well-concealed area."

_Don't even think about running away_, Demetri warned mentally. _We know this city better than you do, and you're outnumbered._

"I'll follow you in a moment," I answered cautiously after a beat. I turned to Bella, whose eyes radiated fear in her peaked little face. "Bella, love, you should return to the festival. Go enjoy yourself."

"Oh, by all means, bring her along," Felix said airily. The levity, however, was only in his voice. His eyes were glued to Bella and his thoughts were pure venom. I quickly turned to face him.

"You can go to hell," I hissed, all trace of courtesy gone from my voice. With the slightest movement, I redistributed my weight so as to be in a better position to protect myself and Bella. I wasn't going to let them have her, not when she was so innocent and _definitely_ not when I'd just gotten her back.

The fear turned to terror in Bella's eyes as she shook her head slightly and mouthed "No!" at me. I hushed her gently, and then stared challengingly at Felix. Felix stared right back, and he, too, tensed slightly.

Demetri's eyes flashed a warning and he shook his head infinitesimally at Felix, saying his name cautiously. He turned to address me, "Aro merely wants to talk with you once more, considering you haven't caused us to enforce any disciplinary action."

"Of course," I concurred, "just not with Bella."

Demetri shook his head sorrowfully. "I'm sorry that won't be possible."

He opened his mind to me, thinking back on the moments before they'd left the Volturi compound. Aro had stood, his back turned to them, hands clasped and a dreamy tone to his voice.

"_If he decides not to force our hand, have him return. I should like very much to speak with him again. And… if anyone else from our friends in the Olympic Coven should end up appearing, have them come along as well. It's been such a long time since I've seen or spoken to my young friends…" _The wistfulness in his voice only had barely covered his excitement at the prospects of picking over our minds. I was sure he was curious to see what, if any, strengths he could potentially add to his guard.

"We do have orders," Demetri continued, "that cannot be disobeyed."

"Then _I'm_ sorry I can't accept Aro's offer, Demetri," I replied icily. I was wary enough of letting any one of my family members near here, let alone Bella. There's no telling what Aro would do, and there was no way to guarantee her safety 100%. For that, I would take my chances with the Guard.

"Very well," Felix inclined his head indulgently, his eyes still glinting with anticipation.

Demetri gave a sigh. "Aro will be so let down."

"I'm quite sure he'll survive the disappointment," I snapped. The loyalty of these two to their masters was astonishing and frightening in its intensity.

I stood tense and still as they began to creep closer towards Bella and me, trying to avoid a scene by pushing us farther into the alley. _You're won't be going very far, little mind reader_, Felix thought coolly.

_We'll need to fan out; get him from two sides…_ Demetri absently ran through various tactics. Honestly Demetri's skill and determination were on par with Felix's size and strength, in terms of things for me to consider in a fight. I would find some way to distract them, and if it took fighting them both to do so, then so be it.

_Wait_, Alice's mind broadcast to me cautiously.

Alice!??

_So that's how Bella had found her way here!_ I thought in surprise.

"Now now, let's behave ourselves!" she trilled. "Ladies are present!" She skipped to stand at my right hand-side and smiled up at the two straightening Guard members.

_Damn_, Felix thought.

Demetri's mind was a tangle of regret and impatience.

"We aren't here by ourselves," Alice hinted.

Demetri tossed a glance over his shoulder noticed that now the oldest girl and her younger sister were now both staring, as well as their mother. The woman's eyebrows furrowed as she leaned in to speak with her husband.

"Amore," she was saying "Penso che quegli uomini stiano andando causare la difficoltà. Forse dovremmo ottenere la polizia?"

Demetri's lips compressed into a hard line as she stared at her. She looked away quickly, but not before nudging her husband to seek out one of the many red-blazered police officers who strolled about the square.

Demetri turned back to us. "Edward," he said urgently, "please, let's be logical about his."

"I agree," I said pleasantly. "We'll simply go now without anyone knowing any differently."

Demetri's sighed. I could tell he was frustrated, but I also knew he wouldn't dare act with the odds stacked so evenly. "Could we at least talk about this in private?" he asked, glancing at the five other officers who had come to stand with the other policeman and the family near the alley's entrance.

The first officer was telling the others to wait, to see what would develop. Spectators to this intense discussion would only be in our favor, as I knew neither Felix nor Demetri would act in the presence of these humans. I stood my ground and clenched my jaw. "No," I challenged, daring him to act within sight of the nearby mortals. I could hear footsteps steadily making their way towards us from the other end of the alley and Alice laid a warning hand on my arm, but even as I turned to see who was coming, Jane herself voiced her presence.

"That's enough."

Demetri and Felix straightened from their crouches and let their shoulders relax. I grimaced, and let my arms fall to my sides. There was nothing we could do now.

Alice glanced at me and the catastrophe that would follow if we resisted any longer flashed through her mind. She shook her head slightly, echoing my thoughts. _Nothing we can do now._

"Jane," I acknowledged in defeat.

She lifted her eyes to mine and raised an eyebrow. _Aro told me about you, and no doubt you've heard of me. He sent me to check the status of this… situation, _she thought briefly to me.

Alice crossed her arms and moved the slightest bit closer to me.

"Let's go," she commanded before stalking away toward one of the many hidden entrances to the Volterra headquarters. She didn't even bother checking to see if we would follow, she was that sure of herself.

"Ladies first," Felix smirked, making a wide sweep with his hand to the alley before us.

Alice quietly and immediately followed Jane down the alley. I pulled Bella close to me and pressed her between Alice and me. I was incredibly distrustful of the situation and knew that Jane could be ruthlessly lethal. Our only hope was that she would be obeying Aro's orders by bringing us back alive. Bella's upturned face was full of panic but I simply cautioned her with a shake of my head. I had to try to diffuse the tension before Bella either began hyperventilating or went into shock.

"Well," I began offhandedly, "I guess I shouldn't really be too surprised that you're here." I gave her a warning look to stay light-hearted, for Bella's sake.

"It was my fault," Alice answered in kind, "so it's my responsibility to fix it." She eyed me meaningfully. _Sorry about Rosalie_, she thought ruefully.

The bizarreness of our situation crashed around me. That we should be here, in the heart of the biggest threat to our existence, with Bella, was too much to think of. My heart ached as I stubbornly resisted the thousands of worst-case scenarios that played out in my mind.

"What happened?" I asked Alice conversationally. I doubted she would tell me the whole story, not with the keen pricking of curiosity I felt surge forth from Felix and Demetri. She understood immediately and kept her aural reply brief.

"It's quite the tale," she said wryly, flashing a glance at Bella before resting her gaze on me. "Basically she did in fact jump off a cliff, but it wasn't a suicidal effort. Apparently Bella's become rather involved with extreme sports lately."

My Bella and extreme sports? She'd stumbled twice already just since walking the thirty or so feet we'd gone; the two didn't balance out. I felt the warmth rise in Bella's face as I raised an eyebrow at Alice.

_Not that she wouldn't have died if she hadn't been rescued_, Alice thought in irritation. _Either she would have drowned or Victoria would have gotten her. Which is another thing- apparently the one place we never thought to look was the one place Victoria was trying to get to. Granted, I understand how even the thought of Forks was unsettling for you… _

"Ah," I replied shortly. I felt my jaw clench, both in anger that Victoria still walked the earth and in shame that all my efforts had led me so far off the mark.

Jane walked purposefully toward a subterranean entrance to the Volturi compound nearby and was hardly paying attention. She was confident enough in her abilities that we wouldn't take one step out of line, especially not with Felix and Demetri acting as a rear guard.

_Not to mention_, Alice continued, _it seems some of the Quileute boys still carry the werewolf gene and have been provoked to transforming because of Victoria's presence in the area. One of Bella's greatest friends, in fact, is one of the wolves._ _Jacob Black?_ _He was there the night that you called…_

Bella was involved with Quileute werewolves!? Of all the stupid, reckless… Werewolves such as those on the Quileute reservation were dangers of the most volatile kind. They phased in seconds without warning, completely oblivious to the potential threat they posed to anyone or anything around them. I tensed automatically and gave the barest squeeze to her hand, as if to reassure myself that she was alive and in one piece before me.

My thoughts flew back to that wretched, horrible night… when I had considered the dangers that could come after Bella, _werewolves…!_ The word alone put an acidic bitterness in my thoughts. And suddenly I recalled the voice of the adolescent youth who had answered the phone… the one who had said Charlie was at a funeral… A new sense of outrage filled me as the pieces fit of how much time Bella had been spending with Jacob Black—a _werewolf_, for God's sake!— but I didn't have long to stay angry as Jane finally reached the sewer drain that served as an entrance back to Volturi headquarters.

Alice gave me a sympathetic glance before she slid through the drain after Jane, graceful as always. She let the briefest hint of suggestion glimmer in her mind that it would be best if Bella went first, so as not to leave her alone with Felix and Demetri. I nodded imperceptibly and Alice waited in the underground tunnel, arms outreached to catch Bella.

_Toss her to me; I'll catch her._

Bella stood staring distrustfully at the dark void and I felt the tension ripple across her shoulders. Demetri stood, proudly quiet, as he watched her hesitating, but Felix could always, of course, be counted upon to make clear his thoughts to me.

_By_ _all means, if she's too frightened, we'll be more than happy to help her along, _Felix grinned silently behind us. His thoughts were dripping with false politeness. I ignored him.

"It's okay, Bella," I said softly. "Alice is down there to catch you."

She stared at the hole for a moment before she knelt and swung her legs down.

"Alice?" She called tremulously, paused at the tunnel entrance.

"I'm here, Bella," Alice called up soothingly. Bella didn't seem convinced.

I could feel Felix and Demetri inching closer silently, so I took matters into my own hands, literally. Holding Bella by the wrists, I lowered her as far as I could down into the inky darkness. "All set?" I inquired to Alice."

"Go for it," Alice said.

I released her but didn't follow until I heard her safely caught in Alice's arms. Once I had resumed my place at her side, I held her close and pulled her along quickly once I heard Felix and then Demetri drop smoothly behind us in turn and then close the grate above. The surface of the ground in the tunnel was ten times worse compared to what it had been in the alley, and I did my best to half-tow, half-carry her along the damp cobblestones. She clung to me, stumbling and tripping despite her best efforts to keep pace.

It was still a shock that she was here with me, _alive_, and so was I. I held her as tight as I could without hurting her, even though I longed to crush her to me and never let her go. The sound of her heart filled my ears and the scent of her blood still dulled my perceptions of anything else around us. Alice continued to catch me up with all I had missed by hiding away in my misery, but any guilt I felt at abandoning my family and the outside world was assuaged by Bella's presence. I found myself reaching up to hold her face, tracing the smooth contours of her lips with my thumb or burying my nose in her hair. I wanted to fly her out of here, but at this point all I could hope for was the mercy of the Volturi High Court. Once this madness was over I would spend the rest of eternity making up to her for the fool I had been.

At one point I made a soft noise in my throat, and inquisitive sort of sound that let Alice know I was wondering if she had any idea of the outcome we would face. She walked on in a trance-like state, searching for possible futures and settling on no one thing. She shrugged slightly, regretfully, with no clue as to how things would play out in the end.

_Aro himself won't know what to do until he's aware of the degree of Bella's exposure to our kind_, she thought sympathetically. _And even then, Marcus and Caius are of such differing opinions it's hard to see who will win out. We've got just as much of a shot of getting out of here unscathed as we do of them executing us all_, she ended grimly.

I shuddered in what I thought was a purely mental reaction until I felt my side vibrating. I realized Bella was shaking with cold, and immediately released her. How stupid could I be that I would selfishly cling to her in this damp chill! I held only her hand, but she broke the contact so as to fling her arms around me. "N-n-no!" she exclaimed, the one-syllable word the only thing she could force out from her chattering teeth.

I sighed internally. Rubbing my hand against her arm in what I hoped was a calming, continuous motion, I prayed that I could create enough friction to provide at least some degree of warmth.

Felix would sigh every so often at the human speed with which we plodded on. His contempt for Bella was rising exponentially as he reconfirmed his earlier assessment of her. _Pitiful… weak… merely a source of nourishment for us other, superior creatures_. I felt my fists clenching my arms tensing until Alice would broadcast loud, clear mental warnings of our inevitable demise should I attempt to engage Felix in combat now. His strength, combined with Jane's mental viciousness and Demetri's notable speed, would surely see to our obliteration.

Demetri however was merely striding along, and, like Jane, had every confidence in whatever judgment Aro and his brethren would pass down. Again I was amazed at the level of determination that drove this creature. Demetri was seemingly the most one-track-minded individual I had ever encountered. Knowing this caused my breath to catch slightly as I ducked through the gate that would lead us to the main building of the Volturi compound itself. The wooden door stood ajar, and Jane slipped in, followed by Alice. Every fiber of my being recoiled at this edifice, this structure of ruthless efficiency and untold numbers of death, but I held Bella close and did my best to appear nonchalant as I walked through the doorway.

This place, where once before I had so numbingly waited for my judgment, seemed to remember me with its harsh lights and cold walls. I only hoped that it hadn't remembered my earlier eagerness for death, because if it did, none of us would be leaving the building alive.

**Amore, penso che quegli uomini stiano andando causare la difficoltà. Forse dovremmo ottenere la polizia?: **Darling, I think those men are going to cause trouble. Perhaps we should get the police?

**Reviews make my heart smile.**


	19. Judgement

**WHEW this took a long time to write, and after staying up late doing beta work, a visit from my father-in-law followed by a visit from my parents a week later, my sister's graduation from college, my brother's 17****th**** bday, Mother's Day, being glued to my computer screen so I could finish The Red Line (how have I not read this before?) and good old fashioned busy-ness, I finally have time to sit down & get this posted for you guys! (No joke, I almost said "get this up for you" but... yeah… LOL!) **

**Stephenie Meyer is the creative genius who dreamed up this beautiful series, I'm simply sharing with you my own little daydreams about it. I do the best I can to make the words my own; kudos and a half to the rhymezone website!**

**Chapter 18: Judgment**

Jane had glided to the elevator at the end of the hall and stood there waiting silently. I held Bella close to me as we hurried along, even though my every instinct was clamoring to go the other direction, to get us out of here, to escape and never look back. Alice shot me a sympathetic glance and moved slightly closer to walk along Bella's other side.

I raised my eyebrow slightly, looking at Alice as if to ask, _Can you see anything?_

She gave a slight shake of her head. _I'm too keyed up,_ she responded in her mind. _I've never had to be so… on my guard before. Anything can happen, literally. But you're not alone anymore_. Her ocher eyes were fathomless as she sent an unspoken wave of familial allegiance my way.

The door slid shut behind us and I swallowed, too nervous to do anything more than take a steadying breath as I felt Felix and Demetri behind us. There was an anticipation of menace in the air and I repeated, "Let her be safe, just let her be safe…" over and over in my head like a litany.

Once inside the elevator I could feel the eyes of these top members of the Volturi guard watching us, but my eyes were glued to the one who could do the most damage. I continued rubbing Bella's arm; the motion was thoughtless, repetitive, distracted and distracting. I fought the urge to do something more distracting, to bring their attention to me and get their focus off of Bella. They'd thrown back their hoods and I only caught the settling of the fabric in my peripheral vision as my gaze remained steadfastly on Jane. She stared ahead, expressionless, as if bored with the menial task of fetching some bothersome troublemakers to her master for disciplining. Underneath it all, however, she was faintly anxious to return to her brother. Her thoughts were subconscious but transparent to me nonetheless. It made her uncomfortable to be away from him for any length of time, not because of any romantic or incestuous feelings on either part, but because she felt that, apart from Aro, he was the only one who truly understood her. She was complete with him, as if they were two halves of some sadistic whole. The torture they'd endured in their human lives had cemented an already strong fraternal bond, but I felt no pity for her whatsoever. She enjoyed inflicting pain on others entirely too much to be considered simply a pawn of the Volturi's sick idea of justice.

I could sense Bella taking stock of our captors, as these were the first civilized blood drinkers she had met. _Other than Laurent_, I mentally amended. He alone had showed the most promise out of his former coven. Bella shrank back against me suddenly in the thick silence. I took my eyes off Jane for a millisecond to glance at Bella's face, and then my eyes darted back to rest on Jane once more.

Once the elevator stopped, we found ourselves in the room I'd been in before to wait for their earlier verdict. I was secretly terrified- not for myself, but for Bella. Knowing I had violated the one rule that was considered ironclad law among our kind, and gotten my family in the same situation, I was well aware that I the sentence I had asked for only moments ago could just as easily be passed onto Bella's head. I felt heartsick at the possibility of Bella being destroyed before my eyes, and even the thought that I could be killed myself shortly after, in what would probably an reflex reaction attempt to save her, was no comfort. _Bella… what have I done by dragging you into my world?_ I asked myself in grief.

As we passed by Gianna's desk, she gave a welcoming smile. "Good afternoon, Jane," she greeted us politely.

Jane dipped her head in acknowledgment. "Gianna," she replied. _Pathetic little sycophant_, she thought witheringly.

Demetri, however, gave her Gianna a coquettish wink as he passed. She giggled in response and blushingly brought her eyes back down to the spreadsheet in front of her. _I'll have her yet_, Demetri thought with self-satisfaction, although his appraisal was a mixture of thirst, lust, and amusement. I wasn't quite sure he would be all that upset if she were eliminated; a sense of "Oh well" seemed to radiate from him as if he wasn't too concerned one way or the other. Felix, meanwhile, was constantly glancing from Bella to me.

_Alec_, Alice thought suddenly. I could sense an unspoken mix of slight relief and pleasure fill the atmosphere suddenly, and I knew as we approached yet another set of doors that Alec would be waiting on the other side even without Alice's warning. His face became an expression of pleased indulgence as he watched our little group walk into the hallway.

"Jane," he smiled in delight, greeting his sister with a kiss. As he stepped back, I could see by his face how dangerous he was. He wasn't as purely evil as Jane, but he was almost worse in a way- his unswerving loyalty to the Volturi had given him a certain drive, a sort of ruthlessness that wouldn't bat an eyelash in the face of someone else's pain. "You've been sent to fetch one," he was saying, that indulgent smile still on his face, "and here you are with two… and a half." His eyes lingered on Bella and his mind was abuzz with questions. He turned to me.

"Edward! Welcome back," he began cordially. "It appears that your mood has improved since your last visit," he smirked.

"Somewhat," I admitted grudgingly. I felt Bella turn to stare at me and cling to my side as Alec gave a low laugh in response.

He surveyed Bella and was monetarily confused. "This is the source of all the fuss?" He asked incredulously.

I was halfway into attempting a polite smile—any sort of rudeness would only hurt our already slim chances of making out of here alive—when I heard Felix's mental sneer. _Yes, this little _human_ girl is the 'source of all the fuss'… not really worth much, honestly… I could drain her in two seconds and be done without a second thought; carry out my own verdict and save us all the trouble. She really does smell delicious … In fact… _"Dibs," he announced suddenly.

I whirled around to face him, snarling furiously. Felix grinned back smugly at me, gesturing with an upraised hand and beckoning me closer with his fingers. _Oh, I'd love to see you even try_, he challenged me.

Alice's hand shot out to my arm. "Wait," she warned me. Her eyes were sparks of caution, and I forced myself to tear my enraged eyes from Felix's self-satisfied smirk.

_If you set him off now it will be an open invitation for them to execute us all,_ including _Bella. Be patient and let Aro sort this out… we've got better odds with him AND you're no match for Felix anyway, let alone Felix combined with Demetri, Alec, and_—she gave a barely discernible shiver—_Jane._

She opened her mind to me, and I saw the hopeless bloodbath that would ensue if I to attempt to engage Felix in combat of any sort. She gave me another infinitesimal shake of her head and I forced myself to take a deep breath. I didn't even look at Felix as I turned my back on him.

Alec had watched our little exchange with interest, but let none of it show as he announced that Aro would be happy to see me again.

"We shouldn't make him wait," Jane hinted.

I inclined my head in agreement. I could tell she was also much more inclined to deliver her concept of justice on us safely under the cover of Aro's verdict, and not in an unplanned, uncivilized fight. Her self-delusion and fierce allegiance to the Volturi would have been admirable under any other circumstances, but for now they were simply making me feel more wretched than I already was.

Jane grasped Alec's hand and they turned down another hallway that led along the south entrance of the Main Chamber, where countless executions had taken place before today. I could already hear the buzz of other vampires, gathered to watch what would undoubtedly be an entertaining trial. I prayed with everything I had in me that if nothing else, Bella would get out of this alive. I was already cursing myself mentally for allowing her to even be put in this deplorable condition. If she were to become just another faceless victim in the annals of Volturi feasts… I couldn't even finish the thought.

I felt Bella swallow, no doubt in fear of what would take place. I wasn't too far from her, emotionally. Again, I sent up another wordless, desperate plea to whatever powers that might be out there, that Bella could walk away from all of this unharmed.

Aro stood with his back turned to us, talking with his personal guard, Renata. I knew he could hear us enter, but he waited until the doors were firmly closed behind us before he turned to address Jane.

"Jane, darling," he exclaimed, pleased. "You made it back!" _This should be interesting_… He began to make his way toward us, and I noticed Bella's jaw drop out of the corner of my eye. The way he moved- soft, gliding- completely belied the harsh disrespect he had for any form of human life. I took the slightest of steps to my side, positioning myself in front of Bella at a natural yet protective angle against the roomful of monsters before us.

Aro gently held his hands to Jane's face, turning it up toward his before bestowing a brief kiss on her mouth. She let him read her mental replay of the past few moments and then stepped back to study us. He dipped his head slightly at an angle, never taking his eyes from Jane's face. I could see it was a sort of non-verbal command, and I immediately felt a surge of energy, an almost tangible warmth flood the room in a short, powerful burst.

For a moment my eyes searched the room confusedly for Jasper, but they rested on a small female in the corner off to Aro's side. Chelsea, this one's name was, and she was just stepping back from a tense and concentrated stare. She had sent a direct, focused sense of loyalty and adoration to Jane.

"I did, Master," she announced proudly. "And I returned him alive, as you asked." Jane was beaming in pride.

Incredible. Chelsea's gift was almost that of a sister power to Jasper's empathic ability. Once over my initial awe, I was flooded with a sense of danger. If she should turn that power to Bella, or worse- to me, to _force_ me to want to disregard the only life I'd ever known… the only _love_ I'd ever known… to become another Volturi pawn… I repressed a shudder.

"My dear girl," Aro was saying. "You're so comforting to me," he smiled back warmly.

His soft smile became a full-fledged grin as he turned to Alice, Bella, and me. Demetri stepped forward to guard us on one side, Felix walked up to flank the other.

"And Bella and Alice as well!" he clapped out in joy. "What a happy surprise! How fantastic!"

I could feel Bella tense beside me and a sense of panic filled me suddenly. If we didn't make it out alive…

He angled himself slightly to address Felix. "Felix, my dear boy, won't you go and fetch my brothers? I'm quite certain they'd like to be here as well."

_So would I_, he thought, openly staring at me. Again there was that short burst of warmth. "Of course, Master," Felix acknowledged, dipping his head and exiting through the doors behind us.

"There now, Edward," Aro turned to me again with an indulgent smile. "What did I say yesterday? Perhaps now you're happy I didn't grant your request?"

I pulled Bella even closer to me and kept my voice bland and my face smooth. "Quite happy, indeed," I replied.

"Oh, how I love happy endings," he purred. "They're so few and far between. Now then, I shall need to know everything. How on earth did this come to be?" He turned his filmy gaze to my sister in curiosity. "Alice, dear- your brother here seems to hold all stock in the accuracy of your little gift, yet evidently there was a bit of a mix up, yes?"

Alice's tension was rippling off of her in waves. She maintained a playful but respectful tone of voice, the way I had. "I'm not perfect," she smiled convincingly. "As I'm sure you're able to tell by today, I'm often the start of such trouble more than I am the solution."

Aro made a small, dismissive sound. "You're being far too demure," he scolded playfully. "I have… witnessed some of your other, rather incredible feats," his eyes flickered to mine briefly, "and I must say I haven't ever seen a thing that's quite like your gift. It's simply marvelous!"

Alice flashed a warning glance at me. _So it's true then? He knows everything? _

I blinked once in acknowledgment. It was a signal we'd often used before, but instead of relaxing now that she knew the truth- that Aro was secretly thrilled with the prospect of adding us to his little collection- Alice's eyes grew little wider and she stiffened slightly.

_We're on dangerous ground here… _she thought, and I wasn't entirely certain she was thinking it for me.

Our little exchange had taken less than a second but Aro caught it nonetheless, and a flash of anticipation lit up his face.

"I do beg your pardon," he began quaintly, "but I forget we have not been properly introduced! I apologize. I just feel as though we're already acquainted, as your brother here rather… uniquely… made me aware of your existence yesterday. I got slightly ahead of myself. That does tend to happen; I too have a talent- akin to Edward's, actually. I, however, have certain exclusionary boundaries that he doesn't seem to be limited by."

Aro gave a slight, wistful shake of his head.

My eyes never left his face as I added cautiously, "You also have a great deal more power than I do." I took a chance to turn to Alice, hoping Aro wouldn't think me rude for speaking about him with him standing right in front of us. "He can hear much, much more than I do, even though he actually requires a physical touch for his power to work. You know how I can hear your thoughts- whatever you're thinking, when you're thinking it?" My eyes flashed back to Aro before returning to Alice's patient expression. "With Aro, there is no "when"… he can hear anything that's passed through your mind, from any time, that your mind has ever considered."

Alice's eyebrows rose_. Anything? Everything? You know what this means… _ Her thoughts trailed off into wordless longings for Jasper, for Forks, for our way of life before I got us all into this complicated mess…

I nodded once, agreeing with her more than she knew.

Aro's eyes suddenly took on a gleeful glint as he pondered what it would be like to have both of us under his thumb- total control- and his mind took off in a spin of imaginings that were, to me, frightening in their intensity.

"Still, to have the ability to hear at a distance!" He sighed dreamily and waved between Alice and I. "That would truly be so convenient!"

Alice's eyes widened infinitesimally and she tilted her chin upward by mere millimeters, turning her ear slightly to the door behind us. Within seconds I heard Caius' sour thoughts.

_On the contrary, I find it to be quite _inconvenient_. A waste of time that they're still even here; we should have shredded the fool when he asked for it._

My nostrils flared as I turned to see him and Marcus enter the main chamber. Aro took in his brothers' entrance with an indulgent smile, as the others turned to see the latest additions to our potential executioners. Bella had turned slowly, her human senses not quite as sharp as the rest of ours to see just how much more grave the situation had become. Caius' tolerance for human life was barely above contempt; he saw them as a food source and a means of entertainment by way of torture. If any of our kind were to possess a soul, his would be the blackest void of a demon.

"Caius, Marcus, come and see!" he cooed endearingly. "Bella lives and is well after all! And Alice has joined us as well- is that not marvelous?"

_Hardly a reason to marvel, Aro_, Marcus thought blandly. _More interesting, however, is their bond…_ He studied us musingly for a brief fraction of a second and, for an even briefer segment of time, was taken aback by the intensity of our relationship. A faint pang of grief rippled through his consciousness, but it was gone before it could fully register. Chelsea had sent another soothing, numbing wave softly towards Marcus, and it seemed a trite, almost reflex action. She had done this before, and often. I wondered about the obvious lack of Marcus' mate, and tried to recall if Carlisle had ever mentioned…

My short reflections were interrupted as Caius moved suddenly towards his throne. Marcus, however, drifted toward Aro and gave a tactical report of his findings. _She loves him- truly- and his devotion to her is just as strong if not stronger, _he thought emotionlessly. _He and the small female are tied to each other beyond the normal connections of a coven as well. _

I gave a self-deprecating snort. I couldn't help it. My devotion to Bella- my asinine idea that leaving her was best for her, that it would save her life- was what had us awaiting death in this miserable place to begin with.

"Incredible," Aro murmured in response Marcus' information. "Completely incredible." He was shaking his head in amazement and with a slight sense of admiration for our commitment to each other above self- me against my nature, Bella against every logical human trait she should have had if she was anything but the insane, tempting, lovely creature she was.

Alice, however, did not seem to share in Aro's enthusiasm. Still staring at Aro, she thought _What was that?_

I shifted towards her and answered quickly in a low voice, "Marcus is able to physically see emotional attachments. He was… a bit shocked… by the depth and strength of ours."

Aro's mouth turned up slightly at the corners as he watched and listened to me relay the information. "So convenient," he repeated dreamily, the ideas of unlimited power racing through his mind again. He focused on Bella and spoke louder for her benefit. "Yes, it does require a great deal to shock Marcus to any degree, I promise you." He smiled at her, but the smile seemed too menacing to be cordial. I tightened my grip and watched Aro's gaze trail down to my arm around her waist.

_To be so close, _that close_, deliberately- with no intention of drinking from that… that…_ he sniffed delicately as his mind searched for the right words. _That fountain, a fountain of song, just for you…_ he decided on finally. _Una cantante. _His mind subconsciously reverted to its original tongue and the words rolled off of his mind.

"Even now, I simply cannot fathom it," he pondered aloud. "How do you manage to stand beside her so intimately?"

"It does take some work," I replied, keeping my voice light and level.

"Even so- _la tua cantante_!" he said again, amazed. "Such waste!"

_Waste?_ I laughed mirthlessly. "I tend to view it more as an expense."

I could hardly see my beloved under the light of wastefulness. Every moment of our relationship had been worth the inferno that roared so often in my throat. Even one touch of her hand, one kiss of her lips, was worth it. One.

Aro didn't seem to share my system of value. "Quite a great expense," he answered dubiously.

"Opportunity cost," I countered.

He laughed in spite of himself. Underneath his desire to add Alice and me to his little army, he was truly amazed at the dynamics of our relationship. "If I had not smelled her from your memories, I would never have believed such a strong call could have come from anyone. I personally haven't experienced such a thing."

I could feel myself growing angrier by the second. He was dismissing my love for Bella, reducing it down to a siren call and making no distinction between my thirst and my feelings for her. He was dismissing my emotional attachment to her, my need for her, and replacing it with the cold, albeit the more logical, reason of a human's bloodsong to one of our kind.

"The majority of our kind would give much to have such an opportunity," he continued airily, "but you…"

"Waste it," I interrupted with a hard edge to my voice, finishing his train of thought. He simply chuckled once more.

"Ah," he sighed. "I do miss my dear friend Carlisle. You're a lot like him, except he wasn't quite as aggravated."

_Calm down_, Alice warned me. _As of yet they're undecided. If you keep that up we won't make it out of here alive._

I forced myself to be calm. "He surpasses me in quite a few more areas also," I nodded.

"I for one never would have imagined that he could be outdone in terms of self-control, yet you defeat him soundly in that regard," he smiled.

I could feel my temper rising. Unless the Volturi Guard intended to talk us to death, any change would have been welcome. At least we would finally know what we were up against. I could feel Alice mentally willing me to be more serene, but I was fast becoming weary of all these preliminaries. Aro continued, though, as if he was completely ignoring the lines of impatience that were setting in my face…

"I really am pleased with his accomplishments," he reflected. "The memories you have of him are such a treat for me, despite being exponentially astounded. I'm quite astonished by my… my own _happiness,_ in response to the success he has achieved from choosing such an unorthodox way of life. I had anticipated that he would weaken, waste away with time. I mocked his plan to seek out others who would partake in such an odd ideal. However, somehow, I'm pleased to have found myself incorrect."

I did not respond. I was getting quite sick of his banter.

"_Your_ restraint, however…" he said breathily. "I was unaware such resistance was even possible! To expose yourself to such a beckoning temptation, not once, but over and over… If I hadn't felt the pull of it for myself, I wouldn't have believed."

The memory of Bella's siren call was fast becoming a longing of its own in Aro's mind. I could hear the thud of her heartbeat beside me, and it echoed in Aro's thoughts. For a moment, he lingered on the spring when I'd had to save her life from James' foolish and lethal behavior…

"Merely recalling how much she attracts you makes me thirsty," he chortled softly as he swallowed back a sudden mouthful of venom.

I felt my muscles coil in defense, tensing around Bella.

"Do not be alarmed," he assuaged me. "I don't mean to pose a threat. However I am quite interested- by one particular thing…" His eyes brightened as he looked Bella in the eye and wondered if her mind would be closed to him as well. "Do you mind?" he asked with a surge of exuberance as he raised a hand.

I was battling an overwhelming anticipation of resentment. If he could hear her, if her mind was opened to him… I didn't want to even think of it. "Ask _her_," I told him, my words dripping with bitterness.

"Why, how exceedingly unmannerly of me! Of course!" Aro interjected. "Bella," he spoke straight to her, "I'm quite intrigued by the fact that you're the only exception to Edward's incredible ability. It's fascinating that such a thing would even happen! So I was curious, since we seem to share a similarity in our abilities, if you would do me the honor of seeing if you were also immune to _me_?" His question was more than an inquiry. He seemed almost hesitant to test his powers against her, but determination won out.

Bella's face became a mask of shock and fear, but I nodded in support. I couldn't let her see my insecurity and ruin everything. Bella's mind was like a locked treasure chest, and if Aro had the keys there was nothing I could do about it. I felt heartsick, but smiled at her slightly in encouragement. I would take comfort in knowing Aro had spoken with more confidence than he felt.

Tentatively, Bella raised her hand before her. I could see it shaking, but Aro smiled softly as he placed his impossibly strong hands around Bella's delicate one. He stared her full in the face and listened- nothing, and my heart gave a wild little leap of hope- then truly tuned his mind to hers, concentrating, shutting out all other sound. Still nothing.

Aro's smile fell slightly from his face, replacing the confident look on his face with one of doubt, and finally a brief flash of disbelief before he rearranged his features once again into a pleasant smile.

"Fascinating," he announced softly. Bella glanced at my face, but I remained silent in my small victory. Her mind might not be mine to share, but it was her own, and that was more than a triumph.

_I've never encountered anything like it… Not that anything about today has been par for the course… or anything about this little group of three…_ His eyes rested longingly on my sister and I, and he was briefly enthralled with the many possibilities Bella could present if she were an immortal at his side as well. This last imagining was very brief and very faint, however, because he was more intrigued with this development itself than the possibilities of what it could mean. In the next moment he gave a little shake of his head.

"This is a first," he murmured. "I wonder… We should see if she is exempt from our other endowments, yes? Jane?" He called her name softly and I felt the fury rip from my chest in a snarl.

"_NO_!"

I tensed, not thinking, and Alice laid a restraining hand on my arm, panicked. I yanked my arm back and stood, tense and livid, as Jane smiled up at Aro with a rapturous expression on her face.

"Master?" she asked joyously.

I couldn't believe the gall of this creature! To stand there, as cold as a scientist about to drug test a rat in a laboratory, watching his assistant eagerly fill the syringe with chemicals! He grandly ignored me and smiled back at Jane as enraged growls and snarls tore from my chest and throat. The others in the room had gone silent in shock at my behavior. Renata's eyes widened as she tried to determine if I would truly be any harm to her master, Caius sat back, watching the proceedings with glee, and Chelsea was glancing pointedly at Bella, then at me, trying to dissolve the invisible ties that bound us. It was as effective as attempting to sever a steel cable with a plastic spoon.

_EDWARD CULLEN!_ Alice hissed frantically in her thoughts. _If you had any measure of sense you would maintain a level head right now!_

But I was beyond angry at this point- I was _pissed off. _My mouth was one second away from hurling obscenities at the lot of them when I felt Felix's quiet anticipation. He stepped closer but then stood, still and sullen, with one look from Aro.

Aro continued his request to Jane. "I was curious, dear child, if Bella is also immune to _you_."

I would take anything, _anything_—my rebirth into this life, broken limbs, even death—a thousand times over if it would save Bella from being exposed to one such as Jane. It was one thing if we were there to be disciplined—and even then it's doubtful I would have maintained my composure in reaction to a guilty verdict on Bella—but to be risked simply for sport, just to see what would happen, was beyond reason. For the first time, my faith in the Volturi as a governing body was shaken. The sadistic experiment they sought to perform cracked my previous conceptions about this coven's desire for true justice. I lost all self-control.

I released Bella, hovering protectively in front of her instead as Caius and his retinue stepped down for a better view. Jane was heedless of my warning growls and turned her charmingly deadly face to Bella.

"No!" Alice shrieked, a half-second before I sprang toward Jane. In the other half of the second, I found myself knocked off my feet and was suddenly and wholly consumed by such a burning as I have never known. The pain overshadowed even all but the faintest thoughts of Bella and her well-being; her safety. Was this in then? Our verdict? Our judgment- carried out immediately without trial? Yet even as I writhed on the floor I could feel the stones beneath me and I my mind was vaguely aware that the pain was purely mental. I gritted my teeth and made no sound as I endured the blistering, acidic fire that bit me by the nerve endings. Whispers of Bella's name, of her heartbeat, played in my mind as I twitched helplessly. The helplessness was almost worse than the blinding pain itself- I had no clue what was happening to my soul mate or my sister, and I could have wept from the injustice of it all. But I stayed silent. If this was how they were taking me out, I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of hearing me scream.

"Jane," Aro verbally restrained her. No sooner had the agony become almost too much to bear than silence was ringing in my ears. Aro nodded slowly, once, in Bella's direction, and Jane smiled fiendishly at her. No one breathed, except Bella heaving in rasping lungfuls of air; nothing moved, except for Bella's chest heaving as tears coursed down her face. I was disoriented. What was happening to her?

"He's alright," Alice whispered, strained. _Are you?_ She asked silently, her thoughts full of anguish. I rolled my head to see Alice holding Bella back and blinked once in acknowledgment. I was relieved beyond words but still scared to death- just because Bella had not been hurt didn't mean she wouldn't be soon. I struggled to move, to sit up, and found almost immediately that I was just as agile as I had been before Jane's little punishment.

As I propelled myself to a standing position, my eyes were locked on Bella's, terrified, before I glanced at Jane. She was staring intensely at her, harnessing her mental weapon and channeling it into one concentrated area- Bella's heart.

Bella, however, seemed little more than confused. She turned her face toward Jane and stared bewildered into Jane's scarlet stare.

_Why won't she cower like the worm she is?_ Jane was thinking furiously. Felix and Alec were suspicious. Chelsea and Renata were anxious. Marcus was indifferent. Caius was incredulous. Aro was mesmerized.

Bella was… Bella. And her mind was what it had always been- completely impenetrable. I felt the tension leave my face and shoulders as I slipped from apprehension to alleviation. I dashed to her so quickly it wasn't even a movement; I simply wished to be by her side and found myself there immediately. I placed my fingertips on Alice's arm, and she nodded, releasing Bella to me.

Aro had begun to chuckle. "How wonderful!" he laughed.

Jane wasn't amused, however, and would have gone for a physical attack if Aro had not placed a restraining hand on her shoulder. "Don't be upset, dear one," he assured her. The grip Aro hand on her was tighter than he let on, but Aro's thoughts belied his comforting tone. "She confounds us all…"

Jane felt a surge of detestation that was almost as strong as the humiliation she felt she had brought on herself by being unsuccessful. She bared her teeth and shot Bella a seething look of pure hatred, but Aro attempted to make light of the tension in the room.

He was laughing softly in amazement as he turned his filmy gaze to me. "You were quite brave Edward, to go through that silently. I once asked Jane to try her powers out on me- out of curiosity, you know," he chuckled again. He shook his head wonderingly at me.

_You care for her so strongly… Your love for her is more intense than many others of our kind feel for their mates. Still…_

"Now what are we to do with you?" he sighed.

This was the judgment Alice and I had been both waiting for and dreading, and I felt her stiffness mirror my own as we stood tensely together. Bella had started quaking at my side, and I was hard pressed to maintain a calm exterior myself.

"I suppose there's no chance you've reconsidered our earlier offer?" Aro inquired, his eyebrows raised. "Your abilities would be a fantastic acquisition to our little fellowship."

His persuasive tone and hopeful words were eclipsed by Jane and Felix, who were practically radiating resentment. _Careful_, Alice thought deliberately at me.

"I would… prefer… not to," I replied cautiously. If I turned him down outright it might set them off as ungrateful, and no vampire in the history of the Volturi's existence- with the exception of their victims- had ever felt anything but admiration for their reign.

Aro was undeterred and turned to my sister. "Perhaps you would consider joining us, Alice?"

Taking my cue, Alice responded in kind. "Thank you for the generous offer, but no."

Unexpectedly, Aro then turned to Bella. "What about you, my dear?" he asked invitingly.

I was flabbergasted. What on earth could ever have given him the idea that Bella and I weren't a package deal? It was insulting, and revolting, and I hissed in contempt. He was taking a gamble that Bella's desire for immortality would override her connection to me- _to us_, I corrected myself mentally, because she loved my family as well. He was hoping if on the wild chance she accepted his offer that I would agree to join them myself, out of my devotion to Bella. Bella, who simply stared at Aro in disbelief.

Caius felt almost as insulted as I did. "What did you say?" he whispered between clenched teeth.

"Cauis!" Aro rebuked smilingly. "Certainly you're aware of the possibilities! We haven't come across such prospective talent since we discovered Alec and Jane. Can't you imagine the potential she would have as one of us?"

Caius' face twisted into an acidic grimace and he looked away, while Jane glared at us with revulsion. _To think he'd even consider the idea! _she thought indignantly._ Comparing her thick-headedness to our talented resources!_

Aro was momentarily entertaining the idea of killing Bella regardless, and allowing Jane to torture Alice and me in the name of punishment until we were all too grateful to join the Volturi guard. I could feel the tension rippling from me in waves of hostility, but Bella answered in a tremulous whisper, "No, thank you."

"That's too bad," Aro sighed wistfully. "Such unfortunate waste…"

Caius' words from my previous time in this room echoed from my lips in an angry hiss. "So it's join or die, then?" My eyes shot to Bella and I chose my words carefully so as not to alarm her of the severity of our location's gruesome history. "I should have guessed so when we were taken into _this_ chamber. So much for your justice," I sneered the last word.

Aro looked taken aback, but I could sense his mind make the shift to cover up his motives with a convenient story. "Absolutely not! We had already gathered in this room to wait until Heidi had returned, not to wait for you."

"Aro!" Caius growled. "They are claimed under the law!"

I turned swiftly to glower at Caius. "How?" I asked, demanding. He was bluffing and he knew it. Bella was not a vulnerability, but he seemed determined to portray her as one, and to condemn us for associating with her.

"She has seen too much, and you have betrayed our secrecy." He pointed an accusing finger toward us.

"Quite a good many humans are in on your little façade, also," I was quick to remind him.

"Yes, but only as long as they are still serviceable," he raised an eyebrow and his eyes glinted. "After their usefulness has expired, they shall act as nourishment. You have no such designs for this human. Should she betray your confidence and reveal our secrets, could you kill her? I don't think so!"

"I would never—" Bella began to protest weakly, but she was silenced with a hostile look from Caius.

His eyes lingered on her sharply before he looked my way again. "Nor do you plan to change her into one of our kind," he resumed. "In which case, she is a threat. Granted, because she alone poses the risk, you are free to go if you so desire," he said with syrupy sweetness. Aro had begun to frown at this turn of events.

I felt my lips curl back from my teeth.

"I thought so," he said with self-satisfaction.

He was one step away from snapping his fingers for us to be seized, and Felix was poised in enthusiasm, but Aro broke in.

"If only…" he stared pensively at Bella. _I had been hoping for a much more simple resolution to this little conundrum_, he thought unhappily. "If only it were your intention to make her one of us?" He let his words hang in the air like a question. The one thing I had sworn I would never even consider because of its tragic outcome was now presented to me as our only way out. Not only would I forfeit Bella's soul due to my stupidity and pride, it would be one step closer to Aro's vision of powerful possibilities.

"What if it is?" I asked carefully.

I was rewarded with a full grin from Aro now. I could feel Caius and Jane mentally recoil from the idea. "If that were the case, then you would all be at liberty to return home, with regards to my dear comrade Carlisle." He slowed, hesitated, and then added, "However, you would have to be… sincere in your declaration to give her immortality…" He lifted his hand in inquiry and looked expectantly at me.

I gazed at those gathered, waiting for my response, and settled my eyes on Bella. She was staring pleadingly at me, her ivory skin slightly flushed with her accelerated heartbeat and desperate breaths.

"Please," she begged in a whisper. "Mean it."

I felt torn. She looked as though she would cry any moment. Was this truly what it would come down to, then? I was caught and I knew it. The decision to trade Bella's soul for immortality was one I was as yet utterly unprepared to make! Caius knew it- he could see it in my eyes- and sat back smugly.

_Let me handle this_, Alice thought authoritatively. She pursed her lips, and deliberately pictured a scene I had tried for months not to imagine. Bella, cold and immortal. She walked purposefully toward Aro and lifted her hand to his level. Renata, Jane, Alec, and Felix all leaned forward anxiously, but he dismissed their unease with a wave of his hand. He walked towards her, meeting her in her approach, and his eyes gleamed with excitement as Alice placed her hand in his.

I held my breath as I saw Alice's mental concoction through Aro's mind…

My room- the gold tones in her vision sent a sharp ache through my heart as I thought of Esme- complete with a large, canopied bed. Bella would thrash, tangling the sheets, and her jaw would clench before she lay still, almost peacefully. I would be seated at her side, holding her hands. She would exhale one last breath, her heart would sound one last beat, and, in Alice's mind, her scarlet eyes would fly open as she looked in wonder at the room about her, and then sit up and catch my gaze. She would spring lithely from the bed as I embraced her, and Alice would flit joyfully over from the corner to hug us both against her petite frame, while calling down stairs for the rest of the family to come join us.

Aro's eyes grew bright as he took in this possible future, and his face broke into a smile. He laughed softly before looking up, as enthralled with what he had just seen as he was with Alice's means of delivering it to him. "That was mesmerizing!" he exclaimed.

"I'm pleased you found it to your liking," Alice responded aridly with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.

"To see the things you have seen- particularly ones that have not yet happened!" He gazed at her, enthralled, and shook his head.

"Not yet, but they shall," she calmly promised him.

"Of course, it is very much decided. That is most certainly not an issue." _And perhaps then you'd all be more inclined to join us_… he couldn't stop his mind from filling in.

The more sadistic members of the High Court seemed to wilt with resignation- Caius, Felix, and Jane all shared bitter, resentful thoughts, but Caius was the only one who dared to be vocal about his disappointment. He called Aro's name in disapproval.

"Caius, dear brother, don't worry," Aro smiled gently in return. "Consider the possibilities! Though they won't join us now, there's always the idea that they someday might!" He briefly indulged the thought. "Think of the delight our little fellowship would have that Alice alone could bring! Not to mention… I'm really very curious as to see what will become of Bella's transformation!"

I realized too late that with one touch, Aro would be all too aware of Alice's limitations, and the undefined, uncertain qualities of her visions. If her premonition of Bella's transformation was our ticket out of here, we had to act on it before it was too late.

"Are we able to leave, then?" I struggled to keep my tone light and courteous.

"Absoultely," Aro replied cordially. I would have exhaled in relief were it not too great of a hint to the ease of our escape. "Please come again, however. Our time together has been completely fascinating!"

Caius meanwhile had realized there was no glory to be had in pointless fury. "We shall come see you, also," he added, coldly and calmly. "We should need to ensure that you have kept your end of the bargain. If I were you, I wouldn't put this off for much longer. We don't give second chances," he warned burningly.

I clenched my jaw and bit back a retort, settling for only dipping my head in acknowledgment.

Caius simply smiled dangerously and moved to stand beside Marcus, who looked as if he were simply waiting for something. There was hardly any definition to his liquid thoughts- his primary reactions had been reduced to an almost automatic state.

Felix let out a sound of disappointment somewhere between a groan and a whine. He had come up with numerous ways to dispatch of us, and would get to use none of them.

"Felix," Aro grinned indulgently. "Be patient. Heidi will arrive soon."

Suddenly the object of Marcus' waiting was made quite clear. "Ah," I managed to say, and attempted to sound barely interested. "Perhaps, then, it would be a good idea to go as soon as possible."

"Mmm," Aro nodded. "An excellent idea, as… accidents… can occur. However, if it's not too much trouble, would you mind simply waiting here in the compound until after sunset?"

"Absolutely," I agreed. I would have agreed to almost anything at that point to get out of that room.

"Ah, Edward," Aro cleared his throat delicately and beckoned Felix and Demetri closer with a finger. Aro removed Felix's cloak and handed it to me. "You should put this on. You stand out a bit otherwise."

I grit my teeth and placed my arms through the sleeves. Felix stared at me hatefully and his mind was roiling with methods of execution, while Demetri stood silent and watchful from Aro's other side. Alice glanced at me quickly, her small face suddenly horrified, before allowing only her eyes to move and settle on the door.

_Edward, people are_— was all she was able to get out before Aro interrupted her.

He took one look at me and sighed. "It looks so becoming on you."

I laughed out of courtesy and would have said a lengthier farewell were it not for the footsteps I heard suddenly at the end of the hall. A hum of mental voices in a variety of emotions was moving steadily toward us- and they were all human. I understood Alice's look of panic now.

"I appreciate that, Aro. We will go below to wait."

"So long, my young friends," Aro dismissed us into Demetri's care as he stared at the door, his mouth welling with venom rapidly.

"Let's go," I urged Bella and Alice. As eager as I was to dissuade her from a future of immortality, I wasn't about to have her tortured with the sights and sounds of a Volturi feast- a natural act that displayed the essence of our kind.

Demetri motioned for us to follow him, and we turned to leave by the big wooden doors that we had come in through. I held Bella close as I pulled her along quickly with Alice on her other side. But Alice's face was set with lines of worry and determination.

"We weren't quick enough," she said softly.

I was about to respond as Bella looked up at her, obviously scared and in shock, but the mental voices I had heard earlier were now nearer and audibly vocal.

"This is different," an American tourist's stout voice echoed loudly.

"It's positively ancient!" trilled a nasal New England woman in reply.

Demetri gestured for us to move aside to let the oncoming tourists go by, and I desperately wanted to shield Bella's eyes from the potential victims that were headed for certain death only fifteen feet away. The doors that stood solidly before us were left open as the humans kept filing in. Aro's voice could be heard cheerfully.

"Welcome! Welcome to Volterra!" he sang out congenially.

Forty-six more people followed the first couple into the main chamber, most of whom seemed completely disoriented.

_What—Where am I? _

_How did I get here? What's going on?_

_I thought this tour was supposed to go to the square!_

_What's going on?_

_What's going on?_

_What's going on?_

The questions echoed through the minds of these unfortunate innocents, most in English, with the occasional Italian and even one Mexican woman thinking of the family she had only just left behind in an attempt to find a restroom. She clutched a rosary in her hand and was whispering the Lord's Prayer to herself over and over…

_Padre Nuestro, que estás en el cielo,  
Santificado sea tu Nombre…_

She turned to grip the sleeve of a nearby woman. "¿Sabe donde estamos nosotros?" The woman was too busy ogling the paintings on the walls.

"Permiteme, senor, pero ¿por que estamos aqui?" she frantically asked another man. He looked down at her, confused, and the woman grew more frantic.

I was pained by the innocence of this woman, and pressed Bella's face into my chest, rushing us through the door and into the quiet of the hallway. Heidi stood on the other side, about to enter, and she glanced at all of us before letting her eyes settle on Bella. Her thoughts were puzzlement, primarily, but her attention went to Demetri as he greeted her.

"Hello there, Heidi. Welcome home."

"Demetri," she answered. She smiled but it did not reach her eyes, which were fixed on Bella's trembling form and the cloak I wore. _A trial?_ She wondered. She sniffed subtly. _Why is he wearing Felix's cloak?_ _Why is the human involved? _

"Excellent fishing," Demetri continued.

She gave him a genuine smile and replied, "Thank you. Will you be joining us?"

"Soon. Save me some," he winked.

Heidi chuckled and nodded before slipping into the Main Chamber with one last look at Bella.

Before the doors had even clicked shut behind her I had taken off, Bella still secure in my arms. Alice's face was a mixture of apology and anguish. I had hoped to reach the elevator before Bella would be exposed to any clue whatsoever to the travesty that was about to begin behind us, but Alice had been right- we weren't quick enough. All I could do was hold Bella close as the screams began.

**That's one thing I definitely don't think I could handle if I were a vampire! *shudders* Next chapter we get to enjoy the sweetness of Bella & Edward's reunion- at least from Edward's standpoint, anyway! (= **

**I've been thinking about doing a one-shot of how Marcus lost Didyme… what do you guys think? Let me know in the reviews!**

*****¿Sabe donde estamos nosotros? = Do you know where we are?  
**

**Permiteme, senor, pero ¿por que estamos aqui? = Excuse me, sir, but why are we here?**

**_Padre Nuestro, que estás en el cielo, Santificado sea tu Nombre… = Our Father, who art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name...  
_**


	20. Escape

**Well kids, seems like it's never a dull moment… One of my aunts (on my father-in-law's side) passed away a few days ago (Don't worry… she was in a lot of pain and it was just her time. The Big C is never fun, but she's in a much better place now.) and one of my **_**other**_** aunts (on my dad's side) got married! I came to the wedding but she lives out in the boonies & had no internet, so I've just been waiting a few days to get back to my beloved Firefox & get this out to you. Then, on top of everything, I found out Monday night that McLovin & I are EXPECTING! I go to the doc tomorrow so cross your fingers for a good visit. So far so good but I have learned that morning sickness has NOTHING to do with "mornings" LOL. Might be off the radar for a bit while things get settled. Till then, happy reading!**

**Stephenie Meyer lives with her husband and so do I. Stephenie Meyer is a woman and so am I. Stephenie Meyer likes Muse and so do I. That's almost about it for as much as we have in common, because Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and I do not. *sigh* (actually she can keep The Saga if she'd just gimme Jasper LOL)**

Chapter 19: Escape

When we arrived in the anteroom office I felt the first slight stirrings of relief, but it was largely overshadowed by the gravity of our situation. The danger we were in hovered like a monster, waiting to break the spell of those bare traces of hope and devour us at the slightest moment: a change of heart from Aro, a renegade execution by Caius, even another attempt by Jane to carry out new orders, out of sight of the slaughtering that was taking place. Demetri's mind was on the macabre feast that awaited him as he bade us farewell, with a reminder to stay until after dark, before vanishing back to the room we hadn't vacated quickly enough to spare Bella from certain nightmares.

Gianna's mind was curious at the presence of the dark cloak I wore, but I ignored her. My eyes were glued to Bella.

I l felt like stress had permanently etched its fretful lines into my face forever. She stood shaking and silent, so I did my best to sound calm.

Lowering my mouth to her ear I asked, "Bella… are you alright?"

"She should sit down before she falls down," Alice spoke up softly. "She's falling apart." She was staring at us with all the love and concern of a sister, and worth her weight in gold. I would have to find some gift, some monumental way to thank her for all this when it was over…

A mournful noise, a heartbreaking noise that was part sob and part wail, sounded from Bella's lips. The noise was pure grief; I'd never seen Bella like this. Not when she was almost cornered by those monsters in Port Angeles, not when she had been trapped by James, not when Jasper had flung himself at her last fall, never. She was shuddering, shaking so hard from the anguished cries that wracked her fragile body that heeding Alice's advice was suddenly the best idea in the world. I led her over to one of the couches in the corner of the room, far away from Gianna and her curious ears. "Shh," I soothed. "Shh, Bella…"

"I think she's going into hysterics. Perhaps you should slap her," Alice offered in a badly-timed effort at helpfulness. Her primary suggestion had been entirely more practical, and I shot her a look with all the warning I could muster before pulling Bella onto my lap. Maybe "monumental" was a bad adjective for Alice's potential gift; "obligatory thank-you note" was sounding better at the moment.

"You're safe, it's fine, you're alright," I repeatedly babbled. I didn't know what else to say. There was nothing else _to_ say. All I could do at this point was try to get her mind off of things. I tucked the thick wool cloak snugly about her in an effort to warm her shivering body and disconnect my frigid skin from hers. I had in my unworthy arms the most selfless creature in existence, and nothing I could say would fix what I had so stupidly broken.

"Th-those p-p-p-poor p-p-people!" she cried.

"I know, I know," I replied, wretchedly insufficient.

"It's terrible!" she sniffed, shaking her head.

"It is," I agreed grimly. "I sincerely wish you hadn't had to witness that."

She laid her head wearily against my chest and wiped her eyes with the thick folds of fabric that separated us. She took a deep breath, then another, and tried to physically slow her heart rate.

I was trying to calm myself also, but only because I could feel my temper rising, as I had noticed Gianna nosily staring at us while pretending to keep her attention on her computer screen. She'd begun to walk toward us when she saw Bella finally attempt to speak, and stood over us now with all the detached hospitality of a dismissive hotel clerk.

"Can I fetch you anything?" she asked sweetly, placing a hand on the sofa back behind me and leaning in close.

"No," I replied flatly. I flashed a glance to Alice, who was sitting on Bella's other side, hands on her knees and back straight. She was sifting through the possible outcomes of our stay here, and hardly paying attention, but at the sound of Gianna's voice her mind conjured up an image too horrific to dwell on. I gave a small shudder and watched her leave with some sympathy, but no real feeling for the future that awaited her. Gianna was very determined to get what she wanted, despite knowing the truth of her presence in Volterra- that she was a helpful pawn whose helpfulness would soon expire. When put to the useless task- conjured of by Caius as a test of loyalty- to kill a human without pity and without asking questions, her face would be entirely too serene as she'd slowly slide a knife blade across the chest of a screaming—

"Is she aware of just what happens here?" Bella was demanding.

I focused my attention on her and nodded. "She's aware of everything."

"Can't she tell that they could kill her someday?"

"She is… aware that it is possible," I replied carefully. "She hopes they will choose to keep her."

"Keep her?" Bella mouthed. "She wants to _be_ one of them?"

This was not the ideal subject with which to take Bella's attention away from the events that had so recently transpired. I nodded, slowly, my mouth set in a grim line. The shock in her voice would have been comical at any other time; just a few months ago she herself had pled to "be one of us".

She trembled violently and whispered softly, "How could she want that? How can she sit there, watching all those people go into that torture chamber, and actually want to be involved with them?"

I felt my face grimace. Did she not understand? The Volturi were simply the purest essence of what we were! They were the same as we, were it not for different choices in diet. They hid themselves the same way my family did. In the end we were all vampires- soulless monsters who thirsted to prey on human beings. Her reaction to seeing what she had seen was proof that she was still completely unaware of just how much she was asking for when she asked to be a vampire. It was proof that she didn't know what she would be getting herself into. And it was proof enough for me to search even further for a compromise- one that would allow me to stay with her if she'd have me, and one that would save her soul from damnation via a terminal case of bloodlust.

Tears welled up in her eyes again and she was suddenly swept up in a fresh storm of tears. "Oh, Edward!" she cried.

"What's the matter?" I asked anxiously as she twined her arms around my neck and clung to me. Perhaps it had hit home… perhaps she was seeing the truth of what I had pondered only moments before. Perhaps she was realizing just what being a vampire would mean, and realizing it was not what she wanted after all…

"Am I totally demented for being happy right now?" she asked in a sob, snuggling closer.

I felt like all the unnecessary air had been sucked out of my lungs. She was clutching me so tightly, pulling me closer to her, not repelled by me at all. She was happy? Happy to be here, with me? I could have _sung_ with the relief that was starting to trickle stronger into my mind and I held her closer as well. I didn't understand her reasons, but I definitely understood what she meant, and I told her so. "We have so many reasons to be happy, Bella. We're both alive, for starters."

"That's a good one," she nodded. "We are alive."

"And with each other," I continued.

She nodded again, slower this time, and breathed deeply.

"And, with luck, both of us will still be living tomorrow," I murmured with a glance at Alice.

"I hope so," Bella responded.

"Our prospects are very good," Alice piped up with satisfaction. "Within twenty-four hours I'll be with Jasper again."

I was starting to feel giddy now. Alice's vision of Jasper's outstretched arms, my family behind him in the airport, gave me the push I needed to really begin to feel comfortable. I stared at Bella, feasting my eyes on the planes of her face- her sweet lips, her creamy skin, her chocolate eyes… eyes that looked ringed with sleep-deprivation.

I brushed my fingers around her eyes. "You look exhausted," I murmured.

"And you look thirsty," she answered. Her eyes never left mine.

I gave a nonchalant shrug. Hunting was the absolute last thing on my mind at the moment. I didn't want to let Bella out of my sight. "Don't worry about it."

"Really? Because I could move, I could go sit near Alice," she said with some hesitation in her voice.

"Don't be absurd," I reassured her. "I have never been more in control of _that_ part of myself than I am at this moment."

Bella's blood was what kept her alive. I could never, ever even think about the possibility of me being the one to take that away from her ever again. Somehow, the flames that used to cause me such agony before were now like embers. I'm sure it was mostly mind over matter, but I knew I would never see Bella as potential prey. Not after today.

"Would you still want to fly out of Pisa?" Alice was asking me. "I don't know if Bella will be able to handle all the traveling, but there's a quicker flight going out of Florence."

"If we fly out of Florence we'll have to stop in Rome," I pointed out.

"Ye-es," she replied slowly. But it would get us out of _Volterra_ faster. Isn't that what we ultimately want?"

I considered her words and realized she was right. "We're going to have to find a way to get to Florence, then," I said doubtfully, looking at Bella's familiar wonder-filled face. I should have known Alice better.

"I'll take care of that part," she sat back with a smug smile. "There's a Lamborghini dealership about forty miles from here…"

I felt my eyes widen. I began to protest, "There is _no_ way—"

"Oh, come on Edward!" She looked at me with sorrow-filled eyes that I didn't buy for a minute. "We're not all going to fit in the Porsche, not with all Bella's things…"

"Porsche?" I found myself laughing out the question. Alice was incredible.

"Yes, Porsche," she glared. "It's fast and I've already returned it but I could just as easily go get it back if it weren't for the fact we wouldn't all fit," she repeated. "So—"

"Alice!" I hissed. "A _Lamborghini_? We'll need to be inconspicuous—"

"We'll need to be _fast!_"she interrupted pleadingly.

"-and stealing a Lamborghini," I continued, undeterred, "will only create the opposite of that effect."

She pouted. Any other time, I would have gladly consented. But ditching even a stolen bicycle at Aeroporto di Firenze would raise the Volturi's collective eyebrows, and I didn't want to leave so much as a whisper of our stay here. I wanted to get out, and get out cleanly. My eyes traveled back to Bella's.

"Fine," she grunted. "I'll see what I can do."

"I'm sure you're figure something out," I smiled victoriously. I really had missed my sister.

But I had missed Bella even more. "Missed"... That doesn't even seem to be the proper word for it. It's as though a part of my very self had gone missing, or died... I shuddered. _No_, I amended mentally. _Not 'died'. She didn't die; she's alive and so am I. And we're together._ I reminded myself of my earlier words and looked at her in amazement for the 346th time. She had never taken her eyes off of me.

"What did Aro mean with all that talk about 'singers'?" Alice switched topics, her mind already coming up with vehicular back-up plans.

"_La tua cantante_," I repeated thoughtfully.

"Right. What was he talking about?"

I shrugged. "Apparently they have a formal name for a human whose scent is as appealing as Bella's is to me. They say she's a _singer_, because her very blood sings for me." I raised an eyebrow at her.

Alice giggled. _How incredibly theatrical they all are_, she sighed mentally. _If it weren't for having Bella in our lives I'd say I've never seen such a pathos for drama! _

I gave what was my best attempt at a smile but it was incomplete, especially when I realized how intently Bella was staring at me. She was so captivated... Was she contemplating the seriousness of what it meant to be one of us? I continued to remain politely active in my conversation with Alice, but couldn't help be distracted by the tiny bit of heaven in my arms.I would find my face buried into her dark tresses, inhaling their scent. My lips would graze her sweet brow, or gently press against the very end of her nose. I couldn't bear to think she would forgive me so readily as to let me kiss her the way I wanted to, but I would take what little snatches of affection I could get at the moment. Alice was grandly ignoring my lack of total attention on her, but I felt understanding radiating from her in waves as she continued speaking.

"Well at least now that we've decided we're definitely going to be leaving out of Florence things are looking up. Once we leave," she said cautiously, "I'll fetch Bella's things from under the counter of the Museum Gift Shop- I hid them there earlier."

I nodded. Bella was still gazing rapturously at me; we had been speaking so low she hadn't caught a word. Or if she had, she was evidently too high-strung to notice.

_Alec,_ Alice thought abruptly. We swept our eyes to the door at the end of the room and waited.

His mind was a hum of pleasure as he walked into the room. I felt Bella flinch against me, but Alec was the picture of congeniality- if one could picture congeniality with scarlet red eyes.

"You may go now," he announced cheerfully. "All we request is that you do not stay long in Volterra."

I didn't need my mental talent to read the thoughts behind his words: Get out, get out now, and get out quickly. I also didn't need to be told twice.

"That will not be difficult," I answered flatly.

He exuded nothing but graciousness and tranquility, but I was more than glad to see him leave.

I helped Bella stand as Gianna looked up pleasantly from her desk and addressed us.

"Just keep going down the hallway on the right and use the first set of elevators around the corner. Go down two floors and the lobby has exits directly to the street. Take care, now." She smiled politely at us.

Alice flashed her a warning look. You_ should take care,_ she thought, _and get out while you still can._

Again, I felt a short-lived rush of sympathy for her. Demetri would feel no remorse after killing her, but neither would she feel any remorse for the lives she would torture beforehand.

I felt Bella heave a relieved sigh as we left. After descending through the proper elevator we made our way onto the streets below. Alice took off ahead of us.

_Be right back_, she thought, her mind on retrieving Bella's things and finding a vehicle that was suitable enough in her eyes.

The streets were clogged with celebrants of the festival. This older, more wild crowd of party-goers traipsed here and there throughout the town. Some of them were drunk, some just drifting, others were singing through plastic fangs that they'd placed in their mouths and dramatically swirling their capes.

"Absurd," I mumbled in disgust. At least I blended in, but Bella turned to me, panicked.

"What happened to Alice?" she asked, alarmed.

"She left to fetch your luggage from where she'd hidden it earlier," I soothed.

"Let me guess- she's also stealing a car?" she grinned slightly.

"Only after we're outside," I smiled back. Alice had already nearly returned with a black Lancia Delta she had acquired from an unobservant human who had been too wrapped up in the festivities to notice. A stolen car from the festival would barely make a ripple in the police radio waves, considering how many other, similar crimes had been and would be committed tonight.

Bella seemed so drained I put my arm around her waist and half-carried her while we walked. As we took our final steps out of the compound and under the stone arch, she gave a slight shudder. I felt my heart constrict. I had put her through so much... she deserved so much more from me than the feeble apologies I could only offer... yet I couldn't let her go. I briefly paused in wonder once I realized I'd felt my heart at all. The hollow, aching void I had felt from the lack of her presence seemed completed, all traces of any emptiness gone.

Once we reached the car, I climbed into the back to sit next Bella.

We took off immediately. "Sorry about this," Alice grimaced, waving in disgust to the center console. "But there weren't a whole lot of choices."

I chuckled to myself. Heaven forbid Alice Cullen drive a _family_ car. "Don't worry about it," I replied with a smile. "Not every car can be a Porsche."

"I think I might have to find a way to obtain one of those legally. It was marvelous," she sighed, her eyes flashing to meet mine in the rear-view mirror. She could already see it in our garage with an outrageous bow on top, and her gaze became pleading and expectant.

"I'll buy you one as a Christmas gift," I said laughingly.

She twisted all the way around to look at me this time, her pixie face radiant with her smile. "Make it yellow," she added.

I inclined my head, the grin spreading across my face as well.

Bella was sinking into me, heavy with sleep. She snuggled against me and I said softly, "You can rest now. It's finished, Bella."

She swallowed before snapping her head up. "I'm not sleepy. I don't want to rest."

"Try," I breathed against her neck.

She shook her head silently.

"You are just as resilient as you've always been," I sighed.

She said nothing else for the remainder of the car ride, but a smug determination shone from her face.

We reached the airport in record time, even for Alice. She darted into a nearby shop and purchased a new set of clothes for me, griping about how little time we had to truly go shopping before hauling Bella into the bathroom to refresh herself.

I stared after them, flooded with gratefulness I didn't know how to express. I shed Felix's cloak- loathsome garment- onto a pile of refuse near a dumpster outside the terminal and went inside to the empty, echoing men's room. I looked at my reflection for what felt like an eternity. Any ideas of what to say, or do, to earn Bella's forgiveness avoided me. All I could do was ask and hope for the best. If she said no, then... I didn't know what I would do, considering it was she who instilled hope in me to begin with. But I'd cross that bridge when I came to it. I shook myself resolutely, splashed some water on my face, and changed in time to catch our brief flight to Rome.

On our way from Rome to Atlanta, I tried encouraging Bella to sleep now that we had so much time stretching before us. She stubbornly refused, even asking for the flight attendant to bring her a soda.

"Bella!" I chided. With her low tolerance for caffeine, a Coke would keep her awake for hours.

"I don't want to sleep," she insisted. "If I sleep now, I'll only remember things I don't feel like remembering. It will give me bad dreams."

I swallowed past a lump in my throat and nodded. I supposed there was no contradicting that, even though the rings under Bella's eyes belied her lack of exhaustion.

Alice was on the phone with Jasper, reassuring him that we would be home soon and arranging how and when to meet. I learned from her thoughts that Rosalie felt positively miserable but didn't spare her a thought, except to briefly consider never speaking to her again.

I didn't speak. I _couldn't_ speak. I simply kept Bella in my arms, feeling unworthy of even doing that, and kept my mouth shut as she drank soda after soda. I selfishly let my fingers run over her face, tracing her forehead, cheeks, and jaw over and over again. I couldn't stop. It was like hit after hit of the most delicious, most thrilling drug, and never running out. I would use this time while it lasted, and having her against me felt so right I couldn't stop myself from going a step further and bringing my lips to her hair, her forehead- even her wrists- but I didn't dare bring my lips to hers. It hurt to admit but if I was being honest, Bella's kisses, how she chose to give them, and _who_ she chose to give them to, were rights I had no access to anymore.

I couldn't speak, so I didn't. As we made our way off the plane and into the terminal at Sea-Tac Airport, I didn't miss Bella's look of triumph at having stayed awake for our whole trip.

_They'll be in the far corner_, Alice thought, a trifle impatiently. She was eager to return to Jasper after an almost certain death.

Sure enough, the faces of my family peered up in relief as they caught sight of us. Alice ran faster than was strictly normal for a human but kept her eyes on Jasper the entire time. He exhaled with relief as she flitted to his side, and for a good five minutes they saw no one but each other. For what felt like the thousandth time, I was grateful beyond words for Alice. I thought her Porsche might not wait til Christmas, but got distracted as Esme reached and pulled Bella into a tight embrace.

_Oh thank goodness, _she thought, close to weeping as possible. Carlisle was choked up also, but was instantly forgiving- more than I deserved.

_Welcome home, son,_ he thought, his mental voice thick with emotion.

Esme found herself inadvertently hugging me, too, since I couldn't bring myself to release Bella. "Oh, thank you, Bella. Thank you _so_ much!" she whispered in Bella's ear. She then placed both her arms around me squeezed me tightly. "Don't you ever, _ever _make me endure something like that again!" she scolded.

I was more than sorry for what I had done, but kept things simple with an "I'm sorry, Mom," and a repentant grin.

Carlisle was addressing Bella. "Thank you," he said sincerely. "We are in your debt, Bella."

"Not really," she protested weakly. Her lack of sleep was catching up with her now, past the point of hiding.

"Goodness!" Esme turned to chastise me. "She's barely half-alive! We need to take her home."

She came to support Bella's other side, and we helped her out of the airport. Jasper held onto Alice, and she rubbed the back of his hand in soothing, continuous circles as we made our way out of the terminal. Carlisle left us to go get Bella's bags, but returned shortly.

_Rosalie is outside,_ my father thought towards me. _Emmett is… waiting with her. He didn't want to leave her alone…_

I could feel his hesitation, mixed with the overwhelming relief that we were home and home safely, but once we reached the parking garage I felt myself tense with anger.

"Stop," Esme murmured. "She already feels terrible."

"As well she should," I spoke through clenched teeth. Rosalie was staring at the floor, her eyes rising briefly to meet mine and then swiftly resting on the floor again.

"Ih-issn-huh-foll," Bella mumbled, practically delusional with exhaustion. Esme raised an eyebrow questioningly at me.

"She said, 'It isn't her fault,'" I translated. "But I beg to differ," I seethed.

"Give her a chance, Edward," Esme begged. "We can ride home with Jasper and Alice; give you time to talk things out."

I simply stared at Rosalie, who gripped Emmett's hand. At that point, however, I wasn't sure Emmett would stop me from giving Rosalie a couple of days' worth of a marred face to stare back at her through the mirrors she was so fond of.

"Edward, please," Bella sighed with an effort at staying coherent.

I sighed with an effort at calming myself down. Esme thought, _We'll call Charlie to give him a heads up that you're on your way over. It's only right we let him know now that Bella is safe._ I nodded once and she turned to give Carlisle's hand a squeeze as they made their way over to Jasper's car.

_Sorry, oh I'm so sorry Edward!_ Rosalie burst out mentally. _I wish I could have taken back—_

But I simply opened the door of the backseat and pulled Bella into the car. Rosalie swallowed and she and Emmett silently got into the car. Bella finally closed her eyes with a sigh and leaned against me, which made me glad. Some of the things I planned to say to Rosalie weren't fit for anyone's ears.

My sister didn't speak until Emmett started the car. When she finally did, she addressed me directly. "Edward…"

"Save it," I snarled. "I already know."

She swallowed, blinked, and nodded, focusing on Bella.

"B…Bella?" she inquired gently.

Bella's eyes flew open as she stared at Rosalie in fear. No genuine terror, but definitely genuine discomfort. As far back as I could remember, Rosalie had never said a word to Bella herself. Plenty of words _about _Bella, but nothing directly to her. The fact that she would seek Bella's forgiveness now for making such a colossal mistake made tension ripple across my shoulders.

"Ye-es, Rosalie?" she quavered.

"Bella, I am so, so sorry… I feel utterly miserable about everything- for the way I've treated you, for how I've acted… and for jumping to conclusions when I should have thought before I spoke. But I'm also thankful... beyond words... that you were brave enough to go after my brother and save him the way you did. Please—could you—forgive me?"

I'd never heard Rosalie so forlorn and repentant, but I was still angry. Perhaps not so much at what she'd done, but the way she'd done it- calling me the way she had, assuming Bella was dead and telling me I could now get over my "sulking fit" and come home. Even if Bella _had_ been…dead- my mind mentally stuttered over that appalling word- I cared for her more that Rose had ever realized, and she treated Bella like so much trash. It was ridiculous to feel such unnecessary resentment, but Bella was Bella- completely forgiving and gracious- even when sleepy to the point of passing out.

"Absolutely, Rosalie," she said without hesitation. Her voice sounded weary, but she continued, "It isn't your fault… I'm the idiot who jumped from the supid cliffff. Uh cuss I fuhgibb yuh, Rosuheee…" Her words drifted into an exhausted garbling.

Emmett laughed. "That doesn't count til she's awake, Rose."

Bella gave another mumbled sigh. "Let her sleep," I admonished. I supposed I couldn't be quite so hard on Rosalie, since I had made the error of leaving Bella to begin with. What I thought was for her own good had turned into a nightmare, one we almost didn't wake up from, but Bella could sleep easy now. As it was, she had already started snoring softly, her heart beat sweeter than any song in the world.

"Honestly, Rose," I said heatedly. "I hope this convinces you she's not a simple infatuation. I love her, Rosalie… _love_ her- more than anything." My voice grew thick and choked with emotion but I felt no shame at showing Rosalie how important Bella was.

"I know that now… and I promise you, I didn't mean to make you think I thought she was unimportant—that was never my intention—"

"Your intentions be damned, Rosalie," I growled. "I'm _quite_ sure the results of your little escapades have enlightened you beyond your expectations, did they not?" I couldn't keep the venomous tone out of my words. Emmett raised his eyebrows at me and I made an effort to calm down. "Your ridiculous vendetta against Bella has been nothing but bitter jealousy from the start." I almost hated calling out her real reasons for such a hostile attitude, but I needed to make her see that she needed to change. As it was, Rosalie would have blushed if she could have- from embarrassment at the truth of my words.

"I don't _like_ being able to know everything," I sighed wearily. "Contrary to popular belief, I find it overwhelming most of the time. But I can't hide this around you, not anymore. I know what you thought of her then and I know what you think of her now, and I need you to realize that we're staying together- regardless of what happens. She's mine," I ended in a growl. Somehow saying it made it seem that much more believable, even though I had no clue what Bella would ultimately decide. I pushed down those painful thoughts and brought my attention to Rosalie one final time as we turned down Bella's street. "At the very least, you could be civil to her," I concluded.

Rosalie's voice was a humble whisper. "I don't know what else to say except 'sorry'… but I will try," she promised. And she meant it. It was the least I could ask for.

It was nearly eleven in the morning when we pulled into Bella's driveway, and I came around the car at an agonizingly slow human pace—I felt as though my arms ached from not holding her, even for those brief seconds—to open the door to pick Bella up. My siblings remained in the car, Emmett reassuring Rose that I would forgive her in time and things would be fine. I didn't want to stop and contradict him, because "time" was an understatement, and Charlie was peering from the curtains.

Charlie rushed to the door, flung it open, and his face and thoughts were a combination of relief and anxiety- relief to see her home in one piece, anxious because she was in my arms.

"Bella!" he called, running down the front steps.

Bella stirred in my arms. She said her father's name in a slur of tired syllables, and I shushed her to go back to sleep. "It's fine; you're safe and you're home," I said gently. As much as I wanted Bella to stay asleep, I equally—selfishly—wanted to keep holding her.

"I do not _believe_ that you would dare step _one foot_ onto my property!" Charlie raged. "Of all the nerve!"

"Charlie," Bella groaned. "Just stop…"

Bella's words were indecipherable to Charlie's ears, and he turned to glare at me accusingly. "What did you do? What's the matter with her?"

I was not upset; it didn't feel right. Fear was Charlie's primary motivation… images of Bella being carried limply in Sam Uley's arms, her face almost translucent it was so pale… I shuddered mentally at the memories that were flashing across Charlie's panicked mind.

"She's merely exhausted," I tried to speak calmly. "Just allow her to sleep, please," I half-begged. I didn't need anything—not even her own father—upsetting Bella anymore than she already was.

_Stuck-up little…_ Charlie's outraged mind began. "Don't you order me around!" he bellowed. "Take your hands off of her! Give her to me!"

I stiffened but tried to diplomatically release Bella into Charlie's waiting arms. Bella, however, clung to me with an embrace so fierce Charlie couldn't pry her arms from around my neck.

"Dad, stop it," she announced, slightly clearer. She opened her eyes and turned to focus on Charlie. "Be angry with me, not him," she said wearily.

"Oh, I will," Charlie vowed between clenched teeth. "Get into the house _now_."

Bella sighed. "Alright." She turned back to me, "Go ahead and put me down."

I let the arm supporting Bella's knees slide out from under her and set her gently upright. She made it two steps before stumbling- whether due to Bella's exhaustion or usual lack of coordination I couldn't tell, but I wasn't taking any chances.

"At least allow me to take her to her room," I asked Charlie, picking Bella up once more. "I'll go then."

Charlie nodded grudgingly at the same instant that Bella exclaimed a frantic "No!"

"Don't worry, I'll stay close," I murmured softly enough for only her to hear. She wilted against me and I took my time, under the pretense that I was being careful with her— only so as to prolong what might be my last moments of closeness with her. The fact that she had clung to me so tightly a few minutes ago could just be the result of sleep-deprivation and habit; once she awoke in the morning she might very well reconsider her desired level of attachment to me.

She looked so sweet, my Bella… so peaceful. I didn't bother correcting myself anymore, for this _was_ "my Bella." Even if after this night she told me that she couldn't stand me, I would always remember her this way- skin, hair, eyes, heartbeat, everything. Even her scent. Or rather, especially her scent, because the stinging burn I usually felt was oddly more tolerable at the moment. I was sure that the way she smelled to me now— ALIVE— would overshadow any other adjectives I could come up with for her aroma. I didn't think I could step out of her life completely after having failed miserably at it, but—if she asked me to—I would try my damnedest to be her friend, and I would never let her see how broken it made me. _This_ way, she was mine.

Once in her room there was no need to peel the covers back, because her bed looked hastily vacated. I nestled her among the blankets, and had to tug slightly harder than usual to pull her hands from their grip on my shirt. I caressed her sleeping face and stole a kiss from her brow, but it wasn't enough. I swore at myself for being so selfish but couldn't help it. I needed more. I pressed my lips briefly but firmly to hers and tore myself away. "I'll be right back," I whispered.

It was with a heavy tread that I made my way down the stairs to Charlie. He stood waiting for me, arms crossed, mind blazing with murderous (and, to his credit, righteous) wrath at the foot of the stairs.

"I will say this once, and once only, so you better listen good," he growled. "You will not walk through my front door ever again. You will not so much as _breathe_ on my daughter. And your father should expect a very serious phone call from me, young man. You. Are no longer. _Welcome_ here," he hissed.

I nodded my head seriously. "Yes Chief Swan," I acknowledged. His thoughts clearly spelled out that he wanted nothing more from me, but I needed to at least attempt to offer some sort of contrition for my actions. "I apologize for the undue stress this has caused for your family," I began.

"Undue stress?" Charlie asked incredulously, his face turning a distinct shade of purple. "You don't even know—"

"I _do _know," I replied somewhat more sharply than I'd intended. Charlie's eyes widened. I took a deep breath and began again. "I'm sorry, Chief Swan. But without Bella I wouldn't be… alive… right now," I stated, more honest that he would ever know. "I don't expect you to understand, and I'm sorry I can't explain more, but I do realize that you don't want me here any longer so I'll go now. Just… don't be too hard on Bella. She was only doing what she thought was right."

_How dare he tell me what to do with my own daughter!_ he was thinking. He didn't pay much attention to my hack-job of an explanation, but Charlie's patience was wearing thinner and thinner so I didn't bother saying any more. I walked toward the car and climbed in, leaving Charlie on the lawn for a moment before he hurried into the house.

"Where to, bro?" Emmett asked. Rosalie was silent, looking into her lap.

"Just drop me off at the end of the street. I'll run back from there," I answered nonchalantly.

Emmett chuckled. "Figures," he muttered with a grin. He gunned the engine and got me to the corner going 60.

"I might be a while," I warned with one foot already out the door.

Rosalie glanced up at me timidly. "Take your time," she said.

We shared a look of what was possibly the beginning of a new understanding, and then I quickly shut the door before racing back to Bella's house. No one was around or awake, so I used the moment to run as I'd never run before— to my only true love.

**Baby Snapcrakklepop says Please Review!**


	21. Author's Note

**OK so I've tried starting this letter 5 times & I end up scrapping it each time. This time I figure "Pfft. I'm just gonna do this and if it comes out as a convoluted mess then oh well!"**

**I'm sick again. Yes. Again. For those of you wondering, I have a condition called Hyperemesis Gravidarum, which basically translates to "Excessive Vomiting during pregnancy." (Don't dwell on the details.)**

**I am in the hospital for the third time in 6 weeks. I've lost 13 pounds at a time when I'm supposed to be gaining weight b/c I can't keep anything down, and at this point I'm being fed liquid nutrition by a PICC line, which is basically a tube that goes in my arm, up my vein, and to my heart. You can Google it. (; And again, don't dwell on the details.**

**The baby is fine and better than fine. Heartbeat's good, it's growing well, and thank God it's nutritional needs are low at this point in the pregnancy. I'm 13 weeks along, by the way. (= **

**If you haven't figured it out at this point, I guess it's time for me to suck it up and spill: I'm having to postpone finishing BLACKOUT until I get healthy. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! It breaks my heart to do it esp. because I've been working on Chapter 20 for the last 2 months, paragraphs at a time, and I was almost finished with it before I started getting really sick.**

**I have half a mind to just put up what I've got even though I had to quit at a really awkward, sucky place in the story. (Seriously, it's like in the middle of a dialogue.)**

***sigh***

**The meds they just gave me made me really sleepy so I'm gonna check out for now, kiddos. For those of you who are fed up with my lack of regular updates, I bow to you & thank you for sticking with me this far. You guys are incredible for coming to check me out to begin with and I will hold no grudges or hard feelings if you decide to part ways with my fic here. For the rest of you adorably crazy people who intend to see this through to the end, I'm beyond grateful to you for your continued patience, and I promise I WILL finish this story.**

**Faith~*~hope~*~love**


	22. UPDATE

**Hellooooooo me lovelies! *HUGS HUGS HUGS KISSES KISSES KISSES* GOSH I've missed you all so much… BUT! I'm pleased to announce that I will be back soon! I'm about six months along now and while I'm still nauseous practically every day, I'm keeping food down. (Whee!) The nausea just comes & goes so it's more manageable. I doubt you really want the stupid day-to-day boring details so on to business.**

**One- May I just state for the record that HG is a bitch of a medical condition. A BITCH! If Hyperemesis gravidarum was ever a living, flesh-and-blood person, I would find her, corner her, and kick her in the cooter. I feel for any woman who has had to go through this and if you know anyone who ever gets this sick during pregnancy, hug her and tell her to hold on- it doesn't last forever. I promise.**

**Two- I would have just picked up where I left off and posted the next installment of BLACKOUT instead of this (a "Hi, I'm still alive" greeting wasn't the point of this A/N) but… *facepalm* my laptop's powercord is shredded and it's going to be a few days til the new one comes in. I don't really feel like re-writing the next chapter (read: I forgot what I wrote & I'm too lazy to start from scratch) so as soon as I get the new cord, charge up my laptop, and get it running, I'll upload the long-awaited continuation of my fic. THANK YOU, _muchisimas_ Gracias, Merci beaucoup, and other random heartfelt expressions of gratitude to all of you for patiently sticking around and being so darn loyal. I love you. I love you. I love you.**

**Three- When I sat down to finish up the last little bits of Ch. 20, it hit me that it's been so long since I read over what I'd written that I don't feel connected to this story at all. That said, I've been going over things chapter by chapter & doing a little housecleaning. Once things are polished up I'll feel better about picking up where I left off.  
**

**Last but definitely not least, Number Four- It's a boy. We're naming him Ethan. (=**

**BLACKOUT Chapter 20… coming soon.**

**—Snapcrakklepreggo (;**


	23. Honesty

**I think I earned the title "World's Slackerest Slacker"… and if I didn't, then I just made it up. (Can't you tell by the word "slackerest"? LOL!) Big thanks to all the people who've reviewed so far & encouraged me to keep it up til I finished. I don't wanna get any more in the way of what you're really here for, so I'll get the necessary out of the way: Stephenie Meyer = owner of Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Furniture… *ahem* wait, what? I mean… (; **

**Chapter 20: Honesty**

I had already made it about three feet into Charlie's yard when I forced myself to an abrupt stop. It occurred to me that perhaps Charlie would stay home today, and exultantly bounding up into his daughter's bedroom window might not cast me in the best light. I debated for a moment about whether to kill some time until Charlie was soundly snoring or to just stay in Bella's room and hide if he came in to check on her, when I heard the low hum of an engine quickly approaching Bella's house. I tensed and whirled around, but my paranoia was unnecessary.

_Forget something?_ Alice mentally called out from the driver's seat, still four houses down.

I felt my shoulders drop and my lips curl up in relief as she expertly parked and hopped out of my silver Volvo.

I smiled at her inquiringly. "How did you-?"

"I called Jasper on our way home from Italy, don't you remember? It wasn't just an intercontinental declaration of love, you know," Alice teased. "I told him where your car would be and he and Rosalie went down to retrieve it for you," she finished with triumph.

I felt my face harden slightly. "Rosalie?"

Alice's eyes became guarded and she seemed to choose her words carefully. "She needed Jasper's… calming influence."

I remained quiet, waiting for the rest. She kept her thoughts focused on our surroundings, not letting me see much.

Finally she sighed and her eyes flickered up as she noticed a light coming on in Charlie's living room. He was flipping through his phone book, searching for our home number to deliver the verbal reprimand he'd promised me before. I shook my head and returned my gaze to Alice.

_I never thought I'd say this, _she addressed me mentally_, but she really didn't mean to be so heartless. I think it hit her for the first time just how much of an essential part of our family you are. Before… when Bella first moved to Forks …and you… left…_ Her mind stuttered a bit but she continued on. _Well after a while, Rosalie appeared to care less if you'd remained distant. She reminded us all that you had taken off on your own before and could take care of yourself, and if being around Bella made you as uncomfortable as it did then perhaps you would do better to stay away. But this time… this time she really understood how much we all need you. We don't always all fit together, but we each have our own connections with each other, and she missed you, _Alice ended her little speech wonderingly. _Not to mention, _she added, wincing,_ for the first time since introducing Bella to us, Jasper posed more of a threat to Bella than Rosalie did, because Rosalie's threat had been purely emotional and Jasper's—_she winced again_ – was physical._

I digested this in silence, mentally noting how grateful I was to be back in the town where such ample cloud cover allowed us to be out in public at high noon.

"Why isn't she here then, to say this for herself?" I finally asked.

"Come on," Alice laughed softly. "Would you have accepted her so easily if it had been _her_ driving your car up the road? I don't think so!" she trilled.

I gave her a half-smile and took a deep breath. Alice had given me a lot to think about.

"Don't think about it now," she said, waving her hand dismissively. I hid a grin. "Charlie just hung up with Carlisle; he's checking on Bella now. He'll be leaving in six minutes to go grocery shopping for some tea. But I thought you'd want this. It's why I drove your car over."

She danced to the passenger side and removed a small, black bag from the seat. My bag. The bag that held nothing except for—

"Bella's pictures," Alice said, offering the bag to me. I couldn't fight or hide the grin this time. "Carlisle had said you might want them back sooner rather than later, and I couldn't have agreed more."

"He was right," I replied. "You both were. But just the photographs, please. I don't need the bag at the moment."

Alice allowed me to remove the envelope before snapping the small satchel shut. "Good, and I hope you won't ever need it again," she shuddered.

"I'm not going anywhere," I said solemnly.

"Well, there's that, but it's also horribly outdated!" She sniffed and held the bag at arms' length before depositing it in the trunk.

"Alice!" I protested laughingly. "You bought me that bag just three years ago! This was only the second time I'd ever had to use it!"

"Outdated," she repeated firmly, her mind anticipating the scores of Italian possibilities she would scour the internet for as a replacement.

I shook my head at her and smiled. She flashed me a smile in return and made a shooing motion with her hands.

"Go," she whispered. "Charlie's grabbing his jacket and keys now. The sooner you go see her, the sooner you can come back home. Esme isn't done with you yet, though she keeps vacillating between hugging you and throttling you," she joked.

"I'll be home as soon as I replace these," I promised, clutching the envelope of pictures in both hands.

"I know," Alice replied with a self-satisfied smirk.

I didn't stay to watch Alice drive away. The time spent with her had been enough that Charlie had just retrieved his keys and was making his way downstairs. I jumped into a tree near Bella's window and watched Charlie drive away. His mind was mostly occupied with completing the task at hand- gentle foods for Bella until she could eat properly again, and plenty of rest. But concern of what my reinserted presence into Bella's life would mean was the underlying tone to his every thought. I didn't dwell on his animosity or pick out of his head the re-hashed apologies from Carlisle; I simply waited until he was far enough away before edging myself to her windowsill and climbing into her bedroom.

I stood over her bed, watching her sleep the way I had so many times before. She clung to her tangle of bedclothes and I felt a deep yearning that perhaps she should be dreaming… wishing it was me she had her arms around. This yearning, however, almost immediately sparked a new thought: What if it wasn't? What if I was not the one she dreamt of? I felt a keen sensation almost equivalent to having the air sucked from my lungs, but it was more intense than that. I pulled a chestful of useless air in through my lips and was filled, overwhelmed, with pure _Bella_. The aroma was still like a delicious acid burn, but no longer the fire driven by madness. It was luxurious. Tantalizing. Upon exhaling, I tried to think rationally. I wasn't about to worry over my future and how it related to Bella. _You can ask Alice when you get home if she sees a favorable outcome_, I reassured myself. With that distant hope added to my possibilities, I crossed the room silently and knelt at the spot where I had left the other pictures, music, and gifts so many months before. I popped up the floorboard, wincing internally when it creaked and Bella moaned softly in her sleep, and gently placed the envelope full of photographs atop all the other evidence of my existence.

I stood when my task was complete and gingerly sat on the edge of Bella's bed. I caressed her familiar cheekbones, drawing her hair back from her face in the afternoon light. I leaned in to brush my nose from the hollow of her throat to her ear. "I'll be back," I whispered, nuzzling her sweet face. She sighed and I felt myself mentally leap for joy when a smile pulled at the corners of her lips and she murmured my name. High on euphoria, I decided to leave before I glued myself to her side.

Running home felt so familiar, so much like… _home_. I stayed close to the trees and avoided the roads. Even though the cloud cover was thick and dimming, I didn't want to cause unnecessary accidents by flashing across someone's field of vision and distracting them from the road.

Carlisle was waiting for me on the front porch when I arrived. I slowed and deliberately spaced my steps. His thoughts were contemplative and uncertain.

_Alice anticipated your arrival_, he thought. _I wanted to speak with you before the others got the chance._

"Go ahead," I nodded. I was more than prepared for any admonishments or reproofs; I had earned no less. But he surprised me.

"I love you, son," he began, shocking me not only by speaking the words aloud but by the intensity with which he spoke them. "And you _are_ my son, Edward. I know we do not share any biological connections… I'm unsure if venom counts for anything in this existence… but I also know you know I think of you as my own flesh and blood. I'm sure the things you've endured make anything I could say right now pale in comparison, but I want you to accept my apology. I should never have let you assume it was alright to exist separately from the rest of us. We're a family… a family, Edward. And for me to have let you go not only left you in a position where you felt you had no other options, it hurt your mother and siblings more than… well," he smiled wryly, "I would say more than you could know, but I know better than that. I'm sorry, Edward. Allowing you to go off on your own was inexcusable on my part."

I stood, speechless, as Carlisle folded himself to sit on the porch steps. He patted the seat next to him and I walked forward dumbly and sat.

"First of all," I tried to speak without sounding as though I were choking, "I know we're a family, but I don't think you could have stopped me when I wanted to be left alone. The depth of despair I felt without Bella… it was…" I searched for words and found myself stupidly inarticulate. Carlisle shook his head and made a dismissive gesture.

"I doubt we would have been able to physically restrain you, true, but my point is it should never have crossed your mind that you could be allowed to leave alone. Not under those circumstances at least. We might not have been sufficient, but we would have stood by your side to provide what help we could have. I feel terrible, knowing you were out there alone but not knowing what you were doing." He met my gaze with level eyes. "If you're going to align yourself as part of this family, you need to keep in mind we stick together regardless of our circumstances."

I nodded, still mute, and he cracked a smile.

"Your place is here, with your family that loves you."

"I know," I replied honestly. "But _I'm _sorry, Carlisle… for causing you all that worry. For causing all of you such worry. And I'm not going anywhere." I repeated to him the promise I'd made to Alice.

"Good." His eyes crinkled in such a way that for a moment he looked almost human. "Apology accepted. Let's get you in before Esme starts symmetrically arranging all the fibers in the carpet," he chuckled affectionately.

We walked into the house and I was met with a rush of mental relief, questions, and mild exasperation. I spent the hours by regaling my family of my intense—and misled—quest for Victoria. Alice had already filled most of them in on our escapades to a point; Esme was shocked and dismayed to hear that Victoria had been so close to Forks, and Emmett was shocked and disappointed to hear that werewolves had become a fighting part of Bella's life in our absence. Carlisle was intrigued on that point; he mused over which of the tribe members besides Jacob Black had been subject to the transformation. Rosalie was mildly repulsed, as was Alice as she recounted for my benefit her encounter with Ephraim Black's heir. Jasper who was the least talkative, and he knew I noticed it.

"Jasper," I began.

His thoughts were mournful._ I'm sorry. I know you'll tell me not to be, but I have to say it._

"No, Jasper, don't," I tried again. He shook his head.

"I want you to understand something," he said aloud in his gentle drawl. I closed my mouth and listened. I knew he wasn't speaking aloud for _my _benefit, and the rest of my family seemed to sense it and leaned in to listen as well. "My whole life, I never fit perfectly anywhere. But I fit here, in this family. You know that. What I didn't count on was fitting in with this _town_. I spent so much of my existence hauling myself from pillar to post that I took for granted just how… how _nice_ it was to stay settled. And for the first time, I got to do that here. I'm not going to ask if you understand because I know you do," he smiled wryly and I grinned back. "But I'm glad we're _home_. I know we can't stay forever but I'm glad we don't have to stay away just yet."

"So basically what he's saying is," Emmett broke in, "thanks for making up with Bella so he can go back to high school for a bit longer instead of grinding away at those yuppie college classes!"

And the room erupted in laughter. I shook my head. Typical Emmett.

At one point Carlisle made mention of Charlie's phone call and let us all know he'd made arrangements to check in on Bella tomorrow at the Charlie's request. I promised him what little information I could garner from Bella's physical condition when I would go to see her tonight.

"And Edward," Carlisle began hesitantly, "Chief Swan was less than…decorous when he asked that you remain away from Bella. I'm sure given enough time he'll relent, but for the time being I think it would be best – and wisest – if you kept your interactions with his daughter to a minimum in his presence."

Emmett let out a mischievous chuckle. "Just wait until school starts up this fall. Alice thinks he'll have worn down enough by then to allow you on his property again," he teased.

My throat felt constricted but I kept my voice light. "This fall?" I asked, glancing at Alice.

She had moved to her and Jasper's favorite spot on the landing, stroking the planes of his face as he lay with his head in her lap. She looked up and nodded sympathetically. "It will take at least that long for him to tolerate you, and even then he's still not exactly going to see you through rose- colored glasses."

I frowned and turned to Carlisle again. Bits of his earlier phone conversation with Bella's father filtered through his mind for me to hear.

"_You know I respect you as a professional and a good man, Dr. Cullen, but if that boy of yours so much as _looks_ at her wrong I swear here and now I'll issue a restraining order— for her own well-being and mental health."_ The rage and resentment was barely concealed in his tone.

Carlisle's voice, on the other hand, had been cool and courteous. "_I'm sorry it had to come to this, Chief Swan," _he replied with genuine sorrow and regret, "_but I understand and I find that acceptable. You shouldn't be expecting any more trouble from Edward, however—" _Charlie interrupted with a disbelieving huff— _"as I will personally be giving him a stern talking-to as soon as he gets, er, out of the shower."_ Carlisle had bluffed away my absence, and I could hear through his memories that Charlie had grumbled several unceremonious things about how my "talking-to ought to involve a tazer" if he'd had anything to say about it. Carlisle shook his head slowly with a gentle smile on his face._  
_  
I took a deep breath and pursed my lips. "Thanks, Carlisle," I said ruefully. "I suppose I did a lot of damage, taking off the way I did without at least warning him I'd be leaving… that we all were going to leave…"

Esme came to stand at my side and pressed her hands close around mine. "But it's over now, and things worked out just fine. Don't worry yourself unnecessarily over the past; your future is what counts," she said encouragingly with her sweet motherly smile.

And so I whiled away the hours by spending much-needed time with my family and playing my piano (which I had missed more than I cared to admit) until evening, when it was finally late enough to return to Bella's. The last sound I heard from the living room was that of Emmett's laughter as he jokingly asked Alice to keep an eye out for my return so they would be sure I was coming home. _Home._ I smiled as I ran into the night.

After confirming that Charlie was sound asleep I eased myself through Bella's window and settled into her rocking chair. For hours, Bella lay looking so stiff and vulnerable. It was close to one in the morning when she finally stirred, and I rushed to her side. She took a deep breath, as if she were trying to capture an essence of something, and whimpered. I ran my hand across her forehead; she didn't have a fever as far as I could tell. Her face constricted as she squeezed her eyelids more firmly together. A nightmare, perhaps? I quickly aligned myself at her side and wrapped my arms around her, holding her close.

She finally exhaled a mournful sigh and her eyes fluttered open. As soon as her eyes met mine, a startled gasp escaped from her lips. She threw her hands over her eyes and was on the verge of hyperventilating before she let her clenched fists slide from her face.

"I'm sorry! Did I scare you?" I asked with concern, losing myself in her chocolate gaze.

She stared at me in speechless wonder and blinked again, twice, with deliberation.

"Uh oh," she said thickly. It came out as more of a croak.

"Bella, what's the matter?" I was getting more anxious.

Her lips twisted into a frown. "I died, didn't I? I_ did_ drown!" she wailed. "Darnit, darnit, darnit! This is going to _wreck_ Charlie!"

I was momentarily taken aback. "Bella, you're alive," I said with a frown of my own.

"Why aren't I waking up, then?" she asked, her eyebrows shooting up in protest.

"Because you're already awake," I answered, my brow furrowing in confusion at her apparent delirium.

She was already shaking her head in negation. "Right. That's just what you want me to believe. Then, when I actually do wake up, it will be worse! _If_ I ever wake up at all, which won't happen, because I died. This is terrible! My dad… and mom, and Jake!"

She stopped abruptly, terror constricting her word flow. At this point I was baffled by her reaction to the point of amusement. Short-lived amusement, that is.

"I could understand how you might mistake me for a bad dream," I said, sobering quickly. "However, I fail to see what you might have possibly done to end up anywhere but in heaven. You didn't kill anyone while I was gone, did you?" I forced a teasing note back into my voice but my smile was hard. She only winced.

"Of course not! Besides, if this is really hell, you wouldn't be here with me."

I sighed. She gave me so much more credit than I deserved…

Bella sat up slowly and a flush of crimson crept into her face. "Then did… did all that actually happen?" she asked, bewildered.

"Well," I began, with my lips still twisted upward in an expression of self-loathing, "It depends on what you mean. If you're talking about us coming close to being slaughtered in Volterra then your answer is yes."

"Weird. I actually was in Italy," Bella reflected. Her eyes swept up to mine. "You know, the farthest east I've ever been is Albuquerque?"

Of all the ridiculous reactions! I had just confirmed that we were very nearly massacred, and she focuses on where it almost happened rather than the fact that it very well could have! I rolled my eyes.

"Perhaps you should go back to bed, Bella," I said. "You aren't entirely lucid at the moment."

"But I'm not sleepy anymore." She sat up straighter and seemed to become more alert. "What time is it? How long was I asleep for, anyway?" She yawned and stretched.

"It's a little after one a.m., so you've been out for roughly fourteen hours," I replied. I left out just how many of those hours I'd spent at her side, though.

"Where's my dad?" she asked.

"Sleeping," I answered carefully. "You probably should be made aware that right now, I'm breaking the rules. Granted, only by a technicality, since he forbade me to walk through his door ever again and I entered your room from the window… Regardless, his instructions were understood…" My voice trailed off reluctantly as I watched Bella's face grow angrier and angrier.

"What?" she asked, her brown eyes snapping of sparks of fury. "He banned you from the house?"

I tried to sound patient and understanding, but probably came across as just… sad. "Were you honestly expecting any different?"

She gritted her teeth and her hands clenched into fists at her sides. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and looked at me expectantly.

"So, what's my excuse?" she inquired, calmer.

"I beg your pardon?" I asked politely. I had no clue what she was talking about.

"What's the story? How will I explain to Charlie about being gone for… for…" Her face scrunched in concentration and she appeared to be going over the hours in her mind.

Ah. That was a good question…

"Just how long was I gone, exactly?" she continued.

"Only three days," I said persuasively, as if Bella was the one who'd need convincing that this wasn't a big deal. "Um, I was actually hoping that you'd come up with a reasonable excuse. I can't think of a thing," I admitted. It was the truth. Knowing we were alive and she hadn't screeched at me to leave her alone forever was saturating every one of my sensory receptors. Everything else seemed so trivial in comparison -at the moment. But Bella seemed less than enthused.

"Oh, this is great," she groaned.

"Perhaps Alice will think of an explanation," I suggested optimistically. Truth to be told, I was mentally kicking myself for not thinking to ask her for one when she'd dropped off Bella's pictures, or when I had been back at the house.

Bella's face relaxed after a bit. Even in the dim light of her alarm clock, her features shone as bright as day to me. There was no way I would leave her side again… unless she forced me away. I swallowed thickly at the thought, but didn't have time to dwell on it before Bella piped up with another question.

"So, what exactly have you been up to, since before three days ago?" she asked curiously.

"Oh, nothing that interesting," I answered cautiously.

"Sure, sure," she grumbled.

"What?" I asked innocently.

"It's just…" she began pensively. "Well if you really _were_ just a dream, that's just the sort of thing you would say. I guess my imagination is dried up."

This awake/asleep nonsense was getting ridiculous. I sighed. I didn't want to send her into shock, scaring her with the knowledge that Victoria was still out there, and still hunting. However, my last attempt at protecting her for her own good had blown up in our faces, so maybe it would be best to just be truthful with this. "If I tell you," I began warily, "will you finally realize you're not in some sort of bad dream?"

"_Bad_ dream?" she scoffed. I didn't know what to make of that. What else could this be for her but a nightmare? She'd nearly been killed not 24 hours ago! I kept my silence though, and waited for her answer. "Perhaps," she finally replied. "If you tell me."

"I was… busy. Hunting," I explained without really explaining.

She gave a snort of contempt. "That's the best you've got? No way does that prove I'm not sleeping."

_Oh, my Bella_, I sighed to myself. I smiled wryly; I really shouldn't have expected anything less from this amazing creature… this dangerously amazing creature. "I wasn't hunting for nourishment," I began carefully. "I was really attempting my own method of… well… tracking. I learned that I'm rather terrible at it," I admitted quickly.

"What were you trying to track?" she asked, genuinely puzzled.

"Nothing terribly important," I answered, verbally shrugging off her question. I sighed to myself again. So much for being honest…

"What do you mean?" she inquired conversationally.

I sighed aloud this time as I studied her face. Considering how much she had been through—considering how much of that had been my fault—I was in no position to keep this from her. She deserved better than that, so I began my pitiful attempt of an explanation.

"Bella, I…" I inhaled a deep, slow breath and released it even more slowly. Again, her scent flooded my senses and I was almost distracted by how marvelous it was to saturate myself in her aroma without the ravenous bloodthirst that heretofore had accompanied such an action. I gave a small shake of my head, however, and made myself focus. I began again, looking directly into her eyes.

"I owe you an apology. No," I corrected myself, "I actually owe you a lot more than that. However, I need you to understand that I honestly was not aware… I had no idea how much chaos I was leaving behind. I honestly thought you would be safe here. Protected, sheltered. I didn't realize Victoria would return." I spat the name out of my mouth as if saying it alone left a dirty taste on my tongue. I continued my torrent of words, unable to stop them from pouring out of me. "Granted, the one time I saw her with James, I had been entirely more preoccupied with his thoughts rather than hers. I didn't see that she was capable of such a reaction or even that she bound herself so completely to him. Now I think I understand…" I mused. "She was so completely confident of his ability to succeed that even the idea of him failing was never a thought in her mind. Her feelings of total certainty hindered me from really seeing the strength of their bond…"

I could sense myself trailing off into a reflective monologue and returned my gaze to hers, to bring myself back to the present.

"Still, that was no excuse for what I left behind for you to deal with. And when I learned from Alice—what she herself had seen—when I became aware of your involvement with werewolves, putting your _life_ in their hands! _Werewolves_! Quick-tempered, immature, the next worst thing to Victoria herself—" I shook uncontrollably at the thought of Bella relying on these… these_ children beasts_… for protection, and was flooded with a rush of the closest thing a vampire could experience of nausea. "Please, please understand," I begged her, my eyes silently pleading for mercy. "I didn't realize any of it. I'm sickened, absolutely sickened to the center of my being about it, even now with you safe in my arms. I am by far the worst, most pathetic excuse of—"

"Edward," Bella interrupted me. "Stop." Her voice was a pleading whisper. Her face smoothed out in what appeared to be a concentrated effort. "Edward," she said my name again. It was a beautifully distracting sound, second only in sweetness to the sound of her heartbeat. Her words regained my attention, though.

"You need to stop… all of this has to stop, now."

I was frozen in shock, but she kept going.

"You shouldn't see things like that. You can't allow this sense of _guilt_ to control you! Nor can you hold yourself responsible for what happened here while you were gone. You're not to blame for any of it, because that's just my life. If I get in a wreck or trip or whatever happens to me next time, you have to understand that _you are not responsible_. You can't just go flying off to the Volturi the next time you feel guilty for not saving me…"

I began to thaw as I realized what she was saying, and the intentions behind her words filled me with a mixture of incredulity and irritation.

"Even if I was trying to commit suicide when I jumped off the cliff," she was saying, "it would have been _my_ decision, not _your _fault. I understand it's just… your way, to try and take the blame for everything, but that shouldn't make you so extreme about it! It's so… reckless, and irresponsible, and—think about Carlisle and Esme and Al—"

"Isabella Marie Swan," I let her full name drop from my lips with deliberation. "Are you of the mind that I went to Italy to die because I felt _guilty_?" I couldn't keep the disbelief from my voice.

Bella's face was a blank mask of incomprehension. "Didn't you?"

"What, feel guilty?" I answered. "Of course! Very much… more than you could possibly understand!"

"But, then… what are you trying to say? I don't get it."

"Bella," I explained patiently. "I went to Italy because I believed you were dead. Regardless of my involvement…even if you had died…" I choked out the words , "even if I wasn't to blame, I still would have sought out the Volturi. True, I should have taken more precautions…. I should have confirmed the news from Alice herself rather than accept hearsay from Rosalie. Really though, what should I have thought when that young man answered that Charlie had gone to a funeral? What are the chances? The chances…" I trailed off. I was trying to block out painful memories of my stupid actions… mistake after mistake… "The odds are forever against us," I continued quietly. "Error after error… I won't ever criticize Romeo again…"

"I still don't get it," Bella broke into my thoughts. "That's exactly my point. So what?"

"Hm?"

"So, what if I had died?" She looked at me patiently with an expression that clearly said "What difference would it have made?"

I was struck dumb for a moment before recovering. "Do you not recall what I said to you before I left?" I demanded.

"I remember everything you said," she countered rapidly. There was a flicker of raw pain behind the bravado of her words that manifested itself as a slight tremble in her lower lip. I traced its full, soft outline and stared at it, at her luscious mouth, and then closed my eyes. I felt my own mouth pull into a sad, remorseful smile as I tried to explain in terms she would understand clearly.

"It appears that you are under a misunderstanding, Bella. I thought I had made myself understood," I said, opening my eyes. "I cannot…_ live_… without you," I said deliberately. I hoped the message and the way it was conveyed would erase, or at least balance out, the terrible lie I had spoken before I disappeared.

She stared at me blankly, opened her mouth, shut it, and drew in a preparatory breath. "I'm…." She seemed to be searching for words, genuinely confused. "You… you lost me," she finally settled on.

I stared into her puzzled expression and tried to be even more basic. There really was no denying it, and I realized I'd been holding back from actually saying the words to her out loud as a sort of last-ditch, selfish effort to save face. We both saw how well that did me last time so I drew in a slow breath and said slowly and simply, "I lied."

She seemed to freeze, her breath forcibly coming from her chest as though she had just been punched. I grabbed her shoulder and gave her what I hoped was a gentle shake. "Please! Allow me to continue. I meant that I lied, but even then, the way you so readily believed me…" I grimaced. "It was… torturously painful."

She still sat, unmoving.

I didn't know how much more base I could make myself but I pressed on. "When I was telling you goodbye, in the forest… I could see that you wouldn't have let go. I knew that if I couldn't truly make you believe I no longer loved you, it would only take you that much more time to move on from me. And I didn't want to do it; it damn near put me to hell to do it, but I hoped that if I left… if I had gotten on with my life… you would have, as well." I let the explanation fall from my lips and stared, willing her to understand.

"A clean break," she whispered, with none of the sympathy I was searching for in her eyes.

"Precisely," I made myself continue. I didn't deserve her understanding or sympathy anyway, so I pressed on fervently. "Yet I didn't foresee how easy it would be to do! I imagined it would be practically impossible because I thought you were so sure— so certain in knowing how much I care for you— that I would only be setting myself up to lie for hours on end, just to put the smallest speck of disbelief in your mind! I lied to you," I said again, "and for that I am so very, truly sorry. Not only because I hurt you or because it turned out to be pointless, but because I couldn't save you from the monster than I am. I lied—to protect you—and I failed. I'm sorry.

"Still… how could you have believed me? With all of the many times I've tried to make you understand that I'm in love with you, how could you let one word erase your trust in me?" I didn't deserve an answer but I needed to try to get one. "I saw it in your face, that you truly believed I wanted nothing more to do with you. Such an insane, preposterous idea! Like there could be any possible way I could live without needing you!"

She still hadn't moved or said anything, just stared at me blankly. It was killing me. Even outright rejection would have been better than this… Well, not really, but I needed to know what she was thinking and asked her as much, with another shake of her shoulder.

I suppose it must have been the wrong thing to do because she began to weep. I was taken aback by her sobs until she exclaimed "I knew I wasn't awake! I _knew_ it!"

This was beyond absurd. I wanted to hold her close and rock the doubt out of her, to kiss it away, yet she still didn't understand! "You're hopeless!" I laughed once, gratingly. "How can I possibly explain this so you will understand? You're awake, _and_ you're alive, _and I love you._ I'm here. I'll always be here. And I'll always love you, exactly the way I always have. Every moment I was away was a moment with you on my mind. The day I told you I didn't love you was an absolute heresy."

Still she shook her head while tears coursed down her cheeks.

I felt helpless as I whispered to her, asking why she could so easily believe the lies over the truth.

"Because," she said, her voice uneven. "It's just nonsensical that you would love me. I've known that since we met."

So all this time, she'd doubted my feelings for her? I had to prove her what I felt was real, raw, and alive, and the time for words had passed. I placed my hands on her face and leaned in with a careless abandon, but she tried turning away.

"Don't. Please," she whispered like a child.

I could hardly bear it, her mouth was so close to my own. "Why?" I asked, grittily.

"Because when I finally wake up—"

This was getting out of hand, but she stopped me with a revision.

"Fine, never mind that. When… when you disappear again, it's gonna be difficult as is to let _you_ go, let alone having to let _this_ go, too," she said, staring at my lips.

I drew back slightly. "Yesterday…" I said carefully, "Yesterday, when I touched you, you were so very… careful. Hesitant. But it was still _you_. Is it because I'm too late? I have to know. Because I hurt you beyond repair? Or have you –" I gulped "–moved on, the way I wanted you to?" I sucked down a painful breath. "It would only be fair… I'm not going to try to change your mind. Just, let me know now—without taking my feelings into account—if you can still possibly love me, despite everything I've put you through. _Is_ it possible?" I asked, my voice thinning to a whisper.

"What sort of impossibly stupid question is that?" she asked, bewildered.

"Please, just answer me," I pleaded, desperate.

For a fully agonizing six seconds she simply stared at me levelly. "I will never stop loving you. I love you now. And you can't do anything about it."

Relief washed through me. "That's all I needed to know!" And I closed the distance between our mouths with a kiss I hoped would convince her that I felt the same way. I pressed my body against hers, encouraged by her breathing, by her fingers that worked their way up my face and into my hair. I placed my own hands on her face, caressing with a touch totally contrary for how frantically I wanted to be ravaging her. Her name escaped from my lips in the brief second it took for her to pull away from me and breathe. I could feel the erratic beat of her heart starting to slam into overdrive and thought perhaps it would be best not to send her into cardiac arrest, considering I had just gotten her back. I slid my lips along her jaw, her throat, and turn to listen to her heart.

Once her breathing slowed down, I remarked offhandedly, "Just so you know, I'm not going anywhere."

The ensuing silence seemed laced with disbelief, so I raised my gaze to hers. "I'm not leaving," I insisted. "Not without you. The only reason I left to begin with was to give you the chance to have a normal life like any other human. I saw myself constantly keeping you in danger, risking your life the longer I was with you, or at least removing you from the life you belonged in. So I had to try something, and I guessed leaving you was it. It seemed the only way. Granted, I never would have left if I had thought you'd be even worse with me gone; I'm too selfish for that. You were the only thing more important than what I wanted… or needed. And what I want and need is _you_, so I know now that I'm never going to be strong enough to leave you. I have entirely too many excuses not to leave—thank goodness— I won't. Despite the miles I put between us, it seems you just can't be safe. So why bother trying?"

"Please don't make me any promises," she replied in a pained whisper. It stung.

"Do you think I'm deceiving you again?" I asked with self-righteous anger. I had, after all, just bared my soul for her. _Did_ she think I was lying?

"No! I think you're being honest… for me, at least. But I think you could be deceiving yourself. What happens, tomorrow, once the carriage turns back into a pumpkin and all the reasons you left catch up with you? Or in a month, if Jasper tries to take another snap at me?"

I winced. Jasper had been so beaten up about the situation, it was hard to stay angry at him for reacting only instinctively.

"I know you," Bella continued. "You thought through the decision to leave first, didn't you? You're going to do what you feel is the right thing to do, in the end."

I shook my head. "I'm weaker than you give me credit for. What's right, or even what's wrong for that matter, don't mean that much to me anymore. I think I knew I would break; I was coming back anyway. By the time I got Rosalie's call, I'd stopped trying to just get through a week at a time let alone a day. At that point it was a struggle just to endure life for an hour at a time! So it really was only a matter of time—precious little time, I might add— until you would have found me groveling at your window to be taken back. I could grovel now, if you like," I offered sincerely.

"Oh please," she scoffed. "Don't kid around."

"I'm not," I replied insistently. "Won't you listen to me? Won't you allow me to at least try and tell you what you mean to me?" I waited before continuing to speak; I wanted to make sure she was really paying attention.

"Bella… my life was like a black, moonless night before you burst into it. There _were_ stars, to be sure—small points of reason and light. But then you pierced that blackness like a comet and everything was lit with brilliance and beauty. You have to understand that without you, my life went back to that blackness. It was like the comet had arced beyond the horizon and I was left blinded by the light. Something tangibly similar happened while I was in Brazil… at one point there was an electrical blackout and it felt like the whole _world_ turned dark. _You_ had been my reason for everything, and with you gone, so was my reason. What small stars that I thought were there were made practically non-existent, with their comparatively feeble light… so faint that I couldn't see them anymore."

She muttered, "Your sight will adjust."

"That is the very problem—they can't."

"And what happened to your distractions?" she asked rebelliously.

I gave a mirthless laugh. "All part of the deception, darling. There was no true distraction from the… the absolute, excruciating pain. For nearly ninety years my heart hasn't sounded a single beat, but it was nothing like this. For a while I felt filled as though with lead; a solid, lifeless mass. But in time it was as though I'd been hollowed out—as though my heart was never there to beat to begin with. Everything that had filled me before, I left with you."

"That's interesting," she said under her breath.

"Interesting?" I asked incredulously.

"Well, I meant weird—I thought I was the only one. So much of me was gone, too. I felt like I haven't really been able to breathe for such a long time. And my heart was definitely lost."

I lowered my head to her chest again and let myself get momentarily lost in the proof that her heart had been found. The sound washed me in comfort, as well as hearing her deep, even breathing.

"So then tracking didn't turn out to be a distraction I take it?" she asked. Her voice was light but her heart was throbbing. I sighed.

"No, it never _was_ a distraction; merely an obligation."

"Meaning what?"

"Meaning, despite not anticipating any harm from Victoria, I couldn't allow her to just get away without… Anyway, as I said, I was a terrible tracker. I thought I'd caught up with her in Texas, but then I followed an ill-advised hint that she was in South America. Brazil—when all the while she was _here_! I hadn't even gotten the continent right!" I said in dismay.

"_Victoria_?" Bella exclaimed. "You were tracking Victoria!"

"Well, I tried. I didn't do a very good job." I was confused by the intensity of her anger. "Next time I'll do better. She won't be around much longer to pollute the perfectly good air by breathing it."

"Edward, that's…" She sputtered in incredulity. "That's _not_ happening!"

I shook my head. "Her time is up. I might have excused her behavior earlier, but not now that she's—"

"Did you not just promise me that you were staying with me?" she broke in. "How exactly does that fall in with a hunting expedition?"

I frowned, and I couldn't help the low snarl that began to rumble through my chest. "I did promise you, Bella. And I intend to keep it. But Victoria" –I spat out the name like a malediction – "will die. And soon."

"We don't need to rush," Bella said hastily. "Maybe she's gone for good now; Jacob's pack might have scared her away. There isn't any real reason to go after her. Not to mention the bigger problems I've got."

I didn't like her logic, but I nodded. "That's true. The wolves do pose a dilemma."

She snorted in response. "I didn't mean _Jake_."

I grimaced mentally at the easy familiarity with which she used his name.

"My troubles," she was saying, "are way worse than a bunch of teenage werewolves making life difficult for themselves."

I started to argue, but decided against it. We'd cover that later. Instead I switched topics. "What is your biggest problem then? What could make Victoria coming back for you seem to be such a comparatively trivial issue?"

"Well, maybe the second biggest problem then, okay?"

"Okay," I answered warily.

She stopped to gather her thoughts and whispered hesitantly, "Others are out there, looking for me."

I sighed. "The Volturi are only the second biggest problem?"

"It doesn't seem to bother you that much," she observed.

"Because we have enough time to coordinate for it. Time holds a much different meaning for them than for you and I. Their years count as days in your world. It wouldn't surprise me if you'd reached thirty before you occurred to them again," I replied in an attempt to be lighthearted.

She gave a delicate shudder and her eyes filled with anguished tears.

"You don't need to be scared," I reassured her anxiously. "They won't hurt you on my watch."

She made a doubtful, dismissive noise. "While you're here long enough to watch," she said bitterly.

"Bella." I took her face in my hands again, and looked at her with all the solemnity I was capable of. "I am never going to leave you ever again."

"You said _thirty,_" she sniffed in disgust. "So, you won't leave me ever again but you'll let me age anyway? You will, won't you?" Tears spilled over.

My lips compressed but I gazed at her gently. "What choice do I have? That is precisely what I'm going to do. I can't live without you, but I won't be responsible for destroying your soul."

"So that's really…" She gulped.

"Really…?" I prompted.

"What happens when I'm so old people think I'm your mom? Or your_ grandma_?" she asked with fear and disgust.

I had thought of that before, but my thoughts then had also been followed by the unwavering resolution that neither grey hairs nor wrinkles would lessen my affection for her. "That won't mean a thing to me," I murmured against her skin. No matter what, you'll be the most exquisite thing in my world. Granted…" I paused as I took the time to be honest with myself. "If you were to move on—if you outgrew me—I would… understand that. I swear, Bella, that I'm not going to object if you wanted something more and left." I tried to keep my gaze level, to hide the roiling emotions that threatened to drive me into clutching her and hysterically pleading.

"You understand I'm going to die someday, don't you?" she asked sternly.

"As soon as you do," I said with calm certainty, "I'll do my best to follow you."

She blinked and shook her head in negation. "That's completely…" Her mouth opened and shut a few times as she tried to look for the right words. "Messed up," she settled with.

"Bella, it's the only correct option I have left to do things—"

"Hold on a minute," she interrupted, her tone bordering on anger. "Did you forget about our little Italian buddies? There's no way I can stay like this; they're going to kill me. Even _if_ I'm out of sight and out of mind until I'm practically… practically middle aged," she sputtered in irritation, "It's not likely they'll just forget about me!"

I shook my head. "No," I agreed, "They'll remember. But—"

"But what?"

"Oh, I have a few plans," I replied airily with a smug grin.

"Plans?" Her voice dripped acid. "Would these plans involve me staying mortal, by any chance?" she seethed.

"Of course," I quipped. I was not going to budge on this. She seemed to sense it and stubbornly glared at me, so I glared right back—until she shoved my arms aside and sat up. Pain lanced through me.

"Should I leave?" I asked nonchalantly as I could. My face must not have been as casual, though, because her expression softened.

"No," she answered simply. "_I'm_ going."

I sat back, my eyes following her suspiciously as she felt around in the darkness.

"And where exactly are you going?"

"Your house," she countered abruptly, still fumbling about. I guessed she was searching for her shoes and retrieved them for her.

"You're going to need these. How do you intend to get to my house?" I asked, amused.

"My truck," she replied matter-of-factly.

"That's probably going to wake up your father," I cautioned.

"Yeah, probably," she sighed, "But truthfully I'm already gonna be grounded for a while… How much worse trouble could I get myself into?"

I sensed she meant the question hypothetically but I couldn't help responding honestly.

"You? None. He'd probably blame me instead."

"Well if you've got another way then let me hear it," she retorted.

"How about not going?" I asked with a hope I didn't feel.

"No way. Feel free to stay here _you_ want to, though!" she teased, and turned to leave the room. I darted forward and stood in the doorway, blocking her. She gave me a scornful look and her eyes slid sideways, glancing to the window as if genuinely considering it as an exit. She was impossible.

"Fine," I relented. "I'll drive you over."

"It's whatever," she shrugged. "But it might be best, anyway, if you're there, too."

"Oh really? Why?"

"Well, since you're so strongly opinionated, I'm certain you're going to want the opportunity to speak your mind on the subject," she replied airily.

"Which subject would that be?" I asked suspiciously.

"You have to understand that this is beyond just you. You aren't the center of the universe. If the Volturi descend on us because you stupidly just _had_ to leave me human, then I think your family ought to have an opinion on it."

"An opinion. On. What?" I seethed, clipping each word off distinctly. I could sense where she was going with this and I didn't like it one bit.

"My mortality. I'm going to hold a vote."

**WOW! Thanks for sticking around long enough to catch updates… Now that I've started, I've only got one more chapter & the epilogue to go so I'll get to work on that right away! No timeline though… you guys know having an infant is—a la Juno MacGuff—"quite the timesuck." Please review, even if for no other reason than to let me know you're still around & you read it LOL!**


	24. Choices

**A/N Ahhhh I worked so hard to crank this out before this weekend LOL. I have a family reunion w/ the hubs this week and didn't wanna put it off because let's face it, this story has been put off QUITE long enough, right? LOL! Hope you can hang on for this week til the epi gets posted though. Cheers!**

Chapter 21: Choices

This was _not_ a good idea. I grimly took stock of the odds that my family would see my side of things enough to disagree with Bella; the chance seemed slim. Moreover, I knew she'd find some way to get herself to my family's house—by herself, if she saw no other way there—and I much rather preferred to be the mode of transportation instead. So I cradled her in my arms and leapt from her window to the ground below.

"Very well then," I said through gritted teeth. "Onward." I positioned her securely on my back and took off running. I found that I had some measure of victory on the way to what would surely be a great loss— the euphoria that always came from running full-tilt with Bella's arms around me. That it was such a small benefit bothered me but I kept my mouth shut. At one point, when we were nearly to the house, I felt her lips press against the unyielding skin of my neck.

"Thank you," I said gratefully. "I suppose this means you've chosen to believe you're not dreaming?"

She gave a breezy laugh. "Not exactly… It's more like… even if I am, I don't mind. Not this night."

"I will earn back your trust some way," I promised. It was as much a promise to myself as to her. "Even if it's the last thing I do."

"Oh I believe _you_," she said emphatically. "I'm just not sure I believe myself."

I reduced my speed to an easy (for me) walk and felt my brow furrow into a quizzical expression. "Please, explain," I said.

"Well… I mean… I guess…" her own brow furrowed as she searched for what seemed to be the right way to phrase what she meant. "I don't believe that I'm… sufficient. That I'm enough to deserve your love. There's nothing about me could _keep _you, claim you... _hold _you."

At that I came to a full stop. After all I had done; everything I had put her through, _she _felt she didn't deserve _me_? I shook my head as I reached for her, setting her on her feet before me. I held her close with my arms wrapped around her as mildly yet as strongly as I could.

"The hold you have on me," I whispered gently, "is unbreakable and permanent. Trust that, always."

She stared at me wonderingly.

"You never, in fact, told me…" I said softly.

"Told you what?"

"What your biggest problem is."

She sighed. "I'll let you guess, just one chance," she said with her fingertip rising to touch the end of my nose. If that was any indication of her greatest problem, perhaps she was finally – _finally _– seeing the light about how dangerous I was.

"I am a worse threat than the Volturi. I guess I deserve that," I nodded.

She shot me a withering look. "All the Volturi can do to me is kill me," she said patiently. Was that not bad enough? What could possibly be worse than that?

"You… can abandon me. Leave again. Neither Victoria nor the Volturi could be worse than that," she whispered.

I gulped uselessly, struggling for words. What had I done; what could I possibly _do_ to fix the heinous havoc I had wreaked? Where could I even start?

She looked pleadingly at me and lifted her hands to my face. "Don't be upset," she murmured.

I knew I could at least try… again… to get through that adorably thick skull of hers. "I wish there was a way I could convince you that I'm_ incapable_ of leaving you," I answered in an anguished whisper. "I suppose time will be the only way to make you see."

Her mouth hitch itself into the semblance of a smile. "Sounds good," she said, eyes shining.

I fought back a sigh. She really was afraid I would just disappear, just leave her again. Time would have to be enough.

"Um," she broke into my torturous thoughts, "since you're not going anywhere, can you give me back my stuff?" The hint of a smile that had begun on her face moments ago now bloomed into a full teasing grin. It distracted me enough that I laughed, despite myself. Time to reveal how pathetic I had been…

I cleared my throat. "Your things never left," I answered. "It went against my promise to leave you in peace, with no reminders of my existence. I know it was ridiculous, juvenile even, but… I had to leave _some _part of myself with you. The pictures, the tickets, your CD… they're all hidden beneath the floorboards in your room," I finished sheepishly.

"Seriously?" she asked, eyes sparkling with a sudden pleasure.

I nodded in affirmation, her joy triggering my own, to a degree. It wasn't enough to completely erase the burden of knowing how much work I had ahead of me to regain her trust, but I couldn't help share in Bella's joy, however small the measure may be.

"You know?" She was speaking slowly, as if thinking aloud to herself. "I'm not certain, but I think… I think perhaps I knew it all along."

"Knew what?" I inquired trying to keep my voice light. Had she known I'd disappoint her?

"I think a part of me… maybe my subconscious, perhaps… never really doubted that you did care if I was dead or alive. If anything," she added offhandedly, "it's probably the best explanation for the voices I kept hearing."

I could feel myself turning to stone. If I had a heart, it would have been racing.

"Voices?" I asked with a calm I didn't feel.

"Er, only one voice, really. Yours. It's kind of a long story…" she trailed off. Now I could feel my facial expression hardening to match the freezing chill that had swept its way up my spine.

"I don't mind. Please, do tell." The flat calm in my voice sounded forced.

"It's kind of pitiful," she hedged.

I waited.

"Well… remember Alice talking about extreme sports?" she began.

"If you're talking about your little recreational cliff-diving episode…" I said flatly.

"Uh, yeah. And prior to that, about the motorcycle ri—"

"Motorcycle?" My emotions were roiling behind my calm façade. If she was saying what I think—_knew—_she was going to say, I… I didn't know what I would do. Part of me was appalled that she had taken to—I mentally stuttered over the word— _motorcycle_ riding, but it was overruled by the greater part of me. The part of my mind that was suddenly transported to the humid Delta afternoon atmosphere in front of the crumbling remains of an old mental hospital, remembering Bella's haggard, terrified face through Alice's flickering vision.

As if my thoughts were the ones being read, my sister's very name was falling from Bella's lips now.

"…must not have mentioned that bit to Alice," she was saying.

"It appears not," I acknowledged flatly.

"Um… In regards to, er, that… Well, I kind of discovered… that when I would do something stupid or reckless… it helped me remember you better," she admitted. "It helped me remember more clearly the way your voice sounded when you were mad. It was like you were right next to me, I could hear it that well. For the most part I honestly tried not to think of you, but this… It wasn't as painful. It was more like you didn't want me to get hurt, like you were protecting me again.

"And now I'm wondering if the reason your voice was so clear was because, deep down, I knew the whole time that you'd never stopped loving me." She ended with a new certainty in her voice. A note of conviction. I too was feeling a sense of conviction, but in an entirely different meaning of the word. I could barely form a coherent sentence. Not only that the visions had held a measure of truth, but…

"You were taking chances with your _life_? Just to hear—"

"Hush," she broke in. "Hang on a minute. I think I'm experiencing an epiphany here."

I stood waiting, impatiently, as vast array of expressions flickered across her face – remembrance, deep concentration, concern, indifference, disbelief, marvel, and finally, acceptance.

"Oh," she breathed.

I cleared my throat expectantly. "Bella?" I asked.

"Hm. Alright. I get it," she went on, still staring off into the distance. We were less than a half mile from my house; I wondered if Alice knew to be listening to this insanity.

"Get what?" I asked pressingly.

"You love me," she stated in a voice that was laced with wonder and conviction.

I couldn't help the relief that erupted from my chest and ended up as a joyful smile on my face. "I really do," I confirmed.

She took a deep breath and held it, choking up with emotion. I didn't need her to say anything. I brought her face to mine and kissed her as fervently as I could without hurting her, and brought my forehead to rest against hers before I got too out of control.

"You know, you were much better at it than I was," I mentioned.

"At what?"

"Enduring. Surviving. At least you tried – you got yourself up each day, made an effort at normalcy for your father's sake, tried to follow the normal practices of your life. Once I stopped tracking actively, I was a complete waste of space. And I couldn't handle being near my family… I couldn't handle being around anybody. It's embarrassing, but I basically curled up into a ball and gave myself up to the despair of it all. It was worse than hearing the voices," I confessed before I realized what I was saying. "Well, not like I don't hear them anyway," I laughed awkwardly. I couldn't tell her about my connection with Alice's visions until I had discussed them more with Alice myself. Considering I hadn't thought about them until very recently, it would be a while before I brought it up with Bella.

"Correction," she was saying. "I just heard your voice."

My smile erupted into laughter and I pulled her close to my side as we broke through the copse of trees bordering my expanse of front lawn.

"I hope you understand I'm just indulging you in this," I said, gesturing to my house. She squinted into the darkness ahead of us; I guess she couldn't yet see it. "What they have to say does not matter in the least."

"Considering it affects them now, also, I think it does," she countered flippantly.

I shrugged and opened the front door for her, turning on the lights as we entered. My family was scattered throughout the house, and I summoned each member of my family by name.

Carlisle was the first to appear. He smiled, standing at Bella's side, and said, "Welcome back Bella. What could we do for you? I assume, given the early hour, this isn't purely a social call?"

She nodded in affirmation. "If it's alright, I'd like to be able to talk to the whole family all together. It's important," she added, looking up at me.

Carlisle also lifted his gaze at me. _Edward?_ he thought quizzically.

My lips were set in a thin line and I imagined that the resignation I felt was plain on my face. I gave the tiniest shake of my head, and his chin dipped infinitesimally in response.

"Absolutely," he answered, his eyes shifting from my face back to Bella's. "Let's go talk in the dining room, shall we?"

He led the way into the formal dining room with its large wooden table and matching antique chairs, restored by hand by Esme and Emmett several decades ago. _Well, _I corrected myself mentally, _they're antiques to most of my family. Everyone except Carlisle._ The man who, now more than ever, I considered my father held a chair out for Bella at the head of the table. Esme trailed in behind me, and Alice was dragging Jasper in after her. Rosalie clung to Emmett and studiously avoided my eyes in embarrassment, but I wasn't going to be rude. I couldn't catch her eye long enough to reassure her, though, so I focused my attention on Bella and tried to ignore the radiant energy that was sparking from Alice's thoughts. It was practically visible on her skin.

Carlisle gazed mildly at Bella and nodded. "You have our attention," he said by way of introduction.

She swallowed, and I grasped her hand. Bella suddenly looked extremely nervous. _Good_, I couldn't help but think somewhat viciously. Maybe, in the face of my family's reality, she would reconsider.

"Well," she hesitated, "I hope Alice filled you in on all that happened in Italy?"

"All of it," Alice affirmed.

"And what happened on the flight there?" Bella asked, looking at Alice pointedly.

"Yep," she answered with a jerky bob of her head. She was actually bouncing in excitement, dying for the moment to hurry up and arrive when she could vocally declare her all-too-well-known desire to have Bella join our family permanently.

"Fantastic. Then we're all up to speed," she said, relieved. Then she said nothing, gathering her thoughts.

"I have a bit of an issue," she started again. "Alice made a promise to the Volturi that I would become a vampire. They'll send someone to make sure, and I think it's reliable to assume that's not a good thing—something we want to fend off. So this involves all of you now, which I am sorry for." Her eyes rested on each member of my family as she looked at them all in turn, looking at me last. I didn't try to hide the frustration I felt.

"If you won't want me around, though," she continued, "I won't force myself on you, regardless of Alice's compliance and assistance."

_Of course we would want you! _Esme thought with true feeling. She opened her mouth to voice her opinions but Bella interrupted with a gesture.

"Please, let me get it all out. All of you know what I'm asking for. And_ I_ know that you're also aware of how Edward feels about it. The only way to be fair, I think, is to have everyone vote. If it turns out that you don't want me, I guess… then I'll just have to go back to Volterra by myself. I certainly can't have them coming to _Forks_," she shuddered at the afterthought.

I felt a low growl build in my chest, but I honestly don't know if my reaction was to this absurd voting nonsense as a whole or the idea of Bella going to Italy alone. She ignored me and pressed on.

"Considering that I will not put any one of you in harm's way because of me, I'd like for you to vote either yes or no on the idea of turning me into a vampire." She raised her hand to Carlisle, signaling he should cast the first vote, and her eyebrows went up slightly in self-mockery as she concluded her little speech. I couldn't let her do this! So I broke in before Carlisle could say anything.

"Wait a moment," I interrupted, ignoring Bella's glare and pleading for a chance to add my opinion on the matter. She sighed in allowance.

"I don't think we need to be too worried about the danger that Bella mentioned." I leaned forward and got more lively as I launched into what I believed would be a sure-fire, reasonable, valid counterpoint. "See, there were various reasons why I wouldn't shake Aro's hand before we left. They haven't considered something, and I didn't want to be the one to bring it to their attention," I smiled.

"And that would be?" Alice asked impatiently. Her mind was already made up with what she thought was the best way to move forward, and she considered my alternative to be a waste of time.

"Well, The Volturi are excessively self-assured, but not without reason. It's not exactly a problem for them to find someone, once they decide to do so. Remember Demetri?" I asked, turning to Bella. I took her shudder as confirmation.

"Demetri is a tracker. It's his gift, and it's why they keep him around. The entire time we were at their compound I was scanning their minds for any possible information that might have helped save us; I saw how his gift works, and its one thousand times better than James' talent was." Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Bella shiver involuntarily. Good. Perhaps that meant she still had some reason left after all. "What he can do," I continued, "is similar to what I can do, or rather what Aro can do. He senses the… essence? I'm not sure how to put it into words… the flavor… of his subject's mind and follows it. He can track that tenor over great distances. After Aro's little tests, though…" I gave an aloof shrug.

"You're thinking he won't be able to track _me_," Bella said, nonplussed. I couldn't help the smug grin I felt beginning to form on my lips.

"I'm certain of it. He trusts that instinct so much. And when it fails in regards to you, they will all be going in blind."

"How will that fix anything?" she snorted.

"Alice will obviously be able to see when they plan on coming, and I will conceal you until they leave. They won't have any power whatsoever," I gloated. "It would be the equivalent of searching for a needle in a haystack!"

I could see the fun we would have at their expense gaining approval from Emmett's mind, and I turned to smirk at him.

"They could find _you_," Bella stated.

"And I know how to defend myself," I countered.

Emmett laughed aloud at that. "Outstanding idea, bro," he commended as he offered his fist to mine in the modern-day "fist-bump" gesture that was so prevalent these days.

Rosalie, however, was less than keen on the idea. "Absolutely not," she objected with a hiss.

"No way," Bella declared in agreement.

Jasper's military mind saw the strategic advantage and appreciated it. "Nice," he drawled approvingly.

"Morons," Alice rolled her eyes and mumbled. She had so clearly seen Bella's porcelain, diamond-hard skin in her mind, so it didn't surprise me that she was convinced I was only putting off the inevitable. What surprised me was Esme's fierce look of disapproval.

_What are you thinking, giving them reason to come here? Don't you think they could go after Charlie? Or what of Bella's friends?_ She mentally chastised me. I shrugged her off. There were enough of us; if things would work out the way I was sure they would, we'd only need to fend of Demetri, Felix, and perhaps Jane. We could definitely handle that.

All I could read from Carlisle was a sigh. He was curiously staying quiet about all of this. It made me suspicious, but Bella cleared her throat and sat up.

"Okay. Edward's pitched another idea to think about," she said placidly "Let's vote on it." She stared at me first and asked me point blank, "Would you like me to join your family?"

I was taken aback. Earlier memories… memories of daydreams, wisps of memories, really… filtered through my thoughts. _Of course I want you to join my family_! I had to resist from shouting, trying to imagine the impossibly beautiful vision of her as a bride. "Not by killing you," I merely said aloud. "You're not becoming an immortal."

She simply nodded, and turned to Alice. So determined!

Alice's answer was an excited "Yes!"

"Jasper?" Bella moved on.

"Yes," he said, surprising me. My eyebrows shot up as I caught his eye; I barely heard Rosalie's expected "no" as Jasper's thoughts drifted my way in supplication_. I don't want to be a constant threat to her anymore_, he thought. But I could sense something more behind it, a sort of desperation not to be the least-controlled member of our family anymore. Before I could comment on it I heard Rosalie's voice take on an unexpectedly raw, fervent tone.

"It's not that I don't want you as a sister," she was saying. "It's only… I wouldn't have picked this life for myself, and I wish someone would have been there to vote no for me."

I was momentarily thrown for a loop and looked quickly at Bella. I doubt she knew just how much Rosalie's immortality pained her; Bella merely gave a slow nod and focused on Emmett.

"Hell yeah!" he burst out. I narrowed my eyes at him. I know he couldn't hear my thoughts but I couldn't help the blistering "_Trait_or" that went through my mind. He paid my glares no heed, however; stating there would be other ways to take on the Volturi. Bella, at least, had the decency to grimace before looking to Esme.

"Of course," she said warmly. "I already consider you to be part of our family, Bella."

"Thanks, Esme," Bella replied softly.

I sighed. I couldn't be mad at Esme. Carlisle, on the other hand… We stared at each other.

_What were you expecting it would come to? There are no other plausible options. Running and hiding will only work for so long, Edward. I've lived with the Volturi; I've seen what they're capable of. They won't give up, and not only do I intend to let you place yourself in danger that way, I will not allow my family to break the law, either._ He mentally recalled his earlier speech to me on the porch; I merely growled.

"Edward," he said beseechingly.

"No!" was all I could say. This was not happening!

"You made the choice that you won't live without her, and that leaves me without a choice— because it's the only thing option makes any sense," he said helplessly.

I bolted up from my chair and walked out, Carlisle's voice sighing softly behind me.

"I suppose my vote has been made clear," he said.

It certainly has, I muttered to myself. I was outnumbered. I was rejected. I was defeated. I was furious! I found myself in front of one of Esme's decorative, gilt-edged mirrors. Defeat was already apparent in my eyes but it was nowhere in the set of my shoulders; there were no lines on my face. I was the perfect statue I had always been. Well, for 90 years, at least. Abruptly I yanked the mirror from the wall and flung it to the floor, not wanting to see my perfect reflection and feel even more betrayal in the lack of years I saw there. Glass shards shattered and bounced across the floor, and I was instantly filled with shame. Just as quickly, though, Bella's words triggered fresh rage within me.

"Alright Alice. Just where should we get this started?"

Alice's mind went blank with everyone else, and I roared back into the room, anger practically blinding my extraordinary sense of sight.

"NO!" I yelled. "No, no, _NO_!" I had moved so fast that I was instantly standing before Bella's shocked face before she could register my movements. "Are you mad? Have you completely lost your senses?" I couldn't help the intensity of my words. Bella shrunk back with her hands over her ears. The rest of my family looked on—Esme and Carlisle with concern, Jasper with surprise, Rosalie with horror, Emmett with glee, and Alice…

"Er, Bella?" Alice interposed nervously. "I don't know that I'm… um… ready for that, exactly. I would need to work up to—"

"But you promised!" Bella said reprovingly.

Promised _what_! I nearly said aloud. I stopped myself in time for Alice to have seen my reaction—the sparks of fury in my eyes, the yearning to stand immobile and process just how drastically my world had changed in the space of half an hour—and she cringed, looking scared before she answered Bella in an anxious babble.

"I'm aware of that… but honestly, Bella! I'm not sure I know how not to kill you!"

I held back a snarl.

"I trust you," Bella said encouragingly. "You can do this."

So much for holding back.

"Don't even think about it, Alice," I almost threatened darkly. The words were so very close to actually being said that Alice had no trouble visualizing them. She shot me a frantic look.

Bella seemed to sense Alice wasn't an option and immediately turned to Carlisle, turning his name into a question.

I _had_ to make her see reason. I had to at least try to stall for time. Seizing her face in one hand, I held the other out to Carlisle to stop him from answering. He ignored me.

" I could do it without losing control," he answered. He was resigned. Seeing me like this pained him. Apparently, it wasn't enough to try and stop the pain despite being fully capable of doing so.

"Sounds like a plan," Bella answered with her jaw still locked in my grasp. I realized how tightly I was holding her; while merely strong for a vampire, it would be a paralyzing grip on a human. I relaxed my fingers and tried to persuade her that more time was a good idea.

"_Wait_," I said intensely. "This doesn't have to happen now."

"There aren't any reasons why now isn't perfect," she retorted awkwardly around my grip on her jaw.

"I could name some," I countered.

"Sure you could," she glared. "Let me go now."

I folded my arms across my chest. "Charlie will be here, looking for you in a couple of hours. And it's not beyond him to bring in law enforcement."

"Yeah, all three of them," she said sarcastically. But her words didn't match her expression. I could see she was thinking about her Charlie, about Renee. I grasped at the opportunity.

"For the sake of maintaining obscurity," I interjected, eyes flashing, "I think we ought to delay this conversation until Bella at least finishes high school, and moves out of her father's house."

Carlisle seemed relieved. "That sounds sensible, Bella."

Bella pursed her lips as she considered the idea. "I'll think about it," she said finally.

I let the tension out of my shoulders. I should get her home now, before Emmett spoke up with the contradictions he was forming in his mind.

"I guess I should get you home in the event that Charlie wakes up early," I said, trying to sound nonchalant.

Bella's eyes stayed on Carlisle's face. "Once I've graduated?"

He nodded. "I promise."

She smiled, inhaled deeply, and turned to face me with a pleased expression. "Alright. You can bring me home now."

I nearly launched her out the back door in my frenzy to get her out of the house before Emmett's chuckles or Alice's gloating could begin. I couldn't stand to see my family in the living room, casually discussing the novelty of adding Bella to our immortal family.

I couldn't speak on the way home. I couldn't believe that after all, after everything we—I— had done, it had come to this. She was so desperate, so eager for this life… an existence she glamorized and saw as the only way to truly be part of my family…

When we arrived at her house I launched directly through her window and tried to form how best to say what I was thinking. I set her on the bed and found myself pacing before her.

"Whatever it is you're contriving," she said, crossing her arms, "it's not going to get you anywhere."

I hushed her. "I'm trying to think," I said distractedly. _Part of my family._ The phrase bounced around in my mind, ricocheting off of the dreams and thoughts I'd had so many times before that by now you'd think they'd have grown stale. But the very idea still made me fight for unneeded breath. What if… _What if…_

She had flung herself onto her back against her bed, pulling up her covers over her head. I was suddenly pierced with the fierce desire to see her face. I had spent too many days lost without it. I settled myself next to her and pulled back the quilt, brushing her hair from her face.

"If it's alright with you, I'd prefer that you don't cover your face. I had to live without it longer than I cared to endure. Please… let me ask you something."

"What?" she asked warily.

"If you could be granted whatever you wanted in the whole world, anything at all, what would you want?"

"You," she answered, still skeptical.

I tossed the question aside impatiently with a shake of my head. "Besides me. I mean something you don't have already."

She stopped to genuinely consider my question. "I'd like," she began thoughtfully, "I'd like for Carlisle to not have to change me. I'd like for it to be done by _you_."

I had banked on that. "How much do you want it? What would you willingly give up for it?" I was counting on this. It was crucial to the plan that was taking shape in my mind.

"Anything," she blurted instantly.

Hook, line, sinker. I hated feeling like I was trapping her, but it was a trap that would save her life, literally. A trap that would give her time to really think about what she was asking for. I could feel the smile forming on my lips but forced myself to remain serious.

"Five more years?"

Immediately she balked.

"You did say anything," I said.

"Yeah, but… you'll only take that time to find a way to get yourself out of the deal . I've got to get while the getting's good. Not to mention that it's just too much danger, staying human. At least, it's too dangerous for me. So I revise my statement – anything but that."

Perhaps five years was too much to ask for up front. "Three?" I suggested.

She shook her head no.

"Isn't me being the one to change you worth it?"

She pursed her lips, considering. "Six months," she finally offered.

"That's not enough," I said. She was practically expecting me to give it away.

"Fine. A year, but that's my final offer."

I scoffed. "If you can do one year, surely you can do two," I replied.

"Uh-uh," she declared emphatically. "I can do nineteen, but there's no way I'm going to twenty. If you get to stay a teenager forever, then I do, too."

It was time to play my trump card. "Very well, forget more time. IF… if you want me to do it… then I just have one… condition."

"Oh?" she asked, cautious once more. I had no heart left to pound, no sweat left to form. Instead, my anxiety sent my nerves skyrocketing, creating a tingling sensation that felt like there was a buzz going under my skin. It was not an unpleasant feeling, and when I remembered what it would mean if she agreed, it became even more enjoyable.

I looked directly into her eyes and slowly asked her the question I'd been burning to ask but never thought I'd have the chance. "Would you marry me, first?"

She stared at me blankly. I felt a finger of anxiety run down my spine, which became full-blown dread as she finally spoke.

"Alright… so where are the hidden cameras?"

I exhaled glumly. "Bella, you're bruising my self-esteem. I just proposed to you, and you're taking it for a prank!"

"Oh, come on," she scoffed. "Get real."

"This is completely real," I said, looking at her steadily.

Her breaths became quicker, shorter, and her heart began to pound. I could see nervous sweat beading on her lip. "Please! I just turned eighteen!"

"And I'm a hundred and nine," I responded. "It's high time I got settled."

She looked out the window, trying to calm herself down. "Hey, getting married isn't really super-high on my life's to-do list, you know? It ended up being the kiss of death for my parents."

"Interesting word choice," I noted wryly.

"You understand," she replied, irritated.

I took a deep breath. "Don't tell me you're scared of the commitment aspect," I said incredulously.

"Not exactly," she said, skirting the issue. "It's more that… I'm scared of what my mom will think. She's got some pretty serious ideas about marriage before you reach thirty."

I gave a humorless laugh. "Because she would prefer that you turned into a soulless immortal over marriage."

She snorted. "You don't know my mom."

"Bella," I said, getting serious. "If you take into account how much of a commitment is required in getting married as opposed to trading your soul away so you could become a vampire…" My voice trailed off at the ridiculousness of it all. I shook my head. "If you're too scared to marry me—"

"What if I'm not?" she interrupted. "What if I said let's go to Vegas, right now? Would that mean I'd be like you three days from now?"

She was bluffing and I knew it. "Fine," I agreed with a broad smile. "You get your purse, I'll fetch my car."

"Damn," she huffed. She stared at me, considering. "I'll give you a year and a half," she said in a sing-song voice, as if reverting to our earlier exchange would throw me off my goal.

"Not a chance," I shook my head. "I prefer _this_ condition."

"Okay. Then after graduation I'll have Carlisle change me."

I shrugged. "If you prefer," I said with a too-innocent smile. Now that I'd actually proposed, the idea was inescapable. I knew she wanted my venom to be the thing that changed her and despite my aversion to her immortality to begin with, at least I could give her the dignity of my last name if I couldn't let her keep her soul.

"You're insufferably hopeless," she said at last, groaning. "You're a beast!"

I laughed. "Is that the reason you don't want to marry me?"

She just groaned again.

As much as our discussion was light-hearted jest, I knew what I was asking for. The life-long commitment that was marriage didn't lose any value in my eyes simply because "life" was taken out of the equation. I wanted to know she was mine, always, and to reassure her that I was asking for her forever as well. I leaned toward her, staring into her eyes with sudden solemnity.

"Please, Bella?" I murmured.

When her eyes caught mine, her heart stuttered.

"Would it have been been more appealing to you if I'd had a ring for you?" I asked, thinking of just the ring I knew would be perfect…

"NO!" she yelled, forgetting the late hour. "No rings!"

Charlie startled mid-snore and stirred awake.

I lowered my voice to a whisper. "Now you did it…"

"Uh-oh."

"Your father is heading this way. I should go," I said regretfully, standing up.

Bella's eyes became frantic. _Perhaps not the best choice of words_, I chided myself. Aloud I asked, "It wouldn't be juvenile of me to conceal myself in your closet, would it?"

"No," she answered in an excited whisper. "Please stay!"

I gave an indulgent smile and flashed into her closet, closing the door securely. Dread was the most prominent emotion lacing Charlie's thoughts as he padded to his daughter's room. Apparently it was not the first time he found himself rushing to Bella's room in the middle of the night, and it was a disquieting thought. I had caused so much damage, and I was just beginning to realize the extent that it went to. I had never thought of how trying it would be to Charlie… not that I had disappeared; I still wasn't his favorite person by any means, but Bella's depression had scared Charlie intensely, scarring him deeply in a place he refused to acknowledge.

"I had no clue where you were, or even if you'd be coming home," he was saying, his voice gravelly with sleep. "Do you realize how... how…" He was on the verge of tears and couldn't form the words. Memories of the anguish of wandering in an empty, echoing house. In typical Charlie fashion he changed the subject. "Give me one good reason why you shouldn't be flown off to Florida right now." He didn't mean the threat, but it gave him some measure of confidence to know he at least had her mother to send Bella back to.

"Because," Bella's voice was solid with an unexpected assertion. "I won't go."

"Now see here, Isabella Swan—" he began. She interrupted him with a veritable rant, accepting responsibility for her actions but asserting her intentions to remain here. He didn't know what to do about Bella's sudden defiance. Considering how much he believed I had hurt her (and he wasn't that far off the mark, truly) he was baffled by her suddenly fierce desire to remain in Forks. I could hear the blood throbbing in his veins as his heart began to pound. He took a few deep breaths to steady himself and moved on from Bella's declaration of independence.

"Do you mind at least telling me where you were?" he asked.

"Um…" Damn. We hadn't had time to go over a plausible explanation and I could hear her floundering. "It was… an emergency."

_An emergency?_ Charlie thought in disbelief. _That's it?_ He waited for her to speak.

"Well, I honestly couldn't tell ya, Dad. Mostly it was a miscommunication that got out of hand."

I could hear him rocking back on his heels and sensed him crossing his arms as he waited in silence.

"Um, well Rosalie heard from Alice about me cliff-jumping…er… I suppose I failed to mention that…" she trailed off, probably in response to Charlie's face, which was most likely getting redder by the second. His heart actually stuttered momentarily as he considered the implications behind the words "cliff-jumping"—interesting, considering Bella's did the same whenever she was nervous. He didn't want to think about it, and gladly focused his attention on Bella's continuing ramble.

"It was nothing major," she sputtered. "Just hanging out, going swimming with Jake—" I bristled internally at her familiar use of his name— "and Rosalie told Edward about it. Basically, he really stressed out over it. She kind of relayed it in a way that made it seem like I was suicidal. When he didn't answer his phone, Alice came to bring me to, um, Los Angeles to fix things. In person." She forcibly tried to erase the note of hysteria that was creeping into her voice, but Charlie had fixated on one devastating phrase.

"_Were_ you suicidal?" he asked. This thought pained him so deeply that I felt even worse.

"Of course not! I was just hanging out with Jake – cliff diving. The kids in La Push do it all the time… like I said, it wasn't anything major." Again, that irritating note of affection when she spoke the werewolf's name… I was the one who had to focus my attention this time, instead of planning a witch hunt. Or rather, wolf hunt, as it were.

One fact stuck out to Charlie, and he was filled with the righteous wrath of a father. "What does it matter to Edward Cullen? This whole time he's been gone with no notice, no communication—"

"It was another miscommunication," Bella interrupted.

"So then has he come to stay?" he asked angrily.

"I don't know what his plan is, but I think all of them will be staying." she answered. Ha! She knew very well what my plans were… I rolled my eyes and my vision caught a glimpse of a sweater in the corner of her closet. I smiled dreamily, remembering her creamy skin against the navy blue.

"You're not going anywhere near him, Bella," Charlie warned. "He's terrible for you and I do not trust him. He's not going to ruin you like that again."

"Sure," Bella answered abruptly.

Charlie's thoughts were pleasantly surprised. "Oh," he said in relief. "I figured you'd make a big fuss and wouldn't want to put up with it."

Was she lying to him? Or was she telling the truth and simply had just now worked up the courage to truly break things off with me? My mind was in a frenzy, thinking of how affectionately she had spoken of Jacob Black…

"I'm not," she stated. "Sure, then I'll just move out."

Charlie must have swayed, because the floorboards creaked.

"It's not that I want to, Dad," Bella hurriedly continued. "I love you. I understand you're scared, it's just that I need your trust about this. And you'll have to lighten up about Edward if you don't want me to move. You do want me to stay, don't you?"

"Bella, you're being unfair. You know I don't want you to move out," he said with a calmness he didn't feel.

"Then start treating Edward nicer, because he's going to be a part of my life," she said gently but firmly. My heart soared.

"Not on my watch, he's not!" Charlie declared. _Does she honestly expect me to be all buddy-buddy with that jackass after the hell he put her through? After the… the wreck he turned her into?_ he thought. _What am I supposed to do, bring him fishing with me on weekends? That might not be a bad idea… I know a far enough place where no one would ever find the body…_

I winced, not at his words, but his memories of Bella's gaunt, empty face. I don't know if it was any worse, seeing her through the filter of a desperately worried father's mind, but it definitely wasn't any better.

Bella sighed. "Look, I won't throw down any more ultimatums tonight—er, this morning, I guess. But keep it in mind for a couple of days, alright? Just remember that me and Edward are kind of a package deal." I was still troubled by Charlie's roiling emotions, but soothed enough by the conviction in Bella's words.

"Bella—" he began warningly.

"Just think about it," she insisted. "And while you're at it, can I have some privacy? I could really use a shower…"

_Just think about it? _Package _deal?_ he thought in disbelief. He shook his head but turned and left, closing the door behind him none-too-gently as he stomped downstairs for the hidden bottle of scotch in his gun cabinet. I went to Bella's rocking chair and sat down heavily, considering the memories and feelings behind Charlie's words and thoughts.

"I'm sorry about all that," Bella breathed.

"It's not as if I deserved any better," I responded softly. "Please don't cause any unnecessary arguments over me with Charlie."

"Don't worry," she assuaged me, gathering her toiletries and clean clothes. "I'll only cause what's necessary, no more, no less. Or are you saying I won't have anywhere to go?" she asked dramatically.

I gave a sardonic, crooked smile. "Are _you_ saying you'd move into a house full of the undead?"

"That is most like the best place for somebody like me," she grinned. "Besides, if Charlie forces me out, there's no reason to wait til graduation, right?"

"So eager to be one of the eternally damned," I seethed.

"Oh you know you don't truly believe in that."

"Don't I?" I asked sharply.

"Nope," she said smugly.

"You have no idea—" I started to say darkly, but she cut me off before I could even get the words out. And that's saying something, for me.

"If you honestly believed you've lost your soul, then when I saved you in Italy you would have known right away what had happened, instead of thinking both of us were dead. But you didn't, because you said, 'Incredible, Carlisle was right!'" she quoted with triumph. "There's hope for you yet!"

I was baffled.

"So for once, let's just both be hopeful, okay? Not that it's all that important. I don't need heaven if you'll stay with me."

I rose slowly and let my hands frame her beautiful face. "Always," I replied with all the weight of a vow. That she had caught on to my reaction… I was still stunned.

"For always is just what I'm asking you," she smiled, and stood on her tip-toes to seal it with a kiss.

**WHEW! I'm so glad I got this done! Are you? (= Granted, it's not totally done. I still have a couple pages' worth of an epilogue to write, you know. (;**


	25. Epilogue

**Well kids, I did it. I have no clue what the heck I was thinking, taking this on. The whole reason I even started was because I wasn't satisfied with SM's brush-off explanation of Bella's auditory hallucinations. And literally a whole book later, here I am. Finally. Thanks for sticking around.**

**EPILOGUE**

Weeks later I found myself thankful that life had settled back to the predictable routine I had heretofore—pre-Bella—found so banal. Remarkably enough, the thin excuse that Esme had found Los Angeles to be less than ideal was accepted by everyone as reason enough for our return to Forks. Life slipped right back into the familiar patterns of school and hunting, although there was a new note of friendship between Rosalie and myself that added to the melody of my life with my family.

I spent as much time as I was allowed—and it was quite limited, given Charlie's unrelenting (and well-deserved) animosity toward me—with Bella. I refused to entertain the knowledge that her transformation was less than a year away, focusing instead on my quest to see Bella accepted to a laudably accredited university. I was sure I could find a way to persuade her to give me more time, I just hadn't yet figured out how. I was equally sure that she would enjoy at least a few semesters in college, and I also knew without a doubt that getting Bella into an Ivy League school would impress her father, thereby making her happy in the process. Perhaps I could use that for leverage… Not that I wanted to manipulate her, but I knew she wasn't ready for this. I just needed to make her see that, and I knew that I would be able to, given enough time.

I also knew I could make her see the treasure it would be to have her as my bride. I felt an almost uncontrollable, unspeakable joy at the thought of including Bella in my family, someday. As chagrined as she had been to agree to my terms of marriage, however, I didn't want to press the issue. I was aware of another issue that remained unspoken between us—that of Jacob Black. The few times Bella mentioned him in my presence, I tried to maintain a diplomatic attitude but it was futile. The revulsion I felt toward myself for having left Bella so emotionally bereft so as to seek the company of a _werewolf_ was compounded by my sense of dread I felt in regard to the wolves in general. But my dislike of the La Push pack did nothing for the emotional distress Bella was feeling, since now that I and my family had returned with some measure of permanence, Jacob refused to speak to Bella.

As reluctant as I was to admit it, Jacob Black had filled a void that my abandonment had been the catalyst of. I was sure he would have developed a bond with her as well, during my absence. Her forgiving me was no doubt a thorn in his side. I assumed it was possibly a result of the inevitable jealousy he must be feeling, and I would be lying if I said this didn't please me in some small measure. Bella was in love with _me_, even after the hell I had caused. But my presence must have chafed Jacob quite badly, because he'd maintained a cold shoulder toward her ever since it was re-established that interacting with Bella meant associating with me.

One Saturday afternoon, she made me aware of just how much Jacob's silence bothered her. "It's _insulting_, is what it is!" she sputtered as I drove her home from work. "Positively rude! When I called, his dad said he _refused_ totalk to me! He was home, but he just didn't want to come to the phone to even speak to me! Billy will usually at least say he's not home or he's sleeping or busy or something. I could tell he was lying but at least he was trying to be courteous about it… I guess he also hates me now!"

I knew Jacob's father had even more reason to want Bella Swan out of his son's life, as long as I was in the picture. "It isn't you, love," I reassured her. "No one hates _you_."

"It sure feels like it," she huffed, crossing her arms.

"Jacob is aware that we've returned," I tried explaining. "No doubt he's determined we'd be together, and he wouldn't come anywhere close to where I am. The antagonism is too deeply rooted."

"That's ridiculous. He's also aware you're… different… from normal vampires," she insisted.

"Still," I reasoned, "that's enough of a reason for him to stay away."

She huffed again, glaring out the window.

"Bella, we each are what we are. I'm able to maintain control but that doesn't me he can, too. He's quite young. More than likely we would fight, and I'm not sure I would be able to stop before k—" I broke off abruptly, mentally kicking myself for even starting to mention the idea of killing Bella's friend, werewolf or no. "Before he got hurt. It would hurt you, and I don't want you to be unhappy."

Bella's eyes widened before I had finished my sentence. "Edward Cullen!" she gasped in shock. "You were going to say 'killing him', weren't you? Tell me!" Bella gulped.

Damn.

I didn't want to lie to her; I had already done that enough. After a beat I answered as truthfully as I possibly could. "I really would… try… to keep it from coming to that," I replied. It was the best I could do, and it was the truth. I found myself distracted by something as we turned the corner onto her street.

In the background of our conversation, my ears had picked up a rapid, pulsing noise. I was familiar with it; it was quite similar to the sound I'd heard over seventy years before, when Carlisle had sworn to Ephraim Black vow of humane behavior and respect for the boundary lines of his lands… I remembered the rhythmic cadence of the chief's voice and Carlisle's solemn answers… The sound of Ephraim's breathing… the sound of his heart. It was that sound that I was reminded of now, and there was only one explanation for it.

"That won't ever happen anyway," Bella was saying, shaking her head, "so there's no point in stressing about it." She took a deep breath and changed the subject. "My dad's probably counting down the seconds as we speak so you should bring me home now before I get into even more trouble for being late."

The profanities that were flashing across Charlie's mind were almost on par with the smugness I felt radiating from Jacob Black's subconscious. A small ball of worry formed in my stomach and I glanced at Bella, blissfully unaware of the maelstrom she was about to become a victim of. I slowed the car to a stop and stared down the street towards Bella's house, towards the woods surrounding her father's property and the russet-colored form lurking there._ Damn you, Jacob Black…_

"Bella," I began hesitantly. It felt like my lips were barely moving. "You're… already in trouble."

Bella squinted through the rain-spattered windshield. "What's wrong?" she asked, concern leaking through her voice.

I inhaled deeply, again momentarily distracted – by the sound of _her_ heartbeat and the rush of happiness I felt upon hearing it. "Your father," I exhaled.

"My dad?" she cried.

I glanced over at her and noticed the fear in her eyes. Cursing Jacob's name once more, I gritted my teeth and tried to explain. "You… probably won't end up in a pine box," I phrased delicately, "but he's definitely considering the idea of putting you in one."

"Why?" she asked, incredulous. "What'd I do?"

We had pulled up to her house at this point, and my eyes flashed to the motorcycle that stood in her driveway. It looked menacing, even amidst the drizzle, even with the rust and old-fashioned body frame. It nearly made me sick to think that Bella had tortured herself upon this machine simply to try and hear my voice, and it damn near made me go darting through the woods to choke the life out of Jacob for even suggesting the idea to ride it had been a good one. Bella's shocked voice was the only thing that kept me in my seat.

"_Why_? How could he betray me like this?" she asked in a gasp that bordered on a sob. Tears sprung up in her eyes and the look on her face was one I hadn't seen before- a mixture of anguish and anger that made the temptation to tear Jacob's head from his body even stronger. "Is he here still?" Bella asked through clenched teeth.

I nodded. "Yes, he's over there, waiting for us." I inclined my head toward the path that wound through the forest where Jacob stood seething and smug all at once. In reality he was waiting for me, waiting on behalf of his pack to remind me of an understanding I'd known all too well since its inception decades ago.

Faster than I would have thought possible for a human, and certainly less clumsy than I would have predicted her capable of being, Bella unbuckled her seatbelt and rocketed towards the forest with her fists clenched at her sides. A tremor of fear slithered through me; provoking a young werewolf was precisely the sort of situation I'd hoped to avoid Bella being put in. Dashing after her, I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her close.

"Let go!" she said, struggling. "TRAITOR!" she called into the forest. "I'll kill him!"

"And your father will hear," I cautioned. "After which, he'll probably brick the doorway over, once you're inside."

Her eyes flashed to the house, rested on the motorcycle, and she began writhing again. "Let me just get one shot at Jacob and I'll handle my dad," she answered.

"The only reason Jacob Black is still here is because he wants to see me," I said quickly, hoping to placate her. It seemed to work, as she stopped struggling.

"To talk?" she asked uncertainly.

"For the most part," I replied, deliberately casual.

"What about the other part?" she asked in a trembling whisper.

Her sudden nervousness worried me; what was she expecting? I could hear Jacob sigh mentally, impatiently. I brushed back a few stray tresses of hair that had fallen into her face, leaving my hand on her cheek and trying to calm her down with the sincerity in my eyes. "It's alright. He isn't here to instigate an altercation with me, he's here as… as a sort of wolf pack spokesman." I slid my hand down her face, across her collarbone, and down her arm until I secured my arm around her waist. "We really ought to hurry; your father is losing his patience," I said, guiding her towards the forest.

Jacob leaned against the trunk of a massive Douglas fir. I had never noticed the overwhelming… musk… emanating from the boy who stood before me, despite the strong scent of pine; he definitely had changed recently. Or "phased", as his pack was wont to term it. He looked briefly to Bella, a look full of longing and resentment. But the look slightly altered once he lifted his eyes to mine- the longing was erased, and the resentment was replaced with a sneer of pure disgust.

_Freak, monster, abnormality. Leech, parasite, bloodsucker. _Words tumbled about his mind as he tried to find a suitable term for me in his thoughts. The words were mixed with a fierce jealousy and something else I couldn't quite define—a sense of regret, a mournfulness somehow. As though my standing before him had shattered his private dreams and hopes. Loathing rippled from him in nearly tangible waves. I shifted slightly, securing myself as a barrier in front of Bella from a potential outburst.

"Bella," he nodded in acknowledgement, his eyes never straying from mine.

"How, Jacob?" Bella choked out in a pained whisper. "Why would you do this to me?"

The sneer twisting his lips fell, becoming a line of hard determination. "Because it's for your own good," he answered with all the self-assurance of one completely convinced of his own infallibility. His mind briefly flickered over the conversation he'd had with Bella's father less than twenty minutes before.

_Jacob!_ Charlie had exclaimed in surprise at the sight of Jacob Black, shirtless on his front steps. _What's on your mind, kid…?_ His voice trailed off into silent stupor as his eyes lit upon the bulk of engine and exhaust pipes that stood a mere ten feet away. His pupils contracted to pinpoints of rage. He seemed personally affronted by the motorcycle hulking in his driveway. _WHAT IS _THAT_?_ he'd demanded, and Jacob had proceeded to explain the arcane activities he and Bella had participated in behind Charlie's back, claiming he was worried Bella's adrenaline-craving streak had gotten out of hand. The rest of the conversation was one I was glad Bella wasn't there for, considering Charlie had reacted very nearly the way she was describing at the moment.

"Are you trying to get me _strangled_?" she was shrieking. "Or were you trying to give him a heart attack like Harry Clearwater? Really, Jacob! Regardless of how angry you are with me, why would you put _this_ on his shoulders?"

The boy/wolf before us honestly hadn't thought of the repercussions of his actions – at least not so far as hurt anyone, and I explained as much to Bella.

"He was only trying to get you punished so we wouldn't be allowed to see each other," I added.

An intense hatred blazed in Jacob's eyes as he realized the extent of my telepathic abilities, but we were both distracted by the pain in Bella's voice as she cried out, "Jacob! I've been punished already; why else would you think I haven't been to your house to _beat_ you for not answering the phone when I call?"

Confusion swept over him even as he battled to hold on to his anger. "Is that why?" he asked uncertainly. Immediately after he spoke, his jaw clenched in an effort to hide the vulnerability he was suddenly feeling._ So the leech _isn't_ holding her hostage?_ he thought.

Bella stared at Jacob distrustfully, so I tried to diffuse the situation. "He was under the impression that _I_ was the one keeping you away," I murmured softly.

"Cut it out," Jacob snarled.

I obliged by maintaining my silence, waiting for him to speak aloud again. I tightened my grip on Bella ever-so-slightly as Jacob trembled, but I had to admire the tenacity with which he tried to maintain his control.

Grudgingly he addressed me. "I guess Bella wasn't lying about… your mental powers, so I'm sure you're already aware of the reason I'm here."

"I am," I acknowledged. I took a deep breath, ignoring the smothering canine odor. As much as what I was about to do would be said in order to break the tension, a bigger part of me was simply being honest. "Before you say what you came here to say, I have something to say first." I raised an eyebrow in inquiry, waiting for his permission.

_Fine_, he thought shortly, clenching his fists as tremors of discomfort shook his sturdy frame.

"_Thank_ you, Jacob," I breathed, trying to pour as much sincerity into my words as possible. "There will never be enough words to express my gratitude. For as long as I… exist… I will be in your debt."

Jacob blinked, unsure if this was a trick. His eyes flickered to Bella's, but her eyes were locked on my face in an inquisitive expression.

"I owe you for keeping her alive when…" I gulped back the raw emotion that had begun to bleed into my words. "…When I didn't."

Bella started to say my name, but I stopped her by holding up my hand. I stayed focused on Jacob's face, waiting for his reaction. He pursed his lips as he considered my words.

"It wasn't for you," he finally said, his face settling into a distrustful mask again.

"I'm aware of that, but it doesn't change how thankful I am, and I felt I had to tell you. If I can ever do anything for you, if it's at all possible…" I let my voice trail off, hoping he would offer something so the score would be settled.

He raised an eyebrow and thought, very deliberately, _Leave._

"_Not_ possible," I warned, shaking my head in negation. "I'm not the one to ask for that."

"Who _do_ I ask, then?" he asked blisteringly, tacking the title "bloodsucker" on in his mind.

"Her," I replied, nodding once at Bella. I tried turning back to Jacob to see his reaction, but Bella's eyes were locked on mine, lips parted and looking as delicious as ever in a manner that didn't incur thirst at all. "I learn fast," I continued, my eyes still on Bella's face, "and I don't slip up in the same way twice, Jacob Black. If Bella wishes me gone, I'll go, but not before she dismisses me." I swore this as much to myself and Bella as to Jacob.

"That will never happen," Bella murmured.

_Oh please_, Jacob thought. He audibly retched and Bella tore her gaze away from me.

"Did you need anything else, Jacob? You can cross getting me grounded off your checklist," she said scathingly. "At this point my dad might very well lock me in a tower, but I _still_ won't let it keep Edward and I apart. Nothing will do that. What else do you want?"

Jacob stared at me and I stared right back. _You_ _disappearing again so I can have _**my**_ Bella back_, he thought. I felt my lip begin to curl up in a snarl as he nodded at me. "I only wanted to remind your parasite buddies that they agreed to some very specific points in the treaty… which is, by the way, the only thing holding me back from tearing him apart right now." His eyes narrowed to slits as he glowered at me.

This was not the time to discuss an old pact, considering I hadn't yet worked out my delay plan for Bella. "We still remember," I said, just as Bella asked, "And what would those be?"

"There are certain key issues they agreed to, one of which is that the treaty is void if any of them were to bite a human. Not kill, _bite_." His eyes never left my face, and mine never left Bella's.

"That has nothing to do with you!" she protested defensively.

"Oh like _hell_ it doesn't have any—" He coarsely ground out as much as he could as his the trembling of his body increased. He crushed his fists to his temples and his eyes were closed so tightly he was giving himself a tension headache, on top of the emotional headache he had by dealing with all of this. _Un-FREAKING-believable!_ he thought. _That after all the hell he put her through, that even with all the crap he did to her, not only did she take him back she seriously wants to _BE _one of those disgusting leech corpses?_

Anger ran through him, red and blistering, giving way to white heat that surged like an electrical overload. Bella started to move towards him, as if to _comfort_ the dog, and nervously asked, "Are you alright, Jacob?"

I caught hold of her wrist and pulled her back behind me for safety. "Be careful!" I cautioned. "He could very well lose control."

The tremors that had only moments ago been wracking his body had subsided into slight quivering motions in his arms as he considered my words. "Please!" he said disdainfully. "_I'm_ not the one who would ever hurt her." Still, a cold dagger of fear ran its edge along his spine as he realized he could very well put her in danger if he didn't calm down. A flash of memory—not one of his own, interestingly enough—was pulled up in his mind's eye and just as quickly pushed aside with a resentful deliberation. I gave a low hiss, both at the sight and at the accusation in his words. The memory was of a young Native American woman, clinging to a Native American man as he repeatedly stroked the array of scars that ran from her hairline to her wrist. Her eyes were filled with love and acceptance; his with love and guilt.

I was horrified by the glimpse of that girl. The wounds had looked deep; it very nearly made me ill to think of such a thing happening to Bella. It also very nearly made me ill to know it was a real possibility, as long as she continued to associate with the boy who stood before us, glaring at me with his fists starting to clench in anticipation of a good swing at my jaw.

Before we could continue, however, Charlie's voice bellowed at us from the house. "ISABELLA SWAN! YOU GET OVER HERE _RIGHT_ NOW YOUNG LADY!"

He waited, fuming in the silence that met his roar, and I could sense him seething now that he had seen my car out front. I couldn't tell what he wanted more – to lock Bella up in the tower she had mentioned earlier, or to tear me limb from limb.

Bella's eyes welled up with tears as reality came crashing down around her. "Damn," she half-sobbed.

Jacob's brows came together in a rueful expression. "I'm really sorry about that… I just had to try; I had to do _something_…" He gulped and stared at Bella.

"Thanks a lot," she answered, hurt. She turned her back on Jacob and started making her way back to the house.

"Wait," I called out. I turned to Jacob. "One last thing – we haven't found any remnant of Victoria on our side of the boundary lines. Have you, or has the pack?" I needed to know if she had been around recently. I still intended to make good on my promise to end Victoria, and soon.

Mentally he reviewed the last altercation he had had with that red-haired witch, which had occurred while we were in Italy. He spoke aloud for Bella's benefit.

"Not since Bella was… gone. We fooled her into thinking she was actually getting through our defenses but we were ready to attack. We'd been circling closer in but," he shrugged, "she ran off like her ass was on fire. Looks like she got a whiff of your black-haired little female and took off. Since then we haven't had any sign of her."

I nodded in acknowledgement. "She'll return, and when she does it won't be your responsibility to take care of her. We're—"

Jacob's eyes flashed in indignation. "She murdered people on _our_ lands. The hell she's not our responsibility!"

Bella looked nervously between us. "Now hold on a min—"

"BELLA!" Her protests were cut off by Charlie roaring from his doorway. "I KNOW you can hear me! I can SEE his car! If aren't WALKING through this door by the time I count to TEN….!" The threat hung menacingly in the air. Charlie was fuming, arms planted on his hips, eyes roving furiously back and forth for a sight of his daughter; he was seriously considering shipping Bella off to military school at this point, and I had to calm things down as soon as possible.

"Bella, we should go," I murmured.

She hesitated, her eyes troubled as she looked at Jacob. Their bond ran deeper than he let show, and his instinctive hatred of me was briefly overshadowed by the pain he felt at the threat of losing his best friend.

"I'm sorry, Bells," he breathed. "Good-bye."

Bella gulped. "Jake, your promise… We're still friends, aren't we?"

"I've tried to make good on that promise, Bells… you know that. But now… I don't know if I can keep it. I don't know how," he rasped. "I'll miss you." He stretched his hand toward us, toward her. As much pain as he was in, I began to get uncomfortable. The tenuous hold he had on his control was slipping, and I couldn't trust his earlier insistence that he would never hurt her. Even now, his pain was reflected in her eyes.

"I'll miss you too, Jake," she said, her voice trembling. She reached her hand out to his, whispering his name as she started to walk towards him. My arms held her close, held her back from the danger she was unaware she was putting herself in.

She turned to look up at my face. Her eyes were steady; clear. "It's alright," she said softly.

I stared back at her, the beautiful face that I knew I couldn't live without. She was so trusting, so forgiving… I didn't deserve her, but for reasons I couldn't and probably would never understand she had chosen me. That made it my responsibility to keep her safe, and I knew if she continued her friendship with the unpredictable beast-child in front of me then her safety was not guaranteed.

"No," I replied steadily. "It isn't."

Jacob bristled at my words. "Let go of her! She wants this!" he snapped. His anger elevated to a blind rage as he stalked toward us, and I could tell his reaction was partly due to his inability to control himself as well as an excuse to fight. I felt something akin to panic as I imagined Bella inadvertently being flung against a tree, and in a spin as fast as I could move, I stepped between her and the danger that was on the verge of literally exploding before our very eyes. I found myself wanting to rise to the challenge, to punish this boy before me as a recipient for the frustration I'd been keeping in check since last night. It was unfair, I know, but the threat posed by Jacob's aggression wasn't helping matters.

"Edward, no!" Bella began to plead.

"ISABELLA MARIE SWAN!" Charlie again had unknowingly stopped an unpleasant outburst.

"Let's go," Bella said forcefully, pulling on my shirt. "My dad's only getting angrier; we need to hurry."

I felt myself calm at her touch. Taking a microsecond to assess the situation, I knew that an altercation with Bella's… best friend… was not a good idea. My eyes locked on Jacob, my arms locked around Bella, I pulled us away. I heard her breath hitch in a half-sob as we made our way back to her house but I knew it was for the best. Pain was warring with the anger in Jacob Black's thoughts; he was the epitome of unstable and I vowed to myself that I wouldn't let him hurt her when I'd just gotten her back.

Bella stumbled forward alongside me up the path to her house. Charlie stood, waiting, arms across his chest as he took in the sight of his daughter in my arms.

"I'm here for you," I whispered, caressing her softly.

She inhaled deeply and turned slightly to face me. The pain in her eyes had faded. Love and trust shone towards me instead as she faced forward again, squared her shoulders, and walked with her head held high to the fate that awaited her with walking right next to her.

Right next to her. Where I belonged.

***bows* Thanks for reading.**


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